Shiny Object. STOP IT!!!!

[Monkey_Mania]

*He sits in his rocking chair that overlooks the big bay window in his living room. He flips the channel, Once....Twice...,stopping once he finds something to watch. As he thinks about what he is going to say, he looks at the T.V. Suddenly feeling very thirsty, he goes out to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water.*

"Do it, you must!

"...But, I don't want to. I've got so much to look forward too."

"Like what? Growing old, your old body decaying BEFORE you even die?"

"I don't know, a good steady job, a wife and kids."

*As he grabs the glass from the counter he looks over to the dishes in the sink. Sees the sharp shiny knife sticking out, serated blade just haunting him, laughing at him, mocking him.*

*Is this what you want? YOU want ME to go out like THIS?*

*He looks down into the sink again, starts to weep then slowly drops to the floor. Putting his head into his hands, he thinks about what he should do next...





To Be Continued.

If anyone cares.

 

[Italian MVP]

ok.......

 

[Eternal Dragon]

So this is what you were writing! Totally twisted and that's how I like it best, but it isn't as dark as I thought it would be (not a bad thing). I think my favorite part was him talking to the knife, very creative, and I like that besides knowing he has a family and wants to commit suicide, we don't know very much else about him. Leaving some stuff up to the imagination of the reader is always nice.

Now for my nitpicking (I warned you!). This sentence:

"He flips the channel, Once....Twice....There we go, He found something to watch. "

I'd change it to:

"He flips the channel, once....twice..., stopping once he finds something to watch."

and this:

"Do it, you must do it."

I think it'd sound better if you just took out the second "do it" and just kept "Do it, you must." I don't know, that just seems more ominous to me.

Oh and the last two sentences:

"Putting his head into his hands. Thinking about what he should do next...."

I'd put together and say something like:

"Putting his head into his hands, he thinks about what he should do next..."

Ok that's enough of me critiquing! Good job.

Flames Out
Dragon

 

[Father:_Polley]

has this board been having a mass intake of crack?

 

[Monkey_Mania]

Thanks for the advice Dragon. It's nice to know somebody does not have to make a smart ass remark around here.

Part Two should be up in the next 2-3 days.

 

[Eternal Dragon]

Thanks for the advice Dragon. It's nice to know somebody does not have to make a smart ass remark around here.

Part Two should be up in the next 2-3 days.

No problem! If you ever need a beta, I'm there!

Flame Out
Dragon

 

[Italian MVP]

has this board been having a mass intake of crack?

i think so

 

[Sparky]

Nice read Monkey, Rep for you

 

[Monkey_Mania]

Jesus, has anbody ever heard of something called Writing. Thats all I was doing. For gods sake people.

 

[Father:_Polley]

It's good writing...I was merely a little confused at first. And between that confusion and the thread sly started...

 

[Monkey_Mania]

It's good writing...I was merely a little confused at first. And between that confusion and the thread sly started...

I'm sorry. I am in a really bad mood tonight. I figured I would write. That is just what came out. I am quite proud myself. I will write 2 more parts to it...maybe more depending on how creative I am feeling.

 

[Father:_Polley]

i did some writing last night. I was proud of myself

 

[Monkey_Mania]

Make a thread...I'm Intrigued.

 

[Father:_Polley]

Crap, work time and I'm not ready. Gotta go

 

[Father:_Polley]

I shall post it...expect to see it tonight in a certain section where you have given me something to write

 

[Monkey_Mania]

Wzcw??

 

[Italian MVP]

Hmmmmm Interesting....

 

[HBK-aholic]

That was good babes. Can't wait for part 2. But you've definitely got some rep coming your way.