My first RP ever

[Hyorinmaru]

I'm bored so I figured I would post the first RP I ever did. Feel free to say how horrible it is. It really dies suck.

The camera turns on and we see a man sitting on a bench in front of a run down carnival. Standing in front of the camera is Therron "The Roach" Roachman. We can hear ICP’s song “The Great Milenko” playing over the speaker system. He seems to be so into the music he doesn’t see the camera. As he tilts his head back to finish off the Faygo he was drinking he sees the camera. When he gets up and walks towards the camera we see his face covered in black and white clown make up. He has a sinister looking smile painted in black on his face. Other than the flame designs he has for eyebrows his face is entirely white.

The Roach: First off welcome to FSP. Now if you don’t mind me asking where are we?

Milenko: This is the Dark Carnival. I know you probably never heard of it. We don’t get many of the living around here. This is the place where dead souls come when they are not good enough to go to Shangri-La or evil enough to go to Hell’s Pit. They wait here until The Wraith has enough time to study each soul in depth and send them to there final resting place.

The Roach: Why did you join FSP?

Milenko: Greed.

The Roach: Greed?

Milenko: Yes greed. You see I was brought into existence by all the greed in the world and the world’s greed keeps making me stronger. I searched for years trying to find a place with so much greed that I would become even more powerful. I seem to have to have found that place in FSP.

The Roach: What do you mean?

Milenko: Greed for the titles in FSP. Everyone who doesn’t have a title wants one. This is fueled by the greed of wanting what someone else has. With all this greed I will be able to do my job of luring people from the path of righteousness to the path of evil much more easily.

The Roach: Speaking of titles would you like to hold one yourself someday?

Milenko: Oh yes, when a person’s greed is directed towards me it’s that much more potent, that much more powerful.

The Roach: I have no more questions. Is there anything you would like to add?

Milenko: No, I was about to go get another drink anyway. I’ll see everyone in the ring.

Before he walks away he stands in front of the camera does the devil horns like you would see at a rock concert lays them in a X across his chest and looks reverently up at the entrance to the Dark Carnival. The music is still playing as the screen fades to black

 

[Profit]

You lookin' for some cheap props?

You must really be bored, dude.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

You lookin' for some cheap props?

You must really be bored, dude.

If I wanted Props I would have said it was the best thing ever. As for being really bored Yes I am

 

[Deadman]

I can make you less bored wanna join DCW.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

I can make you less bored wanna join DCW.

Do I have to do anything?

 

[Deadman]

No not really I can do everything for you.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

OK then

 

[Deadman]

I will send everthing to you tomorrow.

 

[Eternal Dragon]

That's actually not that bad. Not awkwardly written, like a lot of RPs can be, and besides some small mistakes, pretty good. One thing that I noticed is you say "we see" a lot when you're describing something, which actually a lot of people do in RPs. You don't need to say that because obviously we're seeing it. So instead of saying:

"We can hear ICP’s song “The Great Milenko” playing over the speaker system. "

you can say

"ICP's song "The Great Milenko" plays over the speaker system."

That way, not only are you only using the words you need to use and cutting the sentence down, you're also not using the passive tone. It's kind of like when people are writing an essay or something and they say "I think," obviously it's your thoughts because it's your essay so you don't need to tell the reader that you think, you need to tell them WHAT you think. Same thing here. Don't tell them they will see something, tell them just WHAT they're seeing.

Hope that helps.

Flames Out
Dragon