Dorian Geigel could not help but toss and turn in his bed, still unable to fall asleep after settling down to bed two hours ago. He violently tossed, hoping to find some comfort in his bed. He felt none, as he could only recount the 12 hour day he just went through, at the hospital. He turned to the alarm clock, to stare at the blinking
3:17 AM provided by the alarm clock. At this hour, Dorian could only loathe the blinking clock, for taunting his inability to fall asleep. Next to him, his wife Ellie lay, but did not sleep. She kept her eyes closed, though, to feign sleeping; she knew Dorian to be a guilty soul, and didn't want him to know he caused her inability to sleep. Beside that, Dorian always kicked the sheets from her feet, which caused her to freeze. Not even the soothing sounds of the thunderstorm outside could help Ellie sleep, as the sound of Dorian contorting and twisting in bed kept her awake. Dorian twisted one more time, before sitting up on the edge of the bed. Dorian sat there for some time, completely exhausted, and yet completely unable to sleep. He sat at the edge of the bed for what felt like an eternity, silent as possible, as he turned back to look at his beautiful bride. He heaved a giant sigh, as he got out of bed, and put on his robe. He tiptoed towards the restroom, hoping Ellie wouldn't awake and see him like this. He made it to the bathroom, and turned on the light, rushing in to make sure the light didn't wake his wife.
Dorian turned on the faucet, and just looked at himself in the mirror for a very long time. His beard, quite unkempt, indicated a man who was taking less care of himself. Indeed, even a cursory look of Dorian's face saw a man with heavy bags under his eyes, and an overall look of malaise in his eyes. He cupped his hands under the faucet, hoping to wash his face, but could only stare at himself in the mirror.
Why?, Dorian thought to himself, as he looked into his own eyes.
What's the point of all of this? He noticed that his eyes were still a little bloodshot, and that his shoulders were hunched.
It didn't always use to be this hard...did it? He poured water over his face, as he tried to gather himself. He pondered this question for some time now. It wasn't nearly as prevalent as it had been for the past few days. But now, the thought was consuming him. Every second at work, he thought this, though kept it to himself. Tonight, Dorian knew there was no way he could escape this thought. He looked at himself in the mirror again, and sighed heavily. He turned off the faucet, and turned off the lights in the bathroom. He opened the door, and walked towards the bedroom door, again trying to avoid the creaking sound of the floor. He tiptoed towards the door, groggily opening the door and gently closing it as he walked towards his study. Once then, he turned on the lights, and plopped down in his easy chair, massaging the temples of his fore head with a pained look on his face. He rummaged through his old files of patients, as he breathed heavily. He tried to make sense of the old files, looking through old patients. After two or three minutes of silently studying, he threw the files onto the floor, and cradled his head into his hands. He stayed there for some time, only lifting up his head to see Ellie staring at him, with a concerned look in her eye.
"Go back to bed, dear." He looked at her with a pleading eye, though the tone was too tired to be considered begging.
"We both know I won't get to sleep until you tell me what's wrong."
Another heavy sigh, as Dorian looked up again. He slunk into his eas chair, and folded his hands in his lap.
"That's just it, Ellie. I don't know what's wrong."
Ellie allowed for a pause, and then walked over to her husband.
"Then, let's talk through how you're feeling together."
Dorian faked a smile, and looked his wife.
"Hey now, that's my job."
"Doctors need help, too, sometimes."
He snickered to himself, before going back to his files.
"Rough day at work?"
"Ellie...I don't even know if I'm really helping these people."
Ellie seemed legitimately taken aback by this, as she gathered her thoughts.
"Of course you are, sweetie. Why...why would you ever think that?"
Dorian again sighed heavily, while looking at the file of a patient with schizophrenia; a case that resulted in the suicide of his patient.
"Ellie...so many of my patients die. No matter how hard I try...I can't save them all."
As quickly as possible, Ellie shot back,
"No one's asking you to, dear."
"Shouldn't they, though? I'm a doctor, dear...my job is to save lives." He paused for a second, before picking up another file.
"Have I ever told you why I keep these files, dear?"
Ellie shook her head, anxious to her husband's concerns. He looked down, as tears started to well.
"They're all patients who died under my watch, Ellie. Every night, I look at these files. And I try to find some hidden bit about them, something that I missed. Something that could...I don't know, bring them back."
Ellie paused, as the room was silent for some time.
"Sweetie," she began, with a soothing tone to her voice.
"Sweetie, you can't bring someone back from the dead."
"And why not?". Dorian realized that he had shouted at his wife, as she cowered away from her husband. He realized now he was standing. He sat back down, and lowered his voice.
"I know I can't bring them back...but I'm sure their families would give anything to bring them back. I mean...what would you do, if I died?"
Ellie had no response to this, and couldn't form a response. She stammered for a few seconds, before confessing,
"I'd do everything I could to bring you back." They sat in silence, for some time. Dorian read through the files of his patients, as Ellie searched for what to say next.
"Dorian, every doctor loses patients. It doesn't make you a bad doctor to lose patients."
"It's just... what's the point, Ellie? All my life, I was told to value life, and treasure it. But when I see so much death happening in front of my eyes...What's the point in trying to save people that are going to die, anyway? I never think my patients are getting better...every day, I hear them tell me things they think I want to hear. And then, one week later, nothing's changed. They're still sick...I haven't made them any better. I haven't saved anyone..."
There was a silence, as Ellie absorbed this information. Dorian put his head in his hands again, and silently wept for the lives lost. Ellie put a hand on her shoulder, being sure to give Dorian his time. She walked over to the iPod player, and she chose a certain song. The very song that Dorian insisted on having for their first dance, at their wedding:
[YOUTUBE]cvuNo02q0mY[/YOUTUBE]
The opening chords caused Dorian to bawl, as he thought of the lives lost. Ellie walked to her husband, and picked him up from the chair. She hugged him, as he clasped his arms around her waist, and cried in her shoulder. As the music continued to play, Ellie began to sway from side to side. She tried to move Dorian's hips, in an attempt to get him to dance with her. He shuffled his feet, as he clung tightly to his wife.
You saved me," she whispered gently into his ear, as he buried his face into her neck.
"And you are an amazing doctor...the world needs your talents, Dorian. And I need...God knows what I'd do without you."
Dorian's eyes began to dry, as he looked at his wife with a deep admiration.
"And as long as I'm here... You can not quit, do you understand me? I won't let you give up on something you really care about. I will not let you give up saving people. As long as I'm here, you keep saving people, you hear me?"
Dorian slowly nodded, as he looked into the eyes of his wife.
"This world needs you, Dorian. You and I know it. And if this world were going to Hell, I'd want you standing right next to me. No matter what, Dorian."
They kissed, as Ellie looked to her husband.
"No matter what. Now promise me, you will never give up, Dorian."
Dorian looked to his stack of patients, the lives of which he tried so hard to save.
"No matter what." He dried his eyes, and Ellie took him by the hand, to go back to bed.