Are you okay? Are you sure? What's wrong?

[enviousdominous]

When someone starts that line of questioning, I find myself completely shutting down to them. At that point the line of loaded questioning will only devolve into a situation where I'm angry with them for being so arbitrarily intrusive with their assumptions, and that anger only validates what they assume was their reasoned assessment of my demeanor.

Today I upset my coworker, someone who I get along with splendidly most of the time. He patted me on the back and said "It's alright man, hang in there" completely to my surprise. I gave a sincere "thanks man" and continued working. The scene should have ended right there.

Nope, he continued with "Are you alright man? What's wrong?" which prompted me to stop what I was in the middle of and turn to look and see if he was joking around. Mind you, the day was going well and I honestly have no regrets about any aspect of my life at this point.

After realizing he was being serious, I responded with "Why does something have to be wrong?" He started to get defensive at this point saying "I'm just asking if you're okay! You don't have to bite my head off man. I'm just trying to look out for you." and he stood there waiting for me to respond. Being very creeped out, I turned back to my desk and continued working.

While trying to ignore him, I heard "Why are you being like this man?" repeated over and over again until eventually he huffed away.

I'm not looking for anyone to support my attitude toward that line of questioning, but feel free to call me out if I behaved like a jerk. What I'm wondering is if anyone else out there has had to deal with that kind of situation where someone goes from supposedly showing concern for you to becoming hostile simply because you won't validate their desire to "help".

I bring all this up mainly because it seems like an epidemic among certain personality types. Family members have behaved this way, random people who I don't even know have behaved this way. If I'm ever that concerned with someone else's demeanor, I can accept it if they respond to my query with a simple "yes, I'm okay" even if I believe that they're only doing so because I'm the last person they'd want to open up to.

 

[SHAGAMANIA 3:16]

Seems a bit strange that he cares for you that much.

Maybe you just looked a bit more tired than usual or something.

My nan does that quite a bit and it is quite annoying at times but I don't blow up about it.

 

[Stone Cold Tea]

Its interesting that he feels aggrieved you wouldn't allow him to support you with whatever issue he perceived you had. For me I would never get arsey with anyone just because they don't want to share their issues with me. Theyre personal problems for a reason.

Maybe he took it as a slight on your friendship with him. Maybe he's one of those wanting to know it all types. Then again maybe he was just been a bitch. He could be one of those types who puts a status saying ''Hate the world yada yada yada'' then when people comment asking whats up he says he doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe it was nothing whatsoever.

 

[OYDK]

I completely feel you on this. It's almost maddening when you have to deal with it more than once with the same person. One of my exes was notorious for this and it's actually one of the main reasons we ended up splitting.

We'd be laying on my bed, watching TV or some shit as calm and peaceful as can be when out of the blue she would say, "Why are you mad at me?" My common response would be "uh, what?" and than she'd go off on a tangent like that dumbfounded expression just proved her point. Despite me repeatedly telling her that I'm not angry and I just want to hang out with her, she keeps asking. So than I get mad and blow my fucking lid, which makes her think she was right all along.

You definitely weren't being a jerk. Sometimes people aren't going to want to tell you their deepest darkest secrets OR are actually telling the truth when they say nothing's wrong. Your co-worker should be able to accept that and stop acting like a whiny babyboy about you not "opening up" to him. It's also odd that a co-worker would feel so strongly about this. To get mad over it?

Follow up question. How's the relationship today? Back to same old, same old?

 

[enviousdominous]

Follow up question. How's the relationship today? Back to same old, same old?

For the most part, though he's been laying in some subtle jabs that make me wonder about his motivations.

Right after that incident, he came back and vented to me about how certain people are getting on his nerves. Part of his rant on a female coworker had this nugget of intrigue; "And then she said that I was too nosey!" I let him know that I concurred with her, and that killed his momentum with what he was saying.

I'll admit that my response of "Why does anything have to be wrong." was of a tone that suggested that he was being a douche (which I still think he was), also I probably could have let him get his entire rant out before killing his buzz.

We've been back to being working buddies ever since, though recently he suggested that I should go to a Mental Health Clinic. I asked why, and he gushed about how the last time he went (recently) there it was great because he could just let all his problems out and there wouldn't be any consequences (bullshit). Small tidbit about me; I'm very OCD, but we all have our personality quirks. I politely declined his advice, and he started getting pretty insistent.

So, my amateur diagnosis is that he's trying to scapegoat his troubles by encouraging me to see our potential flaws as the same.

 

[HBsam31]

I know this post is a bit old, but I have been off the forums for a while. I felt the need to respond because this is something that happens to me at least weekly. I have a female boss who fancies our workplace a family. Now that is fine. I don't necessarily have a problem with that as it is a good place to work where the people actually care if you do have a problem that requires time off and whatnot. The problem is this. I am a normally happy person, like life and so on. I do have quiet days though as I am sure most of us do. For some reason it is just not acceptable to her. What wrong whats wrong are you cool today whats wrong. Nothing just tired, not in the mood to talk, whatever. It doesnt stop. She will try and crack jokes insist on initiating conversation. Go as far as to literally poke me to try and get me to smile. By the time she gets done with it i have turned into being legitimately angry. I don't think that is fair to do to me to satisfy whatever need she has. So yeah I feel you completely. It's ok to be quiet and unto yourself certain times. We are chefs and the work environment is much more prone to conversation as prep is being done just to clarify.

 

[enviousdominous]

I know this post is a bit old, but I have been off the forums for a while. I felt the need to respond because this is something that happens to me at least weekly. I have a female boss who fancies our workplace a family. Now that is fine. I don't necessarily have a problem with that as it is a good place to work where the people actually care if you do have a problem that requires time off and whatnot. The problem is this. I am a normally happy person, like life and so on. I do have quiet days though as I am sure most of us do. For some reason it is just not acceptable to her. What wrong whats wrong are you cool today whats wrong. Nothing just tired, not in the mood to talk, whatever. It doesnt stop. She will try and crack jokes insist on initiating conversation. Go as far as to literally poke me to try and get me to smile. By the time she gets done with it i have turned into being legitimately angry. I don't think that is fair to do to me to satisfy whatever need she has. So yeah I feel you completely. It's ok to be quiet and unto yourself certain times. We are chefs and the work environment is much more prone to conversation as prep is being done just to clarify.

Being able to relate on these things is one of the few redeeming qualities of the internet.

Some of us like to keep work as a place where work gets done first and conversations about whatever are a little lower on our list of daily priorities. If my hardy work ethic stomps all over someone else's ability to respect themselves while they're dicking around trying to be a people person, they take offense internally and manifest that frustration by trying to initiate me. Not sure if that relates to your example, but thought I'd share.

I worked in a kitchen for about eight years, one thing I noticed was the more chatty co-workers would screw up their work very often and were usually not blamed because they were such amazing gossip buddies with the bosses.

I had a really stupid boss at one point who, while I was preparing chicken by cutting them up with a really sharp knife, stood behind me with his hands on his hips for about ten minutes. I asked him what he wanted, and he shouted across the kitchen "Hey (a co-worker he was friends with)! Can you please demonstrate how to properly prepare chicken." So co-worker comes over and sets up his own cutting station. Now, I was a level of pissed off that had me boiling over so I asked him what I was doing wrong. His response was him shaking his head and looking at co-worker, who blurted out a bullshit explanation of "You're going too slowly, you need to go faster." Think about that for a second, that was the level of dipshit douche-baggery I had to deal with back in 2011. So co-worker takes a knife that he did not sharpen, and goes to work slashing up chicken quickly while the boss nodded his head in amusement and walked off. Co-worker kept on talking like a dick-head the entire time while keeping his eyes half closed also, like he was this amazing chef savant who I couldn't possibly be as good as.

*SKISH*

He sliced so deeply into the top of the first section of his index finger that he almost severed the tendon. I drove him to the ER and he insisted on not wearing a seatbelt because they're not stylish, and on the way he was still trying to lecture me on how to properly prepare chicken.

He didn't use a sharpened knife, which meant that he had to put more strength into his cuts and thus increase the risk of an accident.

He bled onto the chicken so it had to be thrown away.

He got three weeks off of work while he healed, meaning that I had to pick up his slack.

Sorry, didn't meant to rant a whole greek tragedy. Just saying, people who favor being social over being serious tend to trip over their own idiocy.

 

[DirtyD79]

I really hate when people begin asking me questions like that too. It just comes across as condescending. Mostly because I've heard it being used as a way of insulting somebody, Maybe I just have trust issues sometimes or maybe because I just don't feel it's that person's business. To me there are tiers to your relationship with someone. If you only know them through something like work, school, a club, or whatever you don't get to play amateur psychologist or freelance life-coach. Needling them about whatever problems you think they have after they've already told you they don't want to talk about it is overstepping your boundaries.

Even if you do know them very well or even intimately you need to realize people process things differently. Sometimes people need some alone time to work through things or at least get to a point where they feel comfortable asking for your help.

Furthermore, I'm just not always a chatty person, especially if I'm busy trying to get work done. I like to roll around, crack wise, and wax philosophical with the best of them but when I'm busy it's not the time. Work's not a social club and your coworkers aren't there for your entertainment. They've got shit they need to do too.

 

[enviousdominous]

I really hate when people begin asking me questions like that too. It just comes across as condescending. Mostly because I've heard it being used as a way of insulting somebody, Maybe I just have trust issues sometimes or maybe because I just don't feel it's that person's business. To me there are tiers to your relationship with someone. If you only know them through something like work, school, a club, or whatever you don't get to play amateur psychologist or freelance life-coach. Needling them about whatever problems you think they have after they've already told you they don't want to talk about it is overstepping your boundaries.

Even if you do know them very well or even intimately you need to realize people process things differently. Sometimes people need some alone time to work through things or at least get to a point where they feel comfortable asking for your help.

Furthermore, I'm just not always a chatty person, especially if I'm busy trying to get work done. I like to roll around, crack wise, and wax philosophical with the best of them but when I'm busy it's not the time. Work's not a social club and your coworkers aren't there for your entertainment. They've got shit they need to do too.

I think we're much wiser people if we acknowledge that there's a process to earning a social status with someone else based on shared experiences, it's crazy when people think they can just be their open outgoing selves and that it's your problem if you don't respond positively to their attempt to compromise your confidence.

There was a writer named Piers Anthony who wrote a book called "Fractal Mode" and in the author's notes he writes:

"One thing you who has secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not, we who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs or seem to seek them, who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors, we're not that way from perversity. And we cannot just relax and let it go. We've learned to cope in ways you never had to."

The real beauty of the Information Age is that even those of us who are society's eccentric introverts can find the few kindred spirits out there who share in our opinions of the status quo.

 

[Akhilleus]

We've been back to being working buddies ever since, though recently he suggested that I should go to a Mental Health Clinic. I asked why, and he gushed about how the last time he went (recently) there it was great because he could just let all his problems out and there wouldn't be any consequences (bullshit). Small tidbit about me; I'm very OCD, but we all have our personality quirks. I politely declined his advice, and he started getting pretty insistent.

To touch on this a little bit, I too would not completely decline the idea of talking to someone every once in awhile. A Mental Health Clinic is a tad extreme, but I'm a psychology major...and for the longest time I had this idea that I couldn't go to a counselor because I wanted to be one. How could I be a counselor if I need help? But I realized eventually how silly that was. I was basically holding myself to a higher standard than my future patients.

Since then, I've been taking advantage of my university's free counseling center anytime I felt like I need someone to talk to and vent. I don't really have a lot of people I can actually trust in to vent all my problems away, but for some reason there I can. Not only that, but I'm also experiencing counselling on the other side. Which is great (and recommended) for when I do go into that career.

Simply put, there is no problem in taking up an offer to go to a counselor or other sort of professional, especially if that offer is free.

As far as your situation goes, I would agree that your friend is a little nosy. I wouldn't hold it against him, he sounds like a nice guy who actually cares about you. Something that is a bit rare nowadays. I would suggest talking to him straight up about this though, tell him you really appreciate his concern, but he just needs to back off sometimes and let you do you.

I know this post is a bit old, but I have been off the forums for a while. I felt the need to respond because this is something that happens to me at least weekly. I have a female boss who fancies our workplace a family. Now that is fine. I don't necessarily have a problem with that as it is a good place to work where the people actually care if you do have a problem that requires time off and whatnot. The problem is this. I am a normally happy person, like life and so on. I do have quiet days though as I am sure most of us do. For some reason it is just not acceptable to her. What wrong whats wrong are you cool today whats wrong. Nothing just tired, not in the mood to talk, whatever. It doesnt stop. She will try and crack jokes insist on initiating conversation. Go as far as to literally poke me to try and get me to smile. By the time she gets done with it i have turned into being legitimately angry. I don't think that is fair to do to me to satisfy whatever need she has. So yeah I feel you completely. It's ok to be quiet and unto yourself certain times. We are chefs and the work environment is much more prone to conversation as prep is being done just to clarify.

Is your boss the female version of Michael Scott?

 

[enviousdominous]

To touch on this a little bit, I too would not completely decline the idea of talking to someone every once in awhile. A Mental Health Clinic is a tad extreme, but I'm a psychology major...and for the longest time I had this idea that I couldn't go to a counselor because I wanted to be one. How could I be a counselor if I need help? But I realized eventually how silly that was. I was basically holding myself to a higher standard than my future patients.

Since then, I've been taking advantage of my university's free counseling center anytime I felt like I need someone to talk to and vent. I don't really have a lot of people I can actually trust in to vent all my problems away, but for some reason there I can. Not only that, but I'm also experiencing counselling on the other side. Which is great (and recommended) for when I do go into that career.

Simply put, there is no problem in taking up an offer to go to a counselor or other sort of professional, especially if that offer is free.

As far as your situation goes, I would agree that your friend is a little nosy. I wouldn't hold it against him, he sounds like a nice guy who actually cares about you. Something that is a bit rare nowadays. I would suggest talking to him straight up about this though, tell him you really appreciate his concern, but he just needs to back off sometimes and let you do you.

If I may be selfish for a moment; while I relate to you in the sense of recognizing that by ignoring the benefits of counseling I'm putting myself above those who have sought counseling, I really don't think that anyone who's recommended that I go to counseling truly knows my quirks or my coping mechanisms.

My career is like living in a very uptight gated community, a fishbowl if you will. Everybody wants to be great, so they act great based on the standard of great that was dictated by some person whose influence doesn't have to be based on good reason. They want to help you, and it's great for them that they've invented a laundry list of problems that you have that would sure validate their opinion of themselves if they could convince you that they're real.

I know, I sound like most testy patients who want to get combative during a session. My cousin is the Chief Medical Officer at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, I would think that if I was at risk for anything she would have called me out when she and I chat. While our chats can be described as casual psycho-analysis, she spends most of the time venting about her problems (which I don't mind).

My point is: we all have quirks. If you manage them well, you don't need counseling. Talking to an impartial listener is a good thing for most of us, so your advice is solid. What my co-workers are suggesting is that I seek help as a means of confirming for them that I don't manage my quirks well. In my line of work, you see people facing negative consequences all the time for doing something that everyone says will never result in negative consequences.

The biggest problem is when you talk to some of my co-workers straight. They usually don't know how much it can really free one's soul to admit that we're not perfect, and that admitting as much isn't failure. It all depends on the situation, and more often than not the situation is one where giving someone a straight talk about their problems is the worst possible thing you can do.

Few people in my career field can take criticism without the common idiotic reflex of giving criticism back to me, based only on the purpose of getting even for being slighted. I work with people who disguise themselves as absolutely unshakable, and as it turns out the tiniest dose of discouraging reality will put them on the verge of self harm and hopelessness. I'm giving my friend the benefit of a work environment where I don't remind him of how he slipped up from my perspective, which is a hell of a lot more than he would give anybody else.

I'm sure that a small sliver in the pie chart that is his reasoning for starting with me was that he was genuinely concerned with my well being, and in spite of my reclusive nature I'm willing to let myself feel good for being thought about.

 

[HBsam31]

Is your boss the female version of Michael Scott?

I have never actually watched that show. I guess you just gave me a show to binge watch because now I am interested.