Another advice thread....

[a0161613]

So I normally think these kind of threads are pretty pants but I'm very worried about this. I actually dont know what to do.

My mum is in a bucketload of debt. She has loads of letters from creditors asking for money etc and I dont know how she can get herself out of it. She is on disability benefits, has a car on Motability and lives in "sheltered" accomodation (a block of council flats) and she is suffering more and more physical and mental problems every time I see her.

I live on the other side of the country and cannot afford to bail her out anymore. My sister also lives miles away and is in a similar position moneywise.

Whenever we come up to see her, we find these letters and it doesnt seem to be getting any better. I know for a fact that she bought a freezer on a high interest short term loan, which petrifies me. She regularly buys crap and I dont know how to stop her.

My sister says I need to have it out with her and I guess it is my responsibility as the oldest son. My grandmother has bailed her out in the past and it cost £7000 but i have a horrible feeling this is almost as bad. I know that in an ideal world I would take power of attorney and control every little aspect of her life but I have my own life, a mortgage and a wedding to pay for so I just can't.

I should sit her down, pour out these letters in front of here and force her to confront it but I know that is too much. Im just so worried and annoyed about how one person can be so financially irresponsible. My sister gave her £400 recently and I cant say what it got spent on. That is terrifying to me, especially as I know she wanted to give her more.


[/rant]

Sorry WZ, just needed to vent.

 

[Slyfox696]

In all honesty, there's not much you can do. I don't know how things work in the UK, but just from a family perspective, I would make sure your mother understands there's no more money coming, until she shows she can be financially responsible. And at the end of the day, she's an adult, and you have to let her live her life.

As far as mental illness goes, that's just something I'm not sure anyone can help you with, as every instance of mental illness is different, and until you live the part, it's hard to advise on what to do.

I'd consult with a lawyer, and see what your options are. I'm thinking about what happens if she passes away, and there's debts left to pay. I don't know how that works where you live, but I'd certainly start finding out how to make sure you don't have to pay for what she's doing.

 

[a0161613]

Thank you Sly.

Her mental issues aren't severe as they come from her physical dehabiliation. I am sure not having any familiy close by doesnt help but she has been like this for years.

It's just depression but she shows no motivation to do anything besides laze in front of the telly. The annoying thing is basic Freeview and a normal telly isnt good enough, she had to have Sky and a flatscreen TV for her bedroom.

This is the kind of nonsensical thing that she will do. We got her one big telly as a gift from the family for her front room. But it clearly wasnt good enough so she gets herself into an 18mnth contract with Sky for £20 a month.

The thing is, I know that she agreed to make a £1 a month to these companies who are chasing her, things would be better - they would be forced to accept it. If she has bailiffs after her, the TVs are gone and I think they would take the Motability car also, despite it being a lease vehicle.

I know I need to make her aware of how serious this could be.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

I don't get what you're trying to ask: do you want us to tell you it's okay to live you own life and stop worrying about your mother or do you want advice on how to handle her problems? If it's too much for you to handle now, stop worrying about her. If you could handle it but don't like the fact that you can't keep a close eye on her, get her to move nearer to you.

 

[Lee]

Thank you Sly.

Her mental issues aren't severe as they come from her physical dehabiliation. I am sure not having any familiy close by doesnt help but she has been like this for years.

It's just depression but she shows no motivation to do anything besides laze in front of the telly. The annoying thing is basic Freeview and a normal telly isnt good enough, she had to have Sky and a flatscreen TV for her bedroom.

This is the kind of nonsensical thing that she will do. We got her one big telly as a gift from the family for her front room. But it clearly wasnt good enough so she gets herself into an 18mnth contract with Sky for £20 a month.

The thing is, I know that she agreed to make a £1 a month to these companies who are chasing her, things would be better - they would be forced to accept it. If she has bailiffs after her, the TVs are gone and I think they would take the Motability car also, despite it being a lease vehicle.

I know I need to make her aware of how serious this could be.

 

[The Man They Call WMD]

While I am not a lawyer, I am training to be one. What I would recommend is to look into her estate plannings. I do not know how it works in England under common law but you should see an attorney and make sure you and your sister do not inherit her debt. I would also take her to someone who practices elder law. There they can make the appropriate recommendations for you/her.

 

[shattered dreams]

I think you have to man up and talk to her about it. There is probably somewhere you can get some advice about a way to go about it that might not blow up in your face. Maybe talk to her about it in steps, starting with smaller stuff and working up to larger issues. I do think anyone giving her money is unfortunately going to be an enabler. To get her to see the real issue you would probably have to get everyone to quit helping her with money. That sounds tough but maybe she needs it if you want her to stop the actions. You can always go back to helping her later if she becomes responsible again. If there is an issue with debt it might be worth sorting through the mass of frauds to find the reputable people that can help settle such situations to your advantage.

 

[TheOneBigWill]

So I normally think these kind of threads are pretty pants but I'm very worried about this. I actually dont know what to do.

My mum is in a bucketload of debt. She has loads of letters from creditors asking for money etc and I dont know how she can get herself out of it. She is on disability benefits, has a car on Motability and lives in "sheltered" accomodation (a block of council flats) and she is suffering more and more physical and mental problems every time I see her.

First; as it's been noted because I'm not over there, I don't know how the laws apply or if they'd be similar. However, if they are then to my knowledge if she is on "assistance" for everything, including living in a place that she was given through assistance; it can NOT be taken away from here.

To my knowledge, she can not be put out and made homeless, because she owes debt. If she owned her home and it was on a loan she didn't pay - then yeah, she'd be out - but if all of what you said translated into she is on assistance through everything, then it sounds like she's being covered by the Government regardless how deep she gets.

As for the mental and physical issues: unfortunately I know from first hand at seeing this with my own Parents, it seems that the further down they get with debt, and depression, and just bad times - it further cripples them physically and mentally. Almost as if inside they have, or are trying to, just accept defeat and be done with it. I hate watching that type of thing as well, and try all the time to do everything I can to change it.

But unfortunately, the people you're trying to help MUST want to change their ways and find a way to be helped, or find the proper help they need.

I live on the other side of the country and cannot afford to bail her out anymore. My sister also lives miles away and is in a similar position moneywise.

This is simply a personal option on your part. No where is it written that you MUST take care of her, or give her all of your money that you worked hard for. The child is NOT suppose to completely take care of the Parent in this manner.

I get the old understanding of once the children grow up, they take care of the aging Parents by way of old age and what-knot; but this isn't exactly the same thing, so you can not allow yourself to beat yourself up over it.

From the way it sounds, you're doing all you can - and the fact is, you simply can not cripple your own life, in an attempt to help her's, regardless of it being your Mother or not. YOU still have to continue living as well, and if you begin building a debt for yourself in trying to help her; who's gonna help you?

Whenever we come up to see her, we find these letters and it doesnt seem to be getting any better. I know for a fact that she bought a freezer on a high interest short term loan, which petrifies me. She regularly buys crap and I dont know how to stop her.

I know every bit of how this goes. My Parents are irresponsible with their bills and money as well. My Mother bought a lap top from a rent-to-own place (the worst of all stores, in my opinion). She did NOT have the funds to properly pay for it, but somehow thought she could. She made all of her payments ($100.00 a month) until the final 2; she could not make them and they took the cpu back. That was ultimately a huge waste of money, and in the end she got nothing out of it.

This is the biggest problem that you should address with her until she gets it into her head. And I don't mean gaining the reply of "yeah, I understand".. I mean, you have to practically beat it into their head. The worst thing is.. if she's anything like my own; she won't look at you as someone who should be telling her how to live, or manage her stuff - because "you're the child, and they are the Parent".

My sister says I need to have it out with her and I guess it is my responsibility as the oldest son. My grandmother has bailed her out in the past and it cost £7000 but i have a horrible feeling this is almost as bad. I know that in an ideal world I would take power of attorney and control every little aspect of her life but I have my own life, a mortgage and a wedding to pay for so I just can't.

It sounds pretty much like your Mom has just sat back and ignored any real understanding of the debt she's in, because she knows someone - somewhere - will always bail her out and give her money.

That is the type of problem that will only be solved when people STOP giving her money, and it ultimately forces her to see that she has to change. And cutting off the help, through funds, is harder than people think. It isn't as easy as "no more money, I'm sorry". Especially to those who have to watch the struggles and issues get worse before they get better.

As far as taking control of her stuff, while it's a good idea at heart and head - I've never liked it personally, because I always feel as if it'd cause someone to think the worst of themselves or their lives, and want to end them. The last thing I'd ever want is to think I could/would have something to do with my Parents dying because I seized control of their funds and basically "raised them" the rest of the way.

I should sit her down, pour out these letters in front of here and force her to confront it but I know that is too much. Im just so worried and annoyed about how one person can be so financially irresponsible. My sister gave her £400 recently and I cant say what it got spent on. That is terrifying to me, especially as I know she wanted to give her more.

It isn't that it's "too much", it's just that doing something like that won't get the point across. I'm sure she KNOWS she has those letters and debt. It's the fact that she's in denial of knowing she has to pay them. Dumping all of them out in front of her won't force her to understand any of that. She'll just continue to ignore them in her own way.

The only way to make sure she gets the point - is to cut off the money/help. I'm not saying to force her into a homeless situation, if that could become a case; but I'd say cut back on the money to the point that she finally realized (herself) that she needs to do something, somehow; instead of sitting back and waiting on the rest of the Family to come aid her again - and again.

I wish you all the best man, and I hope you and yours' can get through this time.

 

[a0161613]

I don't get what you're trying to ask: do you want us to tell you it's okay to live you own life and stop worrying about your mother or do you want advice on how to handle her problems? If it's too much for you to handle now, stop worrying about her. If you could handle it but don't like the fact that you can't keep a close eye on her, get her to move nearer to you.

I definitely don't know how to handle the problems she has.

I did italicise it. I dont mean to say that it is not serious. She has been told that she has to learn to cope with what she is able to do now, which upset her. I just dont know how to breach this subject with her. I'm certain that she will just run away from it.

While I am not a lawyer, I am training to be one. What I would recommend is to look into her estate plannings. I do not know how it works in England under common law but you should see an attorney and make sure you and your sister do not inherit her debt. I would also take her to someone who practices elder law. There they can make the appropriate recommendations for you/her.

Cheers man. I've googled it and the gist is that I can't inherit it unless I am involved in it. But I definitely need to talk to someone about it.

I think you have to man up and talk to her about it. There is probably somewhere you can get some advice about a way to go about it that might not blow up in your face. Maybe talk to her about it in steps, starting with smaller stuff and working up to larger issues. I do think anyone giving her money is unfortunately going to be an enabler. To get her to see the real issue you would probably have to get everyone to quit helping her with money. That sounds tough but maybe she needs it if you want her to stop the actions. You can always go back to helping her later if she becomes responsible again. If there is an issue with debt it might be worth sorting through the mass of frauds to find the reputable people that can help settle such situations to your advantage.

You are right though. It's going to be tough - I can't deny that. I just need to realise that I can't avoid it for too much longer because it seems to get worse every time I visit.

I'm not going to quote your post Will but thank you. Parents eh?

 

[The Bearded One]

It's just depression but she shows no motivation to do anything besides laze in front of the telly. The annoying thing is basic Freeview and a normal telly isnt good enough, she had to have Sky and a flatscreen TV for her bedroom.

Then she is irresponsible. She needs to get off her ass and get a job. Who cares where at, go work at McDonald's. Don't come crying to me if you're up to your eyeballs in debt but still have stupid expenses like this.

But on another note, depression sucks. I've had my battles with it in the past. It's no joke.