XFL : Xtreme Fighting League

[Spidey Revivey]

The year is 2020. Interim President of The United States, "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner, has signed an exclusive deal with failing promotion WWE to create a new landscape for wrestling. Wrestling is of course America's #1 source of entertainment*.

But the state of WWE was a major political debate last election despite a growing concern over which candidate's wife was hotter than the other. Steiner put everyone at ease by repeatedly telling the nation he will not only satisfy WWE's stock on the NASDAQ, but also satisfy every candidate's wife. Steiner won by a landslide in all states except Florida. The majority in The Sunshine State voted for Kanye West**.

Owner and God-King*** of World Wrestling Entertainment, Triple H, is currently suffering from a mid-life crisis due to his company going under, and in Steiner's words "Needs all the bandages wrapped around that tornness." Triple H will be on the XFL active roster in hopes of reliving his glory days of making rude gestures at his genitals. His wife Stephanie McMahon refused to comment.

In a Press Release, President Scott Steiner ran through a list of what to expect with the new XFL corporation:

• Good wrestling
• Good looking freaks
• Good looking freaks with boobs
• World Peace
• Universal Peace
• Boobs
• Sustainable Energy

The show will air live on C-SPAN.

*outside of memes, which we all know is the most prevalent stock on the NASDAQ.

**Kanye West was a write-in.

***As voted on in the Season Finale of American Idol: All-Stars. Runner Up that year was Chris Daughtry.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

BREAKING NEWS
SHATTERING INFORMATION
RIPPING REPORT​

After Interim President Scott "Freakzilla" Steiner's Press Conference, he quickly went to work by signing ex-WWE talents Bayley and Grado.

Fans may remember Bayley's controversial last run in the dying brand. She was promptly fired for kidnapping wrestling commentator Michael Cole and torturing him with mouse traps and repeated plays of Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me". The traps and music were a part of the script, sources say, but the addition of Kraft cheese was improvised and in poor taste.

Grado is no stranger to WWE fans. Last taping of Monday Night Raw saw the plucky goofball defeat The Big Show and Brie Wyatt* in a Three Way Dance-Off. The WWE Intercontinental World Championship was hoisted in the air by "The Chubby Wee" himself as the live show came to an end in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

More acquisitions to come.

*unholy fusion of a lesser-talented wrestling sibling and Brie Bella.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

WWE UPDATE

Dead inside, Owner and God-King Triple H ends WWE by burying the company in Madison Square Garden.​

WWE finished their historic run in the Garden last night to a very relieved audience. The Main Event of the evening was a Buried Alive Match that featured "The Game" Triple H squaring off against the grassy terrain of the Garden. When confronted with the decision to book himself against nature, Hunter Paul Levesque-Helmsley replied "It was an aesthetic choice. I wanted the federation to die in the most poetic fashion. It's a deep, deep thing, and I hope the viewers get it."

Depicted Here: The businessman snapping live on television.​

The grim expression on his face lifted when interviewers asked him about President "Big Bad Booty Daddy" Scott Steiner's XFL. "I have a reason to live now," remarked the Cerebral Assassin. "Oh boy, I've still got it! Look out Xtreme Fighting League, because I really am that damn good. I'm better than good, really. Like pretty great. I'm not a shabby guy. I could do alright I guess. Wooo!"

Stephanie McMahon was confronted in the parking lot as the show came to its conclusion. When asked about where she will go from here, she simply unlocked her car, got in and told us to and I quote "Fuck off. You people are only encouraging Him."

 

[Spidey Revivey]

New Talent Signed
(???)

An enigma cloaked in a mystery. That is what the newer acquisitions to Xtreme Fighting League are to the wrestling world. They call themselves "Air Boom", but no records indicate that they have ever competed inside of a ring. Kofi Kingston, the taller of the two, insists that at one time he was quite popular on the now defunct WWE television show. So was his partner, Evan Bourne, the gentleman remarked in his West Jamaican African accent. Interim President "The Genetic Freak" Scott Steiner shrugged his majestic shoulders at the tag team and exclaimed "Sure. Whatever. Sign here."

Are they vampires? They look like vampires from the picture above. Maybe they are another one of those dark and edgy teams that come along every ten years or so and do well for a little while before vanishing without a trace. Either way the Kofi guy is cutting up in the image and is probably very unprofessional. Time can only tell with this pairing.


Current XFL Sign-Up List:

• Scott Steiner
• Triple H
• Stephanie McMahon*
• Bayley
• Grado
• Kofi Kingston
• Evan Bourne
• Doink The Clown*
  

*at the behest of her overly enthusiastic husband.
**Doink The Clown is to be played by fan favorite Ryback.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

DEVELOPMENT

​

As soon as the Sign-Up List leaked onto the internet, superstar Ryback suffered a torn ACL as a result of malnourishment. Interim President "Roidy Magoo"* Scott Steiner scouted for a talent to fill the carnival gimmick position. He didn't look very long as the leader of our country stormed into his Press Secretary's office, slapped the green wig on the desk and told Joey Mercury to wear it or he's getting a noogie. Not desiring a noogie, the pint sized man reluctantly put the clown hair on. Scott Steiner scolded him and told him, "Not now you skinny little fat fuck, wait until XFL!" or something that sounded like it.**

We tried getting a scoop on the developing story, but the only thing WWE Hall of Famer Joey wanted to share with us was how we was once in a Hollywood celebrity stable. He proceeded to cry into the dirty mop that will serve as part of his attire once the show hits the airwaves on C-SPAN.

Austin Aries, Melina, and Joey Mercury in the glory days of MNM.​

*you think we're making shit up, but we are not. Wikipedia told us.

**there's no story here. Last post there was an editing error where Doink the Clown had only one asterisk after his name when he should have had two. Of course, now this means another editing error since we only needed to make up for one * but now there are two ** full of no information whatsoever. Quite a blunder for Xtreme Fighting League that will probably cement its legacy as a goofy, immature wrestling enterprise. As publisher I apologize for any inconvenience.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

MORE TALENT SIGNED

The "free agents" huddle together for warmth inside the dystopic remains of an IHOP.​

National media is abuzz today as Interim President of The United States, Scott Steiner, gave three homeless wrestlers a big break in his new wrestling brand, XFL. This would be Steiner's third generous act of charity on record- the first previously mentioned with Hall of Fame Inductee Joey Mercury. His second comes from the time he served in the Peace Corps where he taught youngsters how to hunt wild game using his patented suplex technique. This brought a bountiful harvest in Indonesia. Showing their gratitude, they constructed a weight set using nothing but boulders and bamboo. The set sits unused in his work office.*

Sexy Star, "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters, and Kurt Angle gave thanks while fighting the cold in their squalor.

"It's true", Kurt Angle said, talking to another vagrant in the diner. "It's damn true. The President is giving us a new home on C-SPAN. I'll be able to earn my keep again. Make some real money. Some damn real money. Give me some more of that hooch, Frank."

Kurt Angle sat down with us in a booth to discuss his time as an Olympian. None of us gave a shit, because nobody remembers who wins medals, not even gold anymore.**

Sexy Star enthusiastically spoke in her gibberish language while Masters grunted in response. President Steiner shook their hands and handed each of them a bowl of soup.

*our caring president is afraid he would break it. He doesn't want to disappoint the children.

**seriously, who won the Gold for freestyle wrestling in 2000? Don't look it up. Tell us. You can't? That's what we thought. It was a Russian guy, by the way. An American took it in 2012 though. But you wouldn't know who that was either. If their names aren't Angle, Michelle Kwan, or Jesse Owens odds are you don't even fucking care. And you shouldn't.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

VENUES CONSIDERED



Vince McMahon's Yacht

Epcot Center in Orlando, FL

Dollywood in Tennessee

Madison Square Garden in New York City, NY

A Tobacco Farm in Virginia

Mateus Palace in Portugal

​

 

[Spidey Revivey]

ENDORSEMENT

Yesterday former Chairman of the WWE Shane O'Mac publicly endorsed President Scott Steiner's new standard bearer in wrestling, XFL. The 2-Time World Champion* met up with the most powerful man in America and stopped for a photo op before getting down to brass tacks. "This XFL thing, I'm jonesing for it. Can I umm jump off of something?" This earned the ex-Chairman 25 seconds worth of a stare down before Steiner burped out "WAT?!".

"Please, Scott...I need it. I gotta jump off of something. A roof. The top of a cage. The Titantron. An elevator. It's a kick, man. I'd jump the bleachers of a stadium."

"I'd jump this football. Wait, why did you slap your logo on this? You selling out on me, Scott?!"​

Our beloved President sat the junkie down and politely but sternly told him to address him as either President or Mister. Shane nodded, salivating all over himself. Then the humanitarian told McMahon that he would be happy to include him in the world premiere. "We Gottaget you on sumthin' tall", Scott Steiner agreed. "Sumthin' that Gon make babies in the stands."

President Steiner firmly stated in a Q&A that Shane O'Mac is not signing with Xtreme Fighting League. He is only going to spend "Like, two minnus tops jumping on shit. Cameras may not e'ben be rolling." It is neither confirmed or denied that we'll be getting a clip of Shane performing a stunt for XFL. There are some in the office** that claim our Interim President only told Shane yes so Shane would leave him alone about it.

*WWE and NBA. Shane was a Starting Forward for the Boston Celtics.

**not me. I would never say such a seditious statement.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

I'M TYPING THIS ON MY KINDLE​

Everything is absolutely fine. Rob Van Dam did not stop by XFL Headquarters aka The White House. He did not like you know chill with us. It's all good. We'll get that first show up when it happens, man. Relax.

Here's our president trying Dank Souls for the first time. Peace.

[YOUTUBE]FzDJGLMnEdY[/YOUTUBE]​

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Tag Team Partner Tries To Grin And Bare It

"Are you serious, zebra man?"

"I guess you can't win 'em all. Meh."

"..come to think of it, that was a fast count..."

"I'm going to dig up that zebra man's grandpappy and skullf**** him in a Vine."
​

BREAKING NEWS. XFL IS NOW LIVE.

The first match of the night went off without a hitch as Grado & Bayley beat Air Boom in seven minutes of airtime. When confronted with the loss, pinned tag team member Evan Bourne just stood there for a solid ten minutes grinning stupidly at the referee. "I mean, that was sort of not cool", the Sling Blade impersonator told reporters backstage. "It really was a fast count....what did I ever do to the zebra man?" He continued to grin at us like a complete jackass until one of our rookie interviewers asked him if he thought the official had it out for him. "You're goddamn right he had it out for me! It's like I sodomized his f***ing wife as he slept or some shit. Which I might f***ing do if the zebra man tests me. I'll put that shit on World Star Hip Hop. I'm a Natural Bourne Killer*."

We asked his partner Kofi Kingston what he thought about his teammate's comments. "He just gets this way when he loses. I mean we all know when we're supposed to lose or win, this is scripted after all, but he still takes it very personally. I'd keep him under surveillance if I were you."

*once the atrocious pun was uttered, XFL talent scout Kenzo Suzuki committed Seppuku. Our prayers go out to his family at this time.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Yesterday marked the first annual Scott Steiner Scottle Roidal*. The Battle Royal was an invitational for all wrestlers and former wrestlers to lace up their boots and fight for XFL's second most coveted prize...the award won for the last Scott Steiner impersonator left in the ring! It was an Over-The-Top Match that saw a slew of competitors all with the first name of Scott.

• Scott Hall
  
• Scott Armstrong
  
• Scotty "Hot Body" Summers
  
• Scott Norton
  
• Scotty Flamingo
  
• Scott Putski
  
• Scotty Riggs
  
• Scott Phoenix
  
• Scott Reed
  
• Jesus There Are A Lot Of Scotts Running Around
  

When it was all said and done, "The Wyrm" Scotty 2 Hotty eliminated Scottie HaaSteiner** to be the first recipient of the golden statue of The POTUS.

*joke made by one of our editors here, Grammy Award winner Amy Weber. Hopefully our adoring President sees this and fires her on the spot. She's kind of a bitch.

**Charlie Haas impersonating Scott Steiner. Though his gimmick fell flat last night with everyone in the ring dressed as The Big Bad Booty Daddy.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Development
Exclusive

Six days ago XFL witnessed a rebirth. A reunion of sorts by none other than "The Game" Triple H and his best friend, Shawn "Almost Bankrupted The Business" Michaels. Degeneration X is back in business for a recorded eleventh time *.

In a bold move to make Hunter listen to reason, former white privilege heiress Stephanie McMahon brought in his best friend to make him "remember that he's old". Triple H was in the middle of a match with a man dressed as The Easter Bunny when The Almost Ironic Show Stopper walked down the runway. He paused as he saw his life-long friend deliver a sanctioned sledgehammer to the rabbit's cranium. "I knew right then I couldn't do it," Shawn told us while consuming a Smirnoff Ice. "That looked like too much fun and I don't care what people think about us. We were edgy before your generation. We'll be edgy after your generation. Suck our elongated testicles."

He then did a crotch chop at us. He was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was diagnosed with pelvic complications.

"The Homeboy Kid and I selfing like a mug in the Deezy." -A 46 Year Old Man​

Triple H is more than ecstatic about the recent developments, asking us how badly do we want to see him spraypaint The White House. Stephanie McMahon was and continues to be beside herself, telling us "Whatever" and "It's just a phase"**.

*the twelfth time does not count. Fans may remember it as the only time a wrestler tag-teamed with a stuffed animal. The X-Cock rooster plushie cost Triple H the match and as a result, has been banned from attending live shows ever again.

**"It's not just a phase, Stephanie. It's who I am!" -The Midlife Crisis yelled from his bedroom.