What makes for a good relationship?

[LSN80]

All of us are in relationships. Don't believe me? Take a look at the people you work with, go to school with, hang out with, and of course, come home to. Each of these dynamics, one way or another, make for a relationship of some kind. Even for those who have never dated in their life, they've been in plenty of relationships, whether they've truly realized it or not. Relationships, and the success of them, are what truly make us grow and develop as people, and prepare us for future relationship. What I want to do in this thread is to look at the most serious relationship each of us have been in, and what has truly made them a success. Personally, Ill use my wife as an example.

Trust has been the most important part of our relationship. For me, there's nothing more important. Since the day we started dating over 5 years ago and married 4 years ago, she's never given me a reason to doubt her, let alone broken my trust. Not that it would be an excuse otherwise, but the way she's stood by me and proven herself trustworthy has made it quite easy for me to never break her trust. Trust has been the foundation of our relationship from the very beginning, so when she tells me something, I believe it. Not intending to be rude, I got a good laugh when several people suggested I get a paternity test "just in case" when we found out she was pregnant six months ago. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the child is mine. My wife hasn't broken my trust in the simplest things, why would she here?

Respect is another important piece of the relationship between her and myself. I respect her viewpoints, beliefs, and who she is as a person. Does that mean we get along at all times? No, we fight like any normal couple. But the respect I have for her allows me to treat her kindly even when we argue, rather then call her names, yell at, or belittle her. Sometimes it's such a slippery slope when you clash with someone else to dig at their deepest insecurities and issues to get the upper hand. So much of what has helped keep this relationship healthy has been the respect I have for her, and the respect she shows me.

Finally, I like at attraction as a key factor in the success of our relationship. I always have and still do find it difficult to believe it when people say physical attraction isn't important. I first notived my wife 5+ years because she was physically attractive, not because of her sparkling personality or her incredible ability to communicate. Attractiveness isn't the end-all be-all of a relationship, but I wouldn't have pursued her in the first place if I didn't find her attractive. That continued attractiveness, along with her desire to stay in fantastic shape to please me, are also paramount to the success of our relationship.

So I turn the questions over to you:

What elements are the most important to the success of your strongest relationship?

Why do they work for you?

Any other thoughts or discussion on this topic are welcome.

 

[Dagger Dias]

The cornerstones of a successful relationship, whether that be friendship, coworkers, family members, or a love interest; are always going to similar. Honesty, trust, loyalty, and shared interests make up the foundation to a successful relationship no matter what type of relationship it is.

HONESTY
This is a tough one for some. You need to be honest with someone if you are going to get to know them on a closer level. If you want to learn more about them then you have to be willing to show your true self to them. If they are worth your time they will like you even more for it.

LOYALTY
This is also tough for people it seems. A relationship is a team. You should be with someone that you are not afraid to make a committment to be with exclusively. That means no cheating on them as well, which brings me to my next point.

TRUST
This is the big one for me. I am not wasting my time on anybody who I cannot trust. The closer I get to know someone the more I will trust them. If they do anything to betray my trust then the bond between us could permanently be broken. When you care about someone you should have the desire to not only earn but keep their trust.

COMMON INTERESTS
This at first might seem more fitting for friends, families, and other peers rather than for a romantic relationship but it is important there too. A significant other is meant to be your closest friend, who you can enjoy pursuing things you both want or enjoy together. For example I wanted to meet a woman who I can enjoy playing video games with or watching Raw with. Too many people neglect the cornerstone of commom interests. This ends up being one of the things that bring you much closer together with someone.


So there you have it. Once the initial reaction of you being in a relationship has worn off (or you run out of small talk if you are trying to make a new friend) then the four cornerstones I listed can lay the foundation for a successful relationship because further down the road those are the things that will hold the bond firmly in place, even through fights and various crises.

 

[The Crock]

In any relationship, trust is the main ingredient for success. It's not always a matter of trust between the people in the relationship, I feel that it has more to do with peoples' ability to trust. In our stages of development (referring to Erikson's stages of psychosocial development), trust is the earliest one to develop. The parents have to fill out that infants needs, to feed it, to make it feel secure. If that is not accomplished, then that infant will see the world as an insecure place for the rest of his/her life, thus leading to relationship problems.

Trust is really at the root of it all. If you begin life and normally develop, you shouldn't have trust issues, but that's not to say you won't encounter people who have them... and in encountering those people your ability to trust will also be tested. People who see the world as a fearful place will have a harder time trusting you, so why would you trust them back? To use a bit of a cliche here, trust is a two way street. Both (or however many) entities in the relationship have to commit to it, if they don't, then the relationship immediately has flaws, stemming from that flawed "blue print" for success.

On top of all that, you have to look to that other person, who you should be trusting, not to break or infringe upon that. It boils down to fidelity then. You never want your trust broken -- and if it is broken, then it will be EXTREMELY hard to repair that. Trust is a fragile thing, as evidenced by its development in the earliest stages of your life, it is not meant to be broken. You have to nurture it, otherwise, your relationships will always have lingering issues or possibly major problems.

Other things sprout out of trust/fidelity, like honesty and the will to see the relationship succeed. You can't lie to whomever you're building a relationship with, whether it be your spouse or just a buddy. They have to know what they're getting into, so as to not be stunned by some kind of a development later. Plus, deception REALLY stings. I hate being lied to, as does everybody else in this world. You feel as if you were being taken advantage of and as a result you just want to distance yourself from the whole situation. That in and of itself is not a solid ground to build a relationship from.

Now, onto the will for the relationship to succeed. You can't have one person be interested and the other completely neglecting it. That will never work. Both parties have to equally work for it. It's very rare that two people can just "hit it off" and have great chemistry straight off, you have to delve deeper and really find out what the other person is all about.

Another one I thought of is respect. You have to respect the other person's abilities, beliefs, everything. You never want to make a mockery of anybody, you want to keep an open mind. For your own sake, that is the best way about it. You'd be amazed at how much you can learn by just opening your eyes to how the world (and other people) really functions. The simple saying, "Treat others as you wish to be treated." really applies here.

That's my theory on it all.

 

[Paralyzer Z]

What elements are the most important to the success of your strongest relationship?
Well besides my family ,and considering I have never dated anyone, I would have to say that my strongest relationship is with my best friend. The most important element? I would say that I am a good listener, I let him talk about anything he wants and pitch in my opinions later (the topic is usually bizarre). Another key to having a good relationship is common interest. We both love to do and discuss strange things such as whether our after school counselor was a rapist (don't ask) or about this song about communism he thought of and sings a lot. The fact that I am there and listen to him keeps two people who otherwise would be near loners in a healthy friendship.


Why do they work for you?
They work for me because he would have no one else that would hear him out with out an inevitable harsh judgement on his character or personality. I am often ridiculed by my family (lightly) for having what they consider "unusual or bizarre" interest rather than having the hobbies of a generic adolescent teenager. So our interest keeps us going and blabbering about uncommon things.

Good thread by the way.

 

[iwinulose]

not gonna go on a big thing here cause it would take awhile. but a huge part of any healthy strong relationship is to keep it interesting. try to do things together so you dont get bored with your relationship. i know myself personally, if im in a relationship and it seems we are stuck in a rut, ill start to lose interest. when it comes to keeping things interesting never rule out anything. whether it be going for a long walk, going to the beach, going out for dinner, spending a special occasions together (especially if its her birthday, girls seem to love that), going skating, bike riding, ect.

 

[Mustang Sally]

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Trust, loyalty, honesty and common interests are all vital.....but each one of those can be undermined by a lack of communication.

When you see someone almost every day, you have to talk. It isn't that every conversation has to be a confessional, but your partner has to know what you really think and how you really feel.....about special things, everyday things, and things that are simply on your mind. If there are things you feel you need to hold back, you're probably heading for shoal waters, anyway.

In talking, I'm not just referring to things that directly involve your partner. It's the things that don't directly involve him/her that get you in trouble. If you start convincing yourself that: "Well, this particular issue is none of his/her business"..... you've got the makings of a major rift in the relationship. Maybe later, rather than sooner......but it will come.

Of course, this topic also encompasses relationships that qualify more as "friends" than "lovers." With friends, it isn't necessary to reveal everything, but in love relationships, it's the things you choose to leave out that will come back to bite you in the ass......count on it.

If you truly communicate, the other things can be dealt with as they arise.

 

[#hamler]

First thing first, the one element that makes my relationship stronger is to never go to bed angry. This isn't the bible verse either. I have an older friend of mine who gave me some advice a couple years ago and she mentioned this to me; Never allow yourself or your significant other to go to bed angry. You wouldn't believe how great that works especially if you're in a relationship where you fight often. I always make sure whtever issues I have, I get them resolved before I call it a night and you wouldn't believe how much better that has made my relationship stronger.

Next is having the ability to stay with your signifcant other through the good times as well as the bad. Loyalty. This is huge. You cannot have a relationship without loyalty. I can't stand it when I was in school and couples would break up over the most idiotic, stupid reasons. Loyalty means you have to stick with your partner through thick and thin. If my relationship has prolems, I sit down and try to fix them. There is never a time where I doubt we belong together. Loyalty can lead to trust...

Trust. Like I said, Loyalty leads to trust. If you are loyal enough to your significant other, then you can trust them. You can trust when she's hanging out with her friends or trust that she's where she is suppose to be. This is a big issue among a lot of relationships. Trust is very fragile. Sometimes you have to pay for past relationships. Sometimes someone has been lied to so much that trust takes a long time to earn. Work through it. It may take a while but Trust is a must in any good relationship.

Pay attention to the smaller things. Your significant other just got their hair done or is wearing a new shirt, the worst thing you can do is ignore it. I've always found it helpful to compliment her daily. It might sound a bit cheesey but it works. Pay attention to and express deep appreciation for positive things your partner says or does--no matter how small. The word beautiful never hurt anybody.

COMMON INTERESTS
This at first might seem more fitting for friends, families, and other peers rather than for a romantic relationship but it is important there too. A significant other is meant to be your closest friend, who you can enjoy pursuing things you both want or enjoy together. For example I wanted to meet a woman who I can enjoy playing video games with or watching Raw with. Too many people neglect the cornerstone of commom interests. This ends up being one of the things that bring you much closer together with someone.

I agree with this, however, stemming from that would be the ability to change. There is no way anyone can find a significant other that likes everything you do. I think more important than common interest is being able to change to meet those interests. I know for me, I've never found Twilight to be my cup of tea. But the 2 and a half years I've been with my current girlfriend I'll admit, it's grown on me. Small changes like that make a relationship stronger.