When people break up and are in Love it invariably hurts those people, and some people have a desire to hurt people that have hurt them, thus they direct anger onto the person they loved.
This is pretty much the truth. I don't exactly think anyone wants to hurt the ones they loved, in any type of form or fashion, be it mental or physical.. but it happens because of the pain & scar left behind from the time that won't be replacable.
When my ex fiance' & I split up, it created a huge void in my life that I hated because I never thought it'd be repairable. Its somewhat immature & naive to think that your life could be so empty just because of any one person, or that your life could be so "worthless" & "meaningless" because of anyone but your own actions.. but thats the power love has on people.
I dispised my ex, I wanted so much to simply hate her.. but I couldn't. I remember pleading with her to reconsider, to think it out, that it was a mistake. It hurt because she said to me.. "I have a lot of personal problems in my life, & I don't want to hurt you with them, so I've made the decision that I think it'd be best, if we just split up. I'm not ready for a serious commitment & relationship like what you want to give me."
It hurt, because I had no say over it. I had no control over saying "Just allow me to be there for you, allow me to help you get through the personal issues you're going through." I mean, I said that.. but it did no good. And exactly one week after our break-up, she went to a Christmas party & "I" had to hear from other friends that she was there, getting drunk & flirting with tons of different guys.. all of which that were kissing her & making out with her. And that only made me more enraged.
To think that someone "I" was going to marry, would randomly show up one day & say "Its over because I have personal issues." Then, a week later could go out & do something like that, as if NONE of the time we'd spent meant anything.. its hurtful & it made me want to take my own life.
If was that moment in life that made me realize that "I" don't need anyone, more than "I" need myself. To think someone who could show so much heartlessness could cause me to almost end my own life because of it.
The funny thing is, we talk to this day & are really good friends now, because we had the ability to sit & talk.. well, as much as talking through the internet is.. & it turns out, when "I" started hanging out with Erin, the girl "I" am now married to.. it hurt her deeply, because she felt "I" simply threw all her & I had away.. & when I mentioned that Christmas party to her.. her reply was.. "I was hurting over losing you, that I simply wanted to forget about my entire life.. & drinking at that time in my life, was the way I felt I could do it."
It took almost 2-3 years for us to reconnect on a friendship level. I'm happy that I can now say she's a friend in my life, because the one promise I always wanted to keep, with the only select few females that I ever believed I loved.. was that we'd always remain friends. And I can say that I am honestly good friends with all of them.
Love also scares the shit out of me, I've only ever been in love once, and that was with the afore mentioned ex-girlfriend (I do still love her actually) and I have never opened up to anyone in my life the way I have been able to open up to her, not even my family. It's scary how that feeling of love can make you bear your soul to the person you are having the feelings for.
Its funny because to me, my life is an open book. I don't mind telling a perfect stranger my entire life story if they want to take the time to hear it. For me, its more of a scared feeling of losing control of your emotions.
I hate when I fall deeply in love with someone, hell, when I even become so infatuated, that I feel as if I have no control over how my heart ends up in the aftermath. I love the feeling, the open-ness of how much love makes you feel on top of everything.. but its the fall that hurts worse. Its the sudden smack back into reality, especially if things simply can't work, or don't work.
Personally I agree that the only true love that will last forever is the love a parent has for their children its the only bond of love that cannot be broken in any way. Romantic love can be broken, it just takes time.
This is another funny story.. because the entire 9 month period of waiting for my daughter to arrive, all I could think about was.. "Am I truly ready for this?" "Am I going to be capable of being the best Father for this child?"
All I could ever remember wanting is the absolute best for my daughter, for my child. And I knew the moment I found out we were going to have a child, that that child was going to be the end-all, be-all to everything wonderful in my life.
Another small story is.. when my Wife & I had a miscarriage, we were trying so hard to have a child.. & we never knew she was even pregnant. We found out on her birthday, or the night right before. And that entire night, in the hospital I just couldn't quit crying. I remember hitting the wall, & then falling to the floor, begging & pleading with any God above to simply replace me with the child inside my Wife.. the child that was never given the chance to live..
A miscarriage is just as horrible as true love gone wrong.. because its something you have absolutely no power over. Its something you simply can't decide the fate of, you can't control it, it just takes its course.
So when I step back & I think of love. I think of the butterflies you get in your stomach. The nervousness you get when talking to that special someone. I think of how much, regardless of how comfortable you are with the person.. you're shaking & so scared to death inside of ever remotely losing that individual from your life.
When I think of love, I think of wanting the absolute best for that person, even if its not you.. & I think of how much it hurts having to deal with that, but how great it is, at least seeing them happy.
And when I think of love, as it regards my daughter. I see it when I look at her. I see it in her innocence, in her playfulness, I see it in her ability to look at me & simply mumble the word "Dada" & cause me to melt, because "I" know she's talking to me. But most of all.. when I think of love, I think of the security of knowing someone depends upon you to be in their life.. especially when I think of my daughter, when she hurts herself.. when she runs to me crying, just wanting to be held. Knowing that I'm there for her. Thats love to me.
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(I'm giving you crap & kidding) I understand where you're coming from, & it is a scary thing to be so open on giving all you have to someone, never knowing for sure if it'll work, or last.
Nothing says acceptance like "Its not me, its you." I've never been able to blame anything on anyone. Even when in selective case situations, where it really was that the other person simply wasn't ready.
