View from the Gallows-Mark watches Impact

[Mark Gallows]

So, I sat down to watch Impact tonight, after hearing it's been "alot better lately" I decided to find out. I didn't set out to rip the product here, I'm just gonna be honest, if you're a TNA fan-boy...you might want to leave now, truth can hurt...
I literally wrote this while watching the show, it might read a little disjointed but if you go segment by segment, it makes sence..if you want something cohesive, skip to the bottom.

So after the opening video package I'm thinking;
-If the best thing "creative" can come up with for AJ Styles is an affair/pregnancy angle, you need to fire your "creative team"

-How does an affair angle get AJ over as a face in ANY fucking WAY?! We know he's married, we know he has kids...this shit is dumb, it's bad taste and it's dumb...I thought Russo had left?

-Why do Daniels and Kaz both have shaved heads? They look like twinks.

-How the fuck does exposing a guy for cheating on his wife get them over as heels? Damn, I sure hate these honest, upstanding guys who exposed a rat and threw a nice baby shower for the chick he's having an affair with. Uhhh fail.

-"Clair" needs acting lessons like Dixie Carter needs a clue.

-Why are they doing nWo again?! Why would the faces and heels ignore their feuds and team up? "Aces and 8's" haven't done shit. Has Brooke Hogan had more surgery? Either way I'd sure love a go on 'dem titties.

-What the fuck is wrestling's current obsession with twitter?! Why are you trying to get a fucking social networking medium over at the expense of YOUR OWN PRODUCT?! It doesn't make you money, it doesn't get guys over...what the fuck are you thinking TNA?

-"Bully" Ray (gay name btw) is "tweeting" on his way to ring....he just cut a promo about his phone...he just called it a "twitter machine"...I want bully ray to die. Not in a "heel heat" kind of way, just to put the fat fuck out of his misery.

-They mention twitter like that again, I'm turning off

-Here comes Storm...why is he dressed like a douchebag from the bar? Why won't TNA present their guys as stars? Oh, he's quoting his own theme song now...cool...why didn't he jump Ray? What a shit promo.

-Why do all these "Aces and 8's" guys cuts say "prospect"? So the guy talking isn't actually a member? Dumb. That voice disguiser sounds gay as hell...this faction has done nothing to make me care about them.

-I've watched 10 minutes of this show, we've had 1 commercial break and we've not seen any wrestling yet...keep being "WWE Lite" guys, it's sure worked so far...

-Finally, a match!

-Why do they shoot the show like this? The whole arena looks about the same size as my back garden, the set looks shit...why not move the barrier back so the ring looks bigger and your front rows don't look empty?

-Oh fuck, MORE TWITTER! Facebook too! I'm seriously considering bailing on this show and going on facebook...atleast jackin' it to some chick's holiday snaps would give me some pleasure...something this show has not. "Follow Dixie on twitter"...why?! So I can see the inane ramblings of a woman so out of her depth in buisness as some kind of shaud and freude? Fuck this.

-Taz and Tenay are an awful commentary team. Taz still sounds like he's doing WWE...why not have Taz heel (ala ECW) and Tenay face? Oh no, wait, that would create an interesting dynamic...my bad, nevermind.

-RVD just carried Magnus to a match.

-Oh fuck, don't show the "babyshower" segment again!! Who in the office is this Clair chick fucking? Does she have photos of brother love fucking a goat? This shit is worse than Jerry Springer.

-Bobby Roode needs a manager...who is this disembodied voice and why can't he hold a camera still? Not the worst promo I've ever heard...the contract signing segment has been done to death in pro wrestling, let it go!

-Damn, Christy Hemme looks fucking great...best part of the show so far.

-So TNA broke up "Team 3D" to put Devon in another team, with a lesser partner...riiiiight...Garrett still can't work...this match is weird, Devon and Garett have more heel offense than the heels, seriously weak "hot tag"...why did this need a "booked" finish? If your tag champs can't beat that team clean, your tag champs fucking suck.

-Ah, so Daniels new gimmick is "Screamin' Norman Smiley" from WCW2000.

-Steve Borden, man...what the fuck are you doing with your life? Look at the make-up, look at it! You're doing promo's with Brooke Hogan...think about your legacy man, you have to go to WWE now, Sting cannot go out like this!

-Who the fuck is the weird vouyer filming this segment...why's this segment shot like something off vince russo's hard-drive, and I mean the dirty stuff

-Why is Sting dressed like a no-body? Why is this shot like Mtv Cribs? That ADHD quick cut shit was annoying in 2001...speaking of which, feels like I'm watching WCW from 2001...

-Hardcore Justice promo...it looks like the cap store threw up on the roster...Angle and Joe give good soundbyte...why isn't Joe the face of the company? At the very least one of the TOP guys? Can you say "mismanagement"

-Sounds like Robbie E's doing a Hogan promo Brother! emm, I mean Bro! This was actually a good segment, Jeff looked bad-ass, Robbie played a great heel, entertaining. Best segment thus far.

-Why are these 4 way gimmick matches happening at Hardcore Justice? Here's the thing TNA, if you do gimmicks for no reason, you make the gimmick meaningless, once you make a gimmick meaningless you remove the gimmick's drawing power, so again, why the fuck are you doing gimmick matches? Also, unless there's a belt involved, doing a ladder match is dumb as fuck.

-Joe's still the man, I dunno why he's dressed like a lesbian, I don't know why he's doing promo's at commentary like the nWo in '97, I don't know why they hit AJ's music before he'd finished. Damn, Mike Tenay looks ill.

-Why are two guys the calibre of Aj and Kurt having a throw-a-way match? Do you understand what I mean about presenting guys like stars? These two guys in a match should be an EVENT not just filler on your TV...why do TNA love to make guys who can/will/have drawn money look like shmucks?

-That 16x16 ring looks TERRIBLE, fucking Toys-R-Us wrestling play-set.

-God the front row look bored...I am too, I've spent most of this match watching the 3 hotties in the front row. Wrestling 101, you can't kick out of a guys finisher, then 2 minutes later have that finisher be the finish, that's ******ed. Kurt looks in bad shape, like on a shoot, Kurt looks in bad shape, this bums me out.

-How does having AJ be horrible to pregnant woman (crazy or not) get him over as a face?

-Why can't they just let A Double cut a promo instead of trying to get their fuck awful angles over.

-More "Aces and 8's" BS...I hope Kurt Sutter turns up on Impact next week with a baseball bat and fucking cleans house.

-Miss Tessmacher...dat ass! Shame she wrestles like a female John Cena...nah, that's harsh, she's better than Cena.

-Tenay and Taz should call natural disasters. These two could make Hiroshima seem like a queef in a ****ehouse.

-I feel bad for Madison Rayne.

-Joseph Parks...actually did a nice job of putting his character and the (terrible) WHT angle over, kudos.

-Kenny King should be pushed to the moon, likeable babyface with bags of talent...I hope for big things.

-It's a sad day for wrestling when a mark in the crowd looks more like Sting than Steve Borden does...a sad, sad day.

-Oh cool, now they're doing Judge Judy...sorry, Judge Borden.

-Fuck me, book? I don't think Brother Love has ever read one. First off, this "pulling out of the fight" angle only works if the guy threatening to "pull out" is the champ. Why does it matter if Roode won't fight? Get another fucking challenger! He has no leverage, this shit is ******ed. Also, why is Roode being booked as the face?! Management trying to get one over on him...riiiight, so HE's the underdog...your "top heel" is the underdog...what the fuck TNA? Just, what the fuck? This is wrestling 101 kids, fucking BASIC stuff.

-Holy shit, this was the GO HOME show before the PPV. Did it make me want to order the PPV? To be honest, it made me never want to watch wrestling again. None of the matches were built on this show, there are NO angles going into the show...I honestly could not care less, spend 40 bucks on that shit? Fogged'about it.

-Why wasn't the X division champion on the show?

-Why are they pushing Bubba Dudley? Why when he's called "BULLY ray" were his finishes called the "Bubba Bomb" and "Bubba Cutter"? I despair.

-Something that's bugged me this whole show, what is this "Bound for Glory series" shit? I don't mean "what is the concept" I mean, why does it matter? What a fucking dumb concept, who's brain fart was it to add fantasy football to wrestling? Why does it matter atall when there's still a number 1 contender? Surely no one should challenge for the belt till the end of the series? Fuck knows man, fuck knows.

So, in conclusion;
Were I too give this show a rating, using the "out of 10" system, I'd give it, FUCK ALL. Hand to god I would've rather spent the two hours watching WCW in 2000, atleast they had Benoit/Goldberg/DDP/Flair/Funk/Hogan/Malenko/Guerrero et al. This show flat out sucked, it really did.

It still looks so, so small time. I get the Impact zone isn't a big arena but you could atleast shoot it in a way to hide the fact it's half empty, not show the massive fan-less gaps between the ramp and the 4th row etc. What happend to normal backstage interview segments? Who the fuck thought the "camera stalker" was a better format than "interviewer with microphone"?!

Everything about the look of this show, from the set, to the arena, to the ring, to the lighting, to the videos looked BAD. I mean, this looked like some kind of fucked up, home made, bargain basement...no, y'know what it looked like, like that episode of Batman TAS where the crazy ex-child star chick kidnapped the cast of the show and tried to recreate it in a dingy basement. That's Impact.

There are hardly any angles, certainly no good ones. Tonight went from the bad (nWo silver...sorry, Aces and 8's) to the goofy (babyface super heel Roode)to the downright abysmall (AJ's bastard child).

There was nothing to make me want to order the PPV, which is the point of a wrestling show. There was nothing resembling a cliffhanger to make me want to tune in next week. All the promo's were wishy-washy, timid, boring tripe. I don't blame the boys though, they have to spend so much time getting shitty, convoluted angles over they don't have time to get themselves over. In short this was a show with bad characters and bad concepts being poorly executed with nothing even resembling a compelling, interesting narrative.

Honestly, I've ripped WWE so hard on here so often but after watch this I'm youtubing NXT from full sail..NXT for fucks sake! The really frustrating thing about TNA is, if they had a booker with a brain, this shit coud draw. With these roster they have right now, they could fucking draw. But as it stands, they couldn't draw flies in ethiopia if they were covered in a potent mix of honey and raw human shit.

I feel like I need to go get drunk or shower or something, I need a cleansing experience....

 

[Unsold Bacon]

I'm sure that voice disguiser likes voice disguisers of the same gender. :/

 

[Mark Gallows]

I'm sure that voice disguiser likes voice disguisers of the same gender. :/

I'm sure you're familiar with the term "figure of speech"...

 

[Mark Gallows]

Man, I normally don't get involed in E'drama but since I ain't gotta work tomorrow and I've been drinking all night I thought I'd spit on this a little bit...since this thread's had 260 views and only 1 comment it's fair to assume you guys have been reading it but were either so apathetic to it or so offended by it you chose not to respond so I'll lay it out, honest and open..not as Mark Gallows the "WZ troll" (btw, how good am I as a heel? hur hur hur, argue if you want, but I've been banned that may times, you fucks hate me) on a "shoot", talking honest to all of you...so here goes...

I'm a wrestling fan, to my core, I love PRO-WRESTLING. To be honest, if I didn't have other things going on/aspirations I'd have already trained and I woud be "in the buisness". As it stands, I was torn between two passions and my love of music won out...that don't matter, anyway...I'll be honest, here in the UK, right around the time of the "invasion" angle, the cable got cut off, which sucked. But, growing up I was a WCW fan (imo, even though there were "sports entertainment" elemements, it was presented as legit/"a shoot") When Russo came to WCW, I switched to WWF, because the angles were better and they had bigger (so I thought) stars. Not gonna go into Russo's utter failing's here, but fair to say, I was a WCW/Pro-wrestling guy. After the cable got cut off, this was in the 56k modem days kids (if you don't remember that, your opinion on wrestling is invalid, sorry but it is, fact.) I couldn't follow it on "youtube" (didn't exist in them days) I was without wrestling. I watched the "Invasion" PPV and that was enough...I left "pro-wrestling" behind forever.

Fast forward to 2006, this is a decade where all but the MOST hard-core fans were still following the product. I still caught the odd Raw in a hotel room when we were on holiday but I got laughed at for watching "that crap" and, at the time, I couldn't argue my case...it was CRAP. But, for some reason I decided to use this "youtube" thing to check out some wrestling...I knew "WWE" sucked but I remembered hearing JR talking about some promotion Jeff Jarret was running out of memphis...what was this? An alternative to "sports entertainment"? So I tracked it down, and it was called TNA, and the first youtube vid I saw was Sting (who I've marked for since '96) cutting an in-ring promo, HOLY SHIT! I thought, Sting's here! This MUST BE the place it's happening! So I watched. And I watched, and I branch'd out...I remember'd watching ECW at my cousin's house in 2000 and thought "what a pile of shit". But through youtube I went back, I watched ECW '96, '97, '98...I watched TNA '06, '07 and BOOM, like a bullet to the brain my love of wrestling was reinvigorated! I was back! Super charged and so, so into wrestling again. So I watched. And I watched....then Russo came back...

I remember I even popped when TNA got their UK deal, but I'd been watching TNA under Mike Tenay and Scott D'amore and what I got was TNA under Russo and blam...like getting punched in the mouth (I know most of you have never been in a fight in your life, but trust me, that shit hurts...not alot, but enough) and I saw this garbage like a "lockbox challenge", I saw AJ Styles heel, I saw Jeff Jarrett throw Samoa Joe off a stage...what the FUCK was going on?!

I watched Hogan come into TNA (I always hated Hogan...in a "heel heat" way when he was "Hollywood" and just in a straight "HATE" way when he was red and yellow, I now appretiate how good he was, but back then, I would've set Hulk on fire) and I watched a company die on the vine, through nothing but stupid booking decisions. It was dying. I knew these guys could get over and draw, (Joe, Aj, Chris Harris, Daniels, Robert Roode, ..fuck, I marked for most of Team Canada. Abyss I hated because he was feuding with "my guy" Sting", but still, AMW, LAX..Petey Williams...the list goes on.) but they were getting buried...and don't blame Hulk and Eric, it's wasn't their fault then. Russo was the guy in charge, on RECORD, guys have said, Kevin Sullivan included, Hulk never used his "creative control" to fuck guys. Yes, he did use it when it was wrong for buisness (i.e Russo's "bright idea" to take Kidman from the mid-card to the main-event despite it not working, story line wise, and it not making sense size wise, in terms of REALITY) but Hulk still PUT HIM OVER.

So now we have TNA today, and please don't get me wrong, TNA, like WCW was "my company", in '06 and '07 I would've followed them "over the hill" and down into the gutter but it's now 2012 and after 5 years of Russo booking I just can't follow them any more. In 2011 it was in the GUTTER. I hoped and prayed Hulk and Eric would sort it out but no, we got more cluster fuck, rehashed garbage. Now we have Brother Love booking, and he has NO intention of trying to step out of WWE's shadow and do something different, it's the same old shit on a different day. So, why the fuck are we watching? I hate, and I mean HATE, WWE's product but do you want to watch a company do bullshit on a 20million dollar budget or do want to watch a company do bullshit on 20 thousand dollars budget? Exactly.

I've outlined my problems with TNA's product above...and honestly, please read and enjoy that because it hurts me as a viewer and as a wrestling fan and as a TNA fan to write it.

Honestly, I love the enthusiasm and fire of the "current" TNA fans because, god bless you guys, you're sticking with a product that does nothing but piss in your mouth...and you take it, god bless you for holding on. But here's the FACTS; this shit is dead. It's dead, it's buried and it has no chance of coming back. I hate to write that because I want..no, fuck that I NEED an alternative to "sports entertainment"...I hate the WWE product right now. But I switch to TNA and I see bad, rehashed "attitude era" story lines. And I know Vince has planted in your brain "the attitude era was beyond reproach", but it wasn't. It was fucking TRASH. It was car crash TV and it drew an audience because it was "car crash TV". It drew the hill-billy bum-fuck "jerry springer" audience because it was nothing more than that. It was trailer park, crash-bang-wallop-what a video stunt show, abortion angle bullshit.

Tell me I'm wrong if you want, but I fucking watched the "attitude era"...I watched 'taker try and kill austin in a funeral home. I watched Al Snow and Boss Man have a fucking "dog pound" match with rottweilers around ringside, I watched Terri Runnels bump from the steps and say she had a "miss-carrige". Y'know what, fuck you! Fuck you little bitches who started watching in '07 and bought VKM's dick in your brain, "oh the attitude era was sooo goood", no it fucking wasn't! It was bullshit! It was embaressing! You weren't fucking there, you don't know. Torrent the shows and watch them in series, you'll be sick in your mouth, they were FUCKING AWFUL. WWF got really good in the year 2000..why? Because it was about 2 men, THE GAME Triple H and "the PEOPLE'S CHAMPION" The Rock. Look it up! The guy who booked WWF 2000 (factually, by the numbers, on record) Spring 2000 was WWF's hottest year (in terms of money drawn, ratings, PPV buys) and why? Because there was a HOT ANGLE between the biggest babyface in the world THE ROCK vs the biggest heel in the world TRIPLE H.

Fuck me folks, wake up! Pro-wrestling booking is simple!! It's GOOD GUY (babyface/protagonist) vs BAD GUY (Antagonist/Heel). Y'know why I rip on TNA so hard? Because they had the chance to be different. Imagine a show were AJ/Angle is an EVENT because they're two of the best in the world and shit's gonna be a FIGHT. Imagine a world where Joe was booked like it was REAL, LEGITIMATE bad-ass who could tap anyone out..I mean, fuck me, imagine a world where Joe's talent is recognized and he's the top guy in the promotion!

Why do I bitch and moan about pro-wrestling? It's not to "get a reaction" it's because I remember it being so much fucking better than this andI honestly, honestly believe, if TNA could go "ok, Vince is doing "sports entertainment" we're doing "entertaining sport" and presented themselves as "real" and as the true home of "proffesional wrestling" I'd watch TNA of WWE any day of the week. But as it stands I hate "sports entertainment" and both WWE and TNA are giving me "sports entertainment"...so who do I go with? Well, neither because shit fucking sucks. I was loyal to TNA, I was invested in TNA, I would've followed TNA into the machine gun and cannon fire but now...fucking forget about it, that shit is embaressing.

I felt real sore after watching Impact. I wanted to write a rant about how I was "done" with wrestling and TNA had "fucked me over" too many times but, honestly, neither company gives me a reason to tune in every week so, why the FUCK am I giving mental real estate to companies that regularly piss in my mouth? Ask yourself that question.

 

[Mark Gallows]

Fuck, Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan got in the way of finishing my point coherantly, here's what I'm saying:

What if TNA booked their shit like it was "real". What if, they went the opposite direction to WWE and weren't trying to be "sports entertainment" with a smaller budget...what if, they were being "entertaining sport".

What if TNA put Kurt Angle over as "the wrestling machine"...what if they had him do the job to AJ and Joe on two seperate PPV's....what if the outcome to these PPV's mattered...and I don't mean "Oh UFC, every win/loss counts", I mean, what if they were consitant with their own shit and made AJ and Joe the faces of the company.

What if at No Surrender they made AJ/Joe the main-event. What if it MATTER'd. What if they presented Joe/AJ as as big a match as Hogan/Savage, Goldberg/Nash etc. What if these two guys, who could carry a company (you keep AJ away from promo's but put him over as the blue collar, trying to provide for his family baby face) what if you make Joe the big, bad, samoan submission machine heel, without run-in's/sillyness. You see it as the bad-ass "phenomenal one" vs the bad-ass "technical wrestling, sumbmission specialist" bad-guy and let the clash of styles tell an interesting stroy in the ring and lead to a "winner/loser" outcome at the end of the match.

What if your undercard was Robert Roode (with a manager, to put him over as a "natural born killer") vs the "tennesse cowboy" James Storm. On Your TV you put Storm over as a beer drinking, hell raising, never backed down from a fight in his life, killer babyface...fuck if "stone cold" did it, Sandman did it before him and that shit draws. Let these two go 25-30 minutes and tear the house down.

What if you did Austin Aries (he should be heel, I'd have Tessmacher as his valet) put on a 25 minute clinic against Kenny King...what if you let King do his thing, as a likeable face and let Aries be Stone heel and put a belt, probably the TV TItle on the line, with Aries going over and put King as the firey baby-face on subsequent Impacts.

Already No Surrender has a compelling main-event card, 3 matches you'd order because they're guarentee'd to be great...is this hard? Maybe I'm just so "out of touch", maybe I want my pro-wrestling show to not insult my intelligence but also to make me pysched to see next weeks show.

What the fuck? Kevin Sullivan put it best, "if Vince is selling Cadillacs, we sell Harley Davidsons". Vince's product sucks so hard it should be a lay-up for TNA to beat him. To make a relevant example, David Haye (british heavyweight boxing sensation) vs Audley Harrison drew money, David Haye vs Vladamir Klitchko drew money, David Hay vs Chisora drew money...why? Well, it's fucking stone-cold simple. These guys (Haye and Harrison/Klitchko/Chisora) seemed bad-ass. They were the babyfaces, obviously, but they weren't timid, they weren't backing down, they were talking the talk like they were bringing the fight to Haye. Haye is the best heel in the boxing buisness, he was dogging these guys, he was talking trash...

Correct me if I'm wrong but, that's pro-wrestling! Good guy vs bad guy. Both guys seem bad-ass, you know both guys can go, both sell it as a compelling fight...Haye/Harrison sucked as a fight...I don't even dig boxing but I ordered that PPV because I wanted to see that fight...not because it was a "good card", but because I wanted to see Haye get his ass kicked. And that's pro-wrestling! But it's at the point now where it needs to evolve. Vince is doing boring shit, UFC is kicking our ass in terms of PPV buys so TNA needs to provide and alternative, they need to carter to the WRESTLING fan. Give us two bad-ass dudes, clearly heel and face, threatening to beat'fuck out of each other, give us a match with a clean finish...I mean, is it hard?!

You make pro-wrestling legit enough UFC fans (who, mostly are originally pro-wrestling fans) will watch it. You build the PPV's to the point where TNA fans are happy to pay 40bucks for it and you get your feude's so hot people will buy into it, I mean...how hard is it to draw money?!