The Narrator presents
Ace Stevens
in
"Aces Day at the Zoo"
"How many toddlers could you beat up?"
"Consecutively or simultaneously?"
"Simultaneously, obviously."
"20. Somewhere in that region."
This is the delightful choice of conversation for
Ace Stevens and his long time friend,
Marty, as they approach the entrance of Carnegie Zoo in in the Bronx, New York. Ace had never been to a zoo before and Marty figured that a day with the animals would take his mind off things before the all-important fatal four-way match at WZCW Unscripted.
"Zoos are great, man. Youre gonna love it. But to make it extra special, youre gonna want to take this."
Marty hands Ace a mushroom.
"Magic mushrooms? Are we in the 70s?"
"Theyre sweet as, man. Pillbois older brother is selling them cheap on the corner of Bleaker."
"I dont know. Im supposed to be a professional athlete and stuff now."
"Um, listen up, dudhead. Theyre vegetables. Its not like Im handing you a magic Double Down."
Ace takes a notebook out of his back pocket and quickly scrawls "magic Double Down" under the sub-heading "Inventions".
"What was that?"
"Uh, nothing. Okay, gimme half of one. I dont want to end up losing my shit in the bat forest."
---
13:08. Ace is losing his shit in the bat forest. The bats are swirling around the trees at an extremely fast pace, squeaking and flapping as they do.
"OH MY GOOOOOD! WHY DO THESE MICE HAVE LEATHER WINGS?"
"Theyre bats."
"Look at that one."
Ace points to the only bat that is still. As its counterparts whizz around the woods, this one remains stationary, staring at Ace.
"Yo, mister zookeeper man. What's going on with that one?"
"Oh, we call him Lenny. He's a bit of a loner. Just sits there, looking creepy."
"I'll say."
Ace waves frantically in an attempt to get Lenny's attention.
"Hey! You want some Faygo, buddy?" asks Ace, waggling his Detroit-based drink of choice at the mammal.
"Sir, I wouldnt do that if I was you. Faygo is his, uh, weakness."
"What? Really? Dumbass Jugga-HEY!"
Before Ace can finish his thought, Lenny snatches the bottle from Aces hand in one fell swoop.
"Oh no you dont!"
As the bat escapes, Ace gives chase. He pushes fellow zoo patrons out of the way and hops over the small fence that separates the footpath from the bats habitat.
"LENNY YOU BASTARD! THAT WAS MINE!"
Our somewhat disorientated protagonist begins to shake Lennys tree. A bounty of leaves float to the ground. But alas, no Faygo. The commotion, however, startles the hundreds of bats who swarm Ace. The Brooklyn-native tries to fight them off but it is no use. Ace screams, but they only come out as muffled yells as he falls to floor. Marty can only look on helplessly. Sipping his Faygo.
---
We join Ace and Marty roughly thirty minutes after being ejected from the bat forest. Back in daylight, the duo have since seen black widow spiders ("unnecessary number of legs"), blue tits ("lol") and penguins ("the best thing ever"). They are now standing at the bear enclosure. As a number of kodiak bears mill about, undoubtedly delighted to finally be away from the dangers of the forest, Ace is examining his numerous bat bites.
"Marty, Marty..." Ace whispers.
"I think I might be Batman."
"I don't think so, buddy."
"Well we don't know for sure..."
As Ace trails off, a certain bear catches his attention. It is slouched in the corner, seemingly depleted of energy.
"Marty! Look at that old bear."
"How the hell do you know it's old?"
"Look at them big old balls, buddy! Saggy af."
"That's Terrence" says a nearby zookeeper, overhearing Ace's admittedly loud conversation.
"And you're right, he is old. He likes to take other bears under his wing."
"HE CAN FLY???"
"Oh, no" responds the zookeeper., only just realising the level at which Ace Stevens functions.
"I mean he looks after them. At the moment he's formed a bond with Tommo."
She points at an absolutely huge bear, easily topping ten feet in height.
"Tommo is the biggest bear of any kind in the zoo. He's got a bit of a temper on him. He was actually transferred here from San Diego Zoo after an altercation with a smaller African bear."
"Well he don't look that tough. Look! He's sniffing his own shit!"
"Well yes, while Tommo is big and tough, we do admit that he is particularly, um... deficient. Mentally-speaking."
As the zookeeper begins to detail Tommo's stupidity, two young, spritely bears move over to Terrence, who is resting peacefully in the shade of a palm tree. They begin growling and pushing at the old bear, with their still sizeable paws.
"Okay, this isn't going to be good. Please excuse me."
The zookeeper rushes away, hurriedly talking into her walkie talkie.
"This is gonna be good!"
The two bears continue to pick on the elder statesman of the enclosure until Tommo takes notice. Seeing that his mentor is in trouble, he moves from his pile of faeces to face the attackers. At ten feet tall and 1800 pounds, his obscenely muscular frame intimidates the bullies.
"Roid bear! Roid bear!
Tommo lets out an almighty roar before striking one of the bears with his enormous paw. The bear tumbles down the grassy hill and into a ravine. Immediately, Tommo turns his attention to the second bully. He lifts the bear up into a military press position, before launching him like a lawn dart at a group of concerned Kodiak bears.
"Holy crap! Roid bear on fire!"
As if the universe heard Ace's statement and sought to immediately contradict it, Tommo trips over his own pile of faeces. This sends his huge, heavy frame tumbling down the hill and into the same ravine.
"What a dummy."
---
Ace is staring at a snake. The snake is staring back. It is an impasse, - tense and quiet. The two are separated by a single sheet of glass.
"Dude, people are looking."
"But the,
the snake."
"What do you mean "what"? Just look, dude. Its eyes. I... I can see it all. In those perfect ovals of glassy shiny obsidian, I can see the entire spectrum of the human condition."
"Oh. Okay..." replies Marty, humouring his friend's venture into the realm of the intellectual.
"I see joy, I see misery. I see the anger of a thousand burning suns. And I see the twin expressions of need and determination. They're like little next door neighbours, living in perfect symbiotic harmony. I see wars won and wars lost, and the scars of future conflicts are already beginning to appear."
"She's a beaut, ain't she?"
"It's a snake."
"That ain't just a snake, mate. It's a Baltic Pirate snake. From the dark forests of Estonia. See how she's not flinching? Very disciplined they are."
The zookeeper taps the glass loudly, the snake doesn't move an inch.
"Fearless too" he adds, before walking away.
"Right, you haven't moved from the snake for five minutes. Let's get outta here."
"Shhhhh! It's speaking."
"Of course. Wouldn't be a trip without a talking animal..."
"Dude, I can't hear it."
Ace leans in closer, to hear the spits and hisses of the reptile.
"Shoes size us."
"What, buddy?"
"Choose Titus."
"You got it, dude."