Things not to say in a job interview

[Father:_Polley]

I am someone who knows my own destiny, but I have no definite long term plans
On an application for an accountancy position - I was closely involved in every aspect of my former company, right up to its bankruptcy
Excellent memory skills, good analytical skills, memory skills
I have a criminal record but I am not in jail at the moment
I have a desire to work with commuters
At secondary school I was a prefix
I have a 100% attendance at work, except for the seven days I have taken off sick
Size of employer: about 5’ 10”
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook
Suspected to graduate early next year
Finished eighth in my class of ten
I loathe filling in application forms so much that I'll give you details at the interview
If called to interview I would like to discuss the salary, pensions and sickness benefits
Place of birth? - A London hospital
I do not have any major achievements that I would consider to be of interest to this application.
I believe in helping other people and so I am a blood and organ donor
working on a farm has...improved my communication skills which are especially important when working with large livestock
am currently reading Robbie Williams' thought-provoking autobiography

I'm preparing my CV and this was in the guidelines I got at uni

 

[FromTheSouth]

Before we start, I just want you to know, that I am not easily embarrassed. In fact, I enjoy working without pants.

I'm only working here until the next American Idol auditions.

I am licensed to carry a pistol, even in a day care.

I was only the wheel man.

I sent my resume, but most of it wasn't true.

I have a philosophy degree.

 

[Sparky]

Will you introduce me to your Daughter?...