The idea of marriage: How important is it to you?

[a0161613]

Ok so me and the girlfriend started our mortgage this week. We have always joked that she wants to do things the right way, so have kids after we are married.

We joke because so many of our friends have done it the other way. Kids are almost the reason, an excuse to get married.

But enough of the personal stuff.


The idea of marriage before kids now seems so old-fashioned, particular in the UK, that us doing it this way around would be the exception to the new rule.

So I ask, what do you see as the right way of doing things? Should kids play a factor? Do you see yourself getting married before having kids? Or would you let fate take its course?

 

[Ferbian]

I don't see why kids should be playing a factor. At least kids wouldn't play a factor in my life if it determined whether I would marry a girl or not. I'm leaning mostly to never getting married, but of course my mind can change. I'm still young and I'm at an age where opinions changes often.

However I wouldn't get married just because of the kids and because it would look good on paper when I have children. I wouldn't get married just for the sake of it not seeming like some relationship that are gonna end sooner or later, or some drunken mistake.

I would say marriage should take place if it feels right, now because of some child getting in the way, not because you had intercourse and screwed up, not because you're in a long time relationship and people feel "Isn't it time by now?" No, I want it to be realistic and I want it to be my own choice because I love the girl and I want to spend the rest of my damn life with her.

 

[Tenta]

I mean, it depends on the maturity of the people in question. I'm going to say this before anything else; I'm of a Judge Judy mindset. I may think her shows are relative shit, but I do agree with one stance of hers, that before one has children, they should be sure that they can support those children well enough. So many people fail to take that account when they're deciding on spending a life together. Realistically, one has to be able to support those children before people can even think of getting close to the Childbirth. And, because I personally advocate marriage before children, I guess that would insinuate that one has to have a steady income flow, an education to warrant moving up in said job, and years of knowing whether you can take the hassle of living with another person. To me, children come absolutely last when it comes to building a family; Unfortunately, to some people, it's become first. Now, this may ruffle a few feathers on here; but the people that decided to have children before marriage, and before having a steady job, are absolute artards. I'm sure plenty of people on this site, either by accident or otherwise, have had children before, so let me just say that contraception is now so cheap, and frankly, having a child before you're 100% sure you can support the baby is absolutely moronic. If you're in any doubt, just don't do it. The same goes for marriage; if you're not 100% sure in your ability to support the family, don't do it. Some couples will have a different ratio; 50/50, 75/25, it really doesn't matter. As long as you're not 100% sure you can hold up your end of the bargain, don't fucking do it. If you can, then more power to you, really

 

[Deexter Jorgan]

I got married before we technically had our first child, I use the word technically because of the fact that our first child was concieved when we got engaged.

Now we have been happily married for 4 years and been together for five years.

The fact is whatever the reason marriage before kids is a great idea, because I feel it's a better environment, and studies prove that married parents provide a more healthier lifestyle for a child rather than single parents.

Marriage is also a bond, a trust between two people and offers so many benefits in the long run, but the one thing you'll need to think of first is can you two co habitat, I found cohabitating with the wife was the main strain on our relationship.

 

[The Mark of Zur-En-Arrh]

I don't think it makes a difference personally. My parents have been together for 30 years and they aren't married, and have no intention of ever getting married.

I think you should get married when you know you can tolerate being with your partner for that long. Far too many people rush into marriage after knowing each other for maybe a year or two, having maybe lived together for 6 months.

I wouldn't even consider moving in with my girlfriend until we'd been together for 2 years, and i sure as hell wouldn't consider marriage until after 5. I've seen far too many of my friends talk about getting married and break up within 5 years to ever be convinced to do otherwise.

At the end of the day, i don't see the point in marriage, and i'd make it clear to my gf, 'if you want to marry me, you'll be the one asking. I am NEVER going to ask you to marry me, so if that's what you want us to do, ask me and we'll discuss it.'

And having a child would do nothing to change my standpoint on that.

 

[kissfan85]

I think it should be marriage before kids.
I don't think much of divorce either.
I think a stable home should be of a married couple who have been married a couple years, they know how there life is is how it's going to be...no one's going anywhere

I think it means a lot to a child to know they were conceived from two married adults who love each other and who are dedicated to each other for the rest of there time on earth.
I want my kid to know that I love there father very much and that I conceived them because I want to pass on the best parts of my self and my husband to them and give them all of what I didn't have and all of what My husband never had.
Getting married to who I am with is something that I'll never in a million years ever second guess.
I'd never pick to go back and have party nights or drinking or live it up...I'm glad I didn't go through any of that

 

[Xemmy]

Marriage is something that's for commited people only. Two people that love each other that want the benefits. That's all. The act of getting married is a decision that should never have to be made because of children.

That being said I think it's a tainted institution in America. Things involving Religion and Government usually are.

 

[kissfan85]

Responding to Xemnas about religion


Religion had nothing to do with mine...
We had very none religious vows from a j.o.p at the restaurant I work at.
I think it's corrupt because of how most of us our today...it used to be a good thing

 

[Xemmy]

Religion had nothing to do with mine...
We had very none religious vows from a j.o.p at the restaurant I work at.
I think it's corrupt because of how most of us our today...it used to be a good thing

If you're responding to a post, please quote it.

And off topic from marriage, but religion has never been a good thing. If anything it's improved in the last 100 years.

 

[IrishCanadian25]

Ok so me and the girlfriend started our mortgage this week. We have always joked that she wants to do things the right way, so have kids after we are married.

We joke because so many of our friends have done it the other way. Kids are almost the reason, an excuse to get married.

But enough of the personal stuff.


The idea of marriage before kids now seems so old-fashioned, particular in the UK, that us doing it this way around would be the exception to the new rule.

So I ask, what do you see as the right way of doing things? Should kids play a factor? Do you see yourself getting married before having kids? Or would you let fate take its course?

<IC25 Climbs on his soapbox>

First off, Numbers, congrats on the mortgage thing. My wife and I have been married for 10 months, but we have owned a condo together for more than 4 years. We do not have kids.

Thanks to the fact that we have lived together for 4+ years (and have been dating for nearly 8 years), when people pose to us the obnoxious question "so how's married life," we are able to respond with a deadpan and matter of fact reply of "perfectly normal."

Adjusting to living in a shared space with one another is the true - and the best - test of a couple. I personally feel that the antiquated belief that a couple should not live together until they are married has done more harm to marriage than good. If you wait until after marriage to realize that you can't make life together work, or that you can't figure out how to pay your bills, or that you constantly find yourselves in separate rooms and drifting apart, well...

Marriage is, to me, about living for the person you're designated as your tag team partner for the rest of your life.

Let me highlight the word "for" even further. This isn't about living with somebody, it's about living for somebody. Marriage without children is really what gives a married couple the opportunity to live for one another, and to be able to look around and enjoy it. My wife and I golf together. We do yoga together. We go to G-rated films together. We go to D-Man's house one Sunday each month and watch PPV's together. Each of us lives for the other.

Once you have children - if you are a good parent - a married couple begins living together FOR their children. By the point a married couple is ready to have children, they are an entity - a team. They are "The Rockers," not Michaels and Jannetty. (maybe a poor analogy, considering the number of times I'm sure my wife have wanted to superkick me and throw my fat ass through a window.) When the kids arrive, it's no longer about each member of the marriage living for the other, it's about the two of them, together, living for their children.

This is why I am a major advocate of not only waiting until marriage for children, but for waiting SEVERAL YEARS into marriage for children. Only then is the average couple strong enough emotionally, psychologically, and financially to support children.

I have many friends who have had children first, and then married. I have a lot of friends who had children and watched that relationship fail, only to marry someone else. Some of them have made it work. I don't want this to come off as an insult to successful single parents or couples who had kids first, but it's simple law of averages. Couples who marry because of a pregnancy have a higher divorce rate than couple who marry for each other, and then start families down the line. It's a simple case of "fulfillment of needs." Read anything by Maslow for more on this.

<IC25 climbs off of soapbox>

I have a lot of opinions on marriage and relationships.

 

[kissfan85]

I think you should wait a couple years into having children after being married.
I think you need time as a couple being married to experiance being married to each other and just getting used to that relationship changing before you bring kids into it.
The issue why I don't really want to wait anymore is cause I'm already 25 but my husband is only 22 and I don't want to be an old parent. My parents and grandparents were all 18 and 19 and I always liked how they kinda grew up with me and did things with me....Mid 20's and the thought of being 30 with a one yr old is kind of depressing...
I don't want to be an old mommy but....we have only been married a yr and couple months so unfortunately that's the way I think I'm gonna have to go

and I agree with Irishcanadian about living together first.
I think when you live together there is no putting on a show, I think you get what the other person is....there's no getting ready for hours before hand, or rehearsing what your gonna say or cleaning your house all day before hand. That person knows exactly what you are, how you act first thing in the morning and how clean or not clean you are. There is no pretend and that's the way I think it should be