The Best Wrestling Themes In History (w/ Science)

[Uncle Sam]

Me and my team of scientists are currently working on a definitive top ten list of wrestling themes. We were working on cancer, then what shade of lipstick looks best on chimps, now we're on this.

I don't like hanging around. Well, I do, but I thought I'd let this baby slalom out of my birth canal more swiftly than usual. Figuratively speaking.

Too often has discussion about wrestling themes - beautiful, gorgeous, fist pumping wrestling themes - been the domain of the spam-friendly, the slow and the just plain illiterate. No more! Me and my team of Action Scientists™ have been hard at work, researching day and night to present you with a definitive list of the greatest themes that professional wrestling has ever known. Everybody knows that the key to successful experimentation is repetition - hence all those blowjobs I give in back alleys - and all our methods yielded the same results. Yes, that's right; observing what music chimps would mate to, would make fling their own feces and, most importantly, would trigger an unquenchable blood lust all pointed to this being the definitive list. That it's biased in the direction of post-90s WWE is merely a coincidence.

Now, as everyone knows, the best themes have a good hook at the start, are repetitive, are catchy, and are chuuunes. Again - science. Some themes are bigger chuuunes than others (that's what we call a variable).

Chris Jericho - Break The Walls Down​

Remember when Chris Jericho debuted in WWE? Remember how everybody always lists that as one of the greatest moments in WWE history? It wasn't. The Rock was great, sure. Chris Jericho wasn't. Jericho was akward on the microphone, couldn't really act, and responded the The Rock's retorts by pulling a face like a scalded bitch. What was great about Jericho's debut was this:

[YOUTUBE]sfabArErrb0[/YOUTUBE]

There's no denying that this song:

• Has a good hook at the start
• Is repetitive
• Is catchy
• Is a chuuune

More importantly, it earns a place on this list because it's so awesome that it's managed to brainwash people into thinking a mediocre promo is one of the greatest moments in WWE history. No doubt, it was a fucking cool entrance - it's just a shame about the bit that came after.

Oh, and it made one of the chimps rip its own dick off and eat it. Full points.

Tazz - 13​

So many themes try to convince you that the wrestler they accompany is a badass. Often it just comes as over as melodramatic and hammy, particularly if the wrestler in question doesn't quite pull it off. This one pulled it off:

[youtube]MEhzpeBlDFU[/youtube]

You love that heart monitor bit at the start, don't you? Admit it. It's so awesome that when you die, when you inevitably overdose on heroin and the heart monitor next to your hospital bed flatlines, you want Taz's theme to start playing. Your grieving mother will be perked up for a minute despite, you know, their child's corpse being right there. Tazz (or Taz, if you're that way inclined), despite possibly qualifying as - ahem - a "little person", could throw suplexes like the best of them and was an intimidating little bugger.

Rey Mysterio - 619​

Alright, so this isn't necessarily one you'd want to show to your girlfriend when you're trying to convince her your love of greased up men grappling is entirely rational, but just listen to it:

[youtube]M-J713Tv26Q[/youtube]

Maybe it's my love of Rey Mysterio, maybe it's my love of hip hop (word), I just always thought this song was... dope. Yes, that is' the technical term. Oh, and the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch is one of the coolest openings you'll ever come across. I mean, come on, it preceded a bloke exploding out the floor.

Better than Rey's frankly bizarre WCW theme anyway.

Goldust - Goldust​

[YOUTUBE]LOCJJEF7POQ[/YOUTUBE]

You can have that one up front. Never has there been a better alignment of character to theme. It's spooky, ethereal, regal, bizarre - everything Goldust was. I don't know if music can be implicitly homosexual. If it can, it was, because Goldust was.

Wasn't he?

My laptop's running hot now. I could carry on listing them but I might as well leave some for you people. Remember to apply the scientific method and provide reasons, lest we end up in the spam section again.

 

[The Wolf]

Well If I had to break down the greatest theme songs of all time I would
1) can you tell who it is with out a catch phrase in the first cpl of seconds
2) does it fit the wrestler that comes out to it
3) does it get up hyped as well

So with that being said my top 3 are

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyW4WS449ZA

Ric Flair WCW
1) the second I hear it I think of Ric Flair Immediately not a movie
2) He was always ahead his time & considered a higher class
3) u always knew we were in for it mic or action he always gave his all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guG9cVs3ms4&feature=fvwrel

The Immortal Hulk Hogan WWF
1) till this day the second we hear the guitar the place still erupts
2) He was everything America was in the 80's
3) the beat alone gets the blood pumpimg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFb9WhlGzn4

Stone Cold Stave Austin

1) The Second we hear the glass shatter we know it is 3:16 time
2) He was always amped up nvr calm nvr safe
3) the place goes to their feet need I say more

 

[Rayne]

Triple H's theme. Hands down, the best professional wrestling theme recorded. Maybe not remembered most fondly (Hi, Ric Flair!), but as far as what it accomplishes, it's second to none.

It takes about one note for you to know who's coming out. Everyone who's watched professional wrestling during the past twenty years knows exactly who's coming out as soon as that Eb5 chord is played. It sets the theme; it is a rough, growling note that lets you know that shit is about to get real, and someone is going to get fucked up. It has the obligatory breaks for dramatic poses. When you look to construct a professional wrestler's theme, you'd do yourself well to start by studying how this theme is constructed. It is a "how to" in getting people to respond to music.