klunderbunker
Welcome to My (And Not Sly's) House
Starrcade 1994
Date: December 27, 1994
Location: Nashville Municipal Auditorium, Nashville, Tennessee
Attendance: 8,200
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan
So we have reached the end of another, ahem, spectacular year of WCW and I figured I might as well just keep going from the beginning of Hogan’s WCW run up to the formation of the NWO so that’s where this string of show is coming from in case you were wondering. On tonight’s card, Brutus Beefcake, Honky Tonk Man, Earthquake, Mr. T., The Nasty Boys, Jim Duggan and a guy named Jean-Paul Levesque. You might have heard of him in his other name: Hunter Hearst Helmsley, which he later shortened to HHH. Let’s get to this.
The intro just talks about the match listings, making it like the back of a box or something. Oh and Savage makes his PPV debut tonight. Heenan is called the Ed Wood of wrestling. He gets insane heel heat with ease. The great ones always can. Santa is here and it’s Dave Sullivan’s brother Evad. Some guy named Aaron Tippin sings the national anthem while wearing a Tampa Bay Lightning jersey. What the hell man?
We recap Savage saying that he’s the number one wrestler in the world and he wants to meet Hogan face to face. Apparently Savage is going to shake his hand or slap him in the face.
We go to an awards ceremony for Hogan being named PWI Wrestler of the Year where they point out by mistake how stupid it was to have Hogan come out of retirement and beat Flair. Basically this is just a way to say Hogan is awesome and he will save us if we accept him. We’re ten minutes in and we haven’t been to the ring yet.
Hey it’s a match!
US Title: Vader vs. Jim Duggan
So Duggan beat Austin for the belt in freaking 27 seconds since he sucked up to Hogan years ago and has held it for 100 days at this point. Vader had been treading water and was number one contender at this point but wouldn’t get his title shot for another month and a half so we could have Beefcake get his only main event singles push ever. They might as well just put a big jobbing tonight sign on his chest.
Vader jumps him in the aisle and we have our first contact and bell at about thirteen minutes. Actually we haven’t had a bell yet so this hasn’t started at all officially. Oh Race is Vader’s manager here. Duggan shouts at a camera guy to get out of his way even though he’s not in his way. This is apparently a main event match. You could have fooled me. I thought those came at the end of shows.
Duggan manages to get a LONG slam which is impressive. Aww Jim has his star knee pads. That’s so cute. The crowd isn’t exactly hot which is an understatement. Duggan finally gets beaten down like the good jobber that he’s (as the US Champion which makes little sense) supposed to be. The Vader Bomb hits but he gets his foot on the rope. He goes for it again but Duggan is up and kicks him in the balls twice which doesn’t get a DQ for no apparent reason at all.
I love that move Vader does when he just jumps at someone and slams into them. That’s just awesome. Apparently there are only seven matches. That hardly screams show of the year to me. The moonsault misses but it was ok looking at least. Vader hits the world’s slowest splash.
The three point clothesline hits but Race makes the save. Duggan catches the powerslam off the ropes which I would have called the ending but Race interferes again. Ok, we get it already: Race is around. He picks up the board and Vader rams Duggan’s head into it and then hits a weird face slam for the pin.
Rating: C+. Not bad. This was really just to have a title change. I really don’t like having a face lose a title on a major show but getting Duggan out of this level of the card is fine by me. This wasn’t much but it was a decent enough big man brawl to get us going. Vader would keep the title about four months before being stripped of it for no good reason.
The Faces of Fear say they’ll all win tonight and an alliance has been made. That would be the Dungeon of Doom I believe.
Alex Wright vs. Jean-Paul Levesque
So it’s Alex Wright vs. HHH on PPV. This should be most interesting. HHH was another guy that was told he had no long term potential as a singles guy, much like Steve Austin. He’s French here and allegedly 274lbs despite looking like a cruiserweight. More or less he’s the same character that he was when he debuted in WWF. He would be gone in less than a month. Wright was just a German kid. That was his gimmick. Oh and he danced.
It’s a catchy theme song if nothing else. HHH has a bow in his hair and Wright is about to fall out of his tights because he’s so well endowed. Oh come on like I’m not going to notice that. The referee is named Jimmy Jett which is a great indy high flier name. Wright really could move. For some reason we have a LOT of dead air. I mean like 2-3 minutes of just not a word being said. They say Wright can only get better.
That’s just flat out wrong as this is probably the best he ever was. The fans are dead as hell here. I can kind of see why too as we’re mainly just on the mat. That’s fine for people like us but it’s boring as hell otherwise. HHH actually does a handstand and not a bad one at all. Then he just goes off and kicks and punches, resulting in, and you won’t believe this, THE CROWD RESPONDING! HHH JUST USED A SPINWHEEL KICK. I’m stunned.
Heenan says that Okerlund would kill to have HHH’s hair. That’s just amusing. This referee has a weird style of counting and I don’t like it. We hit a chinlock and shockingly, HHH is too loud calling spots. He’s notoriously bad at that. HHH hits a dropkick. I can’t believe I’m writing this.
Bobby insults country music and I laugh more and more. HHH uses more or less the same mannerisms and moves that he did in his early HHH years and he’s not marketable. That’s just hilarious. HHH whips him into the corner but he moonsaults out and hits a rollup for the pin. Yes, Alex Wright has a pinfall victory over HHH on PPV. This got a huge pop actually.
Rating: B. This was a really good match. Wright was insanely awesome back in the day but I think he realized that there was no way he was ever going to get pushed at all because he was young and talented. His push pretty much died after this save for some TV Title stuff in 97, which is a shame.
TV Title: Honky Tonk Man vs. Johnny B. Badd
And there’s no Honky. He left just before the show and is replaced by Arn Anderson. You know, the guy that should be in the Hall of Fame that is apparently not good enough to be on the regular card but Honky, Brutus and Duggan are. That’s just pathetic as hell. Badd does his annoying as hell confetti and then “Badd Bucks” fall from the sky. Heenan says it should have been Nashville bombed instead of Hiroshima. Tony can barely respond.
Apparently Blacktop Bully, Smash of Demolition who clearly deserved a job, is now in the Stud Stable. No one cares. Heenan is either on fire tonight or really bored: “Johnny B. Badd was a great boxer. He could put two dozen oranges inside one in 30 seconds.” That’s not bad at all. Badd just punches the hell out of Anderson and Arn is like fuck that take a spinebuster you fucking prick. And all of a sudden Brain goes into a story about seeing Mr. T. come into the building. That came out of nowhere.
Arn was just so awesome that it’s hard to comprehend. Heenan points out how stupid it is to ask Anderson if he used the ropes to cheat, which is absolutely right. This just isn’t interesting at all. It’s like they’re lumbering around looking for a finish which is never good at all. Badd hits a sunset flip from the top for two. Arn gets a rollup for two and when he’s arguing with the referee Badd rolls him up for a fast counted three.
Rating: D+. This just felt sloppy. Now to be fair this might not have had a lot of time to be prepared and if that’s the case I’ll buy it as being around a C. However, I’d assume they had at least two days to get this together and therefore it just wasn’t interesting. These two just didn’t mesh at all, but I’ll take Anderson over Honky EVERY day.
Apparently Honky left earlier in the day and just walked out so go with the other grade.
The Nastys win tag team of the year. Ok, I had read reports that the PWI awards were rigged this year and I didn’t really buy it with Hogan over Hart as Hogan was light years more popular. This cements that they were rigged here though. Allegedly Turner more or less bought them and that’s what I would believe here. There is no way at all that these guys could win anything ever, period. What was nasty about them anyway?
Tag Titles: Harlem Heat vs. Nasty Boys
Apparently the Nastys, the challengers, are required to have another title match. Not that they were forced to defend but were forced to challenge. Heat comes out without the belts or being announced as champions. Apparently this is non title, which is completely pointless. They sing their own song too. Damn it it’s catchy. Why did it have to be catchy? You know for the TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR, the Nastys are getting quite a few boos.
Harlem Heat are still getting used to being a big deal but they’ve got the look down. Heenan: you know what you call a woman with $2 million? Divorced. If that wasn’t so sexist it would be hilarious. Ok, apparently Stars N Stripes are champions here. What the hell is going on? OH I GOT IT! Harlem Heat had won the belts already but it hasn’t aired yet. That makes sense.
WCW just decided to not have the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS on the biggest show of the year, but the Nasty Boys can be on instead. Why not, now just stay with me here, why not have the TITLE CHANGE AT THE PPV??? Oh I know. Because that would make too much sense and would have the Nastys not be on PPV like they belong, over the tag team champions. For one thing we’re actually having a good amount of time here.
Second problem: we’re letting the Nastys run the match. What in the hell is going on? Heenan says that someone has taught the Nastys how to wrestle tag team wrestling. That’s just hilarious in about 8 different ways. They manage to botch being slammed into the railing. Do you know what that requires? NOTHING. YOU DO NOTHING! YOU LET THE OTHER GUY DO EVERYTHING!
It’s just standing there and letting yourself get shoved and THEY BLEW IT! That takes incredible talent. We move from that to a NERVE HOLD! Oh dear indeed. Thankfully Booker, the guy with talent in here, takes control. This is just going on way too long at this point.
The Nastys make the face comeback mainly because of Sherri’s hairspray missing and after a top rope elbow Sherri jumps in for the DQ. That was just freaking stupid as all hell. Knobbs wishes everyone a Merry Christmas, two days after it happens.
Rating: D+. This was eighteen minutes long. Seriously, the Nastys got 18 minutes. Hogan ran this company, plain and simple.
Sting wins the most popular wrestler award as this is just freaking stupid. Seriously, all four of these guys win all these awards? Why do I not buy this as being legit?
Sting says he feels like a giant killer.
Kevin Sullivan vs. Mr. T.
Do we have to do this? T. was a referee at Clash of the Champions and Sullivan blasted him. This is a score settling contest. I think everyone has the same theme song tonight other than Hogan and Sting and the Nastys. Oh also just about everyone has gotten a quick little interview that looks like a home movie that I’m just ignoring. They all say exactly what you would expect them to say. T. is wearing a referee’s shirt for no apparent reason.
I have to give him this: he kept trying. He was annoying as hell but he kept going. And we have Santa coming down the aisle with t-shirts. T. loses the referee shirt and what does he have underneath? It’s a shirt you could easily work out in. Why couldn’t he just go with that? I’m analyzing fashion in wrestling. Jimmy Hart comes out and puts his megaphone in Santa’s sack. A shot to Kevin’s head and Mr. T. wins the fucking thing.
Rating: F. They put an actor over a wrestler. What’s next? Putting the world title on him? That could never happen of course. Kevin beats up his brother after the match. He’s Santa in case you forgot. Replays show Kevin looking over his shoulder to make sure he gets hit properly. Are you even trying anymore?
Hogan says he doesn’t want to fight Beefcake but that’s not going to happen. Geez he has no ass at all. Jimmy says he’ll never turn on him, and given the 10 months that it took him to do it, that might as well be forever in wrestling. Hogan says he might have to start bending some rules. That’s just funny.
They actually try to make Beefcake sound credible. That’s just funny as hell but points for trying.
Sting vs. Avalanche
Avalanche is Earthquake if you aren’t sure. Sullivan comes out with him because they’re in a stable together or something. This would have been awesome four years before this. Sting literally has three inch high hair. This moves quickly into a standard big man vs. little man that’s actually a big man but since he’s so freaking big he looks little match.
Anytime you guys want to do something of note, please go ahead. Sting moves away, Shark chases him like a big fat idiot, Sting moves away. See what I have to do here? Five minutes in and there's almost nothing to report.
Sting gets in his usual basic stuff and Shark gets in his usual power stuff. What do you really expect to be happening here? I'm sorry there aren't many details but we’ve been fighting for almost ten minutes here and nothing of note has happened.
It’s just Quake does something big and Sting tries to fight back but it doesn’t work at all. Make that fifteen minutes and the referee goes down. Sullivan comes in to break it up and he’s FREAKING TINY. I mean he makes it up to Sting’s chest. They beat Sting down and Hogan, the saint that he is, runs out with a chair with a save. That was nice of him. Make sure you get two big appearances in one show to make sure you get a bigger pop. How nice!
Rating: D. This was just so basic that it was pathetic. That sums up WCW so well it’s not even funny. Again, this got fifteen minutes. Would it be possible to instead of giving these two matches 15-18 minutes each to just HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING MATCH??? Is it that hard to get 8 matches together? Were Zeus and Boss Man busy?
Jimmy Hart wins manager of the year and he dedicates it to Hogan. I believe he’s also been named President of Botswana and is being credited with inventing frozen pizza.
We recap Beefcake and Hogan. Here’s how it goes: Beefcake got tired of being the guy to go out and get the drugs so he put on a mask, thinking that it was a new kind of bong and then thought Hogan was a dragon and began trying to whack him with a pipe that was also used for other reasons. Once he got a bit cleaner, they realized that it was a bad angle so they ran it as the main event of the biggest PPV of the year. Trust me: that’s more interesting. Oh and Hogan wears a speedo on the beach.
Basically Brutus was tired of being in the shadows and he turned on Hogan as the Masked Man.
The package is about 8 minutes long, I kid you not.
WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. The Butcher
Oh come on like I really have to explain this one. It’s Hogan in a PPV main event where he has creative control. This couldn’t be more predictable if their lives depended on it. Hogan dominates, Brutus fights back, we have some chair shots, Hogan gets put in the sleeper after about 8 minutes of punishment, he fights it off, the Faces of Fear run in, Hogan wins anyway. I know that’s kind of weak but seriously, did you expect something different here?
With everyone against Hogan, Savage runs out and saves him. Back in the locker room there’s a huge party and then Vader shows up to make Hogan look completely stupid, which to be fair takes all of letting him breathe. This sets up 2-3 months of them fighting and Hogan never coming anywhere close to losing. Bockwinkle makes the match for SuperBrawl and we’re out.
Rating: D+. Seriously, Brutus Beefcake main evented WCW’s Wrestlemania. Do I even need to make fun of this? It was as basic as you could imagine it would be and it just wasn’t any good. I don’t think anyone actually wanted to see this match. If you notice, look at the three heels: they all suck. None of them are good in the ring at all. Brutus is ok and Quake is good for a big man but he’s never going to carry a match or anything. Hogan did that a lot and it’s rather cheap.
Overall Rating: D+. This just wasn’t that good. It was supposed to be their biggest show and it just wasn’t anything special. That’s Hogan’s booking for you though: not that interested and designed to make Hogan look as impressive as possible. When the best match is from two rookies, you know you don’t have much to go on.
This was just not interesting and felt like an In Your House level show, which is really bad. Hogan vs. Vader would have been WAY better here, but this was Hogan’s world and here’s what you get for living in it. Not worth seeing, but it went by REALLY fast so I guess it’s an ok time killer for Hogan haters.
Date: December 27, 1994
Location: Nashville Municipal Auditorium, Nashville, Tennessee
Attendance: 8,200
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan
So we have reached the end of another, ahem, spectacular year of WCW and I figured I might as well just keep going from the beginning of Hogan’s WCW run up to the formation of the NWO so that’s where this string of show is coming from in case you were wondering. On tonight’s card, Brutus Beefcake, Honky Tonk Man, Earthquake, Mr. T., The Nasty Boys, Jim Duggan and a guy named Jean-Paul Levesque. You might have heard of him in his other name: Hunter Hearst Helmsley, which he later shortened to HHH. Let’s get to this.
The intro just talks about the match listings, making it like the back of a box or something. Oh and Savage makes his PPV debut tonight. Heenan is called the Ed Wood of wrestling. He gets insane heel heat with ease. The great ones always can. Santa is here and it’s Dave Sullivan’s brother Evad. Some guy named Aaron Tippin sings the national anthem while wearing a Tampa Bay Lightning jersey. What the hell man?
We recap Savage saying that he’s the number one wrestler in the world and he wants to meet Hogan face to face. Apparently Savage is going to shake his hand or slap him in the face.
We go to an awards ceremony for Hogan being named PWI Wrestler of the Year where they point out by mistake how stupid it was to have Hogan come out of retirement and beat Flair. Basically this is just a way to say Hogan is awesome and he will save us if we accept him. We’re ten minutes in and we haven’t been to the ring yet.
Hey it’s a match!
US Title: Vader vs. Jim Duggan
So Duggan beat Austin for the belt in freaking 27 seconds since he sucked up to Hogan years ago and has held it for 100 days at this point. Vader had been treading water and was number one contender at this point but wouldn’t get his title shot for another month and a half so we could have Beefcake get his only main event singles push ever. They might as well just put a big jobbing tonight sign on his chest.
Vader jumps him in the aisle and we have our first contact and bell at about thirteen minutes. Actually we haven’t had a bell yet so this hasn’t started at all officially. Oh Race is Vader’s manager here. Duggan shouts at a camera guy to get out of his way even though he’s not in his way. This is apparently a main event match. You could have fooled me. I thought those came at the end of shows.
Duggan manages to get a LONG slam which is impressive. Aww Jim has his star knee pads. That’s so cute. The crowd isn’t exactly hot which is an understatement. Duggan finally gets beaten down like the good jobber that he’s (as the US Champion which makes little sense) supposed to be. The Vader Bomb hits but he gets his foot on the rope. He goes for it again but Duggan is up and kicks him in the balls twice which doesn’t get a DQ for no apparent reason at all.
I love that move Vader does when he just jumps at someone and slams into them. That’s just awesome. Apparently there are only seven matches. That hardly screams show of the year to me. The moonsault misses but it was ok looking at least. Vader hits the world’s slowest splash.
The three point clothesline hits but Race makes the save. Duggan catches the powerslam off the ropes which I would have called the ending but Race interferes again. Ok, we get it already: Race is around. He picks up the board and Vader rams Duggan’s head into it and then hits a weird face slam for the pin.
Rating: C+. Not bad. This was really just to have a title change. I really don’t like having a face lose a title on a major show but getting Duggan out of this level of the card is fine by me. This wasn’t much but it was a decent enough big man brawl to get us going. Vader would keep the title about four months before being stripped of it for no good reason.
The Faces of Fear say they’ll all win tonight and an alliance has been made. That would be the Dungeon of Doom I believe.
Alex Wright vs. Jean-Paul Levesque
So it’s Alex Wright vs. HHH on PPV. This should be most interesting. HHH was another guy that was told he had no long term potential as a singles guy, much like Steve Austin. He’s French here and allegedly 274lbs despite looking like a cruiserweight. More or less he’s the same character that he was when he debuted in WWF. He would be gone in less than a month. Wright was just a German kid. That was his gimmick. Oh and he danced.
It’s a catchy theme song if nothing else. HHH has a bow in his hair and Wright is about to fall out of his tights because he’s so well endowed. Oh come on like I’m not going to notice that. The referee is named Jimmy Jett which is a great indy high flier name. Wright really could move. For some reason we have a LOT of dead air. I mean like 2-3 minutes of just not a word being said. They say Wright can only get better.
That’s just flat out wrong as this is probably the best he ever was. The fans are dead as hell here. I can kind of see why too as we’re mainly just on the mat. That’s fine for people like us but it’s boring as hell otherwise. HHH actually does a handstand and not a bad one at all. Then he just goes off and kicks and punches, resulting in, and you won’t believe this, THE CROWD RESPONDING! HHH JUST USED A SPINWHEEL KICK. I’m stunned.
Heenan says that Okerlund would kill to have HHH’s hair. That’s just amusing. This referee has a weird style of counting and I don’t like it. We hit a chinlock and shockingly, HHH is too loud calling spots. He’s notoriously bad at that. HHH hits a dropkick. I can’t believe I’m writing this.
Bobby insults country music and I laugh more and more. HHH uses more or less the same mannerisms and moves that he did in his early HHH years and he’s not marketable. That’s just hilarious. HHH whips him into the corner but he moonsaults out and hits a rollup for the pin. Yes, Alex Wright has a pinfall victory over HHH on PPV. This got a huge pop actually.
Rating: B. This was a really good match. Wright was insanely awesome back in the day but I think he realized that there was no way he was ever going to get pushed at all because he was young and talented. His push pretty much died after this save for some TV Title stuff in 97, which is a shame.
TV Title: Honky Tonk Man vs. Johnny B. Badd
And there’s no Honky. He left just before the show and is replaced by Arn Anderson. You know, the guy that should be in the Hall of Fame that is apparently not good enough to be on the regular card but Honky, Brutus and Duggan are. That’s just pathetic as hell. Badd does his annoying as hell confetti and then “Badd Bucks” fall from the sky. Heenan says it should have been Nashville bombed instead of Hiroshima. Tony can barely respond.
Apparently Blacktop Bully, Smash of Demolition who clearly deserved a job, is now in the Stud Stable. No one cares. Heenan is either on fire tonight or really bored: “Johnny B. Badd was a great boxer. He could put two dozen oranges inside one in 30 seconds.” That’s not bad at all. Badd just punches the hell out of Anderson and Arn is like fuck that take a spinebuster you fucking prick. And all of a sudden Brain goes into a story about seeing Mr. T. come into the building. That came out of nowhere.
Arn was just so awesome that it’s hard to comprehend. Heenan points out how stupid it is to ask Anderson if he used the ropes to cheat, which is absolutely right. This just isn’t interesting at all. It’s like they’re lumbering around looking for a finish which is never good at all. Badd hits a sunset flip from the top for two. Arn gets a rollup for two and when he’s arguing with the referee Badd rolls him up for a fast counted three.
Rating: D+. This just felt sloppy. Now to be fair this might not have had a lot of time to be prepared and if that’s the case I’ll buy it as being around a C. However, I’d assume they had at least two days to get this together and therefore it just wasn’t interesting. These two just didn’t mesh at all, but I’ll take Anderson over Honky EVERY day.
Apparently Honky left earlier in the day and just walked out so go with the other grade.
The Nastys win tag team of the year. Ok, I had read reports that the PWI awards were rigged this year and I didn’t really buy it with Hogan over Hart as Hogan was light years more popular. This cements that they were rigged here though. Allegedly Turner more or less bought them and that’s what I would believe here. There is no way at all that these guys could win anything ever, period. What was nasty about them anyway?
Tag Titles: Harlem Heat vs. Nasty Boys
Apparently the Nastys, the challengers, are required to have another title match. Not that they were forced to defend but were forced to challenge. Heat comes out without the belts or being announced as champions. Apparently this is non title, which is completely pointless. They sing their own song too. Damn it it’s catchy. Why did it have to be catchy? You know for the TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR, the Nastys are getting quite a few boos.
Harlem Heat are still getting used to being a big deal but they’ve got the look down. Heenan: you know what you call a woman with $2 million? Divorced. If that wasn’t so sexist it would be hilarious. Ok, apparently Stars N Stripes are champions here. What the hell is going on? OH I GOT IT! Harlem Heat had won the belts already but it hasn’t aired yet. That makes sense.
WCW just decided to not have the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS on the biggest show of the year, but the Nasty Boys can be on instead. Why not, now just stay with me here, why not have the TITLE CHANGE AT THE PPV??? Oh I know. Because that would make too much sense and would have the Nastys not be on PPV like they belong, over the tag team champions. For one thing we’re actually having a good amount of time here.
Second problem: we’re letting the Nastys run the match. What in the hell is going on? Heenan says that someone has taught the Nastys how to wrestle tag team wrestling. That’s just hilarious in about 8 different ways. They manage to botch being slammed into the railing. Do you know what that requires? NOTHING. YOU DO NOTHING! YOU LET THE OTHER GUY DO EVERYTHING!
It’s just standing there and letting yourself get shoved and THEY BLEW IT! That takes incredible talent. We move from that to a NERVE HOLD! Oh dear indeed. Thankfully Booker, the guy with talent in here, takes control. This is just going on way too long at this point.
The Nastys make the face comeback mainly because of Sherri’s hairspray missing and after a top rope elbow Sherri jumps in for the DQ. That was just freaking stupid as all hell. Knobbs wishes everyone a Merry Christmas, two days after it happens.
Rating: D+. This was eighteen minutes long. Seriously, the Nastys got 18 minutes. Hogan ran this company, plain and simple.
Sting wins the most popular wrestler award as this is just freaking stupid. Seriously, all four of these guys win all these awards? Why do I not buy this as being legit?
Sting says he feels like a giant killer.
Kevin Sullivan vs. Mr. T.
Do we have to do this? T. was a referee at Clash of the Champions and Sullivan blasted him. This is a score settling contest. I think everyone has the same theme song tonight other than Hogan and Sting and the Nastys. Oh also just about everyone has gotten a quick little interview that looks like a home movie that I’m just ignoring. They all say exactly what you would expect them to say. T. is wearing a referee’s shirt for no apparent reason.
I have to give him this: he kept trying. He was annoying as hell but he kept going. And we have Santa coming down the aisle with t-shirts. T. loses the referee shirt and what does he have underneath? It’s a shirt you could easily work out in. Why couldn’t he just go with that? I’m analyzing fashion in wrestling. Jimmy Hart comes out and puts his megaphone in Santa’s sack. A shot to Kevin’s head and Mr. T. wins the fucking thing.
Rating: F. They put an actor over a wrestler. What’s next? Putting the world title on him? That could never happen of course. Kevin beats up his brother after the match. He’s Santa in case you forgot. Replays show Kevin looking over his shoulder to make sure he gets hit properly. Are you even trying anymore?
Hogan says he doesn’t want to fight Beefcake but that’s not going to happen. Geez he has no ass at all. Jimmy says he’ll never turn on him, and given the 10 months that it took him to do it, that might as well be forever in wrestling. Hogan says he might have to start bending some rules. That’s just funny.
They actually try to make Beefcake sound credible. That’s just funny as hell but points for trying.
Sting vs. Avalanche
Avalanche is Earthquake if you aren’t sure. Sullivan comes out with him because they’re in a stable together or something. This would have been awesome four years before this. Sting literally has three inch high hair. This moves quickly into a standard big man vs. little man that’s actually a big man but since he’s so freaking big he looks little match.
Anytime you guys want to do something of note, please go ahead. Sting moves away, Shark chases him like a big fat idiot, Sting moves away. See what I have to do here? Five minutes in and there's almost nothing to report.
Sting gets in his usual basic stuff and Shark gets in his usual power stuff. What do you really expect to be happening here? I'm sorry there aren't many details but we’ve been fighting for almost ten minutes here and nothing of note has happened.
It’s just Quake does something big and Sting tries to fight back but it doesn’t work at all. Make that fifteen minutes and the referee goes down. Sullivan comes in to break it up and he’s FREAKING TINY. I mean he makes it up to Sting’s chest. They beat Sting down and Hogan, the saint that he is, runs out with a chair with a save. That was nice of him. Make sure you get two big appearances in one show to make sure you get a bigger pop. How nice!
Rating: D. This was just so basic that it was pathetic. That sums up WCW so well it’s not even funny. Again, this got fifteen minutes. Would it be possible to instead of giving these two matches 15-18 minutes each to just HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING MATCH??? Is it that hard to get 8 matches together? Were Zeus and Boss Man busy?
Jimmy Hart wins manager of the year and he dedicates it to Hogan. I believe he’s also been named President of Botswana and is being credited with inventing frozen pizza.
We recap Beefcake and Hogan. Here’s how it goes: Beefcake got tired of being the guy to go out and get the drugs so he put on a mask, thinking that it was a new kind of bong and then thought Hogan was a dragon and began trying to whack him with a pipe that was also used for other reasons. Once he got a bit cleaner, they realized that it was a bad angle so they ran it as the main event of the biggest PPV of the year. Trust me: that’s more interesting. Oh and Hogan wears a speedo on the beach.
Basically Brutus was tired of being in the shadows and he turned on Hogan as the Masked Man.
The package is about 8 minutes long, I kid you not.
WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. The Butcher
Oh come on like I really have to explain this one. It’s Hogan in a PPV main event where he has creative control. This couldn’t be more predictable if their lives depended on it. Hogan dominates, Brutus fights back, we have some chair shots, Hogan gets put in the sleeper after about 8 minutes of punishment, he fights it off, the Faces of Fear run in, Hogan wins anyway. I know that’s kind of weak but seriously, did you expect something different here?
With everyone against Hogan, Savage runs out and saves him. Back in the locker room there’s a huge party and then Vader shows up to make Hogan look completely stupid, which to be fair takes all of letting him breathe. This sets up 2-3 months of them fighting and Hogan never coming anywhere close to losing. Bockwinkle makes the match for SuperBrawl and we’re out.
Rating: D+. Seriously, Brutus Beefcake main evented WCW’s Wrestlemania. Do I even need to make fun of this? It was as basic as you could imagine it would be and it just wasn’t any good. I don’t think anyone actually wanted to see this match. If you notice, look at the three heels: they all suck. None of them are good in the ring at all. Brutus is ok and Quake is good for a big man but he’s never going to carry a match or anything. Hogan did that a lot and it’s rather cheap.
Overall Rating: D+. This just wasn’t that good. It was supposed to be their biggest show and it just wasn’t anything special. That’s Hogan’s booking for you though: not that interested and designed to make Hogan look as impressive as possible. When the best match is from two rookies, you know you don’t have much to go on.
This was just not interesting and felt like an In Your House level show, which is really bad. Hogan vs. Vader would have been WAY better here, but this was Hogan’s world and here’s what you get for living in it. Not worth seeing, but it went by REALLY fast so I guess it’s an ok time killer for Hogan haters.
