Respect - Earned or Automatic?

[Dowdsy McDowds]

Respect is something everyone wants but it is also something that people view differently in its application.

So this is a fairly straight-forward question, do people automatically have your respect when you first meet them, or do they need to earn it?

I remember my lecturer at college telling our class at the very start, "You guys all have A's just now, but it's up to you to maintain them." That's stuck with me ever since and I think was a key mindset for when I went to University a couple of years later. Instead of being over-whelmed with the work and daunted by what I would have to do to get an A, I thought of what I could do to prove I deserved an A.
This is pretty much my view when it comes to respecting people. Upon meeting them, I'm respectful of them and their views until they do or say something that makes me lose that respect. This isn't to say as soon as they come up with something I don't agree with I lose respect for them, if they can back up and have good reasons for why they feel the way they do then that's all good.

Once the respect is diminished it is a bit harder to feel the same way however. An example of this is recently my friend was in a relationship with a guy that was semi-long distance. After a few months she kept saying to me, "It's just not working, I think I'm gonna call it off." She stated this several times in a period of 3 weeks or so, only for the guy to break it off instead. Despite her repeatedly saying she wanted to end it, she then did a 180 and couldn't believe he had broken it off instead. About a week later the guy was in town and she bumped into another ex who she had repeatedly called all sorts of names, none of which were complimentary. So a few drinks later and they head back to his to sleep together. On the way there they pass a group of her ex's friends who guess what's up, but she carries on anyway then laments that she slept with the guy because of how bad she felt about the break-up. (Bullshit excuse in my book.)

From then, I've lost some respect for her. The thing that plays on my mind now, is maybe my 'automatic' stance for respect isn't the best as it puts people in a position where they are more likely to lose my respect rather than gain it.

So what say you, do people automatically have your respect only to maintain or lose it, or do people need to gain your respect over a prolonged time?

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Oh I am the same way, it's very easy with me. I respect all people, but I can also take that away as soon as I meet you. You can't be a fucking moron if you are going to be around me, I like to have fun. But stupid people are high up on the list of people who lose respect the quickest.

It's easy to keep my respect, but once you lose it. It's hard as fuck to gain it back.

 

[George Steele's Barber]

I would like to think that I give new people respect and give them the opportunity to keep my respect but I am biased. I judge people based on their appearance, age, location and what prior knowledge I have about them.

I don't think this makes me a bad person and I would not say I disrespect anyone without proper reason. I just don't give everyone that A-grade that you spoke of.

As far as that girl goes, her relationship issues are her problem and should not affect you unless you have strong feelings for her. If she is a good friend to you is all that matters.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Respect is an issue that people tend to fall into one of two extremes on. Some automatically give respect to anyone, and are just asking for drama when someone can lose respect they never earned. Then there are those who force people to earn respect and sometimes hold people to too high of a standard, then these same people wonder why they have no friends.

You cannot go about it at either one of those extremes due to the fact that if you are too demanding then no one will like you, and if you give out respect to just anyone then you are too trusting. I fall in the middle, but lean towards wanting respect earned. I give people a minimal amount of respect automatically. I would want them to do the same for me. They must earn my FULL respect, but I give them a little respect at first out of politeness because it gives them a chance to show me who they are without the potential to cause any chaotic or dramatic situations if/when they do something to lose my respect.

I am extreme in one aspect of respect though. Once you lose my respect, it's gone forever. I believe in forgiving others, but if you cross the line too far, then my respect cannot be earned back. The smaller the offense, the more likely you are of earning my respect back. On the other side of the coin, once you've earned my respect then it's very easy to keep it as long as you do nothing to betray my trust.

I try to earn the respect of others, and give them the chance to earn mine. That is what would be fair, and a system I wish more people used when it comes to respect. Some have zero respect for anything or anyone, and some demand too much of others then wonder why no one likes them. One extreme gets you hurt, the other hurts others. It's better to be in the middle when it comes to respect.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

I'm in the "my respect is yours to lose" camp. The last thing you want to do to someone (especially if you're in a position of authority) when you meet them is treat them coldly and expect them to earn your warmth (what purpose does this serve? even from an egoistical standpoint, it's much better to treat those below you with respect and kindness lest you fail somewhere down the line and must pass them on your way back down the ladder). I want to bring the best out in people immediately. Treating them like with immediate dignity and respect is the easiest way to achieve this.

 

[LilacFray]

So what say you, do people automatically have your respect only to maintain or lose it, or do people need to gain your respect over a prolonged time?

When it comes to a stranger, I respect them. But if they're beginning to not be a stranger anymore, if it's not someone I just meet once or instead is someone I'm going to be in contact or begin to see often, they usually go through the whole 'Deserves respect or Doesn't deserve respect' process. It takes time and while this goes on, I'll treat you the same way I did at first. But hell if you don't respect me, then there's no respect I've got for you. That's how it goes me. Respect is something to be earned, and the first step is to treat others the way you'd like to be - Respected. For some, respect takes time to build up, is hard to be broken - But once the Respect is lost, then it's gone forever.

 

[LSN80]

Good thread.

On the way there they pass a group of her ex's friends who guess what's up, but she carries on anyway then laments that she slept with the guy because of how bad she felt about the break-up. (Bullshit excuse in my book.)

From then, I've lost some respect for her.

The biggest question Id ask you here is how did she get respect from you in the first place? She was your friend, so was it her actions over time that caused you to respect her more, or was it automatic respect upon meeting her and becoming friends?

Respect to me comes based upon people's first actions around me, most of the time. When we as people meet others, we tend to put our best foot forward. Perhaps it's a little judgmental to say this, but I do make some determination on respect based upon first meeting. If someone makes an effort to be likeable and seems like a decent human being, I respect them as such until they show otherwise.

Let me give an example. My friends and I went to BWW for the Hell in A Cell PPV. One of my friends brought a new guy along, which was fine with me. I like getting to know new people. And while this guy was friendly and affable, the way he talked about himself and the things he did made me lose all respect for him. He talked about going out the past weekend to an exclusive club in Pittsburgh, and dropping 700$ in booze, all of which he drank himself. He continued to brag about how he was kicked out for passing out and winding up in the hopsital for two days with an alcohol induced coma. I determined one of two things from this: Either he was a hell of a liar, or he was a dumbass. Either way, keeping his company sucked, especially as he began to order two beers at a time that night, and drank them quickly, becoming more obnoxious as the night goes along.

As I said, a first impression goes a long way with me. It's somewhat unfair to judge someone solely on meeting them one time, but isn't it truly what we do? Gentlemen and ladies, how many one time dates have you gone on because you weren't interested in some way to give them a second chance? Is it because of looks at times? Absolutely. But how many of us have said "no" to a second date with an attractive person because you didn't like who they were? It's your respect they haven't gained, and therefor, you don't want to see them again.

It's cliched, but it fits here. The old adage of "You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a Good First Impression" rings true. We do base so many of the relationships we form or chose not to on one meeting, and give our respect accordingly. I believe the longer we've known someone, the easier it is for them to keep our respect. It's generally how Ive functioned, and I'd guess most of us as well.

 

[Paralyzer Z]

I can respect anyone that has not done anything to loose it.

unfortunatly if you annoy me you loose my respect, if you are a dumbass you loose my respect, if you talk too much you loose my respect. My point is that if someone is doing something that I think is wrong or makes me do this, then I refuse to give that person my respect.

I am a generally hard guy to get to know because I don't say much in social places like school. Usually within one week 85% of my class will have lost my respect even if they have had zero contact with me, they probably misbehaved or just annoyed me by doing something they were not supposed to. My friends have taken a long time for me to truly respect them because they have always been kind to me.

In my opinion every automatically has 100% respect from others but very easily begin to loose it.

 

[Hollywood Naitch]

Oh I am the same way, it's very easy with me. I respect all people, but I can also take that away as soon as I meet you. You can't be a fucking moron if you are going to be around me, I like to have fun. But stupid people are high up on the list of people who lose respect the quickest.

It's easy to keep my respect, but once you lose it. It's hard as fuck to gain it back.

Well said bro, I am exactly the same.

While everyone kinad pre-judges someone when they first meet them, I try my utmost to treat everybody I meet with the respect they deserve. You see these assholes out and about to take the piss and pick on random people in bars/clubs that they don't even know, just by pre-judging them, having no respect for them and generally being an asshole.

That isn't me. I may get an initial thought that someone is a bit of a nerd/loser etc, but I would never show them any form of disrespect until they did something that made me lose respect for them. Everyone deserves a chance, and to immediately treat someone badly is wrong in my opinion.

If I lose respect for someone because of something they have done, then they CAN earn it back, but it can often take a while. I tend not to hold grudges, and there aren't many people I don't like, but doing something that shows a lack of respect for yourself is not going to make me have respect for you.

I have respect for everyone initially, but that respect can be lost by their actions towards me, themselves and others.

 

[Dowdsy McDowds]

The biggest question Id ask you here is how did she get respect from you in the first place? She was your friend, so was it her actions over time that caused you to respect her more, or was it automatic respect upon meeting her and becoming friends?

There was initial respect as I met her through my best friend, but over time the respect strengthened ironically due to her seeming to mature and cutting down on the amount of times she'd go out to simply get horribly drunk and have random one night stands. When I first met her it would have been around the time she was settling down and cutting that out, so over time knowing that she was strengthening her resolve to say no to her pals who would go out with her old intentions was impressive.

However the capitulation of those ideals so rapidly and with such a weak excuse has made me lose respect for her in that regard, although it wasn't so big a deal that we don't talk anymore or anything. It's like that saying, "I'm not mad, just disappointed."


Thanks everyone for your views so far, it's been some interesting reading

 

[Good Golly It's Ollie]

Phatso is on the money here.

I think that as a human being, I owe it to you to not be a dick - i.e. I will treat you as I would like to be treated myself, and I will acknowledge your views as having validity. I also agree with the "my respect is yours to lose" consensus as tdigle put it. I think that's just the society we live in - and it works just fine.

However, at the same time, I do not expect to automatically be respected by other people. They probably think differently to me so whether they respect me or not is their decision, not mine to make for them. Also I don't really care. If someone chooses to disrespect me I'll just go and hang out with other people.

Also there's a difference between liking someone and respecting them. There are several people I really like but don't respect on either an intellectual or social level. Call me elitist if you like. Also there are a couple of people that I don't actually like per se but I have respect for them on some intellectual plane, or on a social one.

 

[DirtyD79]

I believe respect is earned not automatically given. You have to prove you deserve it.

 

[The 1-2-3 Killam]

I'd like to think that everyone I have encountered, whether directly or indirectly (through a friend, a person on TV, etc) starts with a glass half full. Or half empty...I really don't care. (That's right, apathy triumphs over optimism and pessimism yet again!) I try not to over-complicate things, and I treat everyone with a friendly, trusting level of respect. It's easily gained, lost, and reconciled. I feel like I'm somewhat of a reasonable, forgiving person...

But I also hated my grandparents view of respect when I was growing up. You couldn't call them out on anything, because they'd pull the "respect your elders" card. Even if they were totally off-base and obviously wrong about something, you never correct them, because apparently respect to them meant a get out of jail free card. It meant because they were older that nobody could tell them they were wrong, and that's just not how I view respect... Now, I also understand the culture differences and the influence their own parents had on them, and I still respect them as some-what wise members of my family. So to an extend I agree...but fundamentally I think that method is wrong.

The bottom line is all people deserve to be treated equally, fairly, and with general respect and kindness granted to your fellow man. Now, of course I have my moments of being a total ass, but who doesn't? I think it's less about defining respect and figuring out whether it should be "earned" or "automatic", and more about personal responsibility, and how we interact with other people. If you want my respect, don't piss in my cornflakes. Likewise, I won't demand to be treated like sunshine and daisies if I'm being a total dick. Well, in that situation I probably would...because I was being a dick. But in retrospect...in my hypocritically stance...that is my opinion.