Once Bitten, Twice Shy? Perhaps you should be....

[LSN80]

In a trade-off for her watching wrestling with me, I watched the Total Divas reality show last night that debuted on E! with my wife. One of the major focuses of the night were relationships, and on the periphery, the relationship between John Cena and Nikki Bella and the relationship between Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan.

Nikki was bemoaning the fact that Brie and Daniel were going ring-shopping, and how John was pretty sure he didn't wish to marry again. When she discussed it with him, he cited the 'painful' nature of the end of his first marriage, and how he still carried plenty of 'baggage' that he wasn't sure he wanted to risk again. Well, perhaps he's on to something, given the alarming disaster rate for second marriages.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leo-averbach/second-and-third-marriage_b_1326785.html

According to recent studies, while the divorce rate in the United States still stands at 50%, the divorce rate for second marriages is at an astonishing 67%, or 2 of 3. A third marriage? The divorce rate is even higher, clocking in at 73% or 3 in 4. One would think that people would learn and become more careful as time goes on, but that's not necessarily the case, says Diane Sollee, who's the director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C., and a Family Therapist:

"It’s so counter intuitive. It just seems obvious that people would be older and wiser, or learn from the mistakes of a failed first marriage and do better next time around. But that’s like saying if you lose a football game you’ll win the next one. You will—but only if you learn some new plays before you go back on the field.”

70% of people who divorce wind up marrying a second time, however, many with the belief that if they simply change a partner, they'll have more success. As Sollee said in her football analogy, it takes more then that. For football teams, it generally takes an influx of skill to turn a loser into a winner. For marriages, it takes skills such as learning how to deal with conflict. And like George Santayana once said:

"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

I've been married for almost five years, but there was a time when that almost didn't happen. I'd been engaged when I was younger, and after three years, she broke things off with me. I pretty much swore off the idea of marriage after that, ironic considering my career field. I dated a lot, but nothing serious for 3 years, until I met the woman I'm married to. But it wasn't just her, I matured and learned, much to my surprise, that it wasn't ALL(just mostly ) my ex-fiancee's fault that it didn't work out. But if my marriage, in theory, didn't work out(not gonna happen), I don't think I would marry again.

I suppose the "once bitten" principle doesn't apply solely to marriages either, as it could apply to anything from children to pets to a job. If you lose(or fail at) one, for any reason, conventional wisdom would say you'ld be gun-shy over having another. I wonder, however, if you decided to do so, if your success rate would be any better then a second marriage.

Thoughts on all of this? If you failed once at a major venture(marriage, career, etc.), would you be willing to give it another shot?

What factors would you take into consideration?

 

[Ultra Awesome]

To be married means you gotta stick with the person you're next to for a long time. That's the kind of commitment you have to watch out for in marriage.

Simple question: After having dated whoopdeewoop for X weeks, could you last 10 years with ehm? Most wouldn't even know how to think that far ahead and in which case, if your love isn't strong enough to see yourself with your person for a long time, then chances are he or she is not the one for you.

It's a feeling called love. Love, it makes you feel like time could stop existing and you just move on with yourself and your other. To see Time like this and to stop paying attention to it fully shows you got love because you don't care how long you're with your person--all you care is about being with your person.

So what the fuck is love? A strong heart-pounding emotion that makes you feel warm and fuzzy as well as devoted to the person your with. If your feelings don't come at least somewhat close to this then you probably don't belong with who your with. You need to have raw-based emotion for someone in order for you to stomach them for time.

And that there, is the secret to being with someone forever. You have to be able to.

 

[Mustang Sally]

.... the divorce rate for second marriages is at an astonishing 67%, or 2 of 3. A third marriage? The divorce rate is even higher, clocking in at 73% or 3 in 4.

When dating someone who has been married before, perhaps several times, does it ever enter the other person's head that there might be some compelling reasons that person hasn't been able to make a marriage work? Does that factor into your decision at all, or is he/she able to convince you it was the other party's fault in each occasion? Would it occur to you that your person keeps winding up in divorce court because they're unwilling to bend in any issue that comes up; that you do it their way or the highway?

No, I'm not saying every person who marries multiple times is someone to avoid, but in considering your alternatives, shouldn't this at least be one of 'em?

In addition to all that, folks that have been married previously often carry baggage from that relationship and I sure wouldn't have to deal with with someone's ex......or their children. I don't want kids of my own, so why would I want someone else's?

**********

Other ventures? How about having children, especially with someone you have no plans to marry (a big, big occurrence in society today).

In an instance that keeps coming up in family court, the woman is complaining that the father of their child is a terrible person and isn't providing for the kid. The judge points out that, before she made a baby with him, she knew:

-he's been in jail
-he doesn't like to work for a living
-he's already in trouble for not providing child support to another woman with whom he's had a child.

Knowing all this, she decides: "This is the man who will be the father of my children" and she's shocked when the judge is now asking her why she's so surprised he didn't turn out to be a responsible Dad.



Sometimes, the warning signs are right in front of you. You just have to take the time to read them.

 

[Fire Marshall Bill]

I am an odd person to chime in on a subject like this, simply because my view is very strongly in favor of one side because of my life. But it is a fair opinion nonetheless.

I have a hard time truly connecting with women. I've had my share of girlfriends and flings, but it took me a long time to even fall in love. It's not something that comes easy to me. In fact, it's quite difficult. It got to a point where I thought something was wrong with the emotional centers of my brain or something. I've always been a very indifferent individual. Not caring that much for most things and it just translated to relationships as well.

All that said, after finally falling in love for the first time years ago, I think you're fucking idiot if you're afraid to go down that path again. I don't think anyone should take something like that for granted, because you just never know if or when it will happen again. Sure it's not exactly the same as marriage (I sure hope you love someone you're considering marrying though), but if you're going to tell me love isn't a major thing, I'm going to tell you you've never been in love before. And if I am in love with a woman and she wants to get married, I'm going to do what I can to make that work. I don't care if she would be my 5th wife (I've never been married before).

Like they say, "you never know what you got til it's gone."

 

[Davi323]

Thoughts on all of this? If you failed once at a major venture(marriage, career, etc.), would you be willing to give it another shot?

This is an interesting topic to me, especially since I am currently one of those divorcees getting ready to remarry. Obviously, since I am getting remarried, I am willing to give marriage another go. The reasons that my first wife and I got divorced were specific to the relationship between us, not marriage in general. Knowing that, I knew that if I could find the right woman, I would have no problems being willing to go down that road again. Well, I have found the right woman, and I have zero hesitation about getting remarried.


What factors would you take into consideration?

As far as factors go, there are a few things that inclined me to try again.

First, when I got married the first time, it was for a super shitty reason. I didn't love her enough to marry her, I just saw all of my friends getting married and starting families, and I felt like I was being left behind. I got married out of loneliness, not out of love. So did she. There is no way that our marriage had any chance of success. NONE. But again, that was a failing between her and myself, not in the idea of marriage.

Secondly, my fiancee and I are fundamentally built for each other. By that I mean our personalities mesh together almost seamlessly, her strengths compliment my weaknesses, my strengths compliment her weaknesses. I don't intend on this being a gushfest, I am just pointing out that my fiancee and I are much, much better matches for each other than I was with my first wife. We are just extremely compatible personalities. Not the same personality exactly, but complimentary. My first wife and I did not have anything even resembling this. We butted heads constantly when we disagreed, and when we agreed, it was still contentious somehow, as if we didn't totally trust WHY the other was being agreeable. We just were a piss poor match. Never, ever, should have gotten married.

Thirdly, and I don't think this gets credited nearly enough, family approval. Your family has pretty good instincts about your potential mate, they can look at your prospective honey in a much more unbiased manner than you ever can. I failed to heed their wisdom once. They couldn't stand my first wife, I KNEW they couldn't stand my first wife, and I married her anyway, because I knew better than they did. Except I totally didn't. They were 100% right, I was 100% wrong. With my fiancee, she had family approval before we ever went on our first date, she was known to my youngest brother and his wife before I ever met her. It is because of them that we were initially set up on our first date.

Basically, when it is all said and done though, I was able to reflect on what went wrong with my first marriage, and I learned from the many mistakes I made, she made, we made. Armed with that knowledge, why should getting remarried worry me at all?