Me and my friend are walking home... Then, suddenly, COUGARS!

[Uncle Sam]

I know, I know; another drunken Sam thread. I'm a little bit more pissed than last time too, so that means both less entertainment and less cohesion. Joy of joys.

Anyway, me and my mate are walking past a kebab shop. The three women, in their thirties at least, either notice my friend's lack of shoes or our collective lack of age.

"You don't have any shoes on!"
"That's because they cut the back of my feet, see? I'm still holding them in my hands."
*Painfully long talk - which my friend, not me, maintains - in which, holy crap, it's revealed they used to go to the same school as me, many years before. I don't know whether to run or vomit. Or both. Slightly more attractive cougar puts her arm around me, suddenly sounding Australian*
"Your mate is embarrassing you, isn't he?"
"[No. In fact, I'm really jonesing for some thirty plus year old pussy, miss] Yes, he is."

Yeah, um, we escaped eventually. I'm no good at stories.

I'm not against cougars, it's just that I kept seeing Vickie Guerrero in my head. It's not that I wouldn't fuck Vickie, it's just how I'd be betraying Eddie.

MEANWHILE: My closest friend attempts to make amends with the ex-girlfriend he cheated on (and so despises him to the point she said "DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING DRINK" this very evening) somewhere else, but we can't find him. The guilt piles on. Mind you, the cunt still has my iPod.

 

[JGlass]

Was slightly more attractive cougar attractive, or just more attractive than the other ones?

 

[Uncle Sam]

I'd hit it, but I'm hardly the most picky when it comes to women. She seemed nice enough and there was plenty of cushion for pushin' (that's the rhyme, yeah?), so I'd gladly put my dick in it. This, however, would have killed my boner completely:

"Hey Sam, watchoo doi-- OHMYGODSTOPFUCKINGMYWIFE!"

 

[Leafy]

I was hoping for a story where you had to outrun a pack of cougars that escaped from the zoo.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I was hoping for a story where you had to outrun a pack of cougars that escaped from the zoo.

That's essentially the same story.

 

[Uncle Sam]

"Christian is pretty boring. Randy Orton isn't."

Seth deserves a slap. That's pretty much what my sig is saying. Glad we cleared that up.

 

[Leafy]

I'm glad you escaped without one of you being eaten.

Or you eating out them.

 

[JGlass]

I understood what it was all about Sam. Christian cut a hell of a promo to open up Smackdown tonight.

 

[Daniel]

"Christian is pretty boring. Randy Orton isn't."

Seth deserves a slap. That's pretty much what my sig is saying. Glad we cleared that up.

Wrestling is completely subjective. One man's trash is another man's treasure and all that. I happen to find Christian very boring as a face. Randy Orton, less so. As a heel, Christian is fucking phenomenal. But I wrote that when he was a face.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I'm glad you escaped without one of you being eaten.

Or you eating out them.

There was some mention of eating. I can't remember what, but I could have totally replied with "I'll eat you out!" or some such and got some cougar pussy. But I'm a gentleman.

I understood what it was all about Sam. Christian cut a hell of a promo to open up Smackdown tonight.

I saw it earlier. I was going to say it was promo of the year material but, seeing as KB decided CM Punk (good) promos were not to be considered last year, I decided to keep quiet.

I'm watching some movie where a wall came to life and talked and some dude FU'd a lesbian. I'm FREAKING OUT.

 

[Uncle Sam]

Wrestling is completely subjective. One man's trash is another man's treasure and all that. I happen to find Christian very boring as a face. Randy Orton, less so.

Somebody give this man a slap. A subjective slap though. A subjective slap.

Or a power slam. Those are neat.

 

[Dr. Stinger A. Zoidberg]

Cougars... Cougars everywhere!

 

[Uncle Sam]

Cougars... Cougars everywhere!

The bar across from the kebab shop is cougar central on a Friday night. I made the mistake of telling others this. Poorly thought out.

This movie is using the same music as when the raptors attack in Jurassic Park. Christ.

 

[Daniel]

Somebody give this man a slap. A subjective slap though. A subjective slap.

Or a power slam. Those are neat.

There is nothing I can really say to that.

 

[Uncle Sam]

You're damn right. Power slams are neat. CM Punk uses them, they must be. I was massively disappointed when Punk and Orton didn't have a power slam-off.

What's a power slam?

 

[Leafy]

a professional wrestling body slam move in which the wrestler performing the slam falls face-down on top of his/her opponent.

 

[Uncle Sam]

a professional wrestling body slam move in which the wrestler performing the slam falls face-down on top of his/her opponent.

That's kind of vague but I'll accept it.

Now I'm watching a biography about somebody called Carlos. Would you lookit that. Oh, Carlos Santana. That's neat.

 

[Lee]

Did she get a taxi back to Scotland?

 

[Dave]

I'd double team with Sam.

 

[Uncle Sam]

Her accent was all over the place so it's plausible.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I'm going to bed now. I'll dream of cougars and Mr. Blobby and not having my iPod.

 

[Xemmy]

I'm glad you managed to escape Sam. God knows she just wanted your flesh and youth so that she may live another century.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I've seen Tangled. Goodness knows she just wanted to sign to my magic hair to restore her youth. Sick bitch.

MEANWHILE: My closest friend attempts to make amends with the ex-girlfriend he cheated on (and so despises him to the point she said "DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING DRINK" this very evening) somewhere else, but we can't find him. The guilt piles on. Mind you, the cunt still has my iPod.

I wonder how this went. I don't have my iPod back yet.

 

[Mighty NorCal]

I know, I know; another drunken Sam thread. I'm a little bit more pissed than last time too, so that means both less entertainment and less cohesion. Joy of joys.

Anyway, me and my mate are walking past a kebab shop. The three women, in their thirties at least, either notice my friend's lack of shoes or our collective lack of age.

"You don't have any shoes on!"
"That's because they cut the back of my feet, see? I'm still holding them in my hands."
*Painfully long talk - which my friend, not me, maintains - in which, holy crap, it's revealed they used to go to the same school as me, many years before. I don't know whether to run or vomit. Or both. Slightly more attractive cougar puts her arm around me, suddenly sounding Australian*
"Your mate is embarrassing you, isn't he?"
"[No. In fact, I'm really jonesing for some thirty plus year old pussy, miss] Yes, he is."

Yeah, um, we escaped eventually. I'm no good at stories.

I'm not against cougars, it's just that I kept seeing Vickie Guerrero in my head. It's not that I wouldn't fuck Vickie, it's just how I'd be betraying Eddie.

MEANWHILE: My closest friend attempts to make amends with the ex-girlfriend he cheated on (and so despises him to the point she said "DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING DRINK" this very evening) somewhere else, but we can't find him. The guilt piles on. Mind you, the cunt still has my iPod.

You know. I cant help seeing this story going differently had I been involved. Either alongside you, or with my New Jersey guys

 

[Uncle Sam]

As can I.