In the downtime between shows Mikey and I try to make an effort to hang out, it had been way too long since wed hung out properly and so our first full day back after the tapings we headed to a small diner about nine miles away on the highway. Sams was a contradiction in design, the feel of a fifties diner with the sheen and polish of Hollywood; all it needed was a greaser by the jukebox and it wouldve been like walking into Als.
Our booth was by the door, that way I could pop outside quickly for a smoke without some douche-bag implying I was giving him emphysema. The red leather cushions were as soft as the material allowed, though the tell-tale squeak of real leather was noticeably absent. The waitress made her way over to us.
Whats your order? The waitress leant in towards us; she had the body of a porn star and the face of a meth addict. She looked like the business had chewed her up and spat her out ten years ago.
Ill have a breakfast, no tomatoes and a coffee I replied, not noticing that the thing also had fried mushrooms, they were like little spongy bombs of grease when they were cooked badly and this was not a place that didnt fry mushrooms. I had hesitated near the entrance when I noticed that you couldnt see the kitchen, but wed trekked this far since Mikey had become a bit of a regular.
Hey Mikey The waitress said, she had a charm about her, even if she looked like a girl whod blow you for $5 and give you change. What you having today my favourite superstar?
Mikey was squirming in his chair, deliberately avoiding eye contact. The works, with a milkshake.
The butter-faced waitress made her way to the hatch, her softly spoken customer service voice transforming into an unearthly shriek, so horrific was the voice that it was almost impossible to decipher.
Wow, man. She really has a thing for you. I chuckled as I leant back in the pleather.
Nah, shes like that with everyone. Mikey smiled as he spoke, he turned towards the window as he spoke.
Yeah. Well she is a waitress after all. I said with the smuggest grin I could muster.
Asshole... Why we at this diner anyway? You hate diner food.
Well, we need to go scope out some churches. Dinahs family are super catholic, theyll disown her or drag her to hell or something if Oliver isnt baptised.
Theyll drag her to hell? Jeez guy, theyre Catholics, not gypsies.
Yeah, well anyway. Theyve been bugging us constantly asking when were doing it ever since he was born. So I figured you and I can go and scout out some locations.
Great, so were about to have a match with hierophants and youre taking us to a church.
Hierophants? When did you eat a dictionary?
Huh? Oh theyre from Warhammer 40k, its all religion in there so I figured thats what a hierophant is.
Instantly I ripped my phone out of my pocket. A quick search later and I found out that hierophants are people who bring a congregation to a holy site.
Wow, good call man. The Sacrificial Altar are hierophants. Whodve known?
Uh, I did...
A brief argument ensued in which Mikey insisted he knew what hierophant meant to begin with but used Warhammer so as not to insult me by using a word I didnt understand. I got mad, real mad and ended up going for a cigarette, as I left some guy yelled at me for being too close to the door.
By the time Id returned to the diner the waitress was back, with plates in her hands Mikeys meal, I say meal but I mean a Krakatau of food, was already being eaten by the time I sat down. I thanked the waitress, so did Mikey, I think. As I watched a man eat a plate of food the size of a baby I pawed at mine, unsurprisingly Mikey had finished before me.
Hey man I said as I played with the scrambled eggs on my plate whats our plan for The Sacrificial Altar anyway? I mean, weve challenged them to a match but what now?
Well, first things first we need to beat the goons this week. Westhoff and D.C. shouldnt be too hard, you beat D.C. this week, I just need to take care of Jacobs.
Westhoff, you need to take care of Westhoff
Yeah, sorry they all blur into one.
D.C. wasnt so straight forward though bud, he took me closer to the edge than Idve liked to have been. If he hadnt given me space I wouldnt have beaten him, also neither of us has ever beaten Westhoff.
Its different now, last time we didnt know what to expect, Westhoff and Jacobs caught us napping.
I know man, but we still have to get things right. If we lose its going to be deflating for us, we cant lose. We cant afford it. We're better than them and that's all there is to it. We can beat them. Once we're done today we'll go hit the gym, we need to be ready for whatever crazy ideas they throw at us.
I finished my last mouthful of food as Mikey placed his empty coffee cup on the table.
Wheres this church anyway?
Its the Cathedral of Saint Mary of the Assumption.
Sorry its the what?
Its the cathedral in the city centre.
Then why the hell are we on the highway then?
I figured Id get a meal in you before I asked you something.
You have a girlfriend, and a son. Also Im not gay.
Ha ha, very funny no, me and Dinah were talking. Wed like you to be Olivers godfather.
Godfather? What like Marlon Brando, I know Im fat but, come on.
It means youd officially be his uncle, and if anything happened to me and Dinah hed be in your custody. I had trailed off at the end, my speech growing increasingly rapid.
Did you just say Id have to take care of Oliver if you died?
Yeah, I mean assuming were not all in some horrifying car crash or something.
Uh, I dont know if I can do that.
Youd be third on the list
THIRD ON THE LIST!? Mikey yelled as I continued talking over him.
Family takes precedence, in all honesty its meaningless but I needed to tell you that could be a thing that happens.
Third on the list? Mikey paused for a minute, before looking up. When we going to see the penguin?
Firstly its a cathedral, not a nunnery. Second were going straight away Elwood, well as soon as we get our suits on.
Suits?
Were meeting a priest. I thought it would be better than if I went wearing my jeans and Jesus is a... uh, yeah the really blasphemous hoodie.
I thought it was strange that you werent wearing it to the diner.
Anyway, lets get cleaned up and head out to the cathedral.
As I stood there in my suit, waiting on the bonnet I lit a cigarette. I felt like Mister Blonde and the Sacrificial Altar still had both of its ears. I figure its time to quit barking and start biting.