Signal Panic, Inc. presents
Action Saxton
in
"Blood, Sweat, & Tears!"
"
So," the courier at the door says, "
I'm sure you'll be wondering who your opponent is for this week."
He hands
Action Saxton an envelope. The Badass Brother takes it, slides it open, and looks inside.
"
What? Aw, hell yes!" The room at large turns to look at Saxton, who closes the door and turns to the room. "
Suckas, I know exactly what this movie is going to be about!"
"
You mean we're starting from the top?" the
portly man asks.
"
That's right, sucka," Action Saxton replies, pointing at the wobbling individual. "
Audiences nowadays want true stories, and ain't nothin' truer than a movie about my feud with that sucka Alex Bowen."
"
Did it involve ninjas?" the man asks.
"
Sucka, everything involves ninjas!" Saxton says, "
but no, this battle contained fewer ninjas than usual."
"
What about fighting?" asks a woman.
"
More fightin' than you'll ever believe," Saxton replies. "
This whole story was nothin' but blood, sweat, and tears. I think we got some gold in our hands, and we gotta strike while the timing is right. Y'all meet me back here in a few days, because right now, I got a movie to shoot."
He turns on his heel and walks out the door, leaving S.H.I.T. alone with the people.
----
One week later, Action Saxton stands behind the projector of a dark movie theater, dressed in a fine and expensive-looking purple suit, sunglasses on as he watches the focus groups crowd into the theater. He smiles.
S.H.I.T. inquires as to the reason behind its presence.
"
Because, sucka," Action Saxton replies to
S.H.I.T., who is standing to the left of the Badass Brother, "
I need your audience-reading functions to see what these suckas think!"
And why is S.H.I.T. attired in this manner?
Action Saxton turns to S.H.I.T., whose cardboard features are clothed in a snazzy custom-fit black shirt and white jacket, a large gold medallion hanging from his neck. A large afro wig hs been clumsily placed on his head.
"
You're looking good, sucka," Action Saxton says. "
Nobody comes to an advance screening of my movies unless they comin' in style, you dig?"
S.H.I.T does not 'dig'!
"
You gotta look good for the ladies, sucka. Don't you want to pick up some fine-ass Love Boxes?"
Bad command or file name!
Action Saxton sighs and turns back to the projector. "
Sucka, just analyze this audience for me. It's showtime."
He threads the reel into the projector, spins it, and after making sure the audience was in their seats and ready to watch, set the projector to go.
The movie began.
----
I wanna tell you a story about some friends I had.
They're some mean m'suckas and they're super bad!
You can sit back if you want, but there ain't no relaxin'
Not in the stories of Alex Bowen and Action Saxton.
The tiny arena in Poca, West Virginia, was packed to its small brim in cheering fans, hoping to see a live WZCW event. The camera panned around, highlighting signs the fans brought - "Where's Titus?" "Australia is First Class!" "Anita Refund!". The overall feeling in the arena was that of excitement and anticipation. A small "We Want Burna" chant broke out between pockets of fans.
Then, some music played.
"The following contest is scheduled for one fall!" WZCW's resident announcer, Truman Harrys, said.
"Introducing first, from wherever he damn well pleases, weighing in tonight at 270 lbs., Action Saxton!"
The general response to the man now sparring his way down the dimly-lit ramp was lukewarm, with a few audience members cheering or muttering amongst themselves, trying to deduce whether it was the same Action Saxton with several Blackademy Awards to his name. As he rolled into the ring and sparred with the air, a voiceover began.
"
My name is Action Saxton, and this is my story."
The scene faded to Action Saxton himself, sitting in the center of a square room with muted grey velvet curtains barely covering the stone walls of the place. The legs of the oak stool that Action Saxton is seated on are covered in paint splatters of an indeterminate color. Saxton looked around at the room, and chuckled.
"
It's funny, this place," he said. "
This is the place where I sent my message to Alex Bowen before we first met for the Mayhem Championship at Redemption. I smashed a stool much like this one against a wall. I was new to wrestling back then, attacking suckas and bein' attacked, but loving every minute of it. I competed in special challenges, birthday bashes, and battle royals to get my shot."
As he spoke, images and video filled the screen. Action Saxon pinning Mr. Baller to win Bowen's Challenge. Alex Bowen and Action Saxton teaming against Brothers In Arms, posing, trying to outdo each other, only for the then-champions to win. The two brawling.
"
I made my WZCW debut in January of 2011 and I have had a hell of a time. Every week, I have cheering fans surroundin' me, pretty mamas talkin' to me, and good friends who want to kick it with me. I get to kick ass and look good doin' it. It's a dream job. But suckas, you know that there is always someone out there who wants to stop the dream."
Redemption. The crowd was electric for this hotly-anticipated match between the two stars, and it did not disappoint. As the two men started by throwing left and right hooks, the crowd chanted along with them. Eventually, Bowen gained the advantage and dove for a weapon, a frying pan. As Saxton got to his feet, Bowen with fire in his eyes brought the frying pan down with a crack that echoed throughout the arena. The crowd roared as Bowen went for the cover, and roared even louder when Action Saxton kicked out. This continued, the two trading shot after shot, blood flowing freely, until finally Alex Bowen jumped to the second rope, grabbing Action Saxton off of the top turnbuckle and driving him through a television. Alex Bowen went for the cover - One! Two! Three!
"
It was one of the darkest days of my whole damn life."
The footage faded back to Saxton.
"
I know I have had a lot of dark days in my life, but believe me, suckas, I have had a lot of bright ones as well. That one, though, that one is darker than most. I promised Marce I'd bring home the belt for her. I promised I'd use the extra cash to help fix up the bar. I made so many promises, and if there's one thing Action Saxton is damn good at, it is keeping his promises, and if there is one thing Action Saxton hates, it's breaking them."
The Badass Brother leaned forward.
"
When my head was driven through that TV and I heard the ref count the three, that was when I knew things had to change."
The scene transitions to Action Saxton in a purple hoodie jogging in time with some men dressed as ninjas. As he passed them, he clotheslined them one-by-one. The jog continued until he arrived at the arena for Meltdown 58.
Inside the arena, Black Dragon and The Agony were brawling, much to the delight of the crowd. Black Dragon knocked Agony unconscious as Sam Masters and Ale ran out to take out the dragon.
"Hold up, suckas!"
The crowd cheered as Action Saxton stepped out onto the stage, microphone in hand.
"We got some crazy stuff goin' on in this match, and I don't know about Sammy or Ale, but you can bet I'll want to be introduced for this!"
The crowd cheers louder as Action Saxton struts down the ramp.
"Introducing next, straight from yo' mama's bedroom, weighing in at a delicious and delectable 270 pounds of pure machismo, the Badass Brother, Action Saxton!"
The match continued with shot after shot, men's heads bouncing off of the barricades, wild brawls breaking out, and more. The Black Dragon and Saxton work in tandem, taking out Masters and Ale, while at the same time trying to one-up each other, until finally they are the only two left in the ring. They faced each other, staring each other down for a few moments, before leaping at each other, throwing lefts, rights, kicks, and more. Finally, Black Dragon grabbed a chair, turned around, and took the full fury of Action Saxton's Black Lightning crane kick to the face. Action Saxton went for the cover and the crowd counted the pin. One. Two. Three.
"
That is where my road to Redemption truly started," said the voiceover of Saxton. "
That is when I knew I would finally be able to get my revenge on that sucka and show him once and for all what the Badass Brother can do."
The scene changed again to Action Saxton going round after round with a speedbag. Wiping the sweat off his brow, he walked over to a set of five boards perched on some cinderblocks. With a kung-fu scream, he sent his hand crashing into the boards, chopping them in two. He shook the splinters out of his hand, and smiled.
A ninja jumped through the window of his training room, but Action Saxton effortlessly snapped a foot up to catch the ninja in the face. The ninja went flying, and Action Saxton reached offscreen to grab a smoothie and take a sip.
The next few scenes passed quickly. Action Saxton lifting weights. Action Saxton teaming with Alex Bowen to lose against Holmes and Constantine on Ascension 34, Action Saxton sparring with a man in a rhino suit, settling on Action Saxton defeating Baez. The referee counted the pin, but before Action Saxton had the chance to celebrate, Alex Bowen stepped out on the ramp to point and speak.
"
That sucka said my ego was big and that I didn't have a chance against him. Called himself the King of Mayhem and said that at Apocalypse, me and him were goin' to fight in a barbed wire match. And I looked that sucka right in the eye and told him that that was just the way I wanted it."
The scene changed again to the town center of Scott's Bottom, Wyoming, the place Action Saxton calls home. In front of a large crowd, Action Saxton made a speech declaring he would win every championship in WZCW, starting with Alex Bowen's Mayhem Championship.
"
That's still a goal I hold to this day, but the time was not right. I had to focus on what was right in front of me, and that, suckas, was Alex Bowen."
The scene changed again, this time to Action Saxton pummeling an oddly-lumpy punching bag. With a particularly brutal shot, the punching bag ripped open to reveal that it had been stuffed with barbed wire.
Next to the Fontana Di Trevi in Rome, Action Saxton jumped rope with a roll of barbed wire. He counted as he did so, allowing the barbs to cut through his hand in order to callous, his numbers reaching the thousands.
With an arm wrapped in barbed wire, Action Saxton delivered a massive clothesline to a ninja-shaped training dummy. He winced as the barbs cut into his arm, but hardened up and continued to train.
Finally, he stood outside the arena.
"
It was time for my redemption at Apocalypse."
The crowd cheered as Action Saxton walked down the ramp, eyes fixated on the barbed wire, and cheered just as loudly as Alex Bowen entered holding his championship high. The two stared at each other, the tension able to be cut with a knife. Finally, they locked up, Saxton backing Bowen into a corner. Bowen managed to escape, and the brawl began.
"
You know, sometimes suckas ask me what was goin' through my mind during that match."
Action Saxton yelled as Bowen brought down the barbed wire table onto his back, blood already starting to flow. Bowen drove the table into Saxton's back once more.
"
'What was it like, Action Saxton? What was it like to be surrounded by all that metal and blood?'"
Alex Bowen picked up the bat wrapped in barbed wire and swing for the fences.
"
And I always answer it the same way. I was only thinkin' of one thing in that match."
The barbs buried themselves into Saxton's arm, and the crowd groaned. With a scream of rage, Saxton ripped the bat out from his arm, tearing a chunk of skin off in the process.
"
I was only thinkin' about winning."
Saxton hit a big back body drop through the barbed wire table. Metal, wood, and blood flew everywhere as the crowd screamed. Action Saxton went for the cover. One! Two! Kickout!
"
I wasn't thinkin' about the pain. I wasn't thinkin' about the wire. I wasn't thinkin' about the blood. All I knew is that I wanted to win."
Action Saxton dragged a barbed wire board to the corner and put Alex Bowen on the top turnbuckle, but before he could do anything, Alex Bowen hit Saxton with a vicious low blow. Saxton was reeling, the crowd on their feet as Bowen ascended the turnbuckle.
"
Hell, maybe it wasn't even that."
The crowd screamed and roared as Bowen hit Action Saxton hit Ride The Lightning, sending Saxton's entire body through the board, burying the barbs into his already bloody and injured back. Bowen goes for the cover.
One!
"
I didn't just want to win that match."
Two! The crowd is jumping up and down, chanting, screaming, crying, in awe of the brutality they had witnessed.
"
I had to."
Three!
The screen cut to black.
The credits began to roll.
----
There seems to be discontent amongst the human subjects!
S.H.I.T.'s analysis of the situation is, in fact, correct. As the credits roll, a loud booing is heard in the theater.
"
Damn!" Saxton swears. "
Sucka, take your funky cardboard ass down there and figure out why they be booing!"
Exterminate?
"
No, sucka!" barks Saxton. "
No one exterminates at my movie screenings! Just ask them why they didn't like it!"
S.H.I.T. walks down to the entrance of the theater. He spies
a skinny teenager with a camera around his neck staring at his phone and texting.
Status report!
The teenager looks up. "
Oh, uh, are you one of those, uh, demographic machines?" he asks.
Affirmative!
"
Oh, uh, well, I didn't like the ending," he says. "
It was lame."
S.H.I.T. inquires this of several others, all of whom express similar sentiments. S.H.I.T. walks back up to Action Saxton.
The ending was unsatisfactory!
Action Saxton frowns. "
Hell yeah, it was unsatisfactory," he says, "
but it was true to life! Action Saxton don't tell no lies!"
The consensus is that a happy ending would be more palatable!
Action Saxton crosses his large arms. "
Damn, I want people to enjoy my flicks, but a happy ending just ain't possible with this."
Defeat of Alex Bowen would ensure positivity!
"
Sucka, if you were in my position, what would you do?"
S.H.I.T. exists only to destroy!
"
That's it!" Action Saxton's face lights up at the robot's words. He walks down the stairs, S.H.I.T. in pursuit, until he runs into the boy with the camera from earlier. The boy looks up and jumps backwards when he realizes who is standing in front of him.
"
Sucka," Saxton says, "
I can see from your camera that you are clearly a reporter for the latest celebrity gossip website."
"
Actually, I run a Youtube ch-"
"
And that, sucka, is why I need you to turn on your video-recording device and record my message to Alex Bowen!"
"
Um, okay," the skinny youth says, fumbling with his camera. finally, he presses a button and the little red light turns on. Action Saxton arches an eyebrow and looks over his sunglasses into the lens. He inhales, and then he speaks.
"
Alex Bowen," he says. "
You and I, sucka, we've been through some battles. Hell, we been through some wars. We traded weapon shot after weapon shot, and every time, you came out on top. But this time, sucka, this time things will be different.
You see, sucka, I been thinkin'. I touched on it when I teamed with my boy Saboteur to take on you and Cooper, but I still believe that when it comes to the ring, I have spent my days bustin' my ass to get better, while you have been coastin' along. You got a good skill set, but let me tell you, sucka, this ain't goin' to be the same Action Saxton that you got in the ring with before.
This Action Saxton ain't the cocky young rookie from two years ago. This Action Saxton ain't the guy who only cares about fun and friendship. This Action Saxton may still be smooth-talkin' and stylin', but in the ring, sucka, this Action Saxton is all business.
Last time you and I fought one on one, it was under your terms, in your matches. S.H.I.T., confirm this for me. Is this correct?"
Affirmative!
"
But this time, sucka, I ain't gettin' in the ring with you. You are gettin' in the ring with me. You are gettin' in the ring with a man who has held this grudge for two years and would like to do nothin' more than to clear it for good. You are gettin' in the ring with a former tag team champion who ain't afraid of gettin' blood on his knuckles. You are gettin' in the ring who every day for two years has been asked when he's finally goin' to get his chance at kicking Alex Bowen's ass. Well, sucka, that day has come."
Action Saxton blows on his knuckles, first his left, and then his right.
"
You may once have been the king of Mayhem, but when it comes to straight-up fist-fighting, I invented the word. My kung fu skills makes others ill. The man of action puts suckas in traction. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Unfortunately, I think some suckas don't."
Action Saxton points to the people still leaving the theater looking disappointed.
"
You see those suckas, Bowen? Those are the people I disappointed every day for the last two years because of that loss to you. Those are the suckas who look at me and see a man who couldn't do it, a man who is nothing but some goofy sucka who likes to spend time with a man in spandex babysitting aliens. They don't know, sucka, they don't know how dangerous I am, and I can place that blame on you.
You see, sucka, you defeating me sent me into a spiral I ain't ever been able to get out of. But the time has come at last. I have been training every damn day for the time we finally met again, and now it's just around the corner."
Action Saxton pats S.H.I.T. on his cardboard back with a clunking sound.
"
Sucka, when I get in the ring, you ain't going to be facing cocky rookie Action Saxton. You ain't going to be facing popular movie star Action Saxton. Hell, you ain't even going to be facing Saboteur's friend Action Saxton. When you get in the ring, you are going to be facing kung-fu master and pro wrestler Action Saxton. Two hundred and seventy pounds of muscle and skill, ready and waiting to rip you apart. And when I hit you with the Black Lightning, it'll be like the last two years never even happened.
You see, sucka, and this is something I think a lot of people forget, me and my square friend here, we ain't so different."
Action Saxton places his sunglasses in his pocket.
"
You listen up, sucka, and you listen up good," he says. "
In the ring, Action Saxton exists only to destroy.
Now can you dig it?"
He puts his sunglasses on and walks off, leaving the nervous youth alone with the robot.
