MD71: Runn Reynolds Runn vs. Action Saxtion and Saboteur

[Ty Burna]

Austin Reynolds is back in action this week, teaming up with his partner Ricky Runn to face the dynamic duo of Action Saxton and Saboteur who didn't start on the right foot heading into Kingdom Come as they lost to the Apostles of Chaos. This week however, Saxton & Saboteur have the opportunity to take down the WZCW Tag Team Champions and if they are successful, they could possibly become the number one contenders for the titles at Kingdom Come IV. Will the BFF's find a way into the title match or will the RRR Express show why they are the best of the tag team division?

Deadline is Wednesday, April 4th at 11:59 PM EST.​

 

[GI Cake]

The Dallas Stadium is filled to the brim with awe-inspired fans for the biggest event in WZCW history, Kingdom Come. Ricky Runn stands backstage with both Austin and his title draped over his shoulders. Reynolds and Ricky have just won their match at Kingdom Come and Ricky is covered in sweat. Johnny Klamor walks up to him with a mic in hand. Ricky is talking with a medical trainer. His face with a look of concern as he tries to enter the trainer’s room, Johnny taps Runn’s shoulder and asks boldly.

“So congratulations Runn Reynolds Runn, you have successfully defended your titles in a Tag Team gauntlet match against the Full House Daves, the Devil-Spawns, the Sons of Destiny, and every member of the Apostles of Chaos. And Ricky, once again you stepped up to the plate when Reynolds was knocked out cold by a chair shot from Scott Hammond.”

Ricky looks over his shoulder to the trainer’s door before looking back to Johnny Klamor. He takes a deep breath and responds.

“Well Johnny, it wasn’t an easy battle, and I couldn’t have done it without not only my fellow tag team champion, but my friend. If it wasn’t for him, I would most likely be at home with a busted up neck, unable to compete anymore. My childhood dream of having a match in Kingdom Come would have been just that, a dream. When Reynolds was carried out of the match, I owed it to him to win it for him.”

Johnny nods his head nods his head and listens intently and then continues.

“And here is the question everyone is asking. After your performance tonight, would you safely say that you become the better of you and Austin?”

Ricky pops an eyebrow and ask concerned.

“Wait a minute, I don’t understand the question.”

Johnny Klamor smiles and continues.

“You know what I am talking about Ricky, would you say the student has finally become the master in your tag team? That Austin has no more to teach you, and that he is now the side-kick to the tag team?”

Ricky shakes his head and says confused.

“What, no! Of course not…Well I mean…This conversation is over. I’m going to check on Austin. We can continue this interview another time.”

As soon as Ricky opens the trainer’s door though, he is greeted with a steel chair to the face! Ricky falls onto the ground and tries to hold up his hand as the chair shots are rained down upon him. The figure behind the assault is unknown until he finally steps out of the door. It was Austin Reynolds, with a cold, dark look upon his face. He kneels down and says in a harsh whisper.

“You…You will never be better than me.”

Austin then drops the chair next to Ricky and walks off. The trainer quickly runs up to check on Ricky.

[youtube]FEKEjpTzB0Q[/youtube]


Ricky’s alarm goes off with Kanye playing loudly. Ricky jumps awake from not only his alarm, but his disturbing dream. Ricky wipes his face and looks about his apartment. Ricky then says under his breath.

“Ok good, it was all a dream…Just a dream.”

Ricky then gets up to sit on his bed. He turns off his alarm clock and then gets up to look out his window. He takes in a deep breath before having Rachael suddenly appear behind him.

“What’s wrong Ricky, had a bad dream?”

Ricky sighs and turns around and says still half-asleep.

“Do you ever sleep Rachael? You’re like the Energizer Bunny.”

“Well I don’t really need sleep, now do I?”

Ricky shakes his head and walks out of the bedroom and into his kitchen. He grabs a bowl from the counter and then a box of Fruity Pebbles and begins to make himself some breakfast. Rachael goes to the living room right next to the kitchen and says smiling.

“So tell me about your nightmare? Come on, sounds really interesting.”

Ricky shakes his head and responds quickly.

“No.”

Rachael pouts and crosses her arms.

“Aww, why not I can’t really tell anybody so you don’t have to worry about that.”

“No, besides, I can barely remember it. It was just a bad dream anyway.”

Rachael looks over to Ricky and stares at his face. She grins and then proclaims.

“Oh my, this dream was about someone cheating on you, wasn’t it?”

Ricky cocks his head and looks up at Rachael and says defensively.

“What? No, how on earth did you come up with that?”

Rachael continues grinning as she walks over to the kitchen counter.

“You had that look back in High School when you thought you heard about Jennifer Cross was cheating on you.”

Ricky smiles and shakes his head as he pours in the milk to his cereal.

“Yeah, don’t remind me.”

Rachael gasps and says loudly.

“Oh my, and then you found out you were right and she was cheating on you! My bad.”

Ricky laughs and walks with his bowl to the couch and sits down and begins eating. He looks up to Rachel and says smiling.

“Yeah, that was like, 4 years ago. It is all in the past.”

Rachael nods and sits next to Ricky and says.

“So then what was your dream about? Surely it wasn’t about Jennifer...”

Ricky continues eating his cereal in silence before muttering out.

“It was a weird dream, it was at Kingdom Come…Austin attacked me after we won our match…It was so strange.”

Rachael tilts her head and says softly.

“Not as bad as having Jennifer cheat on you, but that is something scary to think about…Do you think Austin will betray you?”

Ricky laughs and shakes his head and puts his bowl don the counter.

“Austin Reynolds is better than that, he wouldn’t break up the RRR express for no reason. None that I can think of any way, it is stupid thinking about it.”

Rachael sighs and says softly.

“Well, that is exactly what you said about Jennifer, and look what happened there.”

Ricky then looks over to Rachael and goes.

“Well what is Austin going to benefit from stabbing me in the back? Come Kingdom Come, he is contemplating retirement, or maybe. Thing is, why would he want to storm out of WZCW with digging a knife in my back?”

Rachael then continues.

“Well what if Reynolds plans on staying after Kingdom Come? And his plans don’t include you?”

Ricky stretches his arms out and continues.

“Once again, Reynolds is better than that. If he wanted to quit the team, he would tell me, and I wouldn’t hold it against him. He knows that, I know that. We are the best tag team in the division because we can trust each other with our backs. It something Stantime learned, Mind Over Matter learned, and something the Sons of Destiny found out. We are above doing something as petty like throwing each other through barbershop windows.”

Rachel then begins to speak to Ricky as he leans over to begin eating his cereal.

“Well Ricky, I guess that is good to hear. But what if you want to leave Runn Reynolds Runn? Hell, like you said, Reynolds isn’t going to be around forever. What if you see your moment for glory, and the only thing holding you back is Austin, what happens when you see that? And what if Austin sees that too? What would you do?”

Ricky doesn’t respond to the question and gets back up to put his bowl into the kitchen sink. He looks back at Rachael and says defensively, lashing out at Rachael.

“Alright Rachael you know what, I don’t need to think about that right now. I got too much on my plate right now with Kingdom Come, the Sons of Destiny and keeping up with all these new tag teams coming out of the wood work to worry about the ifs with Austin and Reynolds. From what I have been hearing in the backstage, five tag teams have been formed this week. And they all have one goal in mind, they want to take the tag titles away from Austin and I. You know how much pressure that is? When Reynolds sat me down, and told me how much it takes to be a champion. I took it with a grain of salt, but with all these teams walking around the backstage, that target on ours backs keep growing and growing. And with a spot on the card for Kingdom Come for the tag titles doesn’t help anything either. All these young teams, Strikeforce, the Kings of Hate, and the Shaolin Jacks, even the not so young teams like the B.L.T are on my radar.”

Ricky sighs and finally calms down, he looks over to Rachael who now has a sad look on her face. and rolls his eye and sits next to her. He looks over and puts his hands on his lap and say softly.

“Sorry…I’m really sorry Rachael, but I’m under a large amount of stress now, between Kingdom Come, the Sons, and Austin’s health, it, it is a lot more than I thought I was going to get when I entered this business that is for sure. All this traveling, all the charity events, all the shows, and even the workouts with Austin, I’m just getting way too wired up.”

Rachael simply nods her head and says with a gentle smile.

“Don’t worry Ricky, I understand, this isn’t High School, this is a career. You need to devote your life to this. I understand why you would be a little stressed out. “

Ricky rests his head on the back of the couch, looking up at his apartment ceiling and says with a sigh.

“And next week is huge, on Ascension Reynolds and I will be facing Saboteur and Action Saxton. These two are the craziest dudes I have ever met, without a doubt. Back in my debut on Ascension, Saboteur and I teamed up to face Chris K.O and Johnny Scumm. But Chris walked out on Scumm, so naturally Saboteur and I took advantage of the situation. I got to make a splash in WZCW with a win. And I owe a lot of that to Saboteur. He did his research on Scumm, and Chris. He laid out a game plan, and made a strategy to kill both Scumm and Chris….Naturally I did a little nitpicking in that plan and changed it to simply getting the pinfall.”

“That doesn’t change the fact Saboteur is crazy though?”

Ricky nods and climbs off his couch, he gets up and moves to the outside view of his Apartment. He rests against the ledge and says confidently.

“Of course not, but that means we can’t underestimate him. You don’t really know what is going on in his head, you may think he is just rabbling on about 70’s sitcoms and Michael Jackson Albums, but in the backburner of his he is working up a master plan in beating anyone he steps in the ring with. And during that tournament for the number one contender spot for the World title match at Unscripted, he was absolutely on fire and was firing on all cylinders. If Gordito didn’t win it, he was easily a close second. And don’t even get me started on Action Saxton. He is the epitome of cool. He’s fought ninjas, space pirates, and has even managed to get Saboteur to be his BFF. His kung-fu is a force to be reckoned with. And if these two can beat Reynolds and I on Ascension, they could get a match with us at Kingdom Come with the titles on the line. Needless to say, we need to knock them off early. And you can only imagine what they would do for the RRR Express’s momentum heading into Kingdom Come? It is absolutely critical we gather as many wins as we can before Kingdom Come. Runn Reynolds Runn are tag team champions! We need to show that no matter how great a team can potentially be but that they can’t beat a well-oiled team like!~

Suddenly, Ricky's phone blasts "Showstopper" by Toby Mac. That quickly told Ricky that he it was Austin Reynolds. Ricky was hesitant to answering the phone. Flashes of his nightmare came flooding his mind as he looked down at the caller I.D. He takes a quick glance at Rachael, hoping she would add her two cents to what to do. She simply makes a gesture of pulling the phone to her ear. Ricky nods and picks up the phone and then clears his throat.

"Ohh, sup Austin, how are you doing, man?"

Nervousness was evident in Ricky's tone. He couldn't had the nervousness in his voice.

"Hey Ricky, I was wondering where you were you have been. You missed our morning Cardio. Know you got to make up on lost time."

Austin voice sounded a bit bothered. It is hard to describe other than it being out of the normal. It wasn't sickly, but it wasn't a healthy tone. Nor was it a normal tone. His tone bothered Ricky, it put Ricky further on edge.

"Oh wow, for real? I didn't even notice the time. Alright man, I will make my way to the gym right now. Should I scoop up some footage of Saboteur and Saxton before I get there?"

"No no, I got plenty of tapes of Saboteur and Saxton here at the gym, just hurry up and get here, mate."

"Alright, alright. See you there, Broski."

Ricky then hangs up his phone and shoves it into his pocket. He gets up and grabs his leather jacket from the hanger. Before leaving the apartment, he turns back to Rachael who said curiously.

"Something wasn't right, Ricky...You know that."

Ricky shook his head and then opens the door before closing the door behind him Rachael says loudly.

"Just be careful, Ricky! Please, for me!"

Ricky sighs and locks the door to his apartment. He now finally begins walking to the elevator to the garage. His face was rather stoic, but his mind was racing with thoughts. Would Austin really stab Ricky in the back? All those months of training and hardship, would Austin really throw that all away for another shot of glory? No, Ricky didn't want to think of it. He knows he needs to keep his mind focused on Saboteur and Saxton. They are the two most charismatic members of the WZCW lockeroom. And he knew if he didn't keep a clear mind, their antics would get to him. And if they win, not only the Tag Team Division, but the entire WZCW locker room would be put on notice that even putting the best single wrestlers together can't beat the best tag team in the business. And that all the newer tag teams would think twice before believing they can just step into the Tag Division for their 15 minutes of fame.

That is want Ricky wants, he wants the best WZCW can offer in a tag team. Mind Over Matter gave him that hunger, and the Sons of Destiny weren't enough. Ricky wants, no, he needs that big fight at Kingdom Come. He won't accept anything bar none. The elevator finally reaches the garage. Ricky grins and walks to his car and says with a smirk.

"Saxton, Saboteur, challenge accepted, Bro."

 

[a0161613]

At Meltdown 70....

I come to with the noise of the crowd ringing in my ear. I spy Overlast at the top of the ramp with his back to us and then I remember Ricky is besides me. He mumbles something but I can’t hear him. After an excellent showing at the Lethal Lottery, Ascension was the site of Ricky’s arrival as a truly successful WZCW star and the Sons of Destiny had ruined that dream night for him. I blame myself; we should have figured out that Hammond would be around and that we would be the victims of a revenge attack. I should have been there earlier.

It’s all I can think about as I help Ricky out of the ring. We both shrug off medical assistance as they fuss around us. I’m used to this kind of treatment but this seems new to Rick. He looks devastated. The significance of his first win is not lost on him but he grimaces with anger as he begins to realise the aftermath is exactly the opposite of what he had spent the week before dreaming about.

We arrive backstage, applying new ice packs to our bruised skulls. Rick seems to struggle with the idea of what had gone on.

“Rick, we need to learn from this.”

“You mean I need to learn from this.”

I hesitate and he catches me out yet again. He is learning faster than I can teach, in and out of the ring. Young Padawan.

“What are we going to do Austin? We can’t let this stand. We are the tag team champions.” He emphasises the last three words with intent.

“This calls for a response.”

“I know that!”

“Trust me.”

I see no doubt in his eyes. It’s impressive to me. I always knew he was brave and feisty, almost to a fault but this is different. He wants revenge.

I like it.

***​

A few days later, Ricky and I have been checked out by the local hospital in Chicago and everything seems normal. I have some more tingling in my hands that I’m worried about but I’m not telling my doc about that just yet. Hayley and Dom will kill me for that but KC is just a few weeks away, Ricky and I have taken our ring work to another level and it’s beginning to show with win after win, including that precious and prestigious pay-per-view title defence.

We now look to move the tag team division onto the next level with us. All of a sudden, the division is flourishing with team after team coming out of the woodwork. With KC approaching, that means our match, my match, is going to be one of the biggest, a highlight on the card of the year. But this particular tag team title match needs to be extra special.

In the weeks building up to the show, every match takes on extra significance. I see Ty Burna and Showtime tagging together and every time I think about it, a chill goes through my body from top to bottom. But this is what is necessary to get to Kingdom Come.

As I chew over the forthcoming events, I think about how quickly this year’s run to Kingdom Come has come around. I see all these new fish around me, my partner among them and can’t help but think I’m a little old hat. Now two years ago, I would have slapped myself for even thinking that.

And so to Saxton and Saboteur; a duo who seem to have all the potential in the world. I think Ricky rates them better than I do though. He seems to adore their antics; I’ve seen him in a crowd of the guys backstage as they recall their tall tales. Now I admire them both. Saboteur did in one television match what spent two pay-per-view main events trying to do and Saxton goes around the country, just kicking ass and having a load of fun doing it. But they come back to WZCW and then what? If they kicked as much ass in WZCW as they do outside of it, then those two would be main eventing Kingdom Come IV.

As it is, they are comedy. Good at playing but when it comes to the chase they will never succeed when feathers really need to be seriously ruffled.

If I say that to Ricky, he would be very upset with me. I’m going to have to let him and Mikey beat me at FIFA or something.

But Saboteur and Saxton have developed well, they are great strikers with genuine knockout power and most of their wins have come when they use that muscle. We will need to need to employ the same strategy that has been successful so far. Neither Mind Over Matter nor the Sons have been able to cope with our speed over their strength.

But these are the new guard. A brand new generation dying to seize the mantle from the establishment of veteran talent. You can’t blame them I guess; I came in desperate to do the same and it served me well.

I can’t be sure what the future holds for us or Saxton and Saboteur. They may well be in the picture for a tag team championship shot. We may have a three or four team bundle at Kingdom Come; that would be fun. They could head onto a Elite X or Eurasian championship shot. Maybe even King for a Day. There’s every reason that they will want to prove that they are the great future of this company because of what could be in their future

All I can be sure of is that we are going to get a real idea of how good we are. The time in the ring that we share with them are going to spill a massive amount of information. New opponents always reveal so much and the ratings are guaranteed to pop just because the match is intriguing. We are going to find out more about ourselves than we realised.

But we have set ourselves up as the best tag team that WZCW has to offer and we are in line to become the best ever. I don’t just want that, I am desperate for that. I want us to known as the guys who are better than Second Coming, better than the Brothers in Arms and better than the Full House Daves.

Saxton and Saboteur are going to be remembered in the annals of WZCW history for the tales that they weave but these stories cannot include a win over Runn Reynolds Runn. We occupy two different lines of history but as these narratives intertwine, we will come out on top. We have to, if we are going to become the most Ratings Winningest tag team in WZCW history.

***​

I see myself at Kingdom Come. Bright lights, an epic crowd atmosphere, and there is pandemonium around I see James Howard and Mikey Stormrage on the outside suplexing Mick Overlast to the floor. Ricky has reversed an Irish whip from Scott Hammond and sent him head first in the ring post. Ricky sends him into the ring to me to capitalise, we share a glance. Intuition. I roll into the ring and prepare to hit the Ratings Killer but as I lift Hammond up for my finisher and Ricky hits the Ricky Runndown. On me, his partner. Ricky leaves with the crowd in a stunned silence as Hammond crawls over and pins me in the centre of the ring to win the tag team titles for the Sons of Destiny.

Treacherous bastard.

Ding ding ding.

The match is over and so is my afternoon daydream I throw the alarm clock across the room and I wonder what the hell just happened in my subconscious. Did I really just see that crazy sets of events in my head? Could that happen? No, no Ricky is too honest for his own good. He wouldn’t do that. He loves being champion.

What am I doing? I’m talking myself into expecting something that will not happen in a year of Sundays. This is ridiculous.

It’s then that I decide to ring him. I figure we better set ourselves straight from any doubt well before the biggest match of our reign gets any closer.

“Hey champ!” I try to sound upbeat as possible but I can tell Ricky seem quiet, distracted and more than a little nervous.

"Ricky, I was wondering where you were you have been. You missed our morning cardio. Now you got to make up on lost time."

Yeah I didn’t sound upbeat, I sound cross, scolding him like his father would have done. He offers to bring tapes of Saboteur and Saxton to afternoon training. We want scouting material of them in the ring and not of them chasing sombrero-wearing penguins across Canada or Saxton’s latest punch-throwing thriller, I doubt Ricky can beat what I have here.

"No no, I got plenty of tapes of Saboteur and Saxton here at the gym, just hurry up and get here, mate."

Again, any attempt at sounding upbeat goes out the window. He hangs up hurriedly and my mind is overflowing with concern all over again. My heart tells me not to worry but my head tells me that needs to be careful that it doesn’t get sent through a barbershop window any time soon.

I’m too paranoid for my own good. Ricky and I are great for ratings and that’s what counts. Saboteur and Saxton are of no great concern to us, we are the team after all. As we are on Meltdown, I’d rather take care of ourselves without crossing the ruling body of Chaos. Winning and coming out unscathed is what we need to worry about.

Runn Reynolds Runn are going nowhere.

 

[JGlass]

A truck takes a hard turn around a city corner. A bike messenger quickly pedals out of the way of the speeding truck, and the crowds of people on the sidewalk cough through the cloud of smog that the vehicle has left behind. The truck weaves through traffic, at points with only two wheels touching the ground, as cars hurry to get out of the way of the reckless maniac.

Suddenly the vehicle comes to a screeching halt in front of a tall skyscraper. The side of the truck reads, “Saboteur Express: Delivery So Fast It’s Insane!” We cut to the front seat and see Saboteur, adorned with a fake mustache and Saboteur Express cap, grab a box out of the back seat. Alvin is sitting in the passenger seat, yaking into a paper bag.

Saboteur casually walks his way into the massive lobby of the building. A large statue of The Golden Grahams Bear stands in the lobby, and a huge, golden Post Cereal logo is hung above the security desk. Saboteur calmly walks to the desk and rings the help bell.

Saboteur: Hello, I’m a deliveryman, here to deliver this package to the president of this company.

A security guard turns around in his chair and rises to meet Saboteur's eye line.

Security Guard: You’re wearing an awful lotta spandex for a delivery guy…

Saboteur: Standard uniform sir. Same with the mustache. You like?

Saboteur twirls his comically large mustache with his pinky.

Security Guard: Uhhh, sure. So who is this package for again?

Saboteur: The President. The President of Post Cereal. President… Post.

Security Guard: Ohhh, President Post! Of course!

The security guard takes the package from Saboteur’s hands and puts it into a mail bin.

Saboteur: Thank you kindly sir! Have a good day!

Saboteur whistles a happy tune as he walks out the giant revolving door of the Post Cereal Headquarters. He gets outside before he has a rude awakening…

Saboteur: Wait a second… I messed that up. Oh well, that’s why I have plan B! B for BOMB!

A policeman standing near the door gives Saboteur a stern look.

Saboteur: Bomb… bomb… bomba! Bomb bomb bomba! Feliz Nadvidado, feliz a la queso! Aye yi yi yi yi yi ya! Ariba!

The policeman rolls his eyes and walks away. Saboteur wipes his brow and opens the back doors of his truck and pulls out another package, and a remote control along with it. He rips off his mustache, turns his Saboteur Express hat backwards, and walks back into the Post Cereal Headquarters.

Saboteur: Hello, I’m here to personally deliver this package to President Post.

Security Guard: Weren’t you just in here with another package?

Saboteur: No, that was some other guy. I don’t have a mustache, and my hat is the other way, you dummy!

Security Guard: Oh my mistake sir! But before I allow you to deliver that package, it’s Post Cereal policy to scan all parcels entering the building. Let me run that through our X-Ray machine.

The Security Guard snatches the package out of Saboteur hands.

Saboteur: No need to scan it! It’s just some… cereal! Yeah, it’s just a new cereal prototype!

Security Guard: Sorry sir, it’s company policy.

The Security Guard scans the package, and the machine immediately starts beeping with an alarm.

Security Guard: Sir! Are you aware there’s a bomb in this package!?!? I should call the police!

Saboteur: Plan B has backfired! Initiate Emergency Abortion Protocol Coat Hanger!

Saboteur pulls out his remote and hits the button. The package in the security guards hands makes a loud pop, and then some smoke leaks out from it.

The Security Guard, unamused, looks at Saboteur.

Security Guard: Sir, I think you should leave.

Saboteur, defeated, exits the building.

Saboteur: Okay, onto Plan C! Ohhhh Alvin, your services are needed!

The camera cuts to Alvin pushing a handcart with all his strength, carting a huge box to the security desk.

Alvin gasps for air as he talks to the Security Guard.

Alvin: *Gasp* Package delivery *Gasp* for President Post.

Security Guard: That looks awful heavy. I don’t suppose I can request you wheel that to the elevator for me? I’ve got some knee problems. I just need to scan your package with this here metal detector and you can be on your way.

Alvin: *Gasp* Wonderful.

The Security Guard walks out from behind the counter and starts waving his metal detector wand around the package when a muffled voice comes from the box.

Saboteur: Are we there yet? My spandex is starting to ride up my crack!

Security Guard: Erm… what did you say you were delivering?

Alvin: It’s a robot. A talking robot. It’s going to be the new mascot for… Raisin Bran?

The Security Guard lets out a hardy laugh and smacks the top of the box.

Saboteur: Ouch!

Security Guard: Oh a robot selling cereal! I’ll tell ya, that’s why President Post makes the big bucks! Well, you best be on your way kid, if you hurry up you might be able to catch President Post before he leaves to bang his mistress! He’s on the top floor!

Alvin takes a deep breath and starts pushing the cart.

Alvin: That was oddly revealing. Where did you say the elevator was?

Security Guard: All the way down the hall! Yep, it’s a mighty long walk!

Alvin: Wonderful.

Approximately twelve minutes and a gallon of WZCW intern sweat later, Alvin has made his way to the elevator. The doors open almost immediately, and after a swarm of yuppies get off, Alvin uses the last bit o strength left in his body to push Saboteur into the elevator.

The doors close and Alvin hits the button for the top floor of Post Cereal Tower, the 105th floor. The elevator begins to climb as some soothing elevator music pours through the speakers.

Alvin: You know, I don’t think there’s any wrestler in all of WZCW that spends as little time doing wrestling related activities as you.

Saboteur’s muffled voice comes from the box.

Saboteur: What are you getting at, nerd?

Alvin: Well, if you beat Runn Reynolds Runn this Saturday, you and Saxton get a shot for the tag titles at Kingdom Come. Shouldn’t you be training for that?

Saboteur: Well, right now I’m practicing my small package! Get it!? Because I’m in a box!

Alvin rolls his eyes.

Alvin: Yeah, hilarious. Seriously though, don’t you want to be a tag team champion?

Saboteur: Do the belts come with a Bam Bam spoon?

Alvin: I don’t think so…

Saboteur: Then I don’t care. Disregard tag team belts, acquire Bam Bam spoon.

Alvin: Come on Saboteur, think about it! You and Saxton have been making waves in WZCW since your debuts. You have millions of fans and are two of the most popular guys on the roster, but something has always prevented you from reaching that next level of superstardom. You win these belts, you’ll b household names. Everyone will be talking about Saboteur and Saxton!

Saboteur: Well, I must admit, having a tag team championship belt would be nice. I broke the only belt I own trying to play Indiana Jones with Garrett. Plus, I look fabulous in gold. It'd also be a nice slap in the face to those damn AOC punks and Ty Burna.

Alvin: See! Now you’re getting it!

Saboteur and Alvin sit in silence for a few moments.

Saboteur: Boy, this is a really slow elevator, huh?

The bell finally rings, signifying that they have reached the top floor of Post Cereal Tower. There’s a single desk in a large reception area that Alvin wheels Saboteur over to. The secretary…

Saboteur: Administrative assistant!

I’m sorry, the administrative assistant looks up from her rousing game of Bejeweled to help the delivery boy.

Alvin: I’m here to deliver this package to President Post.

Administrative Assistant: He’s in the boardroom playing a game of hide the hotdog with his mistress.

Alvin: What the… am I going to walk in on some perverse sex act? And why is everyone in this company so open about the President’s sex life?

The administrative assistant is no longer paying attention, though. After her swell 10 second conversation with Alvin, she decided to reward herself with another round of Bejeweled.

Alvin shrugs and starts to wheel Saboteur to the boardroom. Fortunately, it’s not a long walk. Alvin is about to open the door to the boardroom when he hears people inside.

Mistress: Is it in here?

A man giggles.

President Post: Nope! Not in there!

Mistress: Hmmm… did you tuck it in between here?

President Post: Too obvious, you’re going to have to guess again!

Alvin: Saboteur, I think I’m going to puke.

Saboteur: Shut up and wheel me in the room, nerd!

Alvin pushes the door open, tightly closes his eyes, and wheels Saboteur into the room.

President Post: Excuse me! You’re interrupting a very important game!

Alvin has his arm over his eyes to block any scarring images.

Alvin: Special delivery for President Post.

President Post: Take your arms off from over your eyes Mr. Delivery Boy! The hell is wrong with you?

Alvin pulls down his arm and opens one of his eyes cautiously. He sees two fully dressed people standing on opposite sides of the boardroom table. President Post is a short, fat old man with a bird’s nest haircut. His mistress is extremely tall, wearing a tight black dress that accentuates her curvy figure with flowing jet-black hair.

The mistress walks over to Alvin and tugs at his sleeve.

Mistress: Maybe you can help me find the hotdog! I’ve already determined it’s not under the table, in the drawers, or behind the curtains!

Alvin: Oh wow, you’re actually trying to find a hotdog.

President Post: Oh! This must be the new Boobitron 2000, the most innovative pleasurebot of all time!

Saboteur pops out of the top of the box and stands proudly, staring directly into President Post’s eyes.

Saboteur: Guess again fatty!

The mistress lets out a blood-curdling scream as President Post falls backwards in shock.

President Post: Who are you?!

Saboteur: A dissatisfied customer! I was thinking about writing a letter, but I decided a face to face visit would be more effective.

President Post: What do you want, money? Free cereal?

Saboteur: A spoon. A Fruity Pebbles promotional Bam Bam Rubble Spoon!

The President gets up and turns his back to Saboteur. He quickly and nervously walks to the other side of the table.

President Post: A Bam Bam spoon? I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Saboteur slams his fists on the boardroom table.

Saboteur: You know exactly what I’m talking about! For months your company has been running a promotion where you give away a spoon featuring a Flintstone character in every box of Fruity Pebbles! I bought thousands of boxes, I have hundreds of each type of spoon EXCEPT for Bam Bam! Why haven’t I gotten a Bam Bam spoon?!

President Post: Oh, we must have forgotten to put the Bam Bam spoons in the boxes! Yes, that’s it!

Saboteur picks up a chair and throws it through the window. Alvin, the mistress, and President Post all jump in the air, shocked.

Saboteur jumps clean over the table and grabs President Post by the tie.

Saboteur: One last chance, Post: Where are the Bam Bam spoons?

President Post: We uh… decided they were unsatisfactory and decided not to distribute them?

Saboteur whips the President to the floor and drags him over to the window. Saboteur picks him up by the collar and pushes him onto the ledge. President Post flails in the air for balance, but he can’t find it. He starts to fall backwards when Saboteur catches his tie, holding the President at a 45 degree angle.

Saboteur: Where is it?!

President Post: It wasn’t my idea! It was marketing’s idea I tell ya! I just OK’d it!

Saboteur yanks the President towards him and punches him in the face before letting him fall back down to the 45 degree angle.

Saboteur: What wasn’t your idea?

There’s blood streaming from President Post’s nose as he starts to cry in terror.

President Post: One spoon… we only put out one Bam Bam spoon. We figured it would generate buzz, ther would be a massive search for the one Bam Bam spoon, but nobody cared!

Saboteur pulls President Post up so that their noses are touching.

Saboteur: Well clearly somebody does.

Saboteur lets the president go and he starts to fall backwards, but Saboteur quickly catches the President’s left foot and pins it to the ground as President Post dangles over the ledge.

Saboteur: Where is it? Where’s the spoon?!

President Post: The box it was in was sold! I believe it was at a grocery store in Wyoming!

Saboteur: Who bought it?!

President Post responds angrily and impatiently.

President Post: I don’t know! I didn’t sell the damn box!

Saboteur lets the President’s foot slip closer to the edge of the window. He grabs it as the President is mere inches away from certain death.

President Post: The shop clerk said he remembered him distinctly! He said… he said… “He was the jivest brother I ever did see, with more swagger than Jagger and more muscles than Brussels.”

Saboteur’s eyes light up as he feels a brief moment of optimism.

Saboteur: Saxton!

Saboteur quickly yanks the President back into the room and the President quickly crawls across the floor, kissing the ground.

Saboteur: Looks like Saxton and I are going to have to discuss some business after our match on Saturday…

Alvin takes a peek outside the boardroom to see an army of security guards lining up, preparing to burst through the door.

Alvin: Uh… Saboteur, we’ve got company!

Saboteur: Sheesh, can you be anymore cliché Alvin?

President Post: You’ll never make it out of this building! My guards will stop you and throw you in the Post Cereal vault where you’ll rot like the scum you are!

Saboteur: Oh, I have a plan. I always have a plan.

Saboteur roundhouse kicks President Post in the face before springing over his unconscious body to grab Alvin. Alvin struggles to get away from Saboteur, but can’t escape from the insane assassin’s tight grip. Saboteur starts running towards the window and jumps clear out of it.

The two plummet down to the streets of St. Louis with frightening speed, but all you can see is a yellowish/blackish blur streaking through the sky, and all you can hear is Alvin’s screams.

PFOOSH

Saboteur and Alvin land square on top of the Saboteur Express truck, which was fitted with a two foot thick pad to absorb their fall. Saboteur quickly pops up and brushes himself off. Alvin is unable to get up as he lay on the ground, shaking with nerves.

Saboteur: I doubt those fancy font users Ricky Runn and Austin Reynolds have ever flown that high, eh Alvin?

Alvin doesn’t respond. Saboteur doesn’t care.

Saboteur: No sir they haven’t. I do love it when a plan comes together though… even when it’s plan C.

Alvin still hasn’t found the ability to speak yet.

Saboteur: Well, we better get going. I have a title shot to win! *sniff sniff* But first I think we should find you a new pair of pants, Alvin.

The camera fades to black as Saboteur stands triumphantly.

 

[The Doctor]

Signal Panic, Inc. presents:
Action Saxton
in
"Cabin Fever"

Time passes slowly on a Tuesday.

A fly crawls up the wall.

One of the iridescent flies of Fall.

Time passes slowly on a Tuesday.

Really slowly. Slower than molasses running down a stopped treadmill on a hot day. Slower than paint drying on a bed of wet paint on a bunch of grass slowly growing on top of a turtle belonging to a fat guy with no food to motivate him to do anything. Slower than the seconds during an Armando Paradyse match. Slow.

Inside his penthouse apartment in Scott's Bottom, Wyoming, Action Saxton sits in his armchair, bored. He counts the bumps on his ceiling. One by one. Over and over. One thousand nine-hundred ninety-five. The clock ticks away the seconds, sounding more like the romping stomping sounds of a funkasaurus than a contraption of clockwork and gears. Sweat glistens on Action Saxton's face as he sits there, motionless except for his chest rising and falling as he breathes. He glances to one side at his prized collection of gold-plated bottlecaps. He grunts and shrugs and turns to the other side. He heaves a sigh.

"Damn. Nothing to do and I am bored as hell!"

He sits up straighter and sighs again.

"Man, the suckas on the street have been quiet lately. Obviously planning some kind of secret ninja attack. Haven't heard any reports of any adventures to go on. Nothing to do but sit here and be bored as hell!"

He ponders a bit, stroking his manly chin with an air of intelligence and class.

"Well," he says, drawing the words out. "Perhaps I can make me some adventures. There are sure to be plenty of suckas that have wronged me in some way that I have not had the chance to get even with. In fact..."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a note we have seen before.

"“Mr. Saxton,
You know who I am. If you want to fight me, meet me at the place you know, at a time you will figure out. I’m sure you can do it.”"

"I am supposed to meet this sucka in a few hours. But damn, I can't take this any more. I gotta get out of here. Showing up early is sure to catch him off guard. Then I can get my revenge for what he did to my car!"

He leaps up out of his chair.

"Perfect! I can whoop that sucka's ass good and proper and get out of the house, just in time to-"

Realization hits him like a two-ton wrecking ball. His face falls. He swears loudly.

"Damn! I still don't have a car!"

He starts to pace around the room, whipping out his official WZCW Action Saxton Address Book, perfect for storing all of your friends' contact info in style. He goes through the pages.

"Now who can I call? Marceline is off having some kind of a day out with B, and I ain't going to ruin her day off. She deserves it. I don't know The Kid that well and I think he only owns a motorcycle and there's no way in hell I'm sitting on one of them with his crazy ass. I don't know Abraham Lincoln's number, Miles King has a dinner party, Miles Ninja has a ninja party...

Kung Fu Jones!"

He snaps the book shut and picks up the phone.

"Hello?"

The voice of Kung Fu Jones comes out the other end.

"My brother!" exclaims Action Saxton. "My man! It's me!"

"Aw, hell yeah!" says Kung Fu Jones. "Action Saxton, what is good in the hood? I haven't heard from you since that mess on the plane nearly a year ago!"

"That mess where I saved your life from El Habanero's fool ass."

"From what I remember, I was the one who saved you."

There is a frosty silence. Both men glare at their phones, neither budging an inch. Finally, ACtion Saxton, being the bastion of humility he is, relents.

"Okay, sucka, if you insist. But that's beside the point. What are you doing right now?"

"Not much, my man. Why do you want to know?"

"My ride has been compromised. I need someone to drive me to a certain place within a few hours."

Kung Fu Jones lets out a chuckle. "Just say the word, brotha, and I will be on it."

"I just did."

Another uncomfortable silence. This time, Kung Fu Jones is the one who breaks it.

"So you did, my man. So you did. I'll be over in five."

Exactly six minutes later, the two comrades are flying down the highway to the sweet sounds of funk and smooth jazz inside Kung Fu Jones' yellow Mustang convertible. The car speeds around a corner, launching itself high into the air, performing a triple backflip and landing perfectly in a parking spot in front of Captain Anderson’s House of Delicious Pancakes, Milkshakes, Rice Cakes, and Earthquakes.

"You sure this is the place?" asks Kung Fu Jones, looking up and down at the gaudy red-and-white tile that covers the outside of the building. Action Saxton walks up to a doe-eyed mascot dressed in tie-dye shorts, sneakers, long black socks, a purple jacket, and red sunglasses with dollar signs on them.

"Yep."

The door squeaks as the two enter the diner, their eardrums immediately assaulted by loud doowop emanating from the jukebox in the corner of the room. A rollerskating waitress skates up to them, a large silver platter balanced precariously on her head. She waves her rake at the two.

"Are you Action Saxton?" she asks. Action Saxton stares at her suspiciously.

"And how the hell do you know that?"

She twirls her rake, the platter on her head wobbling dangerously, the plate of pancakes, milkshakes, rice cakes, and earthquakes threatening to crash onto the floor. She balances herself, though, and points her rake at the Badass Brother again.

"You're my son's favorite wrestler!" she replies. Action Saxton looks pleased as she continues. "I always tell him he should emulate someone better who doesn't lose all the time, like Saboteur, but does he listen? No! He's a very strange boy."

Action Saxton looks less pleased. Kung Fu Jones has a broad smile on his face though as he speaks up.

"Man, momma, you don't even know the half of it! Let me tell you, when me and this fool were fighting together in the Great War of 1969, I had to drag his ass out of some stupid river trap these Scottish ninja fools set up. It was so obvious, Stevie Wonder woula seen it coming. I even warned him, I told him about traps, but did he listen?"

Action Saxton is seething with righteous fury as the two laugh amongst themselves.

"Man shut the hell up Kung Fu Jones!" he barks. "We both know that those orphans would have died if I hadn't saved them! Or worse, they would have been forced to eat haggis! I had to do my civic duty so you better not be tellin' no half-truths like that because if I catch you saying that one more time I will shove this fist down your throat and pull out your intestines. Now can you dig that?"

Action Saxton and Kung Fu Jones stare at each other, saying nothing. The waitress glances from one to the other. She coughs, diverting their attention.

"Anyway...I just wanted to know because if so, someone was in here and I was told to give this note to Action Saxton."

She hands over the note. Action Saxton takes it. His eyes grow wide as he reads.

"Mr. Saxton,
You took too long. You guessed incorrectly. I will give you one more chance. If you want to find me, you will be able to figure it out."

Action Saxton crushes the note in his hand.

"Aw, hell no!" he barks.

"My man, I have to go," says Kung Fu Jones, who was reading the note over Action Saxton's shoulder. "Can you get home all right?"

Action Saxton nods and Kung Fu Jones takes his leave. He turns back to the waitress.

"I'll take a stack of the best damn pancakes you serve here and a pot of coffee."

She smiles. To an outside observer it would look strained and uncomfortable, but Action Saxton knows better. The roller-skating waitress shows him to his seat, the tray on her head still wobbling dangerously. He sits down and starts to think.

"I have a big match coming up on Saturday. Gonna be teaming with my boy Saboteur against the tag team champions. Now those suckas are some badass dudes, not as badass as myself of course but they can flip and flop with the best of them. Of course, I can take them out of the air with my kung-fu skill quite easily. I just need to know to strike hard and fast. If I aim for the head they ain't doing much flying. Maybe Ricky Runn will go the wrong way or something. That happened to me once but that is because some sucka used Michaelangelo's David as a weapon and that is just plain cheating."

The waitress brings him his food. He tucks in, still thinking hard.

"Austin Reynolds is a bad dude too, but is he a bad enough dude to save the president? I don't think so, and I have saved enough presidents to be able to tell. Until he shares a cheeseburger with Ronald Reagan he is nothing to me."

He sighs.

"Goddamn, this is just as boring as sitting at home. I wish I knew some sucka who would not bail out on me during adventures and I could talk wrestling strategy with. Someone as tough and almost as stylish as I am. Someone like..."

He leaps up from his table, slamming a fist down and sending earthquakes flying all over the floor. In the distance, the roller-skating waitress crashes into a wall, dropping her silver platter and causing her pancakes to hit the floor with a wet thud.

"Shazam!" he barks, his words echoing in the empty diner. "I know just the man. When we win our match at Meltdown, me and Saboteur are going to have to talk business..."​