MD 69: Wasabi Toyota vs. Action Saxton
- Thread starter Ty Burna
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Signal Panic, Inc. Presents:
Action Saxton
In
Osakan Destroyer
At the top of a tall tree, at the top of a tall mountain, on top of the island called Japan, on top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, there is a building. This building is not just an ordinary building, but a dojo. Its not an ordinary dojo, either, but a secret dojo where only the purest and most true ninjas who have defected from the side of evil and have become saviors of the common man meet. Inside this dojo, these rogue ninjas are trained by the legendary master Chop Chop Master Onion, who gained his name by virtue of his head closely resembling an onion with a Fu Manchu moustache, and for also being able to cook a mean stir fry. Occasionally, Chop Chop Master Onion will have guests around, to speak to the students on the true way to be a fearsome warrior. These guest speakers come from all over the world and are specialized in all sorts of talents, in order to help these good ninjas fight the good fight and be good.
Todays special guest is a legendary fighter, known for his impeccable technique, brute strength, and dashing good looks. He is a man without peer, a man without fear, a man who is here. He knows ninjas like the back of his hand, and the back of his hand has become acquainted with too many ninjas to count. He is the heat-packin, cracka-lackin, smooth as butter so caress your lover Action Saxton. And hes here to tell the heroes of tomorrow whats what.
So listen up, suckas! he barks, slamming his hand into the wall and causing the entire building to shake. He looks up, worried for a fraction of a second. When it seems the building is in no danger of collapsing, he continues on. Chop Chop Master Onion glares.
I was brought here today to teach you little ninjas the best fighters you can be. Now, I once said The only good ninja is nonexistent, even if they love their ninja mothers and are masters of cooking up some delicious ninja cake in their ninja kitchens. However, through my years working with this dojo, I have come to find that that is not true. There are such things as good ninjas.
The classroom seems pleased to hear this as the shuffle around and look at the patterns on the walls. Action Saxton continues.
Now, I dont know about you, but I learn from using real life examples in real life situations. It was like the time I dropkicked Mt. Everest to make it the tallest mountain in the world. I had to practice on Mt. St. Helens first, and that sucka shook, rattled, and rolled, so I knew it was safe to dropkick all the mountains on this green and blue and orange and mauve and brown Earth! That started my Dropkick Tour of 73, and what a tour that was
Action Saxton stares into the distance, recalling fond memories. Chop Chop Master Onion shakes his head, and the sound of his moustache whipping is enough to pull Action Saxton back into the present.
My apologies, Master, he says, turning to Chop Chop Master Onion and bowing. Im sure you know what it is like when you start to reminisce.
Chop Chop Master Onion makes a noncommittal noise in his throat. Action Saxton turns back to the ninja class.
Anyway, before I lost track of myself, I was telling you about real life examples of fighting. I was brought in because my knowledge of kung-fu and ring mastery is matched only by my knowledge of style and bedroom mastery. You young suckas would do well to learn kung-fu from me by studying my matches and training hard. I didnt get this delicious body in a day, you know! It took time, effort, training, and lots of danger!
So all of you little suckas pay attention to my match on Meltdown.
He pauses for a moment before turning to Chop Chop Master Onion.
Psst, he whispers. You do got a TV in here, right?
Chop Chop Master Onion nods. Action Saxton slams a fist into his other hand.
Yes! he barks. Meltdown! I will be fighting that sucka Wasabi Toyota!
There is a loud Uwaaaaa!! at the mention of Wasabi Toyotas name. Action Saxton nods, a smile playing across his lips.
I know, that sucka is pretty famous around these parts. He used to be nice but now is mean. Hes meaner than two fat msuckas fighting over a plate of pork and beans. In fact, thats exactly what he is! Hes a big beast who can move around the ring and put the hurting on anyone who faces him.
But so am I.
Action Saxton grabs a chalkboard from behind Chop Chop Master Onions desk and starts drawing diagrams on it.
The Matsumoto Mauler has nothing on The Badass Brother, and he will see. Watch this carefully, you pack of ninjas, because when Action gets on a roll, so do the heads. He may be big but I can kick his legs from under him, and then what is he? Just a big pile of gooey mess rolling around and not being able to get up. Its like that grandma in that one commercial. Did you get that in Japan? Aw hell, it dont matter. Because the legs are not the only part of the body I can target. Wasabis head has nothing on my hands and feet. Take out the head and that sucka is going down faster than Armando Paradyse in a body of water deeper than a kiddie pool! They call me Black Lightning for a reason, and its not because of the electricity running through my veins!
The crowd of good-ninjas-in-training are hanging onto Action Saxtons every word as he postures impressively. Even Chop Chop Master Onion looks mildly impressed as the guest speaker launches into the home stretch.
They call me Black Lightning because my strikes come out of nowhere like a bolt from the blue! Kick! Punch! Its all in the mind! And if that sucka wants to test me, Im sure hell find that the things Ill teach ya will be sure to beat ya! And that fatass strongass giantass sumo sucka is about to get a lesson from teacher! I am the badass brother unlike any other, and I am going to kick Wasabi Toyotas ass!
UWAAAAAA!!!! roar the ninjas in training, standing up in a great wave and jumping up and down. UWAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Action Saxton points the the sky and roars.
Wasabi Toyota!! Im coming for you, you jive ass sucka!
The scene cuts to black.
Action Saxton
In
Osakan Destroyer
At the top of a tall tree, at the top of a tall mountain, on top of the island called Japan, on top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, there is a building. This building is not just an ordinary building, but a dojo. Its not an ordinary dojo, either, but a secret dojo where only the purest and most true ninjas who have defected from the side of evil and have become saviors of the common man meet. Inside this dojo, these rogue ninjas are trained by the legendary master Chop Chop Master Onion, who gained his name by virtue of his head closely resembling an onion with a Fu Manchu moustache, and for also being able to cook a mean stir fry. Occasionally, Chop Chop Master Onion will have guests around, to speak to the students on the true way to be a fearsome warrior. These guest speakers come from all over the world and are specialized in all sorts of talents, in order to help these good ninjas fight the good fight and be good.
Todays special guest is a legendary fighter, known for his impeccable technique, brute strength, and dashing good looks. He is a man without peer, a man without fear, a man who is here. He knows ninjas like the back of his hand, and the back of his hand has become acquainted with too many ninjas to count. He is the heat-packin, cracka-lackin, smooth as butter so caress your lover Action Saxton. And hes here to tell the heroes of tomorrow whats what.
So listen up, suckas! he barks, slamming his hand into the wall and causing the entire building to shake. He looks up, worried for a fraction of a second. When it seems the building is in no danger of collapsing, he continues on. Chop Chop Master Onion glares.
I was brought here today to teach you little ninjas the best fighters you can be. Now, I once said The only good ninja is nonexistent, even if they love their ninja mothers and are masters of cooking up some delicious ninja cake in their ninja kitchens. However, through my years working with this dojo, I have come to find that that is not true. There are such things as good ninjas.
The classroom seems pleased to hear this as the shuffle around and look at the patterns on the walls. Action Saxton continues.
Now, I dont know about you, but I learn from using real life examples in real life situations. It was like the time I dropkicked Mt. Everest to make it the tallest mountain in the world. I had to practice on Mt. St. Helens first, and that sucka shook, rattled, and rolled, so I knew it was safe to dropkick all the mountains on this green and blue and orange and mauve and brown Earth! That started my Dropkick Tour of 73, and what a tour that was
Action Saxton stares into the distance, recalling fond memories. Chop Chop Master Onion shakes his head, and the sound of his moustache whipping is enough to pull Action Saxton back into the present.
My apologies, Master, he says, turning to Chop Chop Master Onion and bowing. Im sure you know what it is like when you start to reminisce.
Chop Chop Master Onion makes a noncommittal noise in his throat. Action Saxton turns back to the ninja class.
Anyway, before I lost track of myself, I was telling you about real life examples of fighting. I was brought in because my knowledge of kung-fu and ring mastery is matched only by my knowledge of style and bedroom mastery. You young suckas would do well to learn kung-fu from me by studying my matches and training hard. I didnt get this delicious body in a day, you know! It took time, effort, training, and lots of danger!
So all of you little suckas pay attention to my match on Meltdown.
He pauses for a moment before turning to Chop Chop Master Onion.
Psst, he whispers. You do got a TV in here, right?
Chop Chop Master Onion nods. Action Saxton slams a fist into his other hand.
Yes! he barks. Meltdown! I will be fighting that sucka Wasabi Toyota!
There is a loud Uwaaaaa!! at the mention of Wasabi Toyotas name. Action Saxton nods, a smile playing across his lips.
I know, that sucka is pretty famous around these parts. He used to be nice but now is mean. Hes meaner than two fat msuckas fighting over a plate of pork and beans. In fact, thats exactly what he is! Hes a big beast who can move around the ring and put the hurting on anyone who faces him.
But so am I.
Action Saxton grabs a chalkboard from behind Chop Chop Master Onions desk and starts drawing diagrams on it.
The Matsumoto Mauler has nothing on The Badass Brother, and he will see. Watch this carefully, you pack of ninjas, because when Action gets on a roll, so do the heads. He may be big but I can kick his legs from under him, and then what is he? Just a big pile of gooey mess rolling around and not being able to get up. Its like that grandma in that one commercial. Did you get that in Japan? Aw hell, it dont matter. Because the legs are not the only part of the body I can target. Wasabis head has nothing on my hands and feet. Take out the head and that sucka is going down faster than Armando Paradyse in a body of water deeper than a kiddie pool! They call me Black Lightning for a reason, and its not because of the electricity running through my veins!
The crowd of good-ninjas-in-training are hanging onto Action Saxtons every word as he postures impressively. Even Chop Chop Master Onion looks mildly impressed as the guest speaker launches into the home stretch.
They call me Black Lightning because my strikes come out of nowhere like a bolt from the blue! Kick! Punch! Its all in the mind! And if that sucka wants to test me, Im sure hell find that the things Ill teach ya will be sure to beat ya! And that fatass strongass giantass sumo sucka is about to get a lesson from teacher! I am the badass brother unlike any other, and I am going to kick Wasabi Toyotas ass!
UWAAAAAA!!!! roar the ninjas in training, standing up in a great wave and jumping up and down. UWAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Action Saxton points the the sky and roars.
Wasabi Toyota!! Im coming for you, you jive ass sucka!
The scene cuts to black.
It's another beautiful day in downtown Chicago and JFK Middle School is hustling and bustling about, in anticipation of their big guest speaker. Children cram into the gymnasium like stinky sardines, wearing shirts of their favorite WZCW stars, because obviously every single young child follows WZCW religiously.
Eventually, the principal of JFK Middle School, a skinny, balding man with a bushy mustache, hushes the excited crowd of preteens.
PRINCIPAL: Alright, settle down boys and girls. I know youre excited to find out the WZCW wrestler that will be joining us today is, but it appears hes running a few minutes late. I sure your tiny little hearts can handle a few more minutes of stressful tension.
The principal produces an awkward, nervous smirk. The kiddies begin to get impatient and a cheer from a small group of students begins to break out.
SMARKY KIDS: This is wrestling! *clap clap clapclap clap* This is wrestling! *clap clap clapclap clap*
Most of the other kids look on confused at the smarky douches decide start their own chant. The principal continues to fidget nervously; hands deeply entrenched in his pockets.
NORMAL KIDS: We want Saxton! *clap clap clapclap clap* We want Saxton! *clap clap clapclap clap*
All the children are quite excited about the possibility of seeing Action Saxton, breaking into a near frenzy. It should be no surprise, considering Saxton is one of the most exciting and entertaining wrestlers in the company. Also, JFK Elementary School Middle School is comprised almost entirely of black kids. Just as the tiny humans are about to completely burst, creepy principal is back on the mic.
PRINCIPAL: Ok fellas, hes finally here! This is a man thats weve had to our school before and he was just super. Are you ready? I said ARE YOU REEAAADDDYYY!?!?!?
The crowd is going nuts. The door to the gym opens. A big man enters and presses a button on the boombox he is carrying, along with a small, orange gym bag. As he enters the gym, the music begins to play and the crowds excitement dwindles quite a bit.
PRINCIPAL: Presenting, Wasabi Toyota!
The creepy principal could not be more excited, oblivious to the students displeasure. He attempts to shake Toyotas hand, but the big man dressed in all black sets down his bag and boombox before proceeding to ignores him and grab the mic out of his hand.
TOYOTA: You all a little disappointed, eh. Sorry Im not so jolly this time, but I booked this time at this establishment and will use it to my liking.
A majority of the crowd begin to boo, while a few faint cheers can be heard from the douchey smarks in the corner.
TOYOTA: Silence, all of you.
Toyota looks on at the crowd with a stare so cold it could make the something really hot turn to ice.
Im not here to coddle your egos and tell you everything will end up ok if you work hard, because it wont. Ive been working hard towards achieving my goals my whole life, and what has it gotten me? Nothing at all. Life sucks, the world sucks. It cannot be changed, no matter how long or how hard you try, evil and chaos will run rampant.
PRINCIPAL: Hey now Wasabi, this isnt exactly what I had in mind when we talked on the phone. How bout you talk about, like, recycling or something?
TOYOTA: Sit down, you!
Toyota reaches quickly into his gym bag, grabbing a throwing star. He launches it at the principal, purposely throwing it just a few inches over his head. He immediately wets himself and runs out of the gym in tears while Toyota laughs heartily.
TOYOTA: Now that hes gone we can get deeper into the hopelessness of your lives, kiddies. You may think theres hope now, but as you grow older that will dissipate. After youre forced to bathe in your dead dogs blood or play hopscotch using you left nipple as a marker, you will see what I mean. You will see everything.
RANDOM SMARKY KID: Woo! Youre so edgy.
TOYOTA: Shut up, cretin.
Toyota is none too happy with the interruption and checks another throwing star, nearly sending the tough guy who dare oppose straight to purgatory.
TOYOTA: I trust there will be no more interruptions. Now that weve got the fact that life sucks out of the way, lets focus on my dominance. Last week, despite the fact I was saddled with Barbosa as my partner, I was able to feed my inner cravings and absolutely decimate Saboteur and Action Saxton, two this companies supposed stars.
What has this company come to that allows for such delusional, pathetic excuses for men to become highly regarded? Their high standing just goes to show what a joke WZCW is today. Look at the World Title and the men that have held it recently. Big Dave, Barbosa, a washed up Titus, and Steven Kurtesy. Steven Kurtesy! These men have made that belt and this company completely worthless and I plan on changing that.
Im not going to win the World Title in order to help the company actually become successful again or to please the stockholders. No, Im going to win the World Title because its something I want, and also is something that will be quite the trading piece on the black market. Thats why I wore that silly robe for Ty Burna that week. Burna and his apostles are the only somewhat competent people around anymore, so why not join them? And to make it clear, Im no apostle to anyone. Im simply an associate specializing in pain, torture, and suffering. Deep suffering.
The boredom of the children at this point is unfathomable. They are being completely but to sleep by Toyotas bland promo set in such an illogical location. Fortunately, one of the braver, blacker kids speaks up.
BLACK KID: Yeah, but Action Saxton will kick your bootay on Meltdown this week, mothasucka!
Toyota quickly reaches into his bag to grab a throwing star, but decides against it. He has something better in mind.
TOYOTA: Im sure you like Action Saxton for all his cute, fun adventures he goes on, no? You like how he travels all over the world to exotic places like Wyoming and does cool stuff. Well, lemme tell you something, me and my Yakuza buddies go on some pretty damn cool adventures too. Luckily, I prepared this video presentation for you that Im sure youll enjoy.
Conveniently, there is a DVD player and screen available for Toyotas use and hes able to pop in his disc and play it no problem.
TOYOTA: Theres an adventure for you.
Toyota drops the mic, picks up his bag and boombox, and walks off with no absolutely no expression, leaving the room of terrified children.
Eventually, the principal of JFK Middle School, a skinny, balding man with a bushy mustache, hushes the excited crowd of preteens.
PRINCIPAL: Alright, settle down boys and girls. I know youre excited to find out the WZCW wrestler that will be joining us today is, but it appears hes running a few minutes late. I sure your tiny little hearts can handle a few more minutes of stressful tension.
The principal produces an awkward, nervous smirk. The kiddies begin to get impatient and a cheer from a small group of students begins to break out.
SMARKY KIDS: This is wrestling! *clap clap clapclap clap* This is wrestling! *clap clap clapclap clap*
Most of the other kids look on confused at the smarky douches decide start their own chant. The principal continues to fidget nervously; hands deeply entrenched in his pockets.
NORMAL KIDS: We want Saxton! *clap clap clapclap clap* We want Saxton! *clap clap clapclap clap*
All the children are quite excited about the possibility of seeing Action Saxton, breaking into a near frenzy. It should be no surprise, considering Saxton is one of the most exciting and entertaining wrestlers in the company. Also, JFK Elementary School Middle School is comprised almost entirely of black kids. Just as the tiny humans are about to completely burst, creepy principal is back on the mic.
PRINCIPAL: Ok fellas, hes finally here! This is a man thats weve had to our school before and he was just super. Are you ready? I said ARE YOU REEAAADDDYYY!?!?!?
The crowd is going nuts. The door to the gym opens. A big man enters and presses a button on the boombox he is carrying, along with a small, orange gym bag. As he enters the gym, the music begins to play and the crowds excitement dwindles quite a bit.
[YOUTUBE]lZqaxD7k12c [/YOUTUBE]
PRINCIPAL: Presenting, Wasabi Toyota!
The creepy principal could not be more excited, oblivious to the students displeasure. He attempts to shake Toyotas hand, but the big man dressed in all black sets down his bag and boombox before proceeding to ignores him and grab the mic out of his hand.
TOYOTA: You all a little disappointed, eh. Sorry Im not so jolly this time, but I booked this time at this establishment and will use it to my liking.
A majority of the crowd begin to boo, while a few faint cheers can be heard from the douchey smarks in the corner.
TOYOTA: Silence, all of you.
Toyota looks on at the crowd with a stare so cold it could make the something really hot turn to ice.
Im not here to coddle your egos and tell you everything will end up ok if you work hard, because it wont. Ive been working hard towards achieving my goals my whole life, and what has it gotten me? Nothing at all. Life sucks, the world sucks. It cannot be changed, no matter how long or how hard you try, evil and chaos will run rampant.
PRINCIPAL: Hey now Wasabi, this isnt exactly what I had in mind when we talked on the phone. How bout you talk about, like, recycling or something?
TOYOTA: Sit down, you!
Toyota reaches quickly into his gym bag, grabbing a throwing star. He launches it at the principal, purposely throwing it just a few inches over his head. He immediately wets himself and runs out of the gym in tears while Toyota laughs heartily.
TOYOTA: Now that hes gone we can get deeper into the hopelessness of your lives, kiddies. You may think theres hope now, but as you grow older that will dissipate. After youre forced to bathe in your dead dogs blood or play hopscotch using you left nipple as a marker, you will see what I mean. You will see everything.
RANDOM SMARKY KID: Woo! Youre so edgy.
TOYOTA: Shut up, cretin.
Toyota is none too happy with the interruption and checks another throwing star, nearly sending the tough guy who dare oppose straight to purgatory.
TOYOTA: I trust there will be no more interruptions. Now that weve got the fact that life sucks out of the way, lets focus on my dominance. Last week, despite the fact I was saddled with Barbosa as my partner, I was able to feed my inner cravings and absolutely decimate Saboteur and Action Saxton, two this companies supposed stars.
What has this company come to that allows for such delusional, pathetic excuses for men to become highly regarded? Their high standing just goes to show what a joke WZCW is today. Look at the World Title and the men that have held it recently. Big Dave, Barbosa, a washed up Titus, and Steven Kurtesy. Steven Kurtesy! These men have made that belt and this company completely worthless and I plan on changing that.
Im not going to win the World Title in order to help the company actually become successful again or to please the stockholders. No, Im going to win the World Title because its something I want, and also is something that will be quite the trading piece on the black market. Thats why I wore that silly robe for Ty Burna that week. Burna and his apostles are the only somewhat competent people around anymore, so why not join them? And to make it clear, Im no apostle to anyone. Im simply an associate specializing in pain, torture, and suffering. Deep suffering.
The boredom of the children at this point is unfathomable. They are being completely but to sleep by Toyotas bland promo set in such an illogical location. Fortunately, one of the braver, blacker kids speaks up.
BLACK KID: Yeah, but Action Saxton will kick your bootay on Meltdown this week, mothasucka!
Toyota quickly reaches into his bag to grab a throwing star, but decides against it. He has something better in mind.
TOYOTA: Im sure you like Action Saxton for all his cute, fun adventures he goes on, no? You like how he travels all over the world to exotic places like Wyoming and does cool stuff. Well, lemme tell you something, me and my Yakuza buddies go on some pretty damn cool adventures too. Luckily, I prepared this video presentation for you that Im sure youll enjoy.
Conveniently, there is a DVD player and screen available for Toyotas use and hes able to pop in his disc and play it no problem.
TOYOTA: Theres an adventure for you.
Toyota drops the mic, picks up his bag and boombox, and walks off with no absolutely no expression, leaving the room of terrified children.
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