Randy Studd stood alone at a bus stop with his Mayhem Championship in hand. He didn't appear to have let it go since he won it, presumably seeing it as some sort of validation of his lifestyle. Studd was tired of being without a woman to share it though, so he needed to try and find someone with whom he could spend enjoying the finer things in life. Studd was not Johnny Bravo. He could see that his recent escapades had led him up the garden path, but not towards the bushes, if you know what I mean.
Tucked into his coat jacket, surrounded by the title belt, Studd had a tattered old copy of a book. In his desperation he took it out and began to read. The title, now visible to anyone who could see him read "The Pick-Up Artist's Manual. 7 Steps to guarantee that she'll be gagging for you."
Before the bus came, a number of people walked past. Two teenage young men s******ed to themselves upon seeing the title, an old lady tutted and shook her head. Randy didn't care though as he was going to get the job done.
Finally the bus arrived, and he embarked. Immediately, his attention was drawn to a beautiful young woman sat alone. He moved to sit next to her, all the while he was still reading the book.
Step 1. Highlight your best asset, whether its your abs or your chequebook
Studd lingered over the words before deciding that the best asset was his Mayhem championship, tied around his waist. He subtly flashed the title by opening his jacket.
No response.
He opened up the jacket fully, to show the entire title.
No response.
He started to point at the title.
No response.
He said, as loudly as was reasonably possible "wow, this belt is so heavy"
No response.
He was sure she must have noticed though, the bus was absolutely silent and he made his way towards the empty seat.
Step 2. Assert your physical dominance
Studd sat slightly too close to the girl so that she was unable to avoid human contact. She moved closer to the window. Job done.
Step 3. Initiate conversation
Studd knew he needed to be subtle, and show off his own brilliance but without being too much of a big head.
"Have you seen my massive title?" He said.
No response.
"Do you know I'm a famous wrestler?"
No response.
"Hey, would you like my autograph?"
No response.
She hadn't even looked at him, but he was sure that she must now be engaged.
Step 4. Negging
This made him uncomfortable, but he knew the book wouldn't lie to him.
"That dress you've got on makes you look less fat, you know"
No response.
"Your makeup looks good too - you can't see any of your blemishes."
No response. She just stared out the window. Had he offended her? Of course not, she was just digging into her inner psyche, doubting herself and preparing to be swooped off her feet by this knight in velour trouser armour.
Step 5. Demonstrate your own vulnerability
Studd had to think about this for some time. He wasn't a very vulnerable person at all, such was his copious successes with the ladies. Such was his heartthrob status. And he held the Mayhem title, by now resting across his lap, as the girl stared out of the window. He finally thought of something to say.
"You know, ever since winning THIS MASSIVE CHAMPIONSHIP, I've felt like there was a crosshair on my back. I've barely got it in the kit bag, and yet now I have to face Yemrez. She's a tough nut to crack, and I feel threatened by her status as a powerful woman. Now, don't get me wrong, I can tame any powerful lady, and respectfully, but she is a formidable opponent. I intend to use this to my advantage and lure her into a false sense of security by showing my caring side, my vulnerable side, dare I say my feminine side, before unleashing my furious lustful anger upon her. It's frightening but, I can do it, with your support, I can do it."
No response.
By now Studd was sure that this woman knew the inevitable and was just resisting all temptation. She couldn't look out of the window forever, she must be taking it in - her ears were right next to him as he spoke.
Step 6. A final opportunity to pay a compliment
Studd didn't know much about her. He'd already complimented her looks, albeit without her knowing that he was secretly putting her down. He hadn't heard her say anything to him, so he couldn't really compliment her ideas or personality. Then it hit him.
"You're such a good listener, you've taken in everything I've said and helped me to process it all, you're a wonderful individual."
With that, two friends appeared and tapped the girl on the shoulder. They then signed at each other, before getting off the bus at the current stop, silently communicating as they went.
Perhaps she wasn't such a good listener, after all.
Step 7. Seal the deal
The bus rumbled on. Randy Studd looked forlorn, there was to be no tryst just yet.
"I'll put it down to practice" he said, before writing into the book, on page one, "CHECK IF THEY ARE DEAF FIRST"
