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EPISODE 4 - No Hope
It’s Wrestling WAR!
The evil bastards behind the IMPERIUM EMPIRE have tracked down the Salvific Alliance in a space
battle we were unable to show you here because we were preoccupied with all these buttons and shit that are in front of us on these damn expensive looking computer monitors! The Imperium Class Star Exploder Awesome 35 has entered the section of space nobody is allowed to fly in, because that’s how bad ass the IMPERIUM EMPIRE is…………
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IMPERIUM CLASS STAR EXPLODER - AWESOME 35 ---
The crew of the Star Exploder were busy in the large bridge area of the super class space ship. They were pressing buttons, talking loudly to each other about important topics, like space golf, and trying to keep their neatly ironed uniforms from wrinkling. The approaching sound of hard, armored boots on a freshly polished ramp way could be heard, then the breathing….
KOOOO PAAA !!! KOOOO PAAAA !!!
“Commander on deck!” A general barked and the two dozen bridge crew quickly stood at attention.
A figure in a long black cape appeared, he was wearing a black mask and a black suit, he had buttons on his chest that controlled his breathing….O.K a
Darth Vader suit alright? The helmet was modified and cut open at the top to let some blonde hair poke straight up.
It was
REMARKABLE DARTH KEATON.
He plucked the lit smoke from the hole filter in his mouth area and flicked it across the room. He walked to a nearby computer and a nervous general stared at him.
“Dude, where are the Salvific fighters that were promised in this area?”
“Lord Keaton…urk!” The general grabbed at his throat as Darth Keaton made a choking motion with his hand in the air, he was
Source Choking him.
“You have failed me for the first time, Burton! Feel the power of The Source!” Darth Keaton threw the man to the floor. He looked around the bridge for any more failures then focused his attention on the computer screen. It showed a fighter ship with snake designs on the hull, a
Salvific fighter.
“Gaston!” Keaton roared, looking around.
“Here lord Keaton!” A frail, old man called out from the back area of the bridge.
“Make me a sandwich. I want Tuna, cheese, mayo…..Gaston! Are you writing this down?!”
Gaston was clearing off his desk, frantically searching for a paper and pen.
“Fuck it! I will make it myself!” Keaton moved his hands in the air and after a few minutes, a sandwich floated through the air from the hallway, Keaton grabbed it and tried to shove it through the air filters of his mouth, making a white mess on the front of his mask.
The speakers on the bridge suddenly played an ominous music, Keaton tried wiping the mayo off of his mask.
EMPEROR CONSTANTINE walked on to the bridge, instead of his usual black robes of intimidation, he was also wearing a Darth Vader costume, but the arms were ripped off of the costume and he displayed his muscular arms as he walked towards his tag team partner.
“Dammit master,” Darth Keaton bowed
, “I wish I thought of that. My arms are the most muscular in the galaxy. Everyone knows that. Where is your traditional attire?”
“I made the mistake of sending it to the Laundry Troopers.” Constantine said as he viewed the computer screen. He switched the display to show a security feed of the Laundry Troopers in action….
The security image showed a Laundry Trooper missing the hole in the washer several times with loads of clothes. In the SPECIAL EDITION of this RP (that will come in about ten years from now) a funny GIF with a Stormtrooper missing the laundry when throwing in a load of clothes, will be added.
“Walk with me around the bridge.” Emperor Constantine commanded, Darth Keaton complied and kept pace with the strong Source user as they slowly walked around the bridge, the vast space and stars as a beautiful backdrop outside the durasteel glass.
“At Kingdom Come Eight, we face a tough test. We face a Salvific Alliance that is strong, they are determined.”
“They’re called Salvific Knights right?”
Constantine stopped and turned, he pointed an accusing finger at Keaton, “
They are not Knights yet! They won’t be Knights until they topple The Imperium EMPIRE! Do you think they stand a chance, my young apprentice?”
They continued to walk around the bridge, casually pushing bridge workers out of the way with The Source.
“Tony Mancini and (Name I hate spelling) have started a movement, my master dude. The people of Coruscant have started gathering in waves, they think that Serpiente and Mancini can free them. I haven’t been modifying my tag team championship belt for nothing, there’s no way I’m letting it go now.”
“What do you mean? Modifying it? That’s forbidden!”
“I just added a few diamonds to it, it sparkles a little more than yours does now.”
WARMPHH !! WARG !! WARMPH!! WARNMMM!!!!
A huge, brown haired
Wookie walked on to the bridge.
“CHEWHUNNICUT! Who let you out?!” Darth Keaton yelled.
ARGGH!! AWRAA!!! WARMPHHH!!!
“I know, I know! Kingdom Come is coming soon, Reynolds will be destroyed! I keep telling you it’s just a matter of time, man!”
A middle aged bridge employee jumped up and got everyone’s attention.
“Sir! We have an incoming SALVIFIC FIGHTER!” They watched the view as a tiny ship approached. It fired lasers at them, it was hard not to bust out laughing.
“Fire.” Emperor Constantine commanded, but his voice was shaky, it was obvious he was smiling ear to ear under his mask.
The tiny ship exploded, remarkably.
“What were we talking about again?” Constantine turned towards Keaton.
“Something about why my tag team title belt is ten times better looking than yours is right now.”
“Never mind that, we have to travel to Coruscant and convince these Salvific supporters that it’s in their best interest to support the IMPERIUM EMPIRE instead of those pathetic scum.”
“Why do you scream Imperium Empire when you say it, dude? You don’t have to be so dramatic all the time.”
“I’ll be in the Imperium Shuttle. Get your helmsman to take us to Coruscant immediately.” Constantine walked off of the bridge. Darth Keaton strolled over to his helmsman, an overweight man in his late fifties.
“Take us to Coruscant! Now! Don’t make me ask twice!” Keaton crossed his arms to try and look tough.
The overweight man immediately started sweating. He sat in the rusty seat and grabbed a huge handle. He tried putting the Star Exploder in gear, he made a slight whimpering noise as he grinded the gears. A huge scraping noise drowned everything out on the bridge. Everyone covered their ears while the screeching metal continued.
“The CLUTCH! You fucktit! Press the CLUTCH!”
EVERYONESAWSTARWARSEVERYONESAWSTARWARSEVERYONESAWS TARWARSEVERYONESAWSTARWARSEV
5 Grinding Hours Later....
Coruscant is a city planet located in the center of the Galaxy. It’s the main hub for all trade, Imperium business and the central base for all evil clans. Some good clans too, but who gives a shit about good clans?
In the heart of Central City, hundreds of people gathered. There were Salvific Alliance supporters chanting for change, they stood in front of a huge stage set up for speakers. Some of the supporters carried signs like -
Corellian Stallion- and -
Serpiente is a god - One alien started waving a huge flag with an Image of Tony Mancini and Serpiente on it. Tony had a smirk on and Serpiente was just behind his right shoulder, she looked more serious. Both had their fists up and showed power and the will to fight. A Salvific speaker walked up on stage and stepped up to the podium. He had a black bowler hat on and a thick mustache.
“Youse folks right here want a change?! I’m talkin bout a real change ya hear me?! We don wanna put up wit dese assholes no more! Dese mothafuckas keep rasin da taxes! We need da Tony to helpa us outta! WAAAAAA!!! It’s a meee Mario!”
Everyone looked to the sky as several Imperium shuttles flew over head then landed nearby. They erupted in boo’s and catcalls. Emperor Constantine and Darth Keaton slowly walked on stage, Constantine had a fresh layer of oil rubbed on his muscular arms, Darth Keaton lit his red lightsaber to light a smoke. The Salvific speaker quickly ran back to the crowd. Constantine brought the mic closer to his mouth area of his helmet and addressed the crowd.
“People of Coruscant! People of the galaxy, I come to you today a humble Emperor. I have heard your cries of change, your cries of justice and equality. I do not ignore such cries. I want to do what is best for the galaxy. I do not want you to go down the wrong path. That is why I have an offer for you all….”
The two additional Imperium shuttles made a hissing noise, hundreds of Stormtroopers in white armor poured out of the ships and made a huge line to the crowd’s immediate right.
“….join the Imperium Empire or….”
“FIRE!” Darth Keaton screamed into the mic.
All the Stormtroopers followed the order and immediately started firing red laser bolts into the crowds. The first of the bolts hit a woman carrying a loaf of bread, the bolt hit her in the head and she did a back flip over the second row of people. The bread bounced on the ground and was never mentioned in the RP again. The man waving the flag took a laser bolt right through the neck, he somehow let out a Wilhelm Scream before he fell to the ground. The Stormtroopers continued to fire lasers into the crowd and the screaming started to die down. Eventually, everyone was dead with burning holes in their corpses.
“Really Mark? I was trying to scare them into joining the Imperium Empire.”
“Hey, remember in the ship? I was just doing what you do master.”
“Well, they won’t be bothering us anymore. Now the Salvific Alliance has no backing or support. They will fall at Kingdom Come Eight. Mwaaa haaa haa haa haa haa haa CACKLE!”
“Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!! HOOO ha ha ha haaaa!”
“No, no my young apprentice. Your evil laughter should go like this….mwaaa at the start, then the laughter can continue. Try it.”
“Do or do not, there is no try.”
“Fuck off and try the evil laugh.”
“Mwaaa har har hee hee hoooo!!!”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
“What?!"
“I knew I had a bad feeling about this!”
“Dude!”
“It’s MWAAAA HAA HAA HAA HAAAAAA!!! You can even add a cackle!”
“OHHHH MWAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA AND A CACKLE!!!”
The camera man had enough of the exchange as he panned the dead crowd of people. Some people had it worse than others, some of the head shots were particularly brutal as half of the skull was missing and the hair was flapped over to show scorched flesh. Two human’s had missing arms from the
X390 Series that fired off a more powerful stream of lasers that would melt arms and legs on impact. The
X390 Laser rifle was illegal, so whoever was shooting that gun should face some stiff fines when he returns to duty on the Star Exploder. I’m serious! They don’t fuck around with gun laws in the Imperium Empire. The cameraman panned more bodies like a sick bastard until he came to the middle of the carnage, the large Salvific flag was burning. The image of Tony Mancini and Serpiente striking a heroic pose was starting to slowly turn black from the fire, until a circle of sparkling orange engulfed it and there was nothing left but black ash.
DIRECTED BY JEFF DELIVERER OF MAIL
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