Welcome, on and all, to what I hope will be a brand new staple in the JTMFTG. That, my friends, is taking a visit into John Tenta's Vault. It is here where I review the absolute worst pay per views, decided on by you, the readers. Let me tell... Watching bad gimmicks is one thing. Any time a bad gimmick comes on television, you can simply change the channel. While a bad gimmick can be painful for the audience, it actually does the company very little damage. Now, if the character is racist, misogynist, then that's totally a different thing, and can be quite harmful to the company. But in total, a bad gimmick really doesn't hurt too much. Sometimes, it may even be ok, and catch on a little bit, for whatever the reason may have been. Sure, the wrestler may be hurt, but there's always plenty of chances for good, talented wrestlers. As long as you have the tools, you'll always find a place in the wrestling business.
Now, a bad pay per view? That's something you can't ignore. Especially if you purchased it. If you've bought a bad pay per view, there is no changing channels. After all, you paid for it, and who are you to to waste forty bucks? Nope, you simply have to sit there, mulling your mistake, and considering what that forty dollars could have gone to. Groceries, possibly could have been a choice. Maybe a stripper or two. But now you'll never see that money back, because it's gone to ruin. You just purchased a horrendous pay per view. And now, you're going to have to sit there, and just take it. It's like being the new guy at prison, only worse. It's like water torture, only more taxing on your sanity. And when it's over, you swear to yourself, so God help me, I'll never, ever, fall for it again.
And there you are, next month, doing the same damn thing. Pay per views are always going to have bad matches, lame gimmicks, and just flat out tomfoolery. However, when that tomfoolery overtakes the shower, it puts itself in the "bad" category. There, we here at the JTMFTG take this new found rsearch, and lock it away into a vault, never to be seen by the public eye. Until today, that is. Yes, today we open up our vault, and relive all of the atrocities of the past. Just take solace in the fact that none of you had to endure this, and that I will be watching all of these pay per views, Yes, I will relive all the pain for you, and write it down in my little black book, so you all can laugh at my torture. Hey, it comes with a territory working at this place. You have to expect some sort of Hell in your pay per views, especially when you work at the JTMFTG. And thus, today, I'm saddened to say I've sat down to watch all of these old tapes, over again, for your enjoyment. I hope you realize... This was more painful than I can describe in words. So without further ado, let's bring to you the first showing from John Tenta's Vault:
Oh God... This is going to be bad. This is going to be very, very bad. It'll be the first time matchup of Hulk Hogan and The Giant. No, not Andre the Giant, The Giant. That becomes important later. You see, at this time, Hogan was locked in a feud with the Dungeon of Doom. This was WCW's attempt to build a stable in which weighed more than the population of Serbia-Montenegro. All of the guys whom were washed up in the WWE sought refuge with this group, all Hell bent on destroying one thing. No, not ratings or buy rates. That just came to them naturally. No, they were on a mission to destroy Christiani... Err... Hulkamania. Sorry, I tend to get those things confused from time to time. So anyway, Hulk Hogan took the sins of the world, and decided to sacrifice himself to fight this Dungeon of Doom, headed by perhaps the worst wrestler to ever main event a WCW pay per view, "The Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan. And, pretty much single-handedly, Hogan did exactly that, wiping the floor with such main event names as Kamala, The Shark, Zodiac, and the One Man Gang. Oh, the terror. Still, that dreaded Dungeon had one more trick up their sleeve. Something that was as distasteful as it sounds, with half the entertainment value. They decided to pick up the son of Andre the Giant, The Giant. Yes, they insinuated, even outright said, that Paul Wight's father was Andre the Giant.
Why Andre was so unoriginal in naming his children, no one will ever know. Still, this was the Dungeon's last hope, really, and the only way to destroy Hulkamania. So, thus, it was decided that at Halloween Havoc, they would have two matches. One would be a Monster Truck Rally Sumo Match, in which their cars were attached to the bumper, and they pushed one another out of the circle. I wish I was joking with you right now. The other would be a match for Hulk's Heavyweight Title. This story is basically told in the intro, except told with seventh grade pictures glued together behind third grade drawings. That's pretty much the extent of this video. Makes me appreciate how far technology had come. Then again, this was pretty bad, even for the era it was in. For some reason, they refer to the ring as a fortress. What? Does that even make any sense? Will they be wrestling in a cage? Actually, no, that would come at Superbrawl VI, but it's still a very odd way to refer to a ring. Has anyone ever heard that term used to describe a ring? Anyone? Anyway, we begin with Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan talking about the card. Apparently, Tony felt the need to clarify the year is 1995, though the promo guy just said that literally ten seconds ago. Way to go, Tony, way to go. At least he has yet to call it the most important night in professional wrestling. Nope, wait, there he went. God, I can see why people hated this guy at this point. He was pretty God awful. I hear he does commentary for the Atlanta Braves now. Thank God I'm in Connecticut. He also says they'll do battle not once, but twice, for the first time ever. Now that definitely doesn't make any sense. Either you're facing for the first time, or fighting twice, but there's no way to face a face someone twice for the first time. It simply defies the Laws of Physics. Heenan is there, though he's highly watered down at this point. Very sad to think of how misused he was. They air clips of the Monster Truck match that actually occurred the night before. Wouldn't you think the fans that went to the Joe Louis Arena would notice that two big monster trucks are on top of the roof next to them? How do you get away with that kind logic? The answer is you don't. Apparently, the news is that Ric Flair was attacked backstage by Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman. This is going to lead to a rant later on, proving why Sting must be the most idiotic face in the history of professional wrestling. Heenan's laugh to the side pretty good. He just asked if Flair thought he was dealing with Friends from Friends. Was that show really that early? Anyway, Tony says something about sushi. Ok then. They then awkwardly segue that into the first match, between Johnny B. Badd and Diamond Dallas Page.
1st Match: Johnny B. Badd VS. DDP, Television Title Match
Apparently, this is over DDP costing JBB (Wow. That's pretty good, actually) a shot at the United States Title. He did so by slashing his tires on Saturday Night, making Badd late for his US Title shot. Now, the thing is, the US Champion at this point was actually Sting. Did Johnny B. Badd really think he was going to beat Sting? I know every wrestler believes in himself, but really, Sting is a former Heavyweight Champion. You're biggest claim to fame is being a Lil' Richard knock off. Who do you think is going over in that match? Anyway, DDP's rationale was that he deserves the shot over JBB. So apparently, neither of them are getting US Title shots, and are now facing each other for the Television Title. Way to go boys, that's real progress there. DDP comes out first, with Kimberly and Maxx Muscle. Kimberly was smoking hot. Maxx... Well, he was a jobber. He looked big, but was absolute shit. Johnny comes out next, and does his little showing of his cape which says "Badd Man". Oh, the agony of puns. Badd continues to do this for a while, and we see DDP just staring at him. we look at the ring, and Badd's behind Page. He had a double fool DDP, so he could get the upper hand. That's actually really creative. Right hands and a high knee takes Page down. Johnny sends Page shoulder first into the corner and Page goes to the outside. I don't understand why heels don't use this tactic more. It draws instant heat, gives a good rest, and prolongs the match a bit. Though that's going to become a problem later. Johnny attacks Page and Muscle on the outside. They're in the crowd and Badd sends Page into the guard rail. A little mark in me would like to think EC-Dub. Then I see it's Badd and Page again. Curses, foiled again. Johnny somehow gets a bucket and puts it over the head of Page and sends him into the ring post. That's actually really good, too. Maybe Badd wasn't as shit as I made him out to be. He doesn't have much personality, but he's not horrendous. He'd go on to play Marc Mero in the WWF, with his gorgeous wife Sable as his valet. Why the fuck did WCW not use her as a manager? I mean, honestly. Savage was allowed to use Elizabeth, and Sable is smoking in 1996. Eh, guess it's not that big. She'd lead to Mero's downfall anyway, as she was more over than he was. Johnny wrenches on the arm of DDP. Page sends Johnny down by the hair a few times but Johnny gets up and sends DDP down by the hair and places Page into the arm lock. Pretty basic stuff here, as it's starting off pretty slow. I always thought Page was underrated at this point, though it's obscene how overrated he'd be by 1999. Who'd have thought, huh? This was actually his prime years, if you think about it. He didn't win his first Heavyweight Title until he was thirty nine. Batista thinks that's old. Anyway, Page with a knee and elbow to the neck. After going off the ropes, Johnny connects with a hip toss. 2 count. Something tells me this match is going to take a while. Johnny has DDP in a corner and begins to deliver three right hands but DDP connects with the snake eyes on the top turnbuckle. I never considered Page tall enough to do that move. He hits some kicks to the gut. Page sends Johnny chest first into the corner and connects with a back suplex... Kimberly gives Page the "10" sign. I actually kinda liked that ten sign. Strange, but a good way to get heat. Again, Page and Kim were underrated together. Maxx... Well, he's still shit. This match is starting to drag, as Page has him in a chin lock. Badd fights up, but Page pulls him down by his hair, only to get a near fall. All Page at this point, and I guess I should see a Badd rally coming. Just as I say that, Badd hits a backslide for a near fall. Nevermind, Page just hit a brutal clothesline. That was pretty sick, actually. Again, more Page offense until Badd hits a sunset flip. Page reverses for a near fall, which then gets reversed again for another near fall. Then page kicks him in the head. I actually kind of laugh at that. Not sure why. Page gets more heat now. Page drops an elbow onto Johnny. Page gets his tape off of his wrist and chokes Johnny. Johnny is "out cold", and Kimberly is upset. Boy, I know how to console her. Do I ever. The typical rise from the dead scene happens, and I still wonder why people bother getting invested. You know what's going to happen, so what's the point? How many matches have legitimately ended on a sleeper? Johnny with a hard right to the midsection. Johnny trips Page up. Johnny ducks a hard right and connects with two atomic drops. As if one atomic drop didn't do enough damage. I'm pretty sure most guys are pretty numb to that. Here comes the comeback, with a head scissors. Kimberly gives him a ten. I'm going to refrain from the obvious thing to say here. Now they're getting in some good offense, with a sit-out powerbomb. Jumping DDT by Page, and they're both down. I wish this match had started out this way. Instead of being excited for some good offense, I'm just kinda thinking that the match is dragging. Page tries to send Badd over the top rope, but Badd reverses, and Page goes over. Wasn't that a disqualification for WCW at that point? I can't help but feel it was. Badd hits the Badd Day, which is pretty much a somersault onto the ground. That's actually a pretty nice move. I don't understand how Mero didn't get over more than he did. He at least could have been an upper mid carder. Back in the ring, and Johnny dropkicks DDP into Maxx, and gets a roll up. Two count. Johnny gets sent out, and Maxx takes care of him. Badd fights him off, and we now have Badd back on the apron. Back in the ring, Page holds Badd, as Maxx prepares to clothesline him. Maxx misses, hits Page, and Badd gets the cover. End of the match. That's it? Really?
Rating: I'll give it a B-. Plenty of goof offense here, but the match seemed to drag. I think this match got the most time on the card. Why is the TV Championship getting the most time? Can't they tell we're on pay per view? Bad jokes aside, I was also not a fan of the ending. You mean to tell me after all that, that's how the match ends? I'd rather have seen the clothesline, with Badd hitting his finisher. That just makes Page look a little weak, and builds Maxx way too much.
Hey, did you know Hulk Hogan and The Giant were facing one another in a Sumo Monster Truck Match?
2nd Match: Randy Savage VS. Zodiac
I love Bobby's line that Zodiac has obviously been riding with the top down in the convertible. Zodiac is Ed Leslie, repackaged in zebra attire, hair sticking up kind of like a faux hawk, and always saying only "Yes" or "No". Schiavone tries some bad humor with that. Tony, just face facts; you're not that funny. Savage comes out to a killer version of his WWE theme. Really, that was actually better the old Pomp and Circumstance he used to use. It had more of a 90s feel to it, and that "Ooh Yeah" at the beginning was pretty good, too. Savage is also possibly the best dressed man in wrestling. Only one man can pull off that look, while wearing neon yellow and purple. That man is Randy Savage, in case I didn't make it obvious. Tony points out that if Randy beats Zodiac, and Lex Luger beats Meng, they wrestle against one another later tonight. That's just dumb to me. Why not just book the match if you wanted it? This really just was to put two extra matches on the card. Savage kisses a pretty girl on his way to the ring. Guess Steph wasn't in sight. Anyway, the match begins with Savage jumping Zodiac. Apparently Hogan isn't happy about Savage, Luger, and Sting wanting to be champion. Do we really need another Hogan reference here? We get it. Hogan's champ. Now I see why some people in the IWC hate him. A fan enters the ring, beats up on Savage and Zodiac. Wow. He actually just kinda walked in calmly. He was on the apron for a little while, and no one tried to stop him. That's a sign of how bad this show will get; not even security is paying attention to what's going on. It takes Tony about ten seconds to notice the fan in the ring. My God, is anyone watching this? Seriously, what the Hell, guys? Bobby says the guy probably had too many cheap beers. I think that's a good line. Is that fan Stevie Richards? It kinda looks like Stevie Richards. They brawl outside, Zodiac and Savage I mean. Zodiac uses the ring post and rams Savage's head into it. Spoiler Alert: The fan gets the biggest pop of the night, folks. That should tell you enough. The announcers finally point out it was supposed to be Kamala in this match. Heenan says The Taskmaster beat up Kamala, and that's why he's not here. I'd love to see that; I really would. Missed headbutt by Zodiac, as Savage blatantly tells Zodiac to go home. It's pretty obvious. Savage with an elbow, and that's your match. Schiavone implies the match could've lasted twenty five minutes. That's pretty poor calculation on Tony's part. Heenan says Savage jumped off the top like a gazelle. Bobby, that was pretty bad, man. I doubt Gazelles jump at an angle that has them going completely down. Gazelles jump and down, not just purely down. Know your animal common sense, Bobby.
Rating: D-. And that's being gracious. This wasn't even really supposed to be Zodiac/Savage, but the match went about ninety seconds, and a fan ran into the ring. That was the most exciting part of the match. Maybe N/A is more applicable, but this was just a waste of time. It sets up for what I assume will be Savage/Luger tonight.
Johnny B Badd is with Mene Gene Okurlund. Now I see what's so bad about Badd; his promos are atrocious. He says he's going to work hard, and give it 100%. Got any more cliches at this time? Mean Gene talks about getting drunk and doing the Fruity Tootie. Or something like that.
They play footage of Kurasawa breaking Road Warrior Hawk's arm. This was when the Road Warriors were split up. Apparently, Hawk signed a deal to work in Japan without telling Animal, which left him holding the bag. It's a pretty sad story, actually, as one of the greatest tag teams would never be the same. Anyway, now we get this match.
3rd Match: Kurasawa VS. Road Warrior Hawk:
I almost feel bad reviewing a Road Warrior match without Animal. It's just really not the same. It's the same outfit and everything. But it's just not my Road Warriors I used to know. Kurasawa was a guy that worked really wild. He apparently represented Japan in the 1992 Olympics in Greco Roman wrestling. Fun little tidbit there, I suppose. And he learned the infamous "Road Warrior workout", which apparently he taught to KENTA and Kensuke Sasaki. Eh, seems to work pretty well for them. This is all Hawk until Kurasawa gets a scoop slam in. Hawk gets up, and clotheslines Kurasawa over the top rope. Again, over the top rules here? Kurasawa slams Hawk's wing into the ring post. I really couldn't resist. He gets him up for a Samoan Drop back in the ring, and puts his feet on the ropes. Wait, that's it? What the Hell?
Rating: D+. Seriously, what is up with these short matches here? There's Monday Night Raw short, and then there's this. Hawk beats on him all day, and then just gets beat like that? I think perhaps someone said to go home. Maybe Hawk was legitimately hurt. I doubt it though, as he'd be at the next PPV. Nakanishi is apparently now the IWGP Heavyweight Champion. Who knew that when all was said and done, Kurasaw was going to be a Heavyweight Champion?
Gene is standing by with Randy Savage. Randy's talking about beating Zodiac, then he randomly tells Mean Gene his mustache looks crooked. You see, this is why people thought Randy was a crackhead. I can't say I argue that claim. They get into potshots over facial hair. This has to be the most insane promo I've ever seen. He talks about his curiousity is killing him like a cat by the curiousity. What? Wait, what? I'm just going to stop translating Savage to say he's talking about Hogan/Giant. He says he as interest, and that he's going to be a participant, and he's going to be watching through the video scope. Seriously, why do people think he was so fantastic at promos? This was just random, and very bizarre. Let's just move on.
4th Match: Mr. JL VS. Sabu
Oh yes. ECW marks, rejoice, as Sabu has made it in the program. I think he may have had a month or two stint with WCW, what with the talent exchange and all, before he went back to ECW. It's just really weird to see him in the ring. The Sheik's with him, as this is Detroit, and he is Sabu's uncle. Bobby points to the Sheik's history. Tony Schiavone just kind of sits there, and wonders what the fuck is going on. Mr. JL is actually Jerry Lynn, by the way. This has all the making to actually be entertaining. Sabu rolls to the outside and he sends JL into the guard rail. Sabu springboards off the middle rope and connects with a moonsault. Sabu leaps into the air but JL ducks. I suppose this would be a predecessor to the Cruiserweights. Good, fast paced action here. Sabu goes for a moonsault, and misses, so JL goes for one. See, this could be really good. JL with a sit out powerbomb, and Sabu recovers to whip JL into the corner groin first. And then a German Suplex off the middle rope. How I'm not sure, but that was pretty fantastic. This match is moving awfully fast... Why do I have a bad feeling it's going to end soon. Probably because it is. Sabu with a split legged moonsault, and that's it. Sheik throws fire into JL's face, and that's your match.
Rating: C-. It was good for the time it got, but that's just it. They didn't get much time. They had three minutes, and that's all. You mean to tell me the TV Title gets seventeen minutes, but this only gets three? What's wrong with this picture here?
Taskmaster and the Master are in the aisle. God, can I skip this? I'm really beginning to regret this choice. Something about the sun and moon. However thought this was a good idea to bring in King Curtis Iakeau was off their rocker. This is just a poor promo saying Hulkamania is screwed. We get it; monster truck fight. It's coming. We know.
5th Match: Meng VS. Lex Luger Tony mentions that Lex could be a member of the Dungeon of Doom. Well, he's not fat, he doesn't have a bad gimmick, and he doesn't look like he's vastly limited in believability. Totally couldn't be a member of the Dungeon of Doom. Meng really is a scary guy. Apparently, he was once a body guard for the King of Tonga, or something like that. People talk about how legit of a tough guy he is, either biting of someone's nose, or almost killing Ed Leslie. Seriously, the only person that stopped him was Hulk, because Meng respected him. Side headlock by Luger, Luger with a boot to the midsection and he sends Meng chest first into the corner. I've always kinda liked Luger. He's not fantastic, but he's also not as bad as people make him out to be. He was the longest reigning US Champion. He's a former Heavyweight Champion, and had a killer feud with Ric Flair in JCP. Seriously, just because he's a bit limited, we don't like him? Meng charges into a corner and Luger gets the boot up. Luger goes off the ropes and clotheslines Meng over the top rope. I'm giving up on this whole top rope crap. This is basically two guys beating one another up. As I write this, Sheamus has won the WWE Title. Lex Luger is totally better than Sheamus. Meng with a nice looking pile driver... 2 count. Meng begins to choke Luger. Meng with a rear chin lock. Luger fights back with elbows, and goes off the ropes and connects with a cross body... 2 count. I'm actually surprised he hit a cross body. I don't think I've ever seen that happen. Meng sends Luger to the outside and Kevin Sullivan is talking to Luger on the floor. Way to blow the surprise before it even happens, guys. Back in the ring, Meng lands some stiff kicks. Typically, Luger has a habit of overselling. In this case, I think it's legit. Meng is stiff as they come in the ring, and his kicks were notoriously hard. I wonder what I'd rather have; Chris Benoit chops, or Meng kicks to the stomach. Meng looks for a dropkick but Luger hangs onto the top rope and sends Meng onto the apron. Luger suplexes Meng into the ring. Meng somehow manages to get up first. I'm just really not all that shocked. They should really wrap this up soon; it's slow, and the offense is mainly chops, kicks, and other such things. Luger hits a powerslam and motions for the Rack. I don't think I've ever seen Meng submit. The closest he came was passing out to Benoit's crossface. Why the sudden references to Benoit? He's going to be debuting in WCW soon enough. Meng has the foreign spike, and jams it into Luger. He goes for the pin, but as he does, Taskmaster comes up on the apron. He gets in the ring and stomps Luger. Are you serious? That's the ending here?
Rating:C+. I'm sorry, but that ending was horrific. Sullivan went to all that trouble, and got Luger that beat up, just to get his guy disqualified. What's the point? Oh, that's right, it's WCW booking, and now they have to do a quasi-swerve. That's just really dumb. If you're going to turn Luger heel, do it outright.
Giant with a promo. Shouldn't he be on Cobo Hall right now? You know how difficult it's going to be to get on top of a building. Especially with rush hour traffic. He says he's going to shove Hogan off the roof. WCW isn't that dumb, are they? The Giant has good intensity, but his promos aren't great at that point. They don't have to be; he's a Giant. All he has to do is look intense. Good segment here.
6th Match: Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman VS. Sting and Ric Flair
This comes as Arn and Ric are feuding at this point. They had a great match to prove who was the better man at Fall Brawl. Arn won, but you got a lot of convincing to do before I believe Arn's anywhere near the stature of Flair. Ric needs a partner, so he turns to Sting to help. Sting is reluctant. I mean, after all, this is Ric Flair. But Sting, being the dumbest face in the history of professional wrestling, decides to take him up on the chance. Flair happens to be coincidentally hurt before the show, so Sting has to go it all by himself for a while. This is your match of the night.
Rating:B+. From a match standpoint, this was great. You have four great workers, going against one another, and it's good chemistry. They worked a fast pace match in which didn't go too long, and seemed as though the fans enjoyed it. Plus, that promo was just really good. Brain's line to Tony of, "If you weren't here, it'd be more fun" pretty much sums up my opinion. Now from a booking standpoint, Sting looks like an absolute moron. Think Sting... You're getting in the ring with Anderson and Pillman. They came out as "The Horsemen". Ric Flair is "injured" and leaves you all alone. And you really don't suspect a thing? This is fucking Ric Flair, Sting. Of course he's going to backstab you. It's what he does. Everyone saw this coming a mile away. Everyone except Sting, that is. And I hate how poorly he gets booked here.
Now we get the Monster Truck Match. Look, there's so much I can say here. But I can't do this piece of shit justice. I really can't. So I'm not even going to try. You see for yourself. Eric Bischoff has joined commentary. Apparently, he's a monster truck expert. Allright, let's get down to this:
This was horrific. Poor acting, poor action. There is no redeeming quality to this segment. It's tasteless, it's poorly done, and it's just flat out stupid. Katie Vick laughs at how moronic this is. Even when Bobby tries to explain the events you will see later, Eric doesn't get it, and shoots it down. All logic is thrown out by this event. And you'll see why soon.
7th Match: Lex Luger VS. Randy Savage
Second match for both men. See, this should have just been what was done in the first place. None of this crap on having to face the Dungeon of Doom. Just allow this match to go on. It's not like they're poor workers, or need credibility. They have plenty of credibility, I promise you. Luger wants to shake hands and Savage kicks Luger in the gut. Luger comes back with a running clothesline. Here comes Jimmy Hart. That usually screams cheap win coming. This is actually a pretty back and forth match. Luger with a hard right. Luger knees Savage to the outside. This is a brawl, and it isn't bad, but it isn't great, either. The announcers keep asking if someone's going to turn on Hogan. You think? They also try to act sad at what we can only assume was The Giant's death. Heenan looking for answers on how he's doing just isn't entertaining to listen to. Though he does say he knew his father very well. At least he's keeping up with kayfabe, regardless of how bad it is. This isn't a bad match, but all the credibility has been shot of this pay per view. Nothing is to be taken seriously anymore. Savage wins with a flying elbow.
Rating:C-. It's really not their fault. They just had to follow that piece of shit. Savage/Steamboat couldn't look good compared to that. And Luger is clearly no Steamboat.
Match 9: Hulk Hogan VS. The Giant, WCW Heavyweight TitleWe now come to the main event. Well, we have about twenty minutes left, so spoiler alert: The Giant isn't dead. Hulk comes out in all black. This is pre-Hollywood look, and it actually seems ok. Who knew that this would be the precursor to Hollywood Hogan. To answer your question, no one. Not even the bookers. Hogan comes out, and pretends to feel sorry for what happened. He really is a terrible actor. No wonder Suburban Commando bombed. He apologizes to the fans. Just then, we get Dungeon of Doom music. He's alive. Yes, The Giant is fucking alive. He survived a fall off Cobo Hall, and now he's coming for Hogan.
Umm... Andy Dick, take it away.
Took the words out of my mouth. Right out of there. Do you want us to take you as a credible challenger to the WWE, WCW? I know WWE had some garbage at this point. But this was just bad on all fronts. No one is going to believe a man fell off a building, only to be okay, and show, in his wrestling gear, ready to fight in about twenty minutes. It just isn't logical. Anyway, the look on Hogan's face is priceless. Bobby cheerleads Giant along, and that's just fantastic. Why couldn't you have Bobby Heenan do this on a consistent basis, WCW? Hogan begins to "Hulk up"... only for Giant to bring him back down. That's something I like... Hulk tries it many times, and The Giant just swats it down. It makes Hogan actually human, and makes the Giant look uber strong. Then again, I guess that's what the whole Cobo Hall thing is for. Actually commentary during this match from Hogan; "He is too strong"... he said the same thing about Vader... and beat him every time. Hell, he said the same thing about The Giant's "father". That went pretty well for him. Giant scoop slams Hogan, and misses a leg drop. Hogan then rams his head into the turnbuckle, punches him ten times, and bites the Giant. Is Hulk working as the Heel here? I can't help but feel like he's being the heel. Then he pokes him in the eyes, too. Seriously, Hulk is working as the heel here. I guess he was wearing black, but he wasn't a heel, per se. Still, The Giant takes over, and starts to actually dominant. I'm fairly surprised with how this match is going. Apparently falling from Cobo Hall is a damn good bit of luck. The Giant locks in a bear hug that seems to last for fucking ever. I actually had time to walk my dog, and they were still in the god damn bear hug. Hogan eventually punches out, but walks right into a chokeslam. I can't get too excited. This is Hogan after all. And yes, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up. This is really going downhill fast. Punches, Big Boot, slams him, then Leg Drop. The slam was kinda meh. It was more important when he did it to Andre needless to say. Jimmy Hart just hit the referee with the World Title?!?!?!?!?!? What the Fuck? Jimmy turns heel on Hulk. That's actually not half bad. Trust me, it'll get worse. Much worse. Jimmy then pleads innocence to Hogan. Well, let's see, Hulk. Jimmy's the only guy standing. He's standing right over the referee. And your belt, which has been in Jimmy's hands all match, is on the ground. You do the math. Yep, Hart clonks Hogan to a no sell. Hogan grabs Hart, and Giant is back up. He goes to the bear hug. Hogan is out, while Lex and Randy run down to the ring, to help Hulk. Well, they're being summoned by Jimmy Hart, who just turned heel. Who do you think they're going to help. Actually, only Luger attacks Hogan, then stomps on Savage.
Then, of all clusterfucks, The Yet-ay comes out to the ring. Yes, you read that right. He was a mummy frozen in a block of ice. You make sense of it. He actually is taller than The Giant. Too bad he looks ridiculous. Is he dry humping Hulk Hogan?!?!?!?!?!?! What the Hell is this. He just got behind Hulk, and starts dry humping him. Maybe he was giving him Polar love. I don't know. That just looks ridiculous. I've given up. This is far more absurdity than I can handle.
Rating: F-. This was boring, it wasn't fun to watch, and was a complete clusterfuck. This may be the worst main event ever. This was so bad, words don't describe. I want to send my eyeballs to Hong Kong after witnessing this. It's that bad. I can't find anything I actually like about this. This goes as far back as possible.
Show Rating:D+ The only saving grace is a decent match between Badd and Page, and a good tag match between Flair, Sting, Pillman, and Anderson. This was clearly a show to further stories. The problem is, the stories made no fucking sense. None at all. This was WCW booking in that day. Throw shit on the wall, and hope it sticks. This was just horrible. Easily the worst Pay Per View of All Time. At least for now...
Now, a bad pay per view? That's something you can't ignore. Especially if you purchased it. If you've bought a bad pay per view, there is no changing channels. After all, you paid for it, and who are you to to waste forty bucks? Nope, you simply have to sit there, mulling your mistake, and considering what that forty dollars could have gone to. Groceries, possibly could have been a choice. Maybe a stripper or two. But now you'll never see that money back, because it's gone to ruin. You just purchased a horrendous pay per view. And now, you're going to have to sit there, and just take it. It's like being the new guy at prison, only worse. It's like water torture, only more taxing on your sanity. And when it's over, you swear to yourself, so God help me, I'll never, ever, fall for it again.
And there you are, next month, doing the same damn thing. Pay per views are always going to have bad matches, lame gimmicks, and just flat out tomfoolery. However, when that tomfoolery overtakes the shower, it puts itself in the "bad" category. There, we here at the JTMFTG take this new found rsearch, and lock it away into a vault, never to be seen by the public eye. Until today, that is. Yes, today we open up our vault, and relive all of the atrocities of the past. Just take solace in the fact that none of you had to endure this, and that I will be watching all of these pay per views, Yes, I will relive all the pain for you, and write it down in my little black book, so you all can laugh at my torture. Hey, it comes with a territory working at this place. You have to expect some sort of Hell in your pay per views, especially when you work at the JTMFTG. And thus, today, I'm saddened to say I've sat down to watch all of these old tapes, over again, for your enjoyment. I hope you realize... This was more painful than I can describe in words. So without further ado, let's bring to you the first showing from John Tenta's Vault:
WCW Halloween Havoc, 1995
Oh God... This is going to be bad. This is going to be very, very bad. It'll be the first time matchup of Hulk Hogan and The Giant. No, not Andre the Giant, The Giant. That becomes important later. You see, at this time, Hogan was locked in a feud with the Dungeon of Doom. This was WCW's attempt to build a stable in which weighed more than the population of Serbia-Montenegro. All of the guys whom were washed up in the WWE sought refuge with this group, all Hell bent on destroying one thing. No, not ratings or buy rates. That just came to them naturally. No, they were on a mission to destroy Christiani... Err... Hulkamania. Sorry, I tend to get those things confused from time to time. So anyway, Hulk Hogan took the sins of the world, and decided to sacrifice himself to fight this Dungeon of Doom, headed by perhaps the worst wrestler to ever main event a WCW pay per view, "The Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan. And, pretty much single-handedly, Hogan did exactly that, wiping the floor with such main event names as Kamala, The Shark, Zodiac, and the One Man Gang. Oh, the terror. Still, that dreaded Dungeon had one more trick up their sleeve. Something that was as distasteful as it sounds, with half the entertainment value. They decided to pick up the son of Andre the Giant, The Giant. Yes, they insinuated, even outright said, that Paul Wight's father was Andre the Giant.
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Why Andre was so unoriginal in naming his children, no one will ever know. Still, this was the Dungeon's last hope, really, and the only way to destroy Hulkamania. So, thus, it was decided that at Halloween Havoc, they would have two matches. One would be a Monster Truck Rally Sumo Match, in which their cars were attached to the bumper, and they pushed one another out of the circle. I wish I was joking with you right now. The other would be a match for Hulk's Heavyweight Title. This story is basically told in the intro, except told with seventh grade pictures glued together behind third grade drawings. That's pretty much the extent of this video. Makes me appreciate how far technology had come. Then again, this was pretty bad, even for the era it was in. For some reason, they refer to the ring as a fortress. What? Does that even make any sense? Will they be wrestling in a cage? Actually, no, that would come at Superbrawl VI, but it's still a very odd way to refer to a ring. Has anyone ever heard that term used to describe a ring? Anyone? Anyway, we begin with Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan talking about the card. Apparently, Tony felt the need to clarify the year is 1995, though the promo guy just said that literally ten seconds ago. Way to go, Tony, way to go. At least he has yet to call it the most important night in professional wrestling. Nope, wait, there he went. God, I can see why people hated this guy at this point. He was pretty God awful. I hear he does commentary for the Atlanta Braves now. Thank God I'm in Connecticut. He also says they'll do battle not once, but twice, for the first time ever. Now that definitely doesn't make any sense. Either you're facing for the first time, or fighting twice, but there's no way to face a face someone twice for the first time. It simply defies the Laws of Physics. Heenan is there, though he's highly watered down at this point. Very sad to think of how misused he was. They air clips of the Monster Truck match that actually occurred the night before. Wouldn't you think the fans that went to the Joe Louis Arena would notice that two big monster trucks are on top of the roof next to them? How do you get away with that kind logic? The answer is you don't. Apparently, the news is that Ric Flair was attacked backstage by Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman. This is going to lead to a rant later on, proving why Sting must be the most idiotic face in the history of professional wrestling. Heenan's laugh to the side pretty good. He just asked if Flair thought he was dealing with Friends from Friends. Was that show really that early? Anyway, Tony says something about sushi. Ok then. They then awkwardly segue that into the first match, between Johnny B. Badd and Diamond Dallas Page.
1st Match: Johnny B. Badd VS. DDP, Television Title Match
Apparently, this is over DDP costing JBB (Wow. That's pretty good, actually) a shot at the United States Title. He did so by slashing his tires on Saturday Night, making Badd late for his US Title shot. Now, the thing is, the US Champion at this point was actually Sting. Did Johnny B. Badd really think he was going to beat Sting? I know every wrestler believes in himself, but really, Sting is a former Heavyweight Champion. You're biggest claim to fame is being a Lil' Richard knock off. Who do you think is going over in that match? Anyway, DDP's rationale was that he deserves the shot over JBB. So apparently, neither of them are getting US Title shots, and are now facing each other for the Television Title. Way to go boys, that's real progress there. DDP comes out first, with Kimberly and Maxx Muscle. Kimberly was smoking hot. Maxx... Well, he was a jobber. He looked big, but was absolute shit. Johnny comes out next, and does his little showing of his cape which says "Badd Man". Oh, the agony of puns. Badd continues to do this for a while, and we see DDP just staring at him. we look at the ring, and Badd's behind Page. He had a double fool DDP, so he could get the upper hand. That's actually really creative. Right hands and a high knee takes Page down. Johnny sends Page shoulder first into the corner and Page goes to the outside. I don't understand why heels don't use this tactic more. It draws instant heat, gives a good rest, and prolongs the match a bit. Though that's going to become a problem later. Johnny attacks Page and Muscle on the outside. They're in the crowd and Badd sends Page into the guard rail. A little mark in me would like to think EC-Dub. Then I see it's Badd and Page again. Curses, foiled again. Johnny somehow gets a bucket and puts it over the head of Page and sends him into the ring post. That's actually really good, too. Maybe Badd wasn't as shit as I made him out to be. He doesn't have much personality, but he's not horrendous. He'd go on to play Marc Mero in the WWF, with his gorgeous wife Sable as his valet. Why the fuck did WCW not use her as a manager? I mean, honestly. Savage was allowed to use Elizabeth, and Sable is smoking in 1996. Eh, guess it's not that big. She'd lead to Mero's downfall anyway, as she was more over than he was. Johnny wrenches on the arm of DDP. Page sends Johnny down by the hair a few times but Johnny gets up and sends DDP down by the hair and places Page into the arm lock. Pretty basic stuff here, as it's starting off pretty slow. I always thought Page was underrated at this point, though it's obscene how overrated he'd be by 1999. Who'd have thought, huh? This was actually his prime years, if you think about it. He didn't win his first Heavyweight Title until he was thirty nine. Batista thinks that's old. Anyway, Page with a knee and elbow to the neck. After going off the ropes, Johnny connects with a hip toss. 2 count. Something tells me this match is going to take a while. Johnny has DDP in a corner and begins to deliver three right hands but DDP connects with the snake eyes on the top turnbuckle. I never considered Page tall enough to do that move. He hits some kicks to the gut. Page sends Johnny chest first into the corner and connects with a back suplex... Kimberly gives Page the "10" sign. I actually kinda liked that ten sign. Strange, but a good way to get heat. Again, Page and Kim were underrated together. Maxx... Well, he's still shit. This match is starting to drag, as Page has him in a chin lock. Badd fights up, but Page pulls him down by his hair, only to get a near fall. All Page at this point, and I guess I should see a Badd rally coming. Just as I say that, Badd hits a backslide for a near fall. Nevermind, Page just hit a brutal clothesline. That was pretty sick, actually. Again, more Page offense until Badd hits a sunset flip. Page reverses for a near fall, which then gets reversed again for another near fall. Then page kicks him in the head. I actually kind of laugh at that. Not sure why. Page gets more heat now. Page drops an elbow onto Johnny. Page gets his tape off of his wrist and chokes Johnny. Johnny is "out cold", and Kimberly is upset. Boy, I know how to console her. Do I ever. The typical rise from the dead scene happens, and I still wonder why people bother getting invested. You know what's going to happen, so what's the point? How many matches have legitimately ended on a sleeper? Johnny with a hard right to the midsection. Johnny trips Page up. Johnny ducks a hard right and connects with two atomic drops. As if one atomic drop didn't do enough damage. I'm pretty sure most guys are pretty numb to that. Here comes the comeback, with a head scissors. Kimberly gives him a ten. I'm going to refrain from the obvious thing to say here. Now they're getting in some good offense, with a sit-out powerbomb. Jumping DDT by Page, and they're both down. I wish this match had started out this way. Instead of being excited for some good offense, I'm just kinda thinking that the match is dragging. Page tries to send Badd over the top rope, but Badd reverses, and Page goes over. Wasn't that a disqualification for WCW at that point? I can't help but feel it was. Badd hits the Badd Day, which is pretty much a somersault onto the ground. That's actually a pretty nice move. I don't understand how Mero didn't get over more than he did. He at least could have been an upper mid carder. Back in the ring, and Johnny dropkicks DDP into Maxx, and gets a roll up. Two count. Johnny gets sent out, and Maxx takes care of him. Badd fights him off, and we now have Badd back on the apron. Back in the ring, Page holds Badd, as Maxx prepares to clothesline him. Maxx misses, hits Page, and Badd gets the cover. End of the match. That's it? Really?
Rating: I'll give it a B-. Plenty of goof offense here, but the match seemed to drag. I think this match got the most time on the card. Why is the TV Championship getting the most time? Can't they tell we're on pay per view? Bad jokes aside, I was also not a fan of the ending. You mean to tell me after all that, that's how the match ends? I'd rather have seen the clothesline, with Badd hitting his finisher. That just makes Page look a little weak, and builds Maxx way too much.
Hey, did you know Hulk Hogan and The Giant were facing one another in a Sumo Monster Truck Match?
2nd Match: Randy Savage VS. Zodiac
I love Bobby's line that Zodiac has obviously been riding with the top down in the convertible. Zodiac is Ed Leslie, repackaged in zebra attire, hair sticking up kind of like a faux hawk, and always saying only "Yes" or "No". Schiavone tries some bad humor with that. Tony, just face facts; you're not that funny. Savage comes out to a killer version of his WWE theme. Really, that was actually better the old Pomp and Circumstance he used to use. It had more of a 90s feel to it, and that "Ooh Yeah" at the beginning was pretty good, too. Savage is also possibly the best dressed man in wrestling. Only one man can pull off that look, while wearing neon yellow and purple. That man is Randy Savage, in case I didn't make it obvious. Tony points out that if Randy beats Zodiac, and Lex Luger beats Meng, they wrestle against one another later tonight. That's just dumb to me. Why not just book the match if you wanted it? This really just was to put two extra matches on the card. Savage kisses a pretty girl on his way to the ring. Guess Steph wasn't in sight. Anyway, the match begins with Savage jumping Zodiac. Apparently Hogan isn't happy about Savage, Luger, and Sting wanting to be champion. Do we really need another Hogan reference here? We get it. Hogan's champ. Now I see why some people in the IWC hate him. A fan enters the ring, beats up on Savage and Zodiac. Wow. He actually just kinda walked in calmly. He was on the apron for a little while, and no one tried to stop him. That's a sign of how bad this show will get; not even security is paying attention to what's going on. It takes Tony about ten seconds to notice the fan in the ring. My God, is anyone watching this? Seriously, what the Hell, guys? Bobby says the guy probably had too many cheap beers. I think that's a good line. Is that fan Stevie Richards? It kinda looks like Stevie Richards. They brawl outside, Zodiac and Savage I mean. Zodiac uses the ring post and rams Savage's head into it. Spoiler Alert: The fan gets the biggest pop of the night, folks. That should tell you enough. The announcers finally point out it was supposed to be Kamala in this match. Heenan says The Taskmaster beat up Kamala, and that's why he's not here. I'd love to see that; I really would. Missed headbutt by Zodiac, as Savage blatantly tells Zodiac to go home. It's pretty obvious. Savage with an elbow, and that's your match. Schiavone implies the match could've lasted twenty five minutes. That's pretty poor calculation on Tony's part. Heenan says Savage jumped off the top like a gazelle. Bobby, that was pretty bad, man. I doubt Gazelles jump at an angle that has them going completely down. Gazelles jump and down, not just purely down. Know your animal common sense, Bobby.
Rating: D-. And that's being gracious. This wasn't even really supposed to be Zodiac/Savage, but the match went about ninety seconds, and a fan ran into the ring. That was the most exciting part of the match. Maybe N/A is more applicable, but this was just a waste of time. It sets up for what I assume will be Savage/Luger tonight.
Johnny B Badd is with Mene Gene Okurlund. Now I see what's so bad about Badd; his promos are atrocious. He says he's going to work hard, and give it 100%. Got any more cliches at this time? Mean Gene talks about getting drunk and doing the Fruity Tootie. Or something like that.
They play footage of Kurasawa breaking Road Warrior Hawk's arm. This was when the Road Warriors were split up. Apparently, Hawk signed a deal to work in Japan without telling Animal, which left him holding the bag. It's a pretty sad story, actually, as one of the greatest tag teams would never be the same. Anyway, now we get this match.
3rd Match: Kurasawa VS. Road Warrior Hawk:
I almost feel bad reviewing a Road Warrior match without Animal. It's just really not the same. It's the same outfit and everything. But it's just not my Road Warriors I used to know. Kurasawa was a guy that worked really wild. He apparently represented Japan in the 1992 Olympics in Greco Roman wrestling. Fun little tidbit there, I suppose. And he learned the infamous "Road Warrior workout", which apparently he taught to KENTA and Kensuke Sasaki. Eh, seems to work pretty well for them. This is all Hawk until Kurasawa gets a scoop slam in. Hawk gets up, and clotheslines Kurasawa over the top rope. Again, over the top rules here? Kurasawa slams Hawk's wing into the ring post. I really couldn't resist. He gets him up for a Samoan Drop back in the ring, and puts his feet on the ropes. Wait, that's it? What the Hell?
Rating: D+. Seriously, what is up with these short matches here? There's Monday Night Raw short, and then there's this. Hawk beats on him all day, and then just gets beat like that? I think perhaps someone said to go home. Maybe Hawk was legitimately hurt. I doubt it though, as he'd be at the next PPV. Nakanishi is apparently now the IWGP Heavyweight Champion. Who knew that when all was said and done, Kurasaw was going to be a Heavyweight Champion?
Gene is standing by with Randy Savage. Randy's talking about beating Zodiac, then he randomly tells Mean Gene his mustache looks crooked. You see, this is why people thought Randy was a crackhead. I can't say I argue that claim. They get into potshots over facial hair. This has to be the most insane promo I've ever seen. He talks about his curiousity is killing him like a cat by the curiousity. What? Wait, what? I'm just going to stop translating Savage to say he's talking about Hogan/Giant. He says he as interest, and that he's going to be a participant, and he's going to be watching through the video scope. Seriously, why do people think he was so fantastic at promos? This was just random, and very bizarre. Let's just move on.
4th Match: Mr. JL VS. Sabu
Oh yes. ECW marks, rejoice, as Sabu has made it in the program. I think he may have had a month or two stint with WCW, what with the talent exchange and all, before he went back to ECW. It's just really weird to see him in the ring. The Sheik's with him, as this is Detroit, and he is Sabu's uncle. Bobby points to the Sheik's history. Tony Schiavone just kind of sits there, and wonders what the fuck is going on. Mr. JL is actually Jerry Lynn, by the way. This has all the making to actually be entertaining. Sabu rolls to the outside and he sends JL into the guard rail. Sabu springboards off the middle rope and connects with a moonsault. Sabu leaps into the air but JL ducks. I suppose this would be a predecessor to the Cruiserweights. Good, fast paced action here. Sabu goes for a moonsault, and misses, so JL goes for one. See, this could be really good. JL with a sit out powerbomb, and Sabu recovers to whip JL into the corner groin first. And then a German Suplex off the middle rope. How I'm not sure, but that was pretty fantastic. This match is moving awfully fast... Why do I have a bad feeling it's going to end soon. Probably because it is. Sabu with a split legged moonsault, and that's it. Sheik throws fire into JL's face, and that's your match.
Rating: C-. It was good for the time it got, but that's just it. They didn't get much time. They had three minutes, and that's all. You mean to tell me the TV Title gets seventeen minutes, but this only gets three? What's wrong with this picture here?
Taskmaster and the Master are in the aisle. God, can I skip this? I'm really beginning to regret this choice. Something about the sun and moon. However thought this was a good idea to bring in King Curtis Iakeau was off their rocker. This is just a poor promo saying Hulkamania is screwed. We get it; monster truck fight. It's coming. We know.
5th Match: Meng VS. Lex Luger Tony mentions that Lex could be a member of the Dungeon of Doom. Well, he's not fat, he doesn't have a bad gimmick, and he doesn't look like he's vastly limited in believability. Totally couldn't be a member of the Dungeon of Doom. Meng really is a scary guy. Apparently, he was once a body guard for the King of Tonga, or something like that. People talk about how legit of a tough guy he is, either biting of someone's nose, or almost killing Ed Leslie. Seriously, the only person that stopped him was Hulk, because Meng respected him. Side headlock by Luger, Luger with a boot to the midsection and he sends Meng chest first into the corner. I've always kinda liked Luger. He's not fantastic, but he's also not as bad as people make him out to be. He was the longest reigning US Champion. He's a former Heavyweight Champion, and had a killer feud with Ric Flair in JCP. Seriously, just because he's a bit limited, we don't like him? Meng charges into a corner and Luger gets the boot up. Luger goes off the ropes and clotheslines Meng over the top rope. I'm giving up on this whole top rope crap. This is basically two guys beating one another up. As I write this, Sheamus has won the WWE Title. Lex Luger is totally better than Sheamus. Meng with a nice looking pile driver... 2 count. Meng begins to choke Luger. Meng with a rear chin lock. Luger fights back with elbows, and goes off the ropes and connects with a cross body... 2 count. I'm actually surprised he hit a cross body. I don't think I've ever seen that happen. Meng sends Luger to the outside and Kevin Sullivan is talking to Luger on the floor. Way to blow the surprise before it even happens, guys. Back in the ring, Meng lands some stiff kicks. Typically, Luger has a habit of overselling. In this case, I think it's legit. Meng is stiff as they come in the ring, and his kicks were notoriously hard. I wonder what I'd rather have; Chris Benoit chops, or Meng kicks to the stomach. Meng looks for a dropkick but Luger hangs onto the top rope and sends Meng onto the apron. Luger suplexes Meng into the ring. Meng somehow manages to get up first. I'm just really not all that shocked. They should really wrap this up soon; it's slow, and the offense is mainly chops, kicks, and other such things. Luger hits a powerslam and motions for the Rack. I don't think I've ever seen Meng submit. The closest he came was passing out to Benoit's crossface. Why the sudden references to Benoit? He's going to be debuting in WCW soon enough. Meng has the foreign spike, and jams it into Luger. He goes for the pin, but as he does, Taskmaster comes up on the apron. He gets in the ring and stomps Luger. Are you serious? That's the ending here?
Rating:C+. I'm sorry, but that ending was horrific. Sullivan went to all that trouble, and got Luger that beat up, just to get his guy disqualified. What's the point? Oh, that's right, it's WCW booking, and now they have to do a quasi-swerve. That's just really dumb. If you're going to turn Luger heel, do it outright.
Giant with a promo. Shouldn't he be on Cobo Hall right now? You know how difficult it's going to be to get on top of a building. Especially with rush hour traffic. He says he's going to shove Hogan off the roof. WCW isn't that dumb, are they? The Giant has good intensity, but his promos aren't great at that point. They don't have to be; he's a Giant. All he has to do is look intense. Good segment here.
6th Match: Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman VS. Sting and Ric Flair
This comes as Arn and Ric are feuding at this point. They had a great match to prove who was the better man at Fall Brawl. Arn won, but you got a lot of convincing to do before I believe Arn's anywhere near the stature of Flair. Ric needs a partner, so he turns to Sting to help. Sting is reluctant. I mean, after all, this is Ric Flair. But Sting, being the dumbest face in the history of professional wrestling, decides to take him up on the chance. Flair happens to be coincidentally hurt before the show, so Sting has to go it all by himself for a while. This is your match of the night.
Rating:B+. From a match standpoint, this was great. You have four great workers, going against one another, and it's good chemistry. They worked a fast pace match in which didn't go too long, and seemed as though the fans enjoyed it. Plus, that promo was just really good. Brain's line to Tony of, "If you weren't here, it'd be more fun" pretty much sums up my opinion. Now from a booking standpoint, Sting looks like an absolute moron. Think Sting... You're getting in the ring with Anderson and Pillman. They came out as "The Horsemen". Ric Flair is "injured" and leaves you all alone. And you really don't suspect a thing? This is fucking Ric Flair, Sting. Of course he's going to backstab you. It's what he does. Everyone saw this coming a mile away. Everyone except Sting, that is. And I hate how poorly he gets booked here.
Now we get the Monster Truck Match. Look, there's so much I can say here. But I can't do this piece of shit justice. I really can't. So I'm not even going to try. You see for yourself. Eric Bischoff has joined commentary. Apparently, he's a monster truck expert. Allright, let's get down to this:
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This was horrific. Poor acting, poor action. There is no redeeming quality to this segment. It's tasteless, it's poorly done, and it's just flat out stupid. Katie Vick laughs at how moronic this is. Even when Bobby tries to explain the events you will see later, Eric doesn't get it, and shoots it down. All logic is thrown out by this event. And you'll see why soon.
7th Match: Lex Luger VS. Randy Savage
Second match for both men. See, this should have just been what was done in the first place. None of this crap on having to face the Dungeon of Doom. Just allow this match to go on. It's not like they're poor workers, or need credibility. They have plenty of credibility, I promise you. Luger wants to shake hands and Savage kicks Luger in the gut. Luger comes back with a running clothesline. Here comes Jimmy Hart. That usually screams cheap win coming. This is actually a pretty back and forth match. Luger with a hard right. Luger knees Savage to the outside. This is a brawl, and it isn't bad, but it isn't great, either. The announcers keep asking if someone's going to turn on Hogan. You think? They also try to act sad at what we can only assume was The Giant's death. Heenan looking for answers on how he's doing just isn't entertaining to listen to. Though he does say he knew his father very well. At least he's keeping up with kayfabe, regardless of how bad it is. This isn't a bad match, but all the credibility has been shot of this pay per view. Nothing is to be taken seriously anymore. Savage wins with a flying elbow.
Rating:C-. It's really not their fault. They just had to follow that piece of shit. Savage/Steamboat couldn't look good compared to that. And Luger is clearly no Steamboat.
Match 9: Hulk Hogan VS. The Giant, WCW Heavyweight TitleWe now come to the main event. Well, we have about twenty minutes left, so spoiler alert: The Giant isn't dead. Hulk comes out in all black. This is pre-Hollywood look, and it actually seems ok. Who knew that this would be the precursor to Hollywood Hogan. To answer your question, no one. Not even the bookers. Hogan comes out, and pretends to feel sorry for what happened. He really is a terrible actor. No wonder Suburban Commando bombed. He apologizes to the fans. Just then, we get Dungeon of Doom music. He's alive. Yes, The Giant is fucking alive. He survived a fall off Cobo Hall, and now he's coming for Hogan.
Umm... Andy Dick, take it away.
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Took the words out of my mouth. Right out of there. Do you want us to take you as a credible challenger to the WWE, WCW? I know WWE had some garbage at this point. But this was just bad on all fronts. No one is going to believe a man fell off a building, only to be okay, and show, in his wrestling gear, ready to fight in about twenty minutes. It just isn't logical. Anyway, the look on Hogan's face is priceless. Bobby cheerleads Giant along, and that's just fantastic. Why couldn't you have Bobby Heenan do this on a consistent basis, WCW? Hogan begins to "Hulk up"... only for Giant to bring him back down. That's something I like... Hulk tries it many times, and The Giant just swats it down. It makes Hogan actually human, and makes the Giant look uber strong. Then again, I guess that's what the whole Cobo Hall thing is for. Actually commentary during this match from Hogan; "He is too strong"... he said the same thing about Vader... and beat him every time. Hell, he said the same thing about The Giant's "father". That went pretty well for him. Giant scoop slams Hogan, and misses a leg drop. Hogan then rams his head into the turnbuckle, punches him ten times, and bites the Giant. Is Hulk working as the Heel here? I can't help but feel like he's being the heel. Then he pokes him in the eyes, too. Seriously, Hulk is working as the heel here. I guess he was wearing black, but he wasn't a heel, per se. Still, The Giant takes over, and starts to actually dominant. I'm fairly surprised with how this match is going. Apparently falling from Cobo Hall is a damn good bit of luck. The Giant locks in a bear hug that seems to last for fucking ever. I actually had time to walk my dog, and they were still in the god damn bear hug. Hogan eventually punches out, but walks right into a chokeslam. I can't get too excited. This is Hogan after all. And yes, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up. This is really going downhill fast. Punches, Big Boot, slams him, then Leg Drop. The slam was kinda meh. It was more important when he did it to Andre needless to say. Jimmy Hart just hit the referee with the World Title?!?!?!?!?!? What the Fuck? Jimmy turns heel on Hulk. That's actually not half bad. Trust me, it'll get worse. Much worse. Jimmy then pleads innocence to Hogan. Well, let's see, Hulk. Jimmy's the only guy standing. He's standing right over the referee. And your belt, which has been in Jimmy's hands all match, is on the ground. You do the math. Yep, Hart clonks Hogan to a no sell. Hogan grabs Hart, and Giant is back up. He goes to the bear hug. Hogan is out, while Lex and Randy run down to the ring, to help Hulk. Well, they're being summoned by Jimmy Hart, who just turned heel. Who do you think they're going to help. Actually, only Luger attacks Hogan, then stomps on Savage.
Then, of all clusterfucks, The Yet-ay comes out to the ring. Yes, you read that right. He was a mummy frozen in a block of ice. You make sense of it. He actually is taller than The Giant. Too bad he looks ridiculous. Is he dry humping Hulk Hogan?!?!?!?!?!?! What the Hell is this. He just got behind Hulk, and starts dry humping him. Maybe he was giving him Polar love. I don't know. That just looks ridiculous. I've given up. This is far more absurdity than I can handle.
Rating: F-. This was boring, it wasn't fun to watch, and was a complete clusterfuck. This may be the worst main event ever. This was so bad, words don't describe. I want to send my eyeballs to Hong Kong after witnessing this. It's that bad. I can't find anything I actually like about this. This goes as far back as possible.
Show Rating:D+ The only saving grace is a decent match between Badd and Page, and a good tag match between Flair, Sting, Pillman, and Anderson. This was clearly a show to further stories. The problem is, the stories made no fucking sense. None at all. This was WCW booking in that day. Throw shit on the wall, and hope it sticks. This was just horrible. Easily the worst Pay Per View of All Time. At least for now...
