Chairception
Chris K.O. is alone in a white abyss that surrounds him. The camera hovers around the confused stupor on his shaggy bearded face. Chris doesn’t know where he is. You don’t know where he is.
Chris: Where am I?
??? Everywhere, yet nowhere.
Chris jerks his body to turn around instantly. There, but not there before, is now Steve the Volleyball. He levitates in the air as a large cape with a tall collar clothes him. He also sports a thick black pair of shades.
Chris: Steve? Where are we?
Steve: In your dream. Are you familiar with lucid dreaming, Chris?
Chris chuckles.
Chris: When I was a teenager, I had many lucid dreams.
Steve: Not wet dreams, you idiot!
Chris: Oh.
Steve: This is a dream where you have free will over your body and choices. You are in control of your destiny in this dream.
Two gummy bears slowly float up in front of Steve’s painted-on face.
Steve: There is a war brewing, Chris, that you are not yet aware of. Here I have two gummy bears. A red one and a blue one.
Chris: Neat.
Steve: You eat the blue gummy bear, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You eat the red gummy bear, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. What will it be, Chris?
Chris strokes his beard as he goes into deep thought.
Chris: Question, can I eat both of the gummy bears?
Steve: No, only one.
Chris: Damn. Hmmmmm.
Chris scratches his head furiously as he tries to make up his mind.
Chris: Fine, give me the red one.
Chris grabs the floating gummy bear and shoves it in his mouth.
Steve: Now your mind is open.
A black hole appears underneath Chris. It drops him as he tries to tries to avoid falling through. He begins to yell.
Steve: Accept it. Good luck.
Chris: No, STEVE! STEVE!
Chris falls through as the black hole swallows him. We switch scenes and Chris is now in what looks like an old viking village. He rubs his head as it appears he just fell in the area.
??? Halt!
Chris turns around and sees a group of assorted chairs with armour on them. Chris looks confused.
Chris: What the?
Chair Guard #1: By what authority are you in our camp, human?
Chair Guard #2: It is a spy!
Chair Elder: NO, YOU FURNITURE FOOLS!
The chair guards part ways as an old metal chair, with a white beard and staff, walks up to Chris.
Chair Elder: He is the one!
The guards begin to gasp.
Chair Guard #1: Quick, to the chief!
Chris tries to protest, but the horde of chairs surround him and start pushing him in a direction. They chant and cheer as they do so. We switch scenes and Chris is now standing at a round table. There are several distinguished-looking chairs around it with gold armor and royal garments. One chair among the group is a female with ruby red lipstick smeared across her.
Chair Chief: My fellow chairs, raise your glass.
All the chairs at the table raise a gauntlet off the table in front of them. They don’t have hands, so the goblets just float in front of them.
Chair Chief: The chair god’s have been good to us. They have brought us our champion. They have answered our chair prayers. To Chris K.O.
The chair’s try to drink from their goblets, but the liquid just runs down them as they don’t have lips.
Chris: *cough* Ahem.
Chair Chief: Yes, our champion?
Chris: This is all pretty trippy and what-not, but why am I here exactly?
Royal Chair #1: Does he not know?
Royal Chair #2: He is unaware of the prophecy!
The chairs at the table continue to chatter, but the chief drops his goblet.
Chair Chief: Silence!
The room grows quiet.
Chair Chief: My boy, do you not know that you are to be in a chairs match at the upcoming Gold Rush pay-per-view?
Chris cocks an eyebrow.
Chris: I do…
Chair Chief: Are you not aware of the significance of said match?
Chris: Uh…. Maybe not in the context you are.
Chair Chief: Listen well, then. For years, chairs have been at the forefront of society. They have been involved in every major historical event. Think about it. What did the disciples and Jesus Christ sit on at the last supper? What does a King or Queen rest upon in their royal court? Do you think when war was discussed in the confines of secret meeting rooms that they stood up the entire time? Blasphemy! Chairs are all-knowing and ever influential.
Chris nods as he listens intently.
Chair Chief: There have been many great chairs that have been immortalized. FDR’s wheelchair, the chair Lincoln sits on at Washington D.C., and let’s not forget the spinning chairs that the hosts sit on for the show The Voice. BUT, for as many good chairs, there have been bad chairs. Cramped stadium bleachers, Korean nail salon massage chairs, and cheap wooden bar stools. Their family line is tainted with pure evil. A most vile being leads them in their path of destruction of the human race. A single chair known as El Chairablo.
The chairs begin whispering the name El Chairablo around the table. Chris curiously looks around the room.
Chair Chief: He has aligned himself with James Howard. He has promised the human riches and wealth for helping destroy one of the world’s greatest pastimes, wrestling. However, there is a prophecy that one man should stand opposed, allied with a chair of pure good. A champion. The chosen one. That man’s name would be comparable to our culture's greatest folk hero, Chair K.O..
Chris: Wow.
Chair Chief: That is what is at stake, my champion! You stand opposed to James Howard to fight for the chair and human race. You will choose one of our mightiest warriors as your ally first thing in the morning, but tonight we feast! Perhaps my lovely daughter Chairity can keep you company?
Chris looks across the table and sees the beautiful Chairity with red lipstick. We switch scenes to a crazy party in the chair village. Fireworks are going off as hundreds of chairs drink booze ineffectively and chant cries of war and good fortune. We switch to a shot of Chris making out with Chairity in a hut.
Chairity: You’re so hot.
Chris rubs her metal frame.
Chris: You’re so cold.
Chairity: Oh, yeah! How cold?
Chris stops kissing her.
Chris: Wait, I can’t do this. I just met you.
Chairity: It’s okay.
Chris: I’m just not ready to be intimate so soon with a chair after one gave me a concussion. Also, I can’t stop thinking about my upcoming match. I thought James was my friend, but he turned out be a- be a…
Chairity: A chair bag?
Chris: Yeah. He’s a complete chair bag. He robbed from me a great opportunity in the Gold Rush tournament. But I guess when we first met in the ring more than a year ago it was he who was good one and I was the bad one. Maybe I deserved that chair shot to the head.
Chairity: No, you are a good man. You were misguided in the past through shallow misdirection. But you made an effort to change. You’ve said that you are sorry to your fans and those that you hurt in the past. It’s time you stop punishing yourself for what you use to be. As for Howard, You can’t make people change, Chris. You know that as well as anyone, but you can fight the bad. Because you don’t ever know when one loss can make someone see the error of their ways.
Chris: Wow, that was really well-said. We don’t even know each other.
Chairity: Well, I am from your subconscious. This is a dream.
Chris: Oh, yeah.
Chairity: Now unfold me, you sexy beast!
They prepare to make out when someone enters the hut. Chris looks up. He is in shock.
Chris: Astrid?
Astrid grabs the folded chairity.
Chris: I haven’t seen you since before the plane crash. What are you doing in my dream?
Astrid stays stone-faced as she raises the steel chair.
Chris: No, what are you doing?
Astrid starts hitting Chris continuously in the head with the steel chair.
Chris: *smack* Astrid, please! *smack* I’m sorry! *smack* This is just a dream. Chairity means nothing to me! *smack*
Chris shoots straight up out of his bed. He breathes heavily as he looks over at his nightstand. His phone is vibrating wildly on it. He reaches over and checks to see that it is an alarm. It is 6:00am, and today is the day that James Howard needs his ass kicked. Chris turns off the alarm as he drops back down into the bed. He lets out soft breathes as the camera reveals several half-eaten bag of pork rinds littering the side of the bed next to him. Slowly, he reaches back over for his phone. The bright light shines on his face as he accesses the contacts on his phone. He presses on one. He stares blankly at the contact info for Astrid Kulman.
Redemption 2013 said:
Astrid: Hey, Chris. Look, I know last night happened, but I think it’s bes-…. I think it’s best we just don’t continue anything. This… us… it would never work.
Chris keeps staring for a few more seconds until finally turning his phone off. The light goes out and the screen goes black.