klunderbunker
Welcome to My (And Not Sly's) House
Cyberslam 1997
Date: February 22, 1997
Location: ECW Arena, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Commentator: Joey Styles
Damn it more ECW. Ok so more or less this is a reward for internet fans that kept ECW going for awhile. They had a fan convention and then a supershow. This would be the show. Its the second that was held and I have no intention of finding them all. I have three of the five and if I find the others Ill do them too, but nothing Im going looking for. Anyway this is pre-Barely Legal so theyre still kind of an underground company at this point. Lets get to it.
Tag Titles: Eliminators vs. Rob Van Dam/Sabu
Eliminators are Perry Saturn and John Kronus who you shouldnt know. This is a ladders/tables match which means theyre legal. You win by pinfall or submission and the Eliminators have the titles. Saturn talks about how awesome ECW is and how theyre going to Raw on Monday, which is true. This is on a Saturday (I think) and the ECW Invasion (not the Alliance one but a one night one) happened on Raw while the WWF guys were on a European tour.
This is a rematch apparently but Joey doesnt tell us when the original match was from. The losers have to shake the hands of the winners. Van Dam and Sabu are heels here. Apparently the challengers have almost won the titles from this team before so this is an established feud. Saturn vs. Van Dam to start us off here. They hit the mat to start as there are tags here to make it seem like this is a regular match with rules for awhile.
They slug it out for a bit and a dropkick gets two for Van Dam. Sabu comes in but there was no tag so it doesnt count. Off to Kronus who was good but not great. He gets Sabu now so this should be a bit faster paced. Saturn gets a modified Rock Bottom for two and Sabu works on the knee a bit. Half crab goes on so Saturn kicks Sabu in the head. I love using that as a counter. Its so basic. Got a problem? KICK HIM IN THE FACE!
Sabu and Van Dam do some stuff that the Guns would later do in TNA but would do it a bit better and faster. A forearm by Kronus takes him and RVD out to the floor. Saturn and Van Dam fight for a ladder so the partners kick both of them, sending everyone to the floor. Kronus dives on RVD while Sabu and Saturn go into the crowd. Now the other pairing goes to the outside also as its a total brawl.
Saturn and Sabu are up by the .well by everything really as there was a lot put in one small area at these shows. Sabu gets a chair shot to Saturn back in the ring and the Triple Jump Moonsault hits Saturn as well. Its ladder time and Van Dam hits a moonsault off the second rung of it, as in the second from the ground as the ladder was laid at an angle against the rope.
To the shock of no one, everything breaks down even though were still sticking with the corners. Nice to see them pretend that this has rules for awhile. Kronus hits a handspring elbow into the corner into Van Dam into the ladder. A ladder shot misses the challengers so they botch another attempt at it as the Eliminators keep control. This is threatening to get very sloppy rather quickly.
Kronus THROWS the ladder at Van Dam and it smacks him in the head. FREAKING OW MAN! Another ladder comes in so Van Dam puts Saturn in the surfboard. You know, because thats what you want to see in a tables and ladders match right? Submission wrestling! Arabian Facebuster with the ladder gets two on Saturn. Saturn avoids a double clothesline (read as he runs through it) and hits one of his own but no tag.
Slingshot leg drop gets no count for Sabu and its off to Kronus. Double kick to Sabu as the tagging has finally died off. Total mess now with nothing at all as far as coherence. Sabu gets a big dive off the top rope into the front row to half kill Saturn. Van Dam adds a moonsault press off the guardrail to Kronus as Sabu and Saturn are back in the ring now.
Saturn hits a splash from the top of the ladder to Van Dam for no cover as Sabu is fighting again. Kronus and Sabu go to the floor as ladders are set up in the ring. With Saturn put on the ladder which is draped on the middle rope, RVD tries the split legged moonsault and botches it worse than Morrison ever dreamed of. Sabu hits the leg lariat to both guys including one that would be called Poetry in Motion when the Hardys used it later. The challengers get rammed together and a pair of Total Eliminations (Saturn with a leg sweep, Kronus with a spin kick to the face) to RVD ends this. Total mess in the second half.
Rating: D+. This got twenty minutes. Let that sink in a bit. They gave Sabu and Kronus twenty minutes. This was decent but the botches and the constant changing of the tag requirements (every company does this. Either have them or dont) and the length it really got dragged down. The Eliminators had FAR better matches but this wasnt one of them. Too long and way too sloppy.
Post match Sabu shakes hands but Van Dam wont. Rob leaves and Sabu hands the champions their belts.
Joey gets in the ring and introduces the Pitbulls, a big tough tag team the feuded with Shane Douglas forever. One of them had a broken neck at Shanes hands which is either Shane or the Pitbulls fault depending on who you ask. The one with the bad neck, Gary Wolfe (the other is Anthony Durante) says Shane needs to stop being a Shawn Michaels (he had recently forfeited the title instead of fighting) and face Wolfe.
Shane, the TV Champion, pops up with the curvy Francine and curses a lot. Its about Shane and the Pitbulls, not ECW or Heyman or Raw. He has a bad leg or knee or something as he has crutches with him and talks about what the doctors have told him. He calls out the Pitbulls to come fight him but Brian Lee and Chris Candido beat them up for him. Theyre the Triple Threat faction which was a parody/their version of the Horsemen.
Little Guido vs. Chris Chetti
Chetti is Tazs cousin and the first graduate of ECWs wrestling school. Former NWA Champion Tommy Rich is here with Guido as they begin the Full Blooded Italians which had the joke of all of one person of the 5 people being Italian. Rich is about as southern as you can find but hes claiming to be Italian. This went on for YEARS until ECW totally messed it up and put all Italians in it. Oh and Rich asks if the fans smell what hes cooking. Rock was Rocky Maivia at this point and wouldnt use that line for well over a year.
Chetti is billed as The Rookie here. What are you really expecting here? Rich rambles some more after the introductions and were finally on. The camera focuses on Rich WAY too much. Also dont you love that they want nothing to do with the NWA but theyll use one of its former champions when hell actually work with them? Chetti chases Guido on the floor and runs back into a backslide.
Frankensteiner gets two for Chris. Guido gets a gutbuster for no cover. Guido is muscular here which I dont remember him being any other time. Rich beats on Chetti on the floor a bit and a Guido powerslam gets two. Rich and Hat Guy argue as Guido does basic stuff to get two counts. Spin kick gets two for Chetti and a powerbomb gets the same for Guido. Rich talks Guido into going all the way up but a splash misses and Chetti gets a rollup (ignore the shoulder being up) and pins him in a shocker.
Rating: D+. I hate to use the expression This was just there but thats exactly the case with this match. Nothing got my interest in the slightest and I didnt care who won or lost. There was no story to it and the match came and went. It wasnt particularly bad but it was nothing particularly good either. It existed and thats about all I can say about it.
Rich and Guido argue a bit post match and then hug it out as they would do for years as well.
Balls Mahoney vs. Stevie Richards
Mahoney likes leather it seems. Uh yeah. Use your imagination here people. Its BWO Stevie here. A little trivia here is that Rob Feinstein, as in the RF in RF Video and a former owner of ROH is playing the Syxx (X-Pac) parody of 7-11 here. Balls has short hair here. He must trim them. The fans arent sure who they like here but it seems to be Stevie. I think the BWO is face here but its kind of hard to tell in the ECW Arena.
Stevie uses speed to take over, likely just offering Balls some to get him down. Off to an armbar now as the arena flashes his chest to the fans. Oh dear. Fujiwara Armbar now by Stevie (named after Mr. Fuji if youve been curious as to that for some odd reason). Balls pounds away for a bit and then its right back to Stevies armbar. Ten punches in the corner and then Stevie climbs the ropes backwards and rubs his ass in Balls face. So he wants Balls around his ass. Got it.
Another clothesline by Balls gets two. Balls has next to no offense outside of clotheslines and punches. He tries a spinwheel kick with Richards on the apron and yet he hits the floor before Richards. As in like 5 seconds before Richards. Stevie chills on the floor for a minute or so until Balls drags him back in. Middle rope elbow has Stevie in trouble.
This is boring as hell if you couldnt tell as were at about 8:30 so far. Yes, these two get eight and a half minutes. Balls gets a modified atomic drop (more like an elevated punch to the balls, thereby making Stevies voice elevated) and makes fun of the BWO. Top rope leg drop misses and its a Stunner by Stevie to give him control for all of half a second. Powerbomb and a superkick miss so Stevie kicks him in the balls and then the chin to end this.
Rating: D-. See, this is where the problems came from for ECW. In short, the matches arent that good. The characters are ok and the stories are more developed, but at the end of the day the wrestling just wasnt there for the most part. They had some good talent, but a lot of the time it was a guy that punched a lot and had a finisher and thats about it. They knew no basic stuff and it was glaringly obvious at times. Also, this getting nearly 13 minutes is a bit much.
A fan runs in post match and that goes nowhere.
Axl Rotten vs. Spike Dudley
Spike takes some laps around the ring so Rotten sneaks to the floor and drills him to start. Basically Spikes gimmick was that he was a stoner that would get beaten up for about 99% of the match and occasionally hit an Acid Drop (running Diamond Cutter up the corner) for the shocking pin, usually against a giant. Into the ring for more beatings until Spike hits a few basic moves to get some offense in along with some dives. He blocks a bulldog and gets one of his own as Bubba and D-Von come out. Their distraction lets Axl hit a Dominator to end it. Hey look: its another boring match.
Rating: F+. Dude, give me SOMETHING of note. The opener was decent at best and since then its been pointless singles matches that arent any good. Spike was pretty worthless until he got a cult following (as in a portion of the cult following ECW had) who made him as famous as he got. This wasnt interesting at all as Spike more or less got squashed here but by a guy I have zero interest in watching.
Bubba and D-Von beat on Spike post match, including a power bomb from Bubba that was like a Last Ride but without Spike having his legs around Bubbas head. 3D has Spike dead and here are the Dudleys opponents.
Dudley Boys vs. Gangstas
Oh no. Not the song again. Its New Jack and a guy named Mustafa if youre curious. Yep the song plays the entire match as that worthless pest New Jack is out here. He plays that fucking guitar and then breaks it over Bubbas back. VCR to Axls head as hes out here too. Im only half paying attention here because this is going to go on for at least 10 minutes and my blood pressure is already high.
Basically all you have here is weak weapon shots, a lot of blood and punches. Bubba brings in a table and THE MUSIC STOPS!!!! YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! Oh I think I just came a little. Bubba splashes New Jack through the table in the corner and now this is even more boring than it was before if thats possible. D-Von pounds on Jack with something while Bubba tries to do wrestling stuff to Mustafa.
Things slow WAY down and this is weaker than I thought possible. Its technically a match since theres a referee down there but this has about as much to do with wrestling as a spaghetti recipe does. We go out into the crowd again due to having nothing better to do to fill in time. New Jack puts D-Von on a table in the crowd and does a running balcony dive that made a ton of ECW highlight reels.
Why did it make it you ask? Well there are a few reasons. First and foremost, New Jack didnt dive far enough and he headbutted D-Von. Second, the table didnt really break. Third, its New Jack so its not like a wrestling move can be put on there. Joey says that this started as a tag match. Right Joey, keep telling yourself that while Im made prime minister of Zimbabwe.
New Jack and D-Von are in the ring now as I guess theyre legal. Theyre over 18 so Ill go with that. Axl pops back up again and hits Jack with a chair and puts D-Von on top for two. Well why have it end I guess? Its more fun than a barrel of rabid monkeys isnt it? New Jack goes up for his top rope chair shot but jumps into a Cutter in a spot that says I was diving only to set up that finishing move to end it. Another nearly 15 minute match here.
Rating: N/A. I hate this kind of stuff and I always have. This isnt wrestling. This isnt entertaining. Its people hitting each other then dropping an elbow and saying theyre wrestlers. When its done once in awhile and with story building throughout it and with people actually doing wrestling in between its entertaining, such as a TLC match. Have you ever seen a New Jack match that wasnt just weapon shots? Thats because it doesnt exist. Hes not a wrestler and the Dudleys are better than this. This is why I dont like ECW by the way: WAY too much of this nonsense.
Taz vs. Tracy Smothers
This is Smothers ECW debut. Taz is more or less a killing machine so this isnt going to be much as far as competition goes. Tracy goes straight at him and they hit the mat for a bit. Taz busts out the suplexes and Smothers is in trouble early. Sunset flip gets two for Smothers as does a twisting cross body off the top. Various kicks get two as does his finisher, the Jaw Jacker (elbow from the top). Taz busts out the suplexes and the Tazmission ends Smothers pretty easily.
Rating: D+. Just a squash here but not bad. Im not sure what it says when the second best match out of five is a three and a third minute squash by arguably your top face/tweener. This was nothing at all that would mean anything yet here its probably the second best match after the opener. Thats not a good sign at all, especially since the opener was pretty weak.
Raven/Brian Lee vs. Terry Funk/Tommy Dreamer
Raven is world champion. If Funk beats Raven, he gets a shot at the title at Barely Legal. Lee is a hired gun here. This is during the Dreamer cant beat Raven angle which I would have ended at Barely Legal, but instead they went with Funk who is the guy that was from the NWA and therefore what they were against, but hey who cares about that right? Beulah, who is dating Tommy at this point, is here being her sexy as hell self.
We get big match intros because we need to have them for what is I guess the main event. Raven comes in and lays down to let Dreamer beat him for the first time in his life so that Funk cant get the pin to get the title shot. Dreamer, ever the moron, hits him instead. Raven pops up and says Hey Dreamer why didnt you pin me? That was funny for some reason.
Off to Funk so Raven runs and hides. Dreamer comes in again as this is stupid so far. Powerslam by Lee and he brings in Raven. Dreamer gets a DDT and tags in Funk immediately to let him try to get a win. Back off to Lee as this has been pretty basic so far. Raven wont fight Funk so the fans chant bullshit. Raven and Dreamer go to the floor and the others join them. An ECW match turning into a brawl? NO WAY!!!
Theyre in the crowd already and I have a feeling Ill be able to read a novel or so while this is going on. Funk and Raven wind up back in the ring and Raven hits him low. Dreamer and Lee are on the floor having the real fight since Funk is old and Raven is probably stoned. He grabs the mic and yells at Funk for awhile while everyone looks at Dreamer and Lee who are off camera.
This creates an obvious problem of Raven vs. Funk is more or less the occasional punch and Raven yelling while the fans are all looking away at the violence on the floor. Funk grabs the mic and Id suggest a censor button on standby. He kicks Ravens leg out a few times and its the spinning toe hold. Raven screams that he quits but theres no referee. The referee finally comes in and Lee hits Funk with a trashcan.
Lee hammers on everyone with the trashcan. Dreamer tries to protect Funk so Funk keeps getting up. Funk cant stand up and is bleeding from the ear. Oh I have a bad feeling where this might be going. Yep the doctors are here to check on Terry and he still wants to fight. Is this supposed to be impressive or something? Terry is put on a stretcher after a few attempts and is taken to the back.
And now its time to make this the big angle of the show as heres Stevie Richards who is all ticked off at Raven which I guess explains him being in the triple threat at Barely Legal. Raven wants to be kicked but Lee picks Richards off and chokeslams him. Lori Fullington, Sandmans ex-wife comes out and is mad at Raven also. Take a DDT bitch. Down she goes also.
Dreamer, ever the genius, comes out with Sandmans son Tyler who was brainwashed by Raven at one point. Heres a beatdown for Dreamer as well. Sandman comes out with his son on his shoulders and its some big emotional moment or whatever. Sandman fights both guys off and pins Raven just because. Now theres your triple threat and Dreamer is left out in the cold. Yep thats how they set up their first PPV people.
Rating: F+. Dude, seriously? Another big brawl, an injury angle to an old man, an ex-wife and son being brought out and a guy that hasnt been seen the entire night is now #1 contender. Stevie is in the same spot now for getting chokeslammed and I guess beating Balls Mahoney earlier. And people wonder why non-ECW fans complain aboutnot being able to understand this company. I had no idea why they were in that match until I saw this show. Not like thats important information to say at Barely Legal or anything right?
Dreamer helps Richards up post .whatever that was and apparently its a big deal.
Chris Candido comes out to say .something but we have to wait for him to spit on a fan first. He bitches about Sabu, talking about how he wants Sabu and all that jazz. He swears a lot and calls out Sabu, and heres your main event with ..oh my goodness 23 minutes left in the show.
Chris Candido vs. Sabu
Candido is 24 here, meaning that when he died he was about 32. This is a feud apparently. Dont ask me why it is as I havent seen the previous 8 shows and five months of TV to explain it and since its Joeys job to tell us every single move that were watching since apparently he thinks its radio, I have no idea why theyre feuding. And no, I dont want some ECW guy to tell me why theyre feuding. I want ECW TO TELL ME.
Enziguri from Candido and a spinning cross body/clothesline by Sabu both miss so they slap each other a bit. Sabu sends him into the first row and puts a chair in the ring. Sabu tries a double jump something and Candido is nowhere in sight. I think he threw a chair at Sabu but its hard to say. Candido dives on Sabu into the crowd as were in for a long night here. That gets two back in the ring.
Piledriver by Candido gets no cover. Candidos hair is hilarious here as its all over the place. Another Piledriver gets no cover still. Sabu was in the opener so hes a bit tired here. Piledriver off the middle rope still doesnt get a cover. I guess hed rather be on top of Sunny. Candido leaves a table in the aisle for no apparent reason and they slug it out a bit.
Sabu gets a backdrop to send Candido out to the floor and a horrible looking suicide dive as Candido was way closer than he was supposed to be. Ill blame Sabu anyway. The aforementioned table is set up at ringside and Candido winds up on it. The big dive/ass drop on it misses but Candido is on the table anyway. Thankfully he doesnt sell it and hits some basic stuff in the ring.
Off to a crossface chickenwing for no apparent reason until Sabu fights out of it and gets a leg lariat to take him down. Candido gets a mic and asks the crowd what they think of their hero now. Sabu suplexes him to the floor and Im bored again. Its not a particularly bad match but its going very long here. Sabu gets a chair and uses it as a springboard to get a rana for two.
Candido counters a dropkick into a belly to back suplex and were both down. Sabu hits a front flip onto a standing Candido for two. Candido sets up a chair but gets caught by a leg lariat instead. Top rope powerbomb and triple jump moonsault both fail and the fans are split on Candido. Swan dive onto a chair onto Sabu misses badly so Candido gets a powerbomb for two, apparently being just fine after slamming into a chair. Sabu counters a second powerbomb and a triple jump leg drop ends this.
Rating: B-. This was ok but its nothing Im ever going to want to watch again. It helps Sabu about a thousand percent to have someone out there that can run a match and also to have him do some actual in ring stuff. This was a wrestling match with weapon stuff thrown in rather than a weapon show with wrestling shown in. Thats a big difference and it shows off here.
Candido shows respect and drops about a dozen F Bombs in the process.
Overall Rating: D-. Theres one good match on here and the rest is pretty much awful. The problem here is simple: theres no point to the majority of this show. The Funk/Raven/everyone else deal is something you need a TON of backstory for and since ECW is incapable of simply telling us a brief recap, theres no real point to watching a single show.
Its a lot like TNA was in the THEY storyline: you better pay attention to EVERY SINGLE SECOND of the shows or youll be lost. Thats not smart business and hey look at where ECW is today. Anyway, this was a bad show with a decent main event. Not worth seeing at all though.
Date: February 22, 1997
Location: ECW Arena, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Commentator: Joey Styles
Damn it more ECW. Ok so more or less this is a reward for internet fans that kept ECW going for awhile. They had a fan convention and then a supershow. This would be the show. Its the second that was held and I have no intention of finding them all. I have three of the five and if I find the others Ill do them too, but nothing Im going looking for. Anyway this is pre-Barely Legal so theyre still kind of an underground company at this point. Lets get to it.
Tag Titles: Eliminators vs. Rob Van Dam/Sabu
Eliminators are Perry Saturn and John Kronus who you shouldnt know. This is a ladders/tables match which means theyre legal. You win by pinfall or submission and the Eliminators have the titles. Saturn talks about how awesome ECW is and how theyre going to Raw on Monday, which is true. This is on a Saturday (I think) and the ECW Invasion (not the Alliance one but a one night one) happened on Raw while the WWF guys were on a European tour.
This is a rematch apparently but Joey doesnt tell us when the original match was from. The losers have to shake the hands of the winners. Van Dam and Sabu are heels here. Apparently the challengers have almost won the titles from this team before so this is an established feud. Saturn vs. Van Dam to start us off here. They hit the mat to start as there are tags here to make it seem like this is a regular match with rules for awhile.
They slug it out for a bit and a dropkick gets two for Van Dam. Sabu comes in but there was no tag so it doesnt count. Off to Kronus who was good but not great. He gets Sabu now so this should be a bit faster paced. Saturn gets a modified Rock Bottom for two and Sabu works on the knee a bit. Half crab goes on so Saturn kicks Sabu in the head. I love using that as a counter. Its so basic. Got a problem? KICK HIM IN THE FACE!
Sabu and Van Dam do some stuff that the Guns would later do in TNA but would do it a bit better and faster. A forearm by Kronus takes him and RVD out to the floor. Saturn and Van Dam fight for a ladder so the partners kick both of them, sending everyone to the floor. Kronus dives on RVD while Sabu and Saturn go into the crowd. Now the other pairing goes to the outside also as its a total brawl.
Saturn and Sabu are up by the .well by everything really as there was a lot put in one small area at these shows. Sabu gets a chair shot to Saturn back in the ring and the Triple Jump Moonsault hits Saturn as well. Its ladder time and Van Dam hits a moonsault off the second rung of it, as in the second from the ground as the ladder was laid at an angle against the rope.
To the shock of no one, everything breaks down even though were still sticking with the corners. Nice to see them pretend that this has rules for awhile. Kronus hits a handspring elbow into the corner into Van Dam into the ladder. A ladder shot misses the challengers so they botch another attempt at it as the Eliminators keep control. This is threatening to get very sloppy rather quickly.
Kronus THROWS the ladder at Van Dam and it smacks him in the head. FREAKING OW MAN! Another ladder comes in so Van Dam puts Saturn in the surfboard. You know, because thats what you want to see in a tables and ladders match right? Submission wrestling! Arabian Facebuster with the ladder gets two on Saturn. Saturn avoids a double clothesline (read as he runs through it) and hits one of his own but no tag.
Slingshot leg drop gets no count for Sabu and its off to Kronus. Double kick to Sabu as the tagging has finally died off. Total mess now with nothing at all as far as coherence. Sabu gets a big dive off the top rope into the front row to half kill Saturn. Van Dam adds a moonsault press off the guardrail to Kronus as Sabu and Saturn are back in the ring now.
Saturn hits a splash from the top of the ladder to Van Dam for no cover as Sabu is fighting again. Kronus and Sabu go to the floor as ladders are set up in the ring. With Saturn put on the ladder which is draped on the middle rope, RVD tries the split legged moonsault and botches it worse than Morrison ever dreamed of. Sabu hits the leg lariat to both guys including one that would be called Poetry in Motion when the Hardys used it later. The challengers get rammed together and a pair of Total Eliminations (Saturn with a leg sweep, Kronus with a spin kick to the face) to RVD ends this. Total mess in the second half.
Rating: D+. This got twenty minutes. Let that sink in a bit. They gave Sabu and Kronus twenty minutes. This was decent but the botches and the constant changing of the tag requirements (every company does this. Either have them or dont) and the length it really got dragged down. The Eliminators had FAR better matches but this wasnt one of them. Too long and way too sloppy.
Post match Sabu shakes hands but Van Dam wont. Rob leaves and Sabu hands the champions their belts.
Joey gets in the ring and introduces the Pitbulls, a big tough tag team the feuded with Shane Douglas forever. One of them had a broken neck at Shanes hands which is either Shane or the Pitbulls fault depending on who you ask. The one with the bad neck, Gary Wolfe (the other is Anthony Durante) says Shane needs to stop being a Shawn Michaels (he had recently forfeited the title instead of fighting) and face Wolfe.
Shane, the TV Champion, pops up with the curvy Francine and curses a lot. Its about Shane and the Pitbulls, not ECW or Heyman or Raw. He has a bad leg or knee or something as he has crutches with him and talks about what the doctors have told him. He calls out the Pitbulls to come fight him but Brian Lee and Chris Candido beat them up for him. Theyre the Triple Threat faction which was a parody/their version of the Horsemen.
Little Guido vs. Chris Chetti
Chetti is Tazs cousin and the first graduate of ECWs wrestling school. Former NWA Champion Tommy Rich is here with Guido as they begin the Full Blooded Italians which had the joke of all of one person of the 5 people being Italian. Rich is about as southern as you can find but hes claiming to be Italian. This went on for YEARS until ECW totally messed it up and put all Italians in it. Oh and Rich asks if the fans smell what hes cooking. Rock was Rocky Maivia at this point and wouldnt use that line for well over a year.
Chetti is billed as The Rookie here. What are you really expecting here? Rich rambles some more after the introductions and were finally on. The camera focuses on Rich WAY too much. Also dont you love that they want nothing to do with the NWA but theyll use one of its former champions when hell actually work with them? Chetti chases Guido on the floor and runs back into a backslide.
Frankensteiner gets two for Chris. Guido gets a gutbuster for no cover. Guido is muscular here which I dont remember him being any other time. Rich beats on Chetti on the floor a bit and a Guido powerslam gets two. Rich and Hat Guy argue as Guido does basic stuff to get two counts. Spin kick gets two for Chetti and a powerbomb gets the same for Guido. Rich talks Guido into going all the way up but a splash misses and Chetti gets a rollup (ignore the shoulder being up) and pins him in a shocker.
Rating: D+. I hate to use the expression This was just there but thats exactly the case with this match. Nothing got my interest in the slightest and I didnt care who won or lost. There was no story to it and the match came and went. It wasnt particularly bad but it was nothing particularly good either. It existed and thats about all I can say about it.
Rich and Guido argue a bit post match and then hug it out as they would do for years as well.
Balls Mahoney vs. Stevie Richards
Mahoney likes leather it seems. Uh yeah. Use your imagination here people. Its BWO Stevie here. A little trivia here is that Rob Feinstein, as in the RF in RF Video and a former owner of ROH is playing the Syxx (X-Pac) parody of 7-11 here. Balls has short hair here. He must trim them. The fans arent sure who they like here but it seems to be Stevie. I think the BWO is face here but its kind of hard to tell in the ECW Arena.
Stevie uses speed to take over, likely just offering Balls some to get him down. Off to an armbar now as the arena flashes his chest to the fans. Oh dear. Fujiwara Armbar now by Stevie (named after Mr. Fuji if youve been curious as to that for some odd reason). Balls pounds away for a bit and then its right back to Stevies armbar. Ten punches in the corner and then Stevie climbs the ropes backwards and rubs his ass in Balls face. So he wants Balls around his ass. Got it.
Another clothesline by Balls gets two. Balls has next to no offense outside of clotheslines and punches. He tries a spinwheel kick with Richards on the apron and yet he hits the floor before Richards. As in like 5 seconds before Richards. Stevie chills on the floor for a minute or so until Balls drags him back in. Middle rope elbow has Stevie in trouble.
This is boring as hell if you couldnt tell as were at about 8:30 so far. Yes, these two get eight and a half minutes. Balls gets a modified atomic drop (more like an elevated punch to the balls, thereby making Stevies voice elevated) and makes fun of the BWO. Top rope leg drop misses and its a Stunner by Stevie to give him control for all of half a second. Powerbomb and a superkick miss so Stevie kicks him in the balls and then the chin to end this.
Rating: D-. See, this is where the problems came from for ECW. In short, the matches arent that good. The characters are ok and the stories are more developed, but at the end of the day the wrestling just wasnt there for the most part. They had some good talent, but a lot of the time it was a guy that punched a lot and had a finisher and thats about it. They knew no basic stuff and it was glaringly obvious at times. Also, this getting nearly 13 minutes is a bit much.
A fan runs in post match and that goes nowhere.
Axl Rotten vs. Spike Dudley
Spike takes some laps around the ring so Rotten sneaks to the floor and drills him to start. Basically Spikes gimmick was that he was a stoner that would get beaten up for about 99% of the match and occasionally hit an Acid Drop (running Diamond Cutter up the corner) for the shocking pin, usually against a giant. Into the ring for more beatings until Spike hits a few basic moves to get some offense in along with some dives. He blocks a bulldog and gets one of his own as Bubba and D-Von come out. Their distraction lets Axl hit a Dominator to end it. Hey look: its another boring match.
Rating: F+. Dude, give me SOMETHING of note. The opener was decent at best and since then its been pointless singles matches that arent any good. Spike was pretty worthless until he got a cult following (as in a portion of the cult following ECW had) who made him as famous as he got. This wasnt interesting at all as Spike more or less got squashed here but by a guy I have zero interest in watching.
Bubba and D-Von beat on Spike post match, including a power bomb from Bubba that was like a Last Ride but without Spike having his legs around Bubbas head. 3D has Spike dead and here are the Dudleys opponents.
Dudley Boys vs. Gangstas
Oh no. Not the song again. Its New Jack and a guy named Mustafa if youre curious. Yep the song plays the entire match as that worthless pest New Jack is out here. He plays that fucking guitar and then breaks it over Bubbas back. VCR to Axls head as hes out here too. Im only half paying attention here because this is going to go on for at least 10 minutes and my blood pressure is already high.
Basically all you have here is weak weapon shots, a lot of blood and punches. Bubba brings in a table and THE MUSIC STOPS!!!! YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! Oh I think I just came a little. Bubba splashes New Jack through the table in the corner and now this is even more boring than it was before if thats possible. D-Von pounds on Jack with something while Bubba tries to do wrestling stuff to Mustafa.
Things slow WAY down and this is weaker than I thought possible. Its technically a match since theres a referee down there but this has about as much to do with wrestling as a spaghetti recipe does. We go out into the crowd again due to having nothing better to do to fill in time. New Jack puts D-Von on a table in the crowd and does a running balcony dive that made a ton of ECW highlight reels.
Why did it make it you ask? Well there are a few reasons. First and foremost, New Jack didnt dive far enough and he headbutted D-Von. Second, the table didnt really break. Third, its New Jack so its not like a wrestling move can be put on there. Joey says that this started as a tag match. Right Joey, keep telling yourself that while Im made prime minister of Zimbabwe.
New Jack and D-Von are in the ring now as I guess theyre legal. Theyre over 18 so Ill go with that. Axl pops back up again and hits Jack with a chair and puts D-Von on top for two. Well why have it end I guess? Its more fun than a barrel of rabid monkeys isnt it? New Jack goes up for his top rope chair shot but jumps into a Cutter in a spot that says I was diving only to set up that finishing move to end it. Another nearly 15 minute match here.
Rating: N/A. I hate this kind of stuff and I always have. This isnt wrestling. This isnt entertaining. Its people hitting each other then dropping an elbow and saying theyre wrestlers. When its done once in awhile and with story building throughout it and with people actually doing wrestling in between its entertaining, such as a TLC match. Have you ever seen a New Jack match that wasnt just weapon shots? Thats because it doesnt exist. Hes not a wrestler and the Dudleys are better than this. This is why I dont like ECW by the way: WAY too much of this nonsense.
Taz vs. Tracy Smothers
This is Smothers ECW debut. Taz is more or less a killing machine so this isnt going to be much as far as competition goes. Tracy goes straight at him and they hit the mat for a bit. Taz busts out the suplexes and Smothers is in trouble early. Sunset flip gets two for Smothers as does a twisting cross body off the top. Various kicks get two as does his finisher, the Jaw Jacker (elbow from the top). Taz busts out the suplexes and the Tazmission ends Smothers pretty easily.
Rating: D+. Just a squash here but not bad. Im not sure what it says when the second best match out of five is a three and a third minute squash by arguably your top face/tweener. This was nothing at all that would mean anything yet here its probably the second best match after the opener. Thats not a good sign at all, especially since the opener was pretty weak.
Raven/Brian Lee vs. Terry Funk/Tommy Dreamer
Raven is world champion. If Funk beats Raven, he gets a shot at the title at Barely Legal. Lee is a hired gun here. This is during the Dreamer cant beat Raven angle which I would have ended at Barely Legal, but instead they went with Funk who is the guy that was from the NWA and therefore what they were against, but hey who cares about that right? Beulah, who is dating Tommy at this point, is here being her sexy as hell self.
We get big match intros because we need to have them for what is I guess the main event. Raven comes in and lays down to let Dreamer beat him for the first time in his life so that Funk cant get the pin to get the title shot. Dreamer, ever the moron, hits him instead. Raven pops up and says Hey Dreamer why didnt you pin me? That was funny for some reason.
Off to Funk so Raven runs and hides. Dreamer comes in again as this is stupid so far. Powerslam by Lee and he brings in Raven. Dreamer gets a DDT and tags in Funk immediately to let him try to get a win. Back off to Lee as this has been pretty basic so far. Raven wont fight Funk so the fans chant bullshit. Raven and Dreamer go to the floor and the others join them. An ECW match turning into a brawl? NO WAY!!!
Theyre in the crowd already and I have a feeling Ill be able to read a novel or so while this is going on. Funk and Raven wind up back in the ring and Raven hits him low. Dreamer and Lee are on the floor having the real fight since Funk is old and Raven is probably stoned. He grabs the mic and yells at Funk for awhile while everyone looks at Dreamer and Lee who are off camera.
This creates an obvious problem of Raven vs. Funk is more or less the occasional punch and Raven yelling while the fans are all looking away at the violence on the floor. Funk grabs the mic and Id suggest a censor button on standby. He kicks Ravens leg out a few times and its the spinning toe hold. Raven screams that he quits but theres no referee. The referee finally comes in and Lee hits Funk with a trashcan.
Lee hammers on everyone with the trashcan. Dreamer tries to protect Funk so Funk keeps getting up. Funk cant stand up and is bleeding from the ear. Oh I have a bad feeling where this might be going. Yep the doctors are here to check on Terry and he still wants to fight. Is this supposed to be impressive or something? Terry is put on a stretcher after a few attempts and is taken to the back.
And now its time to make this the big angle of the show as heres Stevie Richards who is all ticked off at Raven which I guess explains him being in the triple threat at Barely Legal. Raven wants to be kicked but Lee picks Richards off and chokeslams him. Lori Fullington, Sandmans ex-wife comes out and is mad at Raven also. Take a DDT bitch. Down she goes also.
Dreamer, ever the genius, comes out with Sandmans son Tyler who was brainwashed by Raven at one point. Heres a beatdown for Dreamer as well. Sandman comes out with his son on his shoulders and its some big emotional moment or whatever. Sandman fights both guys off and pins Raven just because. Now theres your triple threat and Dreamer is left out in the cold. Yep thats how they set up their first PPV people.
Rating: F+. Dude, seriously? Another big brawl, an injury angle to an old man, an ex-wife and son being brought out and a guy that hasnt been seen the entire night is now #1 contender. Stevie is in the same spot now for getting chokeslammed and I guess beating Balls Mahoney earlier. And people wonder why non-ECW fans complain aboutnot being able to understand this company. I had no idea why they were in that match until I saw this show. Not like thats important information to say at Barely Legal or anything right?
Dreamer helps Richards up post .whatever that was and apparently its a big deal.
Chris Candido comes out to say .something but we have to wait for him to spit on a fan first. He bitches about Sabu, talking about how he wants Sabu and all that jazz. He swears a lot and calls out Sabu, and heres your main event with ..oh my goodness 23 minutes left in the show.
Chris Candido vs. Sabu
Candido is 24 here, meaning that when he died he was about 32. This is a feud apparently. Dont ask me why it is as I havent seen the previous 8 shows and five months of TV to explain it and since its Joeys job to tell us every single move that were watching since apparently he thinks its radio, I have no idea why theyre feuding. And no, I dont want some ECW guy to tell me why theyre feuding. I want ECW TO TELL ME.
Enziguri from Candido and a spinning cross body/clothesline by Sabu both miss so they slap each other a bit. Sabu sends him into the first row and puts a chair in the ring. Sabu tries a double jump something and Candido is nowhere in sight. I think he threw a chair at Sabu but its hard to say. Candido dives on Sabu into the crowd as were in for a long night here. That gets two back in the ring.
Piledriver by Candido gets no cover. Candidos hair is hilarious here as its all over the place. Another Piledriver gets no cover still. Sabu was in the opener so hes a bit tired here. Piledriver off the middle rope still doesnt get a cover. I guess hed rather be on top of Sunny. Candido leaves a table in the aisle for no apparent reason and they slug it out a bit.
Sabu gets a backdrop to send Candido out to the floor and a horrible looking suicide dive as Candido was way closer than he was supposed to be. Ill blame Sabu anyway. The aforementioned table is set up at ringside and Candido winds up on it. The big dive/ass drop on it misses but Candido is on the table anyway. Thankfully he doesnt sell it and hits some basic stuff in the ring.
Off to a crossface chickenwing for no apparent reason until Sabu fights out of it and gets a leg lariat to take him down. Candido gets a mic and asks the crowd what they think of their hero now. Sabu suplexes him to the floor and Im bored again. Its not a particularly bad match but its going very long here. Sabu gets a chair and uses it as a springboard to get a rana for two.
Candido counters a dropkick into a belly to back suplex and were both down. Sabu hits a front flip onto a standing Candido for two. Candido sets up a chair but gets caught by a leg lariat instead. Top rope powerbomb and triple jump moonsault both fail and the fans are split on Candido. Swan dive onto a chair onto Sabu misses badly so Candido gets a powerbomb for two, apparently being just fine after slamming into a chair. Sabu counters a second powerbomb and a triple jump leg drop ends this.
Rating: B-. This was ok but its nothing Im ever going to want to watch again. It helps Sabu about a thousand percent to have someone out there that can run a match and also to have him do some actual in ring stuff. This was a wrestling match with weapon stuff thrown in rather than a weapon show with wrestling shown in. Thats a big difference and it shows off here.
Candido shows respect and drops about a dozen F Bombs in the process.
Overall Rating: D-. Theres one good match on here and the rest is pretty much awful. The problem here is simple: theres no point to the majority of this show. The Funk/Raven/everyone else deal is something you need a TON of backstory for and since ECW is incapable of simply telling us a brief recap, theres no real point to watching a single show.
Its a lot like TNA was in the THEY storyline: you better pay attention to EVERY SINGLE SECOND of the shows or youll be lost. Thats not smart business and hey look at where ECW is today. Anyway, this was a bad show with a decent main event. Not worth seeing at all though.