Bash at the Beach 1999 with KB

[klunderbunker]

Bash at the Beach 1999
Date: July 11, 1999
Location: National Car Rental Center, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Attendance: 13,624
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

I had this tape and watched it quite often if my memory serves me correctly. The main event is overly complicated because it’s WCW. It’s Sid/Savage vs. Nash/Sting with Nash as champion. The idea is that the person who gets the fall is champion, but since it’s WCW they can’t seem to say if it’s the person who gets the fall or whoever pins Nash, meaning Sting can pin his own partner and win the title. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about those four guys with no words to it. I mean, who needs to explain the story of the show to anyone right?

DJ Ran, a fat DJ that was there for no apparent reason at all and was a regular for awhile, yells a lot.

Tony says that if anyone, including Sting, pins Nash tonight they’re champion.

Now we talk about the Junkyard Invitational which is literally in a junkyard. Bobby: “Have you ever been to a junkyard?” Tony: “Yes I have.” Bobby: “Why would you do that?” Funny stuff.

Gene says call the Hotline to find out who is backstage.

We now go to the Professor Mike Tenay, one of the brightest wrestling minds ever, in a junkyard. Yes, this is a real junkyard and yes they really spent a hundred thousand dollars to put 15 guys in it with no extra lighting to air it. And people wonder why this company was spiraling out of control. The idea is that you need to climb a fence and escape the junkyard to win.

Video on Ernest Miller who likes to dance. He and Disco have been having dance contests apparently. Miller jumped him and then Jerry Flynn kicked Cat because everyone likes Jerry Flynn right?

Ernest Miller vs. Disco Inferno

I think we have a comedy match here. The stipulation was going to be that the loser could never dance again. That got canceled though because I guess they didn’t want to get sued by the Footloose people. Miller wants another dance contest. Disco comes out in lime green. Tony has to point out that Miller won’t win the contest because he threatened the fans. WCW needs to work about giving its fans some credit.

Disco starts dancing and Miller tries to jump him as the match FINALLY gets going at nearly 15 minutes into the show. Miller gets sent to the floor and walks around a bit with his manager Sonny Onoo. He threatens to call his mama and that he’ll whoop somebody. After avoiding some kicks Disco takes Miller down and gets an atomic drop. A second leads to a clothesline as Disco channels his inner Lex Luger.

Miller sends him to the floor as the announcers make fun of the junkyard match. Sonny beats up Disco of course. Back in Miller adds a low blow which is somehow more scientific than most of the other stuff he does. Bobby is having a great time with these junkyard jokes. Even he knew how stupid it was. Granted he is the Brain.

Disco gets a sunset flip for two. And never mind as Miller kicks his head off but doesn’t cover. Ok he does but it’s like ten seconds later. Miller misses a chop so Disco bites his hand. Yes, make sure that the karate guy needs to use his feet more. Middle rope elbow gets two for Inferno. Big superkick puts Disco down for two. Disco manages to get ahold of Miller’s red shoe and knock him out with it for two. Sonny distracts the referee and Miller kicks Disco with the red shoe for the pin.

Rating: D+. Seriously this was the best opener they could come up with? You really could see the company slipping a lot as they couldn’t come up with anything better that Miller vs. Disco to fill in the first part of the show. We’re 25 minutes in almost and this is all the wrestling we’ve seen. That should sum up the rest of the show for you.

Mills Lane, the TV judge, is refereeing the Piper vs. Bagwell boxing match. Oh my.

We recap Van Hammer vs. Rick Steiner. Basically Hammer had been beating people and asked for a title shot so Piper and Flair, the evil bosses, gave him Rick Steiner. The highlights of Van Hammer make it look like he keeps backing into wins like not getting pinned by Disco for the referee being distracted and not losing to Hugh Morrus because Flair banned hardcore wrestling.

TV Title: Van Hammer vs. Rick Steiner

Rick takes him into the corner and hammers away but gets taken down by a clothesline. Out to the floor and never mind as they’re back in a second later. Steiner hammers him down while selling nothing for the most part. Crowd is DEAD. Outside again and Van Hammer is sent into the railing. There’s a DDT on the concrete which should kill Van Hammer but since Steiner tries to pin him on the floor, this keeps going.

Back in now and Van Hammer gets some offense in but Steiner’s ego is threatened so he takes over again. He chokes away and now let’s go back outside again. Van Hammer gets a chair which Steiner FINALLY goes down from. Top rope clothesline gets two and I mean barely gets two. Steiner low blows him and bites Van Hammer in the balls. The bulldog ends this squash.

Rating: F. Rick Steiner in the late 90s was awful as he just refused to sell for ANYONE and was pushed with titles anyway. Having the video on Van Hammer made this look like it should have been a title change or at least a competitive match but since Steiner wouldn’t sell at all, this went nowhere.

Back to the junkyard which is now dark because it’s night. There’s a trophy for the winner of the “non-sanctioned” match.

We recap David Flair becoming US Champion. Ric literally just handed him the title and said you’re champion.

US Title: Dean Malenko vs. David Flair

David has Torrie Wilson with him in a tied off shirt and a skirt that is about as short as legally possible. In short, she looks insanely good. Ric, Arn and their so stupid it’s pathetic ripoff of Chyna called Asya (get it?) is with them. Oh and they have Charles Robinson who is called Little Naitch. The idea here is simple: David can’t do anything but the entourage is going to make sure he keeps the belt.

Dean easily schools him, taking him down without even trying. The announcers point out that David has never had any offense at all. He’s a prime example of being hurt by having a famous father. Dean dominates for awhile and gets the Cloverleaf for the tap but Arn has beaten up the referee. Little Naitch starts refereeing as Ric hits Dean with the belt to keep it on David. Benoit would get it off him eventually after Flair was stripped of the power I think. This was a joke.

We recap the West Texas Rednecks vs. No Limit Soldiers. Basically it’s rap vs. country. Basically there’s a cowboy music group and WCW brought in rapper Master P for like half a million bucks for one appearance. The idea was his cousin or nephew wanted to be a wrestler or something. Naturally the southern based company made the cowboys heels because they’re not that smart. Now we get the music video for the cowboys’ song: Rap is Crap. And yes I have it ion my iPOD. After the video we get part of Penzer firing up the crowd. Tony says Penzer was saying hi to family members. Oh just stop already Tony.

West Texas Rednecks vs. No Limit Soldiers

It’s Curt Hennig, Barry and Kendall Windham and Bobby Duncum Jr. vs. Konnan, Rey, Brad Armstrong (don’t ask why he’s in a rap team) and Swoll (huge guy that never did anything) and this is an elimination match. Oh and Rey is Cruiserweight Champion. Konnan speaks some weird language and talks about peeling potatoes. I’m sure there’s some other meaning in there somewhere, especially since tossing salads is mentioned.

Rey vs. Barry to start us off with Rey using his speed and splashes/moonsaults to take over. Off to Hennig who does better for about a second. Off to Armstrong who is there in gimmick number 387 for him, none of which worked that well. Duncum, who would be dead in like a six months, comes in and doesn’t do well either. Swoll comes in and it’s very obvious why he needed Master P to get him a job in WCW.

He can’t do much other than clotheslines which he sells for WAY too long. Barry gets a low blow to him and it’s off to Kendall. Rey comes in and takes both Bobby and Kendall to the floor at once. Konnan, the unofficial captain of the team is in now. He gets a bulldog to take Hennig down and things stay fast. Everything breaks down and slows down as well. The referee messes something up badly as he signals kickout before it happens. Not that it matters as Duncum is pinned a few seconds later. Messy spot there.

The rest of the Soldiers beat up Duncum as he leaves. Things grind to a halt now until we get to Armstrong vs. Hennig. Heel cheating results in a Perfectplex getting rid of Armstrong. Off to the captains again (Hennig vs. Konnan) and that lasts about a second as Kendall is in again. Konnan gets the rolling lariat and things get awkward again. Konnan gets what I guess you would call a rollup to get rid of Kendall.

If you need a scorecard it’s Barry/Hennig vs. Konnan/Rey/Swoll. Barry gets a DDT on Konnan as the Soldiers are fighting with Kendall now. Konnan vs. Barry now as this needs to end quickly. Nicely timed as they fight to the floor with one of the Soldiers named Chase carrying Barry off and it’s a double countout. I guess Soldiers are immune to disqualifications. It’s Rey/Swoll vs. Hennig now.

Swoll proves why it shouldn’t be him in there because he just isn’t that good. Barry comes back in so Swoll beats on him too until Chase gets rid of him. Thankfully Swoll would retire by the end of the year. Another of those far too long clotheslines sets up a tag to Rey who climbs on Swoll’s shoulders and dives off to pin Hennig with a splash.

Rating: D+. Well when they only had a few people in there this was good but after that, it turned into a huge mess. Swoll has zero business being in a ring at this point but hey, his cousin managed to not help the ratings at all and cost the company a few hundred grand so everything is cool right? Let the wrestlers wrestle and stop having the faces be jerks while the heels are just out there doing their thing.

Junkyard Invitational

Ciclope, Jerry Flynn, Johnny Grunge, Hak, Horace Hogan, Brian Knobbs, Fit Finlay, Hugh Morrus, La Parka, Steven Regal, Rocco Rock, Silver King, David Taylor, Mikey Whipwreck

It should be noted that no one knew who was going to be in this match until it starts and it just starts with no intros or anything. And yes, they’re actually in a junkyard with almost no lighting. This must be THRILLING for the live audience too. Oh and Hak (Sandman) made the invitation. Now remember, we have no idea who is in this, you can’t see anything, and since they’re in a real junkyard it’s all over everywhere. We go to an aerial shot for no apparent reason.

Public Enemy, who are here for one night only, throw a car over off a pile of them. Jimmy is running around with his helmet. We have sparks. No idea how to call this because YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING. Ciclope (I think) dives off a car with a swanton that misses, sending him into another car. Steven Regal and Dave Taylor are here and no one can believe it. Seriously this looks like an action scene from a bad movie and since they’re in fighting clothes rather than ring gear, it’s almost impossible to tell who is who.

It’s very clear that most guys are just walking around and not really doing anything. Occasionally they’ll do something but it’s not very much at all. Morrus jumps off a car and misses an elbow to Finlay. Various weapons shots go around and La Parka has a tail pipe. Bobby: “I hit a guy from behind with a transmission once but never a tail pipe.” Some luchador dives off a car onto a bunch of people.

Horace throws Rocco through a windshield. Heenan goes into a used car salesman pitch which is kind of funny. La Parka has a chair. This is just boring anymore. Finlay hits people with various objects. No one has gone for the exit yet. Tony and Bobby suggest ways to escape. Morrus misses a charge at a car. Finlay gets all superheroish and blocks a shot with a garbage can as a shield.

Dave Taylor gets a tire put over him and is stuck on the ground. Rocco and Horace finally try to get out. Rock gets halfway over the gate but Horace makes the save. Finlay rams a bumper into someone’s chest. Taylor finally dances out of the tire. Hak gets smacked in the head with something and just keeps walking. He and Finlay go over by a Chevy and Finlay is put in it. Someone comes over with a forklift and picks up the Chevy. Finlay gets out of it and the car gets crushed, exploding for no apparent reason at all. Finlay kicks over a barrel of fire and climbs out as something else blows up.

Rating: N/A. This wasn’t wrestling. I don’t know what it was but it wasn’t wrestling. I’ve seen a lot of stupid stuff in my time, but this very well may have been the stupidest. I mean seriously, who in the world thought this was a good idea? This apparently cost over $100,000 to put on, no one in the audience would have been able to see the video of this (remember that they more or less had to sit around for fifteen minutes) and about four of them got hurt in the process and were out for a long time. So freaking idiotic. This company deserved to fail.

We recap the Triad vs. Saturn/Benoit. The Triad are tag champions and work for Flair, so all three of them can use the Freebird Rule but at the same time. There was an 8 man tag where Flair/Piper/Page/Kanyon faced the Radicalz but with Bagwell instead of Eddie. Bagwell pinned Flair but we throw the match in here because why plug one match when you can plug two I guess.

Tag Titles: Jersey Triad vs. Chris Benoit/Perry Saturn

This is the ONLY good thing about this entire show. Remember that the Freebird Rule is in effect but they can trade off who is in the match at any time, more or less making this a handicap match. The starters here are Bigelow and Page. As for the actual match it’s Page vs. Saturn. All three members of the Triad are on the apron even though Kanyon was announced as accompanying them.

Saturn cleans house to start us off, knocking everyone to the floor. Off to Benoit vs. Bigelow and Page is on the floor now. Bigelow hammers him down but Benoit gets a boot up in the corner. How often do you see a single clothesline drop Biegelow? The Triad hits the floor for a bit so now it’s Saturn vs. Kanyon. Kanyon was the betrayer that cost Raven and Saturn the tag titles a few weeks ago to get them on the Triad.

Saturn tries a German on Kanyon but Kanyon grabs the referee to block it. Off to Benoit now who runs over Kanyon. There’s that snap suplex and into a Liontamer. Benoit and Saturn clear the ring again and Saturn gets two on Kanyon. Benoit gets a backbreaker for two. Kanyon keeps getting beaten on as Saturn hits a top rope legdrop for two. Totally one sided so far.

Page comes back in without a tag and sends Saturn to the floor. Some heel shenanigans put Saturn down and we hit the floor for a bit. Silverman, the referee here, counts really slowly. Bigelow and Kanyon are beating on Saturn now as the fans are paying attention to something else. Bigelow hits a chinlock because the fans aren’t paying attention. That’s a veteran move there and proof of what experience can teach you.

Kanyon sits Saturn on the top rope and tries what looks like a Fameasser but crotches himself before he can hit it. Saturn hits a suplex off the top and it’s off to Benoit. He cleans house but the numbers catch up to him. Page goes insane for a bit, jumping up on the ropes to yell at the fans. He goes outside and keeps yelling, even climbing on the barrier. Weird.

DDP and Bigelow are the “legal” Triad members now. We’re told about how awesome Page is and how he’s held every title. The only other people I can think of that did that are Sting and Luger (if you count the NWA versions as title reigns which I do). Flair technically did but his TV Title reigns were in the 70s when the title was more of a regional one. Eh not that it matters but I love stuff like that.

Kanyon gets a sunset flip on Benoit for two. Bigelow beats on him for awhile as the crowd pops for something. Page gets his turn now as Benoit is getting destroyed. It’s to the point now where Saturn has to make saves. There’s the hot tag but the referee doesn’t see it. Page gets that WICKED helicopter bomb on Benoit for two. Love that move. Kanyon gets a middle rope legdrop for two.

Benoit suplexes Kanyon and Bigelow saves the tag again. Benoit is like screw it and suplexes Bigelow. The fans are distracted again as Bigelow counters a suplex into kind of a cross body. The moonsault that wouldn’t have hit even if Benoit hadn’t moved but he did move misses and there’s Saturn finally. Saturn cleans house with suplexes and kicks and Benoit is back in already.

Bigelow and Benoit are the only ones in the ring. Saturn goes up top as does Benoit. Splash by Saturn is followed by the Swan Dive but Page makes the save. Northern Lights gets two on Page. Kanyon has powder as the referee goes down. Powder to Saturn but Page messes up and hits the Cutter on Kanyon but he gets the foot on the rope. Crowd is WAY into this. The Canadian hits a German on an American for two. There’s a garbage can in the ring and the referee goes down again. Page cleans house with the can and Bigelow/Page hit a 3D on Saturn to retain.

Rating: B+. Like I said, this is the only reason to watch this show but it’s a pretty awesome tag match. The Triad would lose the titles after Flair either fired them or lost power next month. This was really fun though and it ate up over twenty minutes so it had more than enough time to develop. Very fun stuff here and it’s worth seeing.

We recap Bagwell vs. Piper in a boxing match. Judge Mills Lane is the referee for no apparent reason. He’s Judge Judy but an angry bald man that looks way too much like Strickland from Back to the Future. No actual recap is given other than Lane saying why not box.

Buff Bagwell vs. Roddy Piper

Yes, they’re letting Piper box thirteen years after the Mr. T. debacle. Flair is in Piper’s corner here. Most of the signs in the crowd are anti-Buff. They were trying to push Buff at this point but then they turned him heel a few months later and had him become a lackey in the New Blood because that’s what Bagwell did. Bagwell brings out his mother to counteract Flair. I freaking give up.

Flair tells Bagwell he can leave now and it’ll be ok. Bagwell reminds Flair he already beat him (in the aforementioned 8 man tag) which doesn’t really explain much but who cares? There are ten two minute rounds but if this makes it to the fourth I’ll be stunned. Maybe 5% of the punches are landing. All Piper so far. Piper sticks out his chin and Bagwell hammers away then throws wrestling style punches. Bagwell goes down from a right with 45 seconds to go. You know it’s saying a lot when Piper isn’t trusted enough to have a five minute match. The tie up to end the round.

Flair puts some stuff on Piper’s gloves between rounds. Piper peppers him a bit and Bagwell can’t move because of the stuff in his eyes. Flair wipes the gloves off and Piper hammers away. This is awful by the way. Another right hand puts Bagwell down. Buff hammers away in the corner and Piper is down. This is way too similar to the Mr. T. fight, almost down to some of the same choreography. Piper jumps him early and Mama Bagwell bites Piper’s ear. The water bucket goes on Piper’s head, there’s the Blockbuster and Lane counts the pin.

Rating: W. As in wrestling. This is a wrestling PPV isn’t it? Why am I watching bad boxing? So stupid and bad I can’t comprehend it. Seriously, a five minute match couldn’t accomplish this? So stupid.

We recap the main event which involves a Hummer almost running various people over. That wouldn’t be explained for months but here it was implied to be Sid. Savage and Sid were beating down Nash and Sting saved him, setting up the title match. Sting allegedly was driving the Hummer but there was no real proof of it.

There was a match where David Flair faced Nash for the title and all of Flair’s crew plus Sid/Savage were there. Nash said the title was on the line but if he won he got Torrie for 72 hours. Nash got a taser and zapped everyone then stole Macho’s manager Gorgeous George and Torrie left. They saw Sting sitting in a Hummer but it wasn’t moving. A guy that looked like Sting beat up Nash a few days later. In short, it made very little sense.

WCW World Title: Kevin Nash/Sting vs. Randy Savage/Sid

Remember whoever gets the pin on Nash wins the title. Savage has Madusa, Gorgeous George (looks GREAT in tiny white shorts) and Miss Madness (jumped to WWF and became Molly Holly). George has black eyes and it’s exactly what it’s supposed to look like. Yes, they’re doing a girl beater angle. The fans chant Goldberg before we get started. George goes to stand in Nash’s corner and kind of shrugs about it.

Savage vs. Sting to start us off. Sting won’t shake Mach’s hand. And let’s stall as Savage goes to yell at George. Sting uses the distraction to get things going. Everyone is in black here. Off to Sid and this isn’t going to be pretty. Sid hammers away for a bit and Sting gets a cross body. Sid gets knocked to the floor as this isn’t much so far. Sting gets beaten down a bit and it’s back to Savage.

I guess we’re waiting for Nash to come in off the hot tag. Back to Sid as this is really dull. Sid puts on a worse chinlock than even Scott Steiner would use. Crowd isn’t caring in the slightest. Back to Savage and the heels cheat a lot. Sting makes a comeback and hits a dropkick, allowing him to bring Nash (Bobby: The biggest man in sports today!) who cleans house.

Back to Sting as Nash was in there maybe 90 seconds. Out to the floor and you know that Splash that Sting always tries when his opponent is against the railing that always misses? Well guess what happens here. Savage takes over as this needs to end really badly. Back off to Sid with a chinlock again. Sting does the falling onto the balls spot but only the tips of his hair hits. Sid has to sell it though, making it look even worse.

Nash and Savage come in at the same time and Nash beats him down rather easily. Side slam to Sid. Everything breaks down and the girls get beaten up too. Sting gets chokeslammed and heads to the floor with Sid. The fans want Goldberg. Nash loads up the Jackknife on Savage but George turns on him 13 minutes after she turned to him, hitting a low blow which lets Savage hit the big elbow for the title. He would lose it the very next night to a returning face Hogan and would have four more matches in WCW before leaving in a month. He came back for one night in May but does it really matter?

Rating: F. Let’s see. The story made next to no sense, the stipulations weren’t clear to say the least as a partner could pin a partner, Randy Savage is champion despite leaving in like a month, George turned twice in 13 minutes and the match totally sucked. Pick any of those reasons and write your own rant about why this sucked.

Overall Rating: F-. I had to sit here and think of how to grade this because it was actually hard. Not because I was thinking if it was good or not, but because I was trying to figure out if it’s the worst show I’ve ever seen. We had a very good tag title match though so I can’t totally bury it, but this was just horrible. Oh and George in those shorts. I mean good freaking night. Anyway, this should be required viewing for vacuum manufacturers because this level of suck would be worth millions to them. Absolutely horrible and a great example of why WCW died during this year.

 

[WWEIsLife2]

Good job on all the 3 Bash At The Beach PPVs and I have this one on VHS. I would agree it was pretty bad overall,I think I had stopped watching WCW for the most part by this point but I found this PPV when I was working at Goodwill a couple years ago.

Been awhile since ive watched it but I remember the Main Event being a total mess as you pointed out and why they had Savage win the World Title only to lose it to Hogan the next night made little sense. I do remember the Tag Title Match being very good and the only good Match on this BATB. I too am not sure who dreamed up that Junkyard Match and who thought it was a good idea. Sounded like something Russo would have done but he was still a couple months away from going there.

The rest of the Show is a blur but I may have to throw it in again sometime.

 

[The Bearded One]

Mills Lane is more than just a television judge. He was a boxing referee long before he ever became a judge on televised small claims court, so he had some kind of relevance as to why he was chosen to referee a boxing match. Lane was a boxing referee for over 30 years, so his inclusion in the match did make some sort of logical sense. I think WCW just saw his sudden surge in popularity due to his television show and realized they were planning a boxing match, so they decided to tie him in to hopefully get a few extra buys. It's not that outrageous that a former boxing referee, and one as legendary as Mills Lane, would referee a boxing match.

 

[Hollywood Naitch]

That sounds like one of the worst shows I have ever seen. Thank God I have never bothered to see it, although I may have to YouTube that Junyard match just to see how bad it really is. Something so badly lit, and so dangerous had no place being on a wrestling PPV, especially when you didn't even know who was in the match?!

The Savage title win was a waste of time, Rick Steiner was being his usual No-Selling self and the 1st match, the David Flair match and the boxing match all sound awful and had no reason to be on the card.

Awful sounding show, but a great review all the same KB.

 

[klunderbunker]

Mills Lane is more than just a television judge. He was a boxing referee long before he ever became a judge on televised small claims court, so he had some kind of relevance as to why he was chosen to referee a boxing match. Lane was a boxing referee for over 30 years, so his inclusion in the match did make some sort of logical sense. I think WCW just saw his sudden surge in popularity due to his television show and realized they were planning a boxing match, so they decided to tie him in to hopefully get a few extra buys. It's not that outrageous that a former boxing referee, and one as legendary as Mills Lane, would referee a boxing match.

Not the point.

My point is that this is a wrestling show, not a boxing one. There was zero reason for anyone to be refereeing a boxing match, because a boxing match shouldn't have been on the card in the first place.