Lewis Middleton, agent to Ace Stevens and all-round good egg, is sitting in his Manhattan office tending to some paperwork. Things are going well for the graduate of Cambridge University. He's on top of the work, the pay is good and he gets to look out over one of the greatest cities on earth every day. Things are, as he would say, splendid. But then
Ace Stevens walks in to his office.
Hey, I wrote a musical.
Cool.
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Ace Stevens
Ace Stevens & the Path to Eurasia
A young, unnamed man is walking alone through a dry, desert-like terrain. He's dressed in black boots, black jeans, a white t-shirt and leather jacket attire completely at odds with his surroundings. The heat and lack of humidity is affecting him slightly, but not so much that it is detrimental to his health. He impulsively kicks a rock far off into the distance in an effort to entertain himself. The young man, who we shall now call Ace-
Whoa, Ace? Your name? You're using your name?
Yes. Yes I am. Now where was I? Oh, yeah...
The young man, who we shall now call Ace, takes a few paces towards the rock. The rough, sandy terrain crunches under foot. But as he kicks the rock further along the desert plain, he sees something. Something far off in the distance. A figure of some sort. Is it an animal? A human? Or simply a trick of the mind? Being the possessor of a wonderfully curious mind, Ace seeks to explore the anomaly on the horizon, leaving the rock where it is.
Twenty minutes later-
Wait, what happens in that twenty minutes?
He's walking to the figure he saw, dum-dum.
Right, so is that what the audience sees? For twenty minutes?
No, no, of course not. It'll be like a montage or something.
You can't really show montages in the theatre.
Fine, it'll be an intermission or whatever. Just listen to me, alright? So twenty minutes later, he walks up to the mystery figure...
As our protagonist approaches the figure, he sees what it is. He sees that the reason for his curiosity and intrigue is... a
snake. Long and thin, it glides along the rocky terrain with ease. As the snake opens it's mouth, Ace can see it's large fangs and forked tongue. It's seemingly smooth red and black skin makes it look all the more dangerous. Our protagonist kneels down to the snake, inspecting it further.
Stop, human! hisses the snake.
Whoa! You can talk?!
So can you, the snake deadpans.
But how can you talk? asks Ace, his words dripping with genuine curiosity and interest.
I'm going to go on record and say the dialogue isn't great, Ace.
Go to Hell. It's perfect.
So Ace says
but how can you talk?. The snake replies directly and succinctly.
I can talk because I'm not a snake at all. I'm your subconscious manifestation of Isabel Stone.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
LET THE SNAKE TALK!
So the snake says
I'm not a snake, I'm the subconscious manifestation of Isabel Stone, blah, blah, blah and continues to tell Ace of his purpose.
I'm here to stop you from fulfilling your dream. I'm here to stop you from fulfilling your destiny. I'm here to stop you from going to Eurasia.
So how do I get past you and continue to my Asia?
I am the first of three obstacles in your way. As you progress towards your goal, you will find that each challenge is more daunting than the last says the snake in a hauntingly snake-like voice.
Ha, so you're the least daunting? That's good to know.
I... no... erm, I'm the... shut up the snake hisses back venomously.
So do I just, like, punch you or something?
Oh no, no, no, no. This is not a battle of fists, Ace. This is not even a battle of wits or of minds. This, my friend, this is a battle of song.
A what now?
Music begins to play in the background. It's beat heavy, almost acoustic-sounding music. As it plays, the snake begins their song.
I am the snake of power
I am a snake alone
I am the snake of strength and slyness
I am the snake of stone
Once you see me
Once you hear me
You know you can't beat me
Hiss!
I can slither
I can sneak
I can stop you gaining
what you seek
Once you see me
Once you hear me
You know you can't beat me
Hiss!
Because I am the snake of darkness
I am the snake of this zone
I am the snake of smartness
I am the snake of Stone
Ace looks the snake up and down, equally amazed and concerned at what he has just witnessed. Although he's not usually the singing type, Ace prepares to perform his own ditty. Before promptly punching the snake in the face.
Hold on. You punch a snake in the face?
I don't, dude. The character that I've created does. Keep up.
That's... weird. And mean. Your'e a mean person.
No, I'm not mean. The character's mean. But he isn't. Because the snake deserved it. Annoying little show-off.
After defeat from the fist of Ace Stevens, the snake magically disappears. And content with his victory, the protagonist marches on.
That was, um, different. Yeah, different. You'll have to get a theatre company to put tha-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, didn't you hear the snake, bro? We still got two more enemies to go. So the main character is now walking through this jungle...
The intrepid explorer gazes in awe at the vast ecosystem on display deep in the warm, wet jungle. Exotic flowers, huge plants and colourful insects all add to the rich tapestry of the forest. But as he lingers by a flower, examining it's complex beauty, Ace spots something. Something swinging from tree to tree in a mesmerising display of athletic prowess. As our protagonist steps further to get a glimpse of the unidentified creature, it immediately swings from a near by branch and glides majestically through the air to land at the feet of Ace. What he believed to be the case becomes a reality as the once unknown animal reveals itself as a
chimpanzee. Stern and powerful with a dark, luscious coat of fur, this is no ordinary chimp.
'Sup, homie.
The relaxed nature of the primate is a direct contrast to his appearance and as such, it catches Ace off-guard.
Uh... yeah. Hi, I think. Who are you?
I'm the monkey that's going to stop you from getting to Eurasia. Yeah, sorry about that. Did you beat the snake? Did the snake not tell you? I'm sorry, dude. Here, have a banana.
The monkey that stands in the way of Ace Stevens tosses one of his many bananas to him.
Yeah, I di-
Anyway, I'm Matt. You can call me whatever you want though. Matt, Matty, M-Dogg, Big M, M-Tizzle or The Pope. Matt The Monkey is a big one. I'm technically not a monkey, but I let it slide. Just the kind of guy I am.
Yea-
Hey, wanna see a magic trick?
Not re-
Okay, so I'm gonna take this banana and make it disappear. I don't normally like to wast food, but it's worth it in the name of entertainment. So I'm gonna take this bana-
YO! Can we just do this thing, man? Come on. I got places to go. Places to be. You know why I'm here. I know why I'm here. Let's just have this battle of song.
Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. You're right, says Matt, dejectedly, his demeanour changing from exuberant to sad in a matter of moments.
A slow, strong drum beat starts. It is reminiscent of the sounds of the jungle and the rainforest.
Ah-ah-ooohhh!
Ah-ah-ooohhh!
I'm the king of this jungle
I'm the king for this day
I can beat any tiger
That stands in my way
If it comes to singing
If it comes to claws
I can take any creature
I can even take Jaws
I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of guy
I swing from the trees, born to glide
So every girl knows I'm kinda fly
Swing from a vine and take a ride, oh
This jungle is my everything
It's the thing that I flow through
So don't try and take it from me
'Cause I'll beat your ass like Goku
Big M has finished his song. It was powerful, and appeared to take a lot of energy out of the man/chimp. Ace Stevens looks at his right hand. He knows what he should do. But more worryingly, he knows what he can do. So much like he did with the talking snake, Ace balls up his fist and strikes quickly. Matt, the happy-go-lucky chimpanzee, falls to the ground and evaporates into nothing within seconds. The scene is not pleasant, but for Ace Stevens, that's number two.
You cannot go around punching animals in a musical!
I think we should let the courts decide on that one. Anyway, shut up. We're nearly done.
It's been hours, days, or even weeks since Ace's victory over Matt, the chimpanzee. His hair has grown, his beard has grown and his clothes have accumulated a lot of dirt. This time, however, he finds himself in a very different setting to dry, hot deserts or warm, humid jungles. He finds himself in arctic conditions. Snow isn't just falling, it's pounding the ground. There is no wildlife, no civilisation, no nothing. Just Ace and the vast, white plains that lie ahead of him. In attempt to amuse himself, he kicks a snowball sitting in front of him. Rather than glide elegantly into the distance, the snowball shatters instantly, spraying snow loosely in front of him. As the debris scatters, Ace once again spots something, much like he did in the desert previously a figure. This time, however, it is much closer. As the animal runs towards the main character of this story, he sees that it is in fact a
polar bear one of the more fierce arctic creatures. As the bear comes within talking distance of Ace, it stands on it's back legs and begins to talk.
Stevens. I'm glad you're not late.
Ace Stevens takes one look at the bear, and hits it square on the nose. The bear falls down and, much like the previous two opponents, disappears into nothing. Leaving Ace, once again, completely alone. Albeit, victorious.
Well that last character didn't get a lot of stage time.
Eh, it was a very simple character. The bear is Justin Cooper, or Mr. Cooper if you want. The arctic atmosphere represented his cold demeanour, while the the bear represented his anger. Textbook stuff, really.
But wasn't the bear supposed to be the most difficult opponent? I mean, the main character just took him out with one punch.
I guess I'm just too- I mean I guess the character is just too good.
So what happens now? Does Ace finally get to Eurasia?
Ah, I'm saving that for a sequel. It's called 'Ace Stevens Finally Gets to Eurasia'. Keep a look out for it.