Signal Panic, Inc. Presents
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"Council Encounter!"
The death of Master Chop Onion had sent a shockwave through
Action Saxton's life. The old kung-fu master had given him a chance when no one else had, trained him in the art of kung fu that had given him so many opportunities in his lifetime, taught him right from wrong, and had rescued him from a life of mediocrity. Only Fakename McGillicutty was more influential in the development of Action Saxton, and now both of them were long-gone.
If anything, it hurt much more now that the Badass Brother had had the chance to accept it. During his match with Constantine and Kravinoff, it hadn't quite sunk in, but as he sat in the middle of a circle of some of the greatest kung fu masters in the world, it weighed on him more heavily than Mikey Stormrage on a feather bed in a bouncy castle. As the tag team champion looked around the darkened room and into the stern faces of the members of the Sacred Council of Chinese Kung Fu Masters, he felt an emotion he hadn't felt in a very, very long time.
Fear.
"
All rise!" said one of the kung fu masters, raising his large top hat and standing up. He stroked his beard and stared at Action Saxton pensievely as the rest of the masters got to their feet. "
We are gathered here today to assess the suitability of one Action Saxton to join our illustrious council of elders and to replace the late Master Chop Onion as leader of Master Chop Onion's School of Kung Fu and Ninja Rehabilitation. All those who understand the purpose of this meeting, say 'hai'."
There was a general murmuring of consent throughout the room from the masters in assembly, and they all took their seats again.
"
Action Saxton, it was the great Master Chop Onion's dying wish that you be instated leader of his dojo. Normally, we in the council do our best to ensure a member's final wish is carried out, but that does not mean we are one to buck tradition and go instating willy-nilly! We have a long-standing tradition of making sure only the best of our kind are allowed to take head chair."
"
Mmmnyes!" said a man in a pink gi with a very large moustache, who was sitting to the right of the master in the top hat. His high-pitched voice echoed throughout the chamber. "
All potential applicants must be given a thorough evaluation!"
"
It is as Master Betty says," the head master said. "
Shortly before his passing, Master Chop Onion let us know of his wish, and since then we have been meditating and waiting for this day to come."
The head master cleared his throat.
"
After many days of rumination and debate, the Sacred Council of Chinese Kun Fu Masters has deemed you, Action Saxton, unfit to take the position as head of Master Chop Onion's School of Kung Fu and Ninja Rehabilitation."
"
Aw, what the hell?" Action Saxton's words exploded out of his mouth before he knew what he had even said. The Council gasped, but the master in the hat folded his arms.
"
It has already been decided," he said. "
You, Action Saxton, may be a talented individual in the realm of kung fu, but you do not uphold the code of honor that we strive for! With your friend holding you back, you will never reach the potential you strive towards. When the two of you are together, you..."
He pointed towards Action Saxton, who was still seated in the center of the circle.
"
...are too silly!"
"
Now you see here, suckas-" Saxton started to say, but was cut off.
"
We want no trouble in the council!" said another master from behind Saxton. "
You are bad role model for children!"
"
Sucka, I love children-"
"
You will never win!" said a master in a skull helmet with a very deep voice.
"
Sucka, I win all the-"
"
You have all the ability in the world, Action Saxton," the man in the hat boomed, "
and you refuse to use it. You place yourself in a team with the spandex-wearing simpleton and spend your days being ridiculous! from the first day you set out into the world of WZCW to spread our craft, you have done nothing but embarass yourself and this council."
"
Shut the hell up!" Saxton roared.
"
And now you disrespect me, the high elder!" the hat man gasped. "
Do you wish to face my one-inch punch?"
"
I want you to stop talking so I can say my part, sucka," Saxton replied.
"
Nothing you say will change our minds," the man said. "
From the moment you filmed your embarassing trip to the airport to the time you belittled the young student you were meant to train, you have done nothing but bring a bad name to our council and Master Chop Onion's dojo."
Action Saxton sat in his chair, seething with rage. The man in the hat looked down at him smugly before continuing.
"
With that said, it is tradition that we allow the candidate to say his piece before starting the final and official voting. Action Saxton, if you wish."
Action Saxton glared at the floor. Slowly, he lifted his head to glare at each individual master around the room.
"
Come, Action Saxton, we are waiting," the hat master said.
Still glaring, the Badass Brother raised a large fist to his lips and cleared his throat.
"
Y'all suckas need to listen up, and listen up good," he said. "
Y'all suckas are sayin' all the things to me today I know you've been sayin' since the day I walked through China's front door. You all sayin' 'Oh, Action Saxton is too silly, he ain't focused, he ain't good enough!'. I say, it ain't me, it's you suckas who are too old to understand what truly makes me as damn good as I am!"
He took a step forward, towards the hat master, who to his credit did not move an inch.
"
I am sick and tired of hearing this from all sides, from everywhere I go. People always be sayin' I got the talent but not the drive. People like you be sayin' I like to have too much fun to be taken seriously. They say I should be more like the serious suckas, like Rush or Sam Smith, the biggest and the baddest. They say that because I'm in a tag team that I'm somehow holdin' myself down."
"
And they are correct!" barked the hat master. "
If you do not think for one second that you are squandering your abilities by teaming with that spandex-wearing idiot and spending your time creating yourselves in videogames instead of properly training for your contests, I do not know what to tell you!"
"
Well, sucka, you gonna have to be speechless, because where you see failure Action Saxton only sees success." Action Saxton turned to the other masters, one-by-one. "
Suckas, if Master Chop Onion taught me one thing, it was that there is always another way of doing somethin' right. I wasn't your typical student, but that crazy-ass m'sucka took me under his wing and molded me into one of the best damn fighters any of you have ever seen. You know what I can do. You've seen it with your own damn eyes. If you think for one second just because I'm hoppin' through time instead of conducting interviews that this somehow makes me less of a fighter, you've got another thing coming."
He walked up to Master Betty.
"
Master Betty," he said, "
you love bird-watching in your free time, is this correct?"
"
Mmmmnyes," Master Betty replied.
"
Is it true you like to seek out the goofy-looking birds, like flamingos, because they make you laugh?"
"
W- well," Master Betty stammered. "
I enjoy the birdies because..."
Betty sighed.
"
Yes. That is why."
"
And you can't tell me you suckas are goin to kick Master Betty out because this sucka does something that ain't kung fu all the time," Saxton continued. "
Just because he ain't always talkin' trash and kickin' ass, just because he likes to look at goofy-lookin' birds in his free time don't mean he's unworthy of bein' a kung fu king!"
"
That is beside the point!" the hat master said, pounding the desk. "
Whether or not Master Betty enjoys Silly Birdwatching is highly irrelavant! Your association with the masked moron has made you weak, Action Saxton."
"
And I wholly disagree with your stupid-ass assumption, sucka!" Saxton roared. "
Bein' in a team with Saboteur has made me stronger than ever. We managed to become two-time WZCW tag team champions, and that is something only one other team has ever been able to boast. This kung-fu stuff ain't just about bein' the best individually, and it ain't just about bein' all serious all the time like those suckas Sam Smith and Rush."
The hat master harrumphed. He leaned back in his chair. "
You've gotten me curious," he said. "
You are continually mentioning these two individuals. Please, enlighten me as to why."
Action Saxton looked through narrowed eyes at the hatted master. "
I keep mentionin' them because me and my boy Saboteur are going to be kicking their asses as soon as this meeting here is over and I am the new master of Master Chop Onion's school. Those suckas, they be clingin' to the old ways, just like your goofy-asses. Rush was someone I had a huge amount of respect for. He saved my ass during one Lethal Lottery, and I kicked his ass the next. But after he came back, he stayed stuck in the past, and I moved on. As for Sam Smith, that sucka ain't about the crowd, he ain't about nothin' but himself. It wins him some titles, but suckas, it don't win him any fans."
Action Saxton crossed his arms, still not breaking eye contat with the hatted master.
"
Sucka, you and all these other suckas are just like them. You are all old, you are all stuck in your goofy-ass ways, and you all be thinkin' that just because I am a young, handsome man who likes to kick ass as much as he likes to kick it that I'm some kinda pushover, that I am not worthy of reaching the top, whether it be in the ring or in this council here. What you and those suckas seem to have forgotten is that none of y'all started alone."
Action Saxton looked off into the distance. The hatted master's gaze seemed to soften, very slightly.
"
Suckas, I was alone once. I was alone in WZCW until I met my boy Saboteur. Yeah, we fought, but we bonded and learned from our goofy selves until we formed a team that is unbreakable. Suckas, your dojos ain't nothin' without students, kinda like how us wrestlers are nothin' without our fans, and how I am nothin' without my teammates backin' me up. It don't matter whether they be my friend Marceline, my old Army partner Kung Fu Jones, or my tag team partner Saboteur. Action Saxton don't work alone, and maybe it's time for you suckas to loosen the hell up and remember that that's what the old ways was all about."
Action Saxton approached his chair and looked the hatted master dead in the eye.
"
If y'all think I'm too silly and that my partner is draggin' me down, I don't need this spot. But y'all need to remember what Master Chop Onion always said: 'I'm the sensei, you are my students, but before that, you and I are friends. We lean on each other any way we can. We all need love, no matter woman or a man.'
Can you dig it?"
Action Saxton took a seat, the silence following his words deafening. No one spoke. No one even blinked. Breathing had stopped. It was as though time itself had frozen. It wasn't until a loud noise cut through the air, almost like the crack of a whip, that the air returned to the room.
The loud noise continued, growing louder and louder. Each master turned to the hatted master to see what was going on, and received quite the shock.
He was applauding.
Slowly, the other masters around the room joined in, a smattering of applause filling the confines of the space. As it died down, the hatted master rose to his feet.
"
Action Saxton," he said, "
you are right."
He chuckled.
"
Perhaps us old fogies are a bit behind the times. Perhaps we should not be judging you on the way you train or those you associate with. We all started somewhere, had our wild and halcyon days, and perhaps a younger vision is exactly what this council needs. Your speech has touched my heart, and I think I finally see what Master Chop Onion saw in you all those years ago and continued to see in you until the very end."
He held out a hand.
"
Congratulations, Master Saxton. Welcome to the Council."
Action Saxton looked at the master, and then to the empty chair where Master Chop Onion once sat. Slowly, he walked to the chair and laid a hand on it. He briefly turned to the sky, and then back to the hatted master.
"
Sorry, suckas," he said, "
but council duties are gonna have to wait. Right now, I got a friend to meet back up with and some old asses to kick. But before that..."
Action Saxton leaned on the chair.
"
Y'all suckas need some official Words Of Wisdom from the newest Master."
The council members all leaned forward as Action Saxton stopped to think. Finally, he snapped a finger and spoke.
"
Even if there is no God or Devil, suckas, there is always Action Saxton."
And with that, he turned on his heel and walked into the darkness and out of the room. The hatted master frowned.
"
...Perhaps his second words of wisdom will be more...traditional," he said.
The councilmembers murmured amongst themselves, and then broke for lunch.
