AS63: Barbosa & S.H.I.T. vs. The Empire

[Kermit]

In a rematch from their match at All or Nothing, these two teams will lace up their gear and warm up for their impending Tag Team Title shot at the Lethal Lottery. Last time these two teams fought Barbosa & S.H.I.T. got the win, but now The Empire is more seasoned and hungrier. Who will capitalize on the match carry all of the momentum going into the tag bout on the PPV? Only time will tell.​

Deadline is Wednesday, April 24th 2013, at 11:59 P.M. (Central Time Zone)​

 

[Miko]

As usual S.H.I.T found itself asking “why?” Why had Barbosa asked for this interview? Was it some sort of test? Stacey Madison and the camera guy were taking their time setting up for the duo and Barbosa was busy muttering to himself about something, S.H.I.T used the time to do what the Depressive Barbosa had tried to teach it, it tried to learn. It tried to figure out why.

Their scheduled match was against Empire, again they had to fight the two that had tried to blow them up at Unscripted. Barbosa clearly still held a grudge, S.H.I.T didn’t really know how to hold a grudge, they had beaten Empire at All Or Nothing after all. If it was necessary it would beat Empire again, if Barbosa suggested it S.H.I.T would wrap them up in Barb Wire and leave them at the mercy of C4, it would do so without a second thought or a moment of conscious. It wouldn’t enjoy it perhaps as the Barbosa might, but it would do it.

Still they had beaten Empire at All Or Nothing, they could do it again.

Perhaps that was it, perhaps that was enough even for Barbosa. Since they had been forced into a union by Bowen and Cooper S.H.I.T and Barbosa had been unstoppable, beating among others the tag team champions and former number 1 contenders. S.H.I.T and Barbosa surely had to be at the top of the tag team tree right now, and they were going in to win the tag titles at the next PPV. For all the things this odd couple were, they were also pro-wrestlers, S.H.I.T was programmed to be so and surely the goal of pro-wrestlers was to win titles. Both had had scant opportunities to do so for a long time now, perhaps Barbosa wanted to take this as seriously as possible. Perhaps that was the whole point of this, Barbosa had been as title starved as S.H.I.T and the strangely likeable Manic seemed to be obsessed by shiny gold belts. The Depressive, who seemed to retain ultimate control understood the importance of them as well.

Perhaps if S.H.I.T and Barbosa won the tag belts the Manic incarnation would watch ‘Cash it Dolph’ with S.H.I.T again. . . That would be, correct!

Stacey Madison looked set up and ready for the interview, S.H.I.T looked across at its tag team partner, if it was titles the Barbosa wanted, then it was titles they were going to get.

Stacey Madison raises her mic and begins the interview.

“Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, I am joined by one of the teams who will challenge for the WZCW tag team titles at the Lethal Lottery; perhaps the hottest tag team in WZCW today - Barbosa and S.H.I.T.”

Barbosa has a dismissive smirk on his face. Clearly the one labelled as the Smoker was still in charge.

Perhaps? We are "perhaps the hottest team in WZCW today"? Tell us, Stacey, what exactly do we have to do to be considered the best tag team? Defeat Empire? Beat Saxton and Saboteur? Trounce the tag champs? Oh wait… we have done all that already!

“There are other teams out there.”

Carnival of Chaos? Sacrificial Altar? Fairy Glitter Armageddon? Do we have to beat those as well?

“It would certainly help your cause to be considered the best.”

Barbosa smirks again.

Oh really... Well, perhaps we are not interested in becoming tag team champions? Did that ever occur to you, Stacey?

This sent the internal alarm bells of S.H.I.T ringing, the Smoker was the contradictory one but it didn't look like either of the others was going to reel him in. Perhaps that was S.H.I.T's job.

“Then why have you have asked for this promo time despite not being all that forth-coming in the past if not to talk about the tag team titles?” Continued Stacy.

Perhaps the only reason we came together as a team was to ensure that we got the revenge we required following what Empire did to us at Unscripted? Perhaps all we want to do is…

Perhaps the Smoker had remained in control for too long, perhaps it was S.H.I.T’s cue to get things back on track. It jumps in and interrupts Barbosa before any more damage to their title chase can be done.

Win the WZCW tag team titles!

What?

In accordance with wrestling traditions, to be considered the best, we must win the WZCW tag team titles.

But we do not care about the tag…

Time to cut the Barbosa off again.

PROMO MODE ACTIVATED!

S.H.I.T may not have conducted many promo’s, but had seen many promo’s given in its time, and if they were to be taken seriously as wrestlers and chase tag team gold, then they must act like wrestlers.

Well, let me tell you something, brother... sister! This one has walked through the valley of the shadow of death, has feared no evil and known only robotic loneliness!

S.H.I.T start’s in its emotionless monotone.

Only these men have walked a similar route of solitude to this one.

It turns, playing for the camera as it has so often seen done before, slapping Barbosa on the back.

What are you doing?

Poo is being silly!

S.H.I.T turns back to the camera, pointing straight down the lense.

At first we were on a collision course - one that could only end in mutually assured destruction. But now BarboSHIT stand united and victorious over all that come up against us.

With a liquid lubricant in our visual implements, it will be the greatest moment in our wrestling careers when the Automated Bipolar Express runs over the Empire and Action Saboteur to take those WZCW tag team titles from the Bearded Gents!

And then together, Technosa will take the Lethal Lottery by storm, waltz to victory and then take the WZCW Heavyweight Title at Kingdom Come!

That is the bottom line because Barbed Wire say so!

Have a nice day! What a rush! OOOOH! HAVE MERCY! BANG BANG!

 

[Барбоса]

*Stacey and Barbosa stand dumbfounded with the latter particularly stunned at the sudden outburst of animation from his manbotic tag team partner; his mouth ajar in shock, his face contorted in dismay, his brow furrowed in disbelief and his eyes wide like there is no one home.*

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*The poker room door slams open again; its hinges groaning under the effects of yet another large boot print forcefully stamped on it. A clearly irate Smoker, complete with a large bandage wrapped around his head from his recent cranial meeting with the poker table, storms into the room.*

The Smoker: WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING?!?

*At this sudden intrusion complete with outburst, while the Depressive remains seated at the poker table, engrossed in what looks like an academic article, the Manic leaps up from the table and runs away from the Smoker.*

The Smoker: No, not you - although we will talk about this at some point.

*The Smoker gestures to the rather large bump on the side of his head before turning back to the Depressive.*

The Smoker: What is that piece of SHIT doing hijacking the interview we were going to us to state how we were going to finish the job we started at All or Nothing and make sure that Booper and Cowen…

Manic: Booper and Cowen? Haha! We are almost as funny as Saboteur!

*The Smoker aims yet another scowl in the direction of the tittering Manic, sending him cowering further away into the corner.*

The Smoker: That Booper and Cowen do not make it to Lethal Lottery and the title match they barely deserve.

Depressive: They did beat the tag team champions in a non-title match.

The Smoker: And so did we. And do you know who else we beat?

*The Manic throws his hand up in the air desperately to answer that question.*

Manic: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, we know! We know! Action Saxton and Saboteur! We beat them!

The Smoker: Yeah, we beat those two idiots too, but we were actually thinking about how we dispatched Empire with consummate ease when we faced them in a match. That we have defeated three of the "top" tag teams in WZCW one after another in our last three matches means that we should already have the belts.

Manic: Oooh, shiny belts!

The Smoker: But, noooo. We have to jump through more hoops than a Crifts assault course winner. And now this manbot is stealing the air time we specifically asked for to issue our warning to Empire and whoever else decides to stick their nose in our business. So we ask again…

*The Smoker slams his fist onto the table.*

The Smoker: WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING?!?

*While the Manic squeaks and cowers in the corner, having remained stoic and unmoved so far in the face of the Smoker's angry tirade, the Depressive finally reacts beyond comment. Putting down the article he has been reading - Buss, Gomes, Higgins and Lauterback (1987) 'Tactics of Manipulation' - he turns towards the questioning Smoker.*

Depressive: In a word? Learning.

The Smoker: Learning what? How to piss off its tag partner in one simple step? It is doing a sterling job if that is the case. Ten out of ten.

Depressive: Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology has been learning the entire time it has spent with us.

Now it appears to have decided that this interview is some sort of test devised by us for it to demonstrate what it has learned about human personality.

The Smoker: But it is not.

Depressive: No, it has misunderstood the meaning behind this interview but at the same time Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology has shown initiative and is attempting to tap into the cult of personality that so governs this industry and even current society by channelling the kind of style that has proven popular and successful in the past.

The Smoker: What, by making itself and by extension us a laughing stock?

Depressive: Because a man dressed head to toe in battle armour made of a series of corrugated cardboard boxes who has been mentally conditioned to believe that he is a mindless, emotionless automaton is going to be taken seriously even if he speaks eloquently and eruditely?

*Neither the Smoker nor the Manic attempt to answer this question but whether it is due to its underlying point of SHIT's inherent ludicrousness or because neither of them understands what "eruditely" means is not elaborated upon.*

Depressive: Besides, our past escapades, good or bad, clever or ridiculous…

*The Depressive gives a quick look towards the Manic.*

Depressive: However, it is necessary for us to make sure that Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology stays focused on our next match against Empire rather than our opportunity to win the tag titles or even the Lottery itself in coming weeks.

Manic: That will be easy. It is a robot. We'll just flick a switch and "Hey presto!"

*This time both the Depressive and the Smoker stare at the Manic, who quickly crumbles under the twin gaze and retreats back into his corner.*

Depressive: Destroying those who attempted to end us at Unscripted was the primary goal of our associating with Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology and we should not allow that to slip through our fingers again.

The Smoker: Well then, we better get back out there and make sure that that boxed idiot sees the importance of that revenge.

*It is clear from his inference and body language that the Smoker expects the Depressive to take the lead in this endeavour. But the Depressive has other ideas…*

Depressive: Yes, we should.

The Smoker: What? Why should we do this? We hate that stupid robot and we are hardly the persuasive type.

Depressive: Because what Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology needs is a temporary reboot of its original "factory settings…"

Manic: Yeah, just flick a switch!

Depressive: And who better to remind it of the importance of revenge against those who continually wrong us and to highlight that the best way to achieve is to rely on its original programming to DESTROY?

The Smoker: Don't make us do this…

Depressive: The choice is made.

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*Barbosa's mouth snaps shut but his brow remains furrowed.*

Barbosa: Excuse us for a moment, Stacey.

*With that, Barbosa puts his arm around the squared shoulders of SHIT and leads it away from the camera, although not far enough away to be out of view or sound range.*

Barbosa: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?

SHIT: S.H.I.T. is "cutting a promo." Telling the world in the idiom of other great champions how we will win the WZCW tag team titles at Lethal Lottery.

Barbosa: But that is not… that is looking too far… that is going beyond our primary goal.

*This more technological approach seems to get SHIT's attention.*

Barbosa: The tag titles are in the future. The Lethal Lottery is in the future. Right now, in the run up to Ascension, there is only revenge. Nothing else is important. Nothing else matters. The Empire have wronged us in the past. We did not dole out an effective enough lesson at Unscripted so they continued to wrong us. Now, while we have the opportunity to finish what they started and this time, we must take that chance. Rambling on about other moronic tag teams and belts is not going to serve us well here.

*The manbot appears somewhat confused and conflicted by this more articulate Smoker and his message.*

SHIT: But S.H.I.T. has been learning from the Barbosas that one must be more than a mindless automaton to succeed.

Barbosa: Being more than that does not mean SHIT should forget about its original programming… especially when destructive revenge is in the offing.

*SHIT visibly cocks its head to the side in a further show of confusion.*

Barbosa: What is SHIT's original programming?

*The manbot takes in this question and filtering through all the personality subroutines that have been added to it in the previous months begins to calculate a response, although when it finally comes, even in SHIT's metallic voice, it does sound somehow less than convinced.*

SHIT: S.H.I.T. exists only to destroy?

Barbosa: Exactly. Just like we did to each other at Unscripted. Now, louder!

SHIT: S.H.I.T. exists only to destroy!

Barbosa: Louder!

SHIT: S.H.I.T. EXISTS ONLY TO DESTROY!

*With that, Barbosa pats SHIT on the back and both turn back towards Stacey and the camera to continue the interview.*

Barbosa: Bowen and Cooper, do you see how wound up you have gotten us? Even the robot here is starting to lose it just thinking about what it is going to do to the pair of you come Ascension.

Twice we have squared off and twice we have been victorious. But instead of taking those defeats as evidence that you should move on to pastures new, you decided to repeatedly stick your nose in our business. Just because we were tolerant of your continued existence, you decided that we were weak.

Because of that arrogance and stupidity, you have gotten our full attention.

SHIT: S.H.I.T. EXISTS ONLY TO DESTROY!

Barbosa: Stacey, you wanted to know why two competitors who usually shy away from publicity are now here in the full view of the WZCW public?

We are here to do one thing and one thing only - not to talk about Action Saxton and Sabotuer, or about Bearded Gents and the WZCW Tag Team Titles or even the Lethal Lottery itself. We are here before the world to serve notice to Justin Cooper and Alex Bowen, and even King Constantine if he feels so inclined as to get involved. To remind them that we have not forgotten Unscripted. We have not forgotten our underwhelming victory at All or Nothing.

We have not forgotten. And after Ascension, neither will you. Tell them one last time, cardboard box!

SHIT: S.H.I.T. EXISTS ONLY TO DESTROY!