Ladies and gentlemen says the voice, the Brooklyn accent only slightly evident. Please welcome the American Hero, Mr. M.S.G., Brooklyns Favourite Son... ACE STEVENS!
*
The previously silent arena fills with a cacophonous mixture of jeers and music as Bruce Springsteens Born In The U.S.A. plays loudly through the P.A. system. Amidst it all stands the Mayhem Champion, Ace Stevens. Back turned to the assembled crowd and fist-pumping defiantly to the beat of the song, Ace is trying his hardest to be the superstar he always dreamed of being.
*
The music continues as he makes his way down the aisle. The crowd are still showing their disapproval vocally as Stevens combs his hair and adjust his leather jacket in the most overtly conceited manner possible. As he approaches the ring he demands that the nearest WZCW official give him a live microphone. The gentleman duly obliges, and Ace enters the ring to address perhaps the most hostile crowd he has ever faced.
*
On the forty-ninth edition of Ascension, I shocked the world. Well, maybe not the world but I shocked Stevenson Marquel, thats for sure. I then proceed to shock Jason Armstrong. And by shock I now mean beat with a metal pipe. You guys get that, right? When, and only when I had got the job done, did I waltz to the side of the ring and grab this: my old friend.
*
Stevens holds up the microphone to his face, an expression almost approaching admiration comes across his face.
*
I put this microphone to my lips and with every word dripping with truth, I pleaded for better competition. I pleaded that the powers that be give me a real challenge. Theres only so long I can routinely beat phony-ass gangsters.
*
The crowd boos loudly in the wake of this disparaging, arrogant remark against the fan favourite, Stevenson Marquel.
*
For the next few days after Ascension, I felt like the guys running the show were on my wavelength I thought they were really going to give me a challenge. The great Ty Burna even contacted me personally, telling me that I he had a special opponent for the greatest Mayhem champion that ever lived, A.K.A. me.
*
And so this week, on Ascension, I am pleased to announce that I will face... Steamboat Ricky?
*
Ace lets out a long, exaggerated sigh.
*
Really, guys? Thats who youre going with? he asks, while looking towards the stage, and by extension, the backstage area.
*
Give me Barbosa. Give me Holmes. Give me anyone but a fat-ass pirate with understanding of personal hygene. The guy sweats scurvy.
*
Stevens readjusts his hair after his small outburst, and returns to a more palatable tone of voice as he gently rest his arm on the microphone stand next to him.
*
Yknow, its funny because I bet youre all thinking the same thing. Oh, I bet Ace doesnt know the Ricky was the first Mayhem champion... I bet he doesnt know Ricky loves hardcore wrestling, etc, etc, but I do. I know that he was the first guy to hold this. But its kinda ironic. Cause Im gonna be the last guy to hold it. Ya see, THIS IS MINE FOREVER! No one can take this away from me, and no one will...
*
*
[YOUTUBE]B7sHLjI1sQE [/YOUTUBE]
*
The crowd erupts as the pirate-flavoured heavy metal track bursts out of the arenas speakers. Steamboat Ricky is here!
*
Or is he? The crowd reaction decreases considerably as it becomes clear that this has been a set-up by the Mayhem Champion. This reduction in cheers gradually turns into boos as a rather obese man in a pirate costume comes from behind the curtain and makes his way to the ring, mimicking Steamboat Ricky in the process. Ace is in fits of laughter now as the 'Imposter Ricky' enters the ring looking like the world's least convincing Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator.
"Steamboat Ricky! How wonderful to see you, bro!"
"Aaaarrrrr!" he says in his best attempt at a pirate impression.
"Yeah, yeah. So hey, are you looking forward to our match on Asenscion?"
"Aaaarrrrr!"
*
*"Right. Okay. Um... are you scared that I'm going to beat you down so hard that you turn into a real life skull and crossbones?"
"Aaaarrrrr!" he once again replies, with the same enthusiasm and misplaced optimism as the prior responses.
"Okay, and this is my final question: am I the greatest Mayhem Champion of all-time - suprassing you, Matt Tastic, Alex Bowen and, of course, 'Brooklyn's Favourite Scumbag' Stevenson Marquel?"
"AAAARRRRR!"
*
The final answer is delivered with more jubilance and enthusiasm than the previous ones, signifying the finale of that little segment.
However, Ace isnt quite done. As the fake Ricky prepares to leave, Stevens pulls him back.
"Not so fast, Ricky. One more thing..."
Catching the paid actor off-gurad, Stevens delivers an incredible slap to his large, sweaty face.
"Owww!"
*
Tears look about ready to start streaming down his face, and his large gut continues in its quest to burst out of his barely-authentic polyester tunic.
*
You said you wouldnt hit me! the fake Steamboat Ricky retorts quietly, in a pitiful attempt to stay in character as the man from Tortuga.
*
But now It appears as though the character of Ace Stevens dissipates slightly.
*
Sorry, man. Sorry. I got carried away... and Im... look, Im sorry. You can go. And Ill pay you double.
*
The portly pirate, satisfied with the apology, leaves the ring. But as he bends down to exit through the ropes, he is hit with a vicious knee to the head. The victim of Aces heinous actions falls to the outside floor with an incredible thud. So hopped on the adrenaline of knocking a relative strange unconscious, Ace returns to the microphone more vicious, urgent and biting in his delivery than before.
*
You see? You SEE?! They never see it coming. Never. And on Ascension, Im gonna beat up a pirate just like that pirate on live TV. Steamboat Ricky - just like that Steamboat Ricky - isn't going to know what's hit him. And the same damn thing goes whichever unfortunate son-of-a-bitch actually wins this number one contender "relay" match. If Stevenson Marquel wins, he will lose. If Jason Armstrong wins he will lose. And then there are some other people in that match, but I can't remeber their names. Come on. Who can? The fact remains that whoever wins, will be setting themselves up for a fall. Literally."
*
As Ace puts his microphone back on its stand, he wraps up his speech in a way only a stand-up comic can.
"Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an audience and I've been Ace Stevens: the eternal champion of Mayhem."
With a microphone in one hand and a championship belt in the other, Ace Stevens leaves, confident and content with a job well done.
