Signal Panic, Inc. Presents:
Action Saxton
In
Action Saxton: The Movie: The Movie!
Now I want to tell you a story about a friend I had
Hes a mean musucka and hes super bad!
So sit back in your couch and start relaxin
As I tell you the tale of Action Saxton!
Action Saxton chuckles to himself as his fist connects with the skull of a Puerto Rican ninja in a strange leather mask, sending him flying through a nearby brick wall. Action Saxton shakes the dust off of his fist before turning to his partner-in-beating-up-Puerto-Rican-ninjas, the incomparable Kung Fu Jones.
So sucka, you holding up all right?
Youre damn right Im holding up all right! exclaims Kung Fu Jones, effortlessly striking three ninjas with his patented Nunchuck Slap. This is just like the time you and I teamed up to take on The Man back in 83.
Damn, I cant believe you still remember that, says Action Saxton, wistfully sighing as he backhands a ninja so hard it breaks the sound barrier. I remember when the fiendish Dr. Page tried to control the world by putting mind control drugs in the worlds supply of burritos. That sucka went to every burrito factory in the universe in order to put the drugs in our delicious and cheesy Mexican entrées. All of them, except one.
Kung Fu Jones is juggling three ninjas in the air with the greatest of ease.
I remember that, he says. The burrito plant in Goofy Ridge, Illinois, the largest burrito manufacturing plant in the world.
Action Saxton nods as he throws a ninja into outer space. Kung Fu Jones continues.
We intercepted that jive-ass mother as he was heading for the top floor. We took him out and managed to find the anti-mind control drug that would serve as an antidote to the tainted burritos on his person. We went all over the world, pouring the antidote in every burrito ever made, until the world was safe again.
Action Saxton and Kung Fu Jones survey the carnage that they have created. The bodies of ninjas lay all across the floor. There are scuffmarks all over the nice tile, tainting the Renaissance-era look the building had going. Action Saxton shook his head. If there was one thing he hated, it was a group of ninjas ruining something beautiful. Whoever was behind all this would pay dearly.
The two badass brothers run up the steps of the clock tower as fast as they can. If there was one place an evil mastermind who formulated a plot to push Jupiter into the Great Wall of China using a potato clock and a very angry sentient lightbulb would be staying, it would be there. Up the steps they ran, farther and farther, faster and faster, until finally they reach the door at the top. With no hesitation, they sail through with matching jump-kicks, breaking the door into a million little pieces. Who they saw made Action Saxtons heart run cold.
Aw, HELL no.
Oh, hell YES! exclaims the man in the labcoat, clipboard in one hand and stethoscope in the other. It is I, fiendish Dr. Page, and you, Action Saxton, are about to fall to my nefarious combat skills!
Fiendish Dr. Page rushes forward. Action Saxton does as well, and so does Kung Fu Jones. Together, they clothesline Fiendish Dr. Page out of his boots.
Ouch! coughs Page. No matter. Lets see how you handle this!
He starts to recite a strange incantation the likes of which Action Saxton has never heard before. The sounds of letters and numbers reach his ears, but they mean nothing to him. Kung Fu Jones, on the other hand, collapses to the ground, writhing in pain.
Kung Fu Jones! yells Action Saxton, dropping to his knees to inspect his friend. Wake up, sucka, and tell me what hes done to you!
Kung Fu Jones coughs and blinks, before speaking up. His voice is weary.
Stop him, Action Saxton
Hes using
science
He resumes his convulsions. Action Saxton stands up, the fury of a thousand suns in his eye. He points at Dr. Page, who is still using science.
Listen up, sucka! Saxton barks. You can poison my burritos, you can try to ram Jupiter into the Earth, and you can scuff up a nice marble floor, but you cant escape my fists of rage! Your ass is going to be pounded into oblivion for what youve done to my friend!
Exciting funk music starts pumping in the background as Action Saxton leaps into the air with a cry and lands a massive kick on fiendish Dr. Pages chest. Page is knocked back by the sheer power of Action Saxtons kick, sending him flying backwards, through the glass of the clock tower face, and down, down, down
Action Saxton walks up to Kung Fu Jones, who by now is sitting up and massaging his head.
You doin all right, sucka?
Yeah, Im fine now, replies Kung Fu Jones. This makes how many times youve saved my ass?
Oh, about five hundred and sixty seven.
Well youve done it again, my man.
I know.
The two men stand side-by-side, gazing out at the landscape stretched in front of them through the face of the broken clock. Narration, provided by Action Saxton himself, plays over the scene.
So watch out, all you schemers and dreamers, because the sucka-slappin, heat-packin, man of the hour, full of badass power Action Saxton is coming to your town to throw down!
THE END
________________
Damn, I love that movie! exclaims Action Saxton from the comfort of his comfortable cream-colored couch, grown from the finest Bolognian couch plants, harvested directly from Tunisia and imported straight to your door. Im gonna have to watch that sucka again.
Action Saxton karate-chops his remote, and a message appears on the screen.
Were sorry!
ACTION SAXTON: THE MOVIE is no longer available to watch on Netflix.
WHAT?!
Action Saxton stands up, fists shaking. With Action Saxton: The Movie no longer available to watch, fewer people will be able to see it. It is the kind of movie everyone in the universe should see at least once in their lifetime, if not more. Without it, orphans will never grow up idolizing what is good and right in this world. Delinquents would never reform knowing that Action Saxton is out for them. Criminals would continue to perform criminal acts. The Great Wall of China would collapse. Terrible, awful things would happen if Action Saxton didnt do something about this unspeakable tragedy. A solitary tear rolls down his face at the thought of the possible consequences.
I dont know what kind of terrible, fiendish person would do such a thing, Action Saxton whispers, But Im just the man to prevent his evil plot from taking hold of this world.
________________
Armed with a collection of five-thousand, six-hundred and forty-two copies of Action Saxton: The Movie, Action Saxton sets to work. He jumps into his vintage 1960 Cadillac Coupe De Ville and prepares for a night on the town, on the city, on the country, on the world. His first stop is the place where these movies could make the most difference The orphanage. Orphans need a hero to look up to, and who better than that paragon of virtue, Action Saxton?
I need to see your orphans! says Action Saxton as he walks into the orphanage with purpose. The pretty secretary stares at him, lust in her eyes that could easily be misconstrued as boredom to the untrained viewer.
What do you need them for?
Now, miss, I have here a stack of movies that will change their sad little lives forever.
The secretary looks Action Saxton up and down, obviously pining for his soft touch at night.
OK, Ill let you see them.
She presses a button and a buzzer sounds. The wall behind her splits in two to reveal Orphans R Us, Americas number one supplier of orphans and orphan accessories. Action Saxton leaps over the counter with his stack of DVDs, ready to save lives.
Hey, orphans! he calls. Get your skinny fat asses over here!
A group of confused orphans do as theyre told. Action Saxton hands each of them a DVD.
Now listen up, suckas, this is Action Saxton: The Movie. You kids need a good role model in your lives, and as the strongest and baddest man in town I think I am perfect and would be honored to be your role model.
A child pipes up.
Action Saxton? I know you from the wrestling show on TV!
The other children agree in unison. Action Saxton smiles.
Thats nice, kids. Why am I your favorite wrestler?
Well, you were, but then you lost to Alex Bowen again!
The kids jeer. They can be so cruel.
What happened with you winning every championship in WZCW, Action Saxton? Why did you have to let us orphans down? Why, Action Saxton, WHY?
Action Saxtons eyes are wet with tears at the childs pleading cries. His fists clench.
No! he chokes. No, kids! I did not let you down! You see, when I said every championship, I did not mean the Mayhem Championship! Anyone just has to look at me to know that I am the baddest sucka in the whole damn company! I dont need a flimsy-ass belt to prove it!
The children look happier. Action Saxton pats the one who spoke up on the head.
But listen to this I promise Im going to win my next match. For you, for the orphans, and for everyone who ever believed in Action Saxton! But I can only do it if you take this free copy of Action Saxton: The Movie, and watch it.
The children cheer as Action Saxton hands out DVDs to everyone in the orphanage. With one final gesture, he marches on out of the orphanage in order to spread the gospel to the world.
________________
Twenty-five hours later, Action Saxton has done it. He has successfully delivered a copy of Action Saxton: The Movie to everyone in the world. He reclines in his vintage 1960 Cadillac Coupe De Ville, and sighs, thinking. Who could have done such a fiendish deed as removing access to the film from those who wished to watch it instantly? Surely only a man so devilish and evil he wanted to taint the orphans. But who could it be?
Suddenly, Action Saxton notices a little slip of paper on his dashboard. He picks it up and begins to read.
Mr. Saxton,
You know who I am. If you want to fight me, meet me at the place you know, at a time you will figure out. Im sure you can do it.
Action Saxton sits up straight in his car, his breathing heavy as the realization hits him like a bolt from the blue. He knows who sent the note. He knows why. And hes going to go and kick his ass.
His foot hits the gas pedal, and Action Saxton speeds off into the night.
Who was it? How can they be stopped? Why did they do it? Find out all this and more in Action Saxton: The Movie 2 Badass Boogaloo!