AS28: Action Saxton vs. Johnny Sherman
- Thread starter Phoenix
- Start date
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Signal Panic Inc. Productions Presents:
Action Saxton
in
”Flight...of Fear!!”
This promo is dedicated to all the Brothers and Sisters who had enough of The Plane.
The sky is once again a shade of clear blue, with nary a cloud in the sky. A serene quiet has settled over the scene, with a light breeze blowing and only a single bird breaking the quiet with a lonely song.
Suddenly, the quiet breeze is replaced by a dull roar in the distance. Louder and louder it gets, slowly coming closer and closer, until it's loud enough to shatter an eardrum. With a screaming roar, a large white airplane zooms past the camera, causing it to shake violently. The camera starts to follow it for a few seconds before it cuts to a shot of the large plush seats at the front of the aircraft. Men and women alike are sitting in them, talking, listening to their portable music-playing devices, or reading.
The camera pans down the plane, to Business class. The seats are smaller here, and the people sitting in them are slightly less contented. Some are shifting around slightly, staring out the window. Others are flipping slowly through the magazines full of technological innovations that cost far too much and always break days after purchase.
Finally, we come to Economy class. The seats are small and close together, the people are disheveled and grumpy. The blankets and pillows are paper-thin and wouldn't give an ant comfort. There is a distinct sense of unrest over the silence of people resolutely not talking to each other.
Slowly, the camera pans all the way to the back, where it settles on none other than Action Saxton, looking very cramped in a seat about three sizes two small for his manly and muscular frame. Luckily he is sitting alone, though in a single center seat, directly in front of the kitchens. Lucky for the other passengers, that is, because no one wants to be left alone with a chained Saxton. He's a bad muthasucka who doesn't take no sh–
“Excuse me?”
Action Saxton looks up, a glare on his face. The cute stewardess fails to immediately start copulating with Saxton.
“Yes, what would you like to drink?”
Action Saxton thinks for a second before answering.
“I'll just take some water.” he replies.
The waitress seems impressed at Action Saxton's self-control and respect for his health and body. As she pours Action Saxton a plastic cup of the icy liquid, the Baaaaad Boss grumbles and shifts in his miniscule chair. The waitress hands the drink over along with a complementary bag of pretzels and a distinct lack of complementary oral sex.
“Thank you, miss,” says Action Saxton. “Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I attended a biker rally, and– ”
“Excuse me, sir, but I have people I need to serve,” interrupts the waitress, pushing her cart forward. She manages to not give in to carnal desire as Action Saxton stares after her.
There is a loud dinging noise from the airplane's speaker system.
“The captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign,” says a voice from above. There is a mass rumbling, clicking, and groaning and people in Economy class unbuckle their seatbelts, stretch, and stand up, Action Saxton among them.
Action Saxton steps into the aisle, looking to stretch his legs. Suddenly, there is a low rumbling from one end of the cabin. Action Saxton springs into an asskicking pose, looking around for the source of the noise. He glances over both shoulders, before turning back forward just in time to nimbly dive out of the way of the stampede of people with small bladders. The passengers rush forward, forming a confusing mass of humanity fighting over who gets to use the plane's small toilet first.
Like the hero he is, Action Saxton tucks into a ball and rolls through to the other aisle with nary a scratch. He straightens himself up, dusts his powder blue suit jacket off, straightens his gold chain, and looks as fresh as the day is long. The few passengers still in their chairs look highly impressed with Action Saxton's reflexes and flexibility, along with his skill at looking unruffled in the face of certain death.
“Damn, my man, you haven't lost a step.”
Action Saxton looks around for the source of the new voice, his eyes settling on a large black man sitting in a window seat. He's not as large as Action Saxton, or as manly, but he is definitely a jive soul bro. Action Saxton's face cracks into a smile of recognition, something that is sure to impress any women around, because women love stories about old friends being reunited.
“Kung Fu Jones, my soul brother from another mother!” Action Saxton chuckles. “I haven't seen you since we used to clean up the streets together!”
Kung Fu Jones stands up, and the two men embrace in a completely heterosexual and masculine manner. All the women waiting in line for the bathroom momentarily forget their full bladders and breathe an internal sigh at how touching and heartwarming the scene is.
“It sure has been a long time,” Kung Fu Jones says, smiling. “Remember that time we took down Feathers McGraw's entire counterfeiting operation together?”
“Fool, I remember it like it was yesterday. He was sending out his grenade-launching ninjas and we just dealt with those suckas like they were paper. I'll never forget the face of the one we roundhouse kicked at the same time. That mutha was the first ninja in space.”
Kung Fu Jones smiles as he reminisces with Action Saxton.
“Good times, brother, good times. So why are you on this flight?”
“Haven't you heard? I was hired by WZCW, and I'm flying out to their next show!”
Kung Fu Jones whistles, impressed. “Looks like I'm going to have to start watching that stuff.”
Action Saxton nods. “You should support your old partner. If you don't, I'll stick your head so far up your ass, you'll have to reach up to tie your shoes.”
Kung Fu Jones and Action Saxton glare at each other, causing a very tense moment in which the entire universe seemed to stand still. It is broken when both men point at each other with confidence and start laughing.
“I'll see you later, Action,” says Kung Fu Jones, grinning. “Maybe one day we can go on another mission together.”
----
Action Saxton makes his way back to his near-microscopic chair, settling down as well as he can, thinking. The crowd around the bathrooms have dispersed with the exception of one or two people milling around the doors.
The plane's intercom system clicks on. However, the voice is not of the captain, or a flight attendant. It is someone new.
“Hola, señors and señoritas! I am your captain now!” cackles the voice.
The passengers on the plane gasp. Some start praying. Some start crying. One orders a watch from the magazine full of technological innovations. And one stands up like the beacon of hope he is. Action Saxton steps out of the puny seat, steps into the aisle, and stares at the front of the cabin. The new voice continues.
“Passengers! I am here for one man, and for one man only! And that man is...
...Señor Action Saxton!!”
Everyone in Economy class turns to face the famous and popular war hero. He remains standing tall, ready to serve as an inspiration for years to come. He puts a foot forward, and speaks to the anonymous new man.
“Listen up, sucka!” he calls. “If you want to take me out, come and face me like a man!”
The intercom is silent for a few seconds. Finally, the voice speaks.
“Very well.”
Action Saxton springs into a stance that readies himself for combat. He waits.
He waits.
They all wait.
The sound of footsteps are coming from the front of plane. The anonymous captain draws closer and closer. Finally, the footsteps stop in front of the curtain leading to Economy class. There is a pause, and suddenly the curtain is ripped open, and the anonymous hijacker is revealed.
He is a tall man, approximately 6'1”, but of course that's nothing to Action Saxton. What little can be seen of his skin under his suit and robber's ski mask is a rich caramel color. He steps toward Action Saxton, pointing at him.
“Well, well, well,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “Señor Saxton, we meet again.”
Action Saxton looks back, uncomprehending. The man's pride drops slightly.
“It is I! A figure from your past!” he exclaims.
Action Saxton continues to look at the masked man, confused.
“Popular Latin singer Ricky Martin?”
“No!”
“Amusing comedian with his own sitcom George Lopez?” a passenger pipes up.
“No!” exclaims the figure from Action Saxton's past, getting agitated.
“Armando Paradyse?” asks a stewardess.
“I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!!” roars the hijacker, and he reaches up and rips his ski mask off. Action Saxton gasps and steps backwards at the sight of the man's masked face.
“Mexican ninja El Habanero?!”
El Habanero laughs under his ninja mask.
“That's right! You thought I was dead, but you were wrong! You've made it all this way here, and now you're going to die here!”
El Habanero snaps his fingers. Action Saxton looks around, trying to figure out what's going to happen. Suddenly, he is ambushed from behind! The people who were standing around the bathrooms after everyone had gone to their seats were ninjas in disguise! Action Saxton fights bravely, but the sneak attack is just too much for the masterpiece of manliness. Action Saxton is being beaten down, his vision is fading. Not this way, he thinks. I never even learned to play the bagpipes!
Suddenly, the darkness lifts! The ninja that had Action Saxton in a stranglehold has been ripped away. Action Saxton looks up to see who his helper is.
Why, it's none other than Kung Fu Jones! Kung Fu Jones is surrounded by the bodies of disguised ninjas, and is currently throttling one as El Habanero looks on in shock. Kung Fu Jones dumps the ninja across the aisle, and holds out a hand to his old partner in asskicking. Action Saxton smiles, and takes the hand. The two stand side-by-side, brothers in arms, staring down El Habanero.
“Erm...I think I left my oven on...” says the Mexican ninja, before turning tail and running for the plane door.
The Baadasssss Brothers are having none of that, and they run after him, as fast as they can considering the limited space they have. However, it's not fast enough.
“Hahaaaa!” cackles El Habanero, standing next to the open plane door with parachute in hand. “Adios, amigos! I'll see you again one day!”
And he jumps, plummeting down, down, down, his parachute opening as he drifts to the Earth.
“Awww, HELL no!”
----
The plane has landed at the airport safely. The passengers are unharmed, but shaken. Action Saxton and Kung Fu Jones are walking outside the airport, conversing and reminiscing about old times. Eventually, they reach Action Saxton's styling car, and slowly stop.
“That wasn't the first time I saved your life, brother.” says Kung Fu Jones.
Action Saxton chuckles, though there is a slight edge to his voice. “Yeah, well, sucka, it will certainly be the last. I could have taken those ninjas any day of the week if they hadn't snuck up on me like that."
There is a pause.
“...But still, thank you.”
“Consider it payment for that time in Cancun.”
Action Saxton and Kung Fu Jones fistbump.
“Solid.”
Action Saxton gets in his car and revs it up. He holds up a fist to Kung Fu Jones, and Kung Fu Jones holds up a fist back. And Action Saxton tears off, into the sunset.
Watch Out! A baad asssss mothasucka is coming back to collect some dues...
Action Saxton
in
”Flight...of Fear!!”
This promo is dedicated to all the Brothers and Sisters who had enough of The Plane.
The sky is once again a shade of clear blue, with nary a cloud in the sky. A serene quiet has settled over the scene, with a light breeze blowing and only a single bird breaking the quiet with a lonely song.
Suddenly, the quiet breeze is replaced by a dull roar in the distance. Louder and louder it gets, slowly coming closer and closer, until it's loud enough to shatter an eardrum. With a screaming roar, a large white airplane zooms past the camera, causing it to shake violently. The camera starts to follow it for a few seconds before it cuts to a shot of the large plush seats at the front of the aircraft. Men and women alike are sitting in them, talking, listening to their portable music-playing devices, or reading.
The camera pans down the plane, to Business class. The seats are smaller here, and the people sitting in them are slightly less contented. Some are shifting around slightly, staring out the window. Others are flipping slowly through the magazines full of technological innovations that cost far too much and always break days after purchase.
Finally, we come to Economy class. The seats are small and close together, the people are disheveled and grumpy. The blankets and pillows are paper-thin and wouldn't give an ant comfort. There is a distinct sense of unrest over the silence of people resolutely not talking to each other.
Slowly, the camera pans all the way to the back, where it settles on none other than Action Saxton, looking very cramped in a seat about three sizes two small for his manly and muscular frame. Luckily he is sitting alone, though in a single center seat, directly in front of the kitchens. Lucky for the other passengers, that is, because no one wants to be left alone with a chained Saxton. He's a bad muthasucka who doesn't take no sh–
“Excuse me?”
Action Saxton looks up, a glare on his face. The cute stewardess fails to immediately start copulating with Saxton.
“Yes, what would you like to drink?”
Action Saxton thinks for a second before answering.
“I'll just take some water.” he replies.
The waitress seems impressed at Action Saxton's self-control and respect for his health and body. As she pours Action Saxton a plastic cup of the icy liquid, the Baaaaad Boss grumbles and shifts in his miniscule chair. The waitress hands the drink over along with a complementary bag of pretzels and a distinct lack of complementary oral sex.
“Thank you, miss,” says Action Saxton. “Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I attended a biker rally, and– ”
“Excuse me, sir, but I have people I need to serve,” interrupts the waitress, pushing her cart forward. She manages to not give in to carnal desire as Action Saxton stares after her.
There is a loud dinging noise from the airplane's speaker system.
“The captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign,” says a voice from above. There is a mass rumbling, clicking, and groaning and people in Economy class unbuckle their seatbelts, stretch, and stand up, Action Saxton among them.
Action Saxton steps into the aisle, looking to stretch his legs. Suddenly, there is a low rumbling from one end of the cabin. Action Saxton springs into an asskicking pose, looking around for the source of the noise. He glances over both shoulders, before turning back forward just in time to nimbly dive out of the way of the stampede of people with small bladders. The passengers rush forward, forming a confusing mass of humanity fighting over who gets to use the plane's small toilet first.
Like the hero he is, Action Saxton tucks into a ball and rolls through to the other aisle with nary a scratch. He straightens himself up, dusts his powder blue suit jacket off, straightens his gold chain, and looks as fresh as the day is long. The few passengers still in their chairs look highly impressed with Action Saxton's reflexes and flexibility, along with his skill at looking unruffled in the face of certain death.
“Damn, my man, you haven't lost a step.”
Action Saxton looks around for the source of the new voice, his eyes settling on a large black man sitting in a window seat. He's not as large as Action Saxton, or as manly, but he is definitely a jive soul bro. Action Saxton's face cracks into a smile of recognition, something that is sure to impress any women around, because women love stories about old friends being reunited.
“Kung Fu Jones, my soul brother from another mother!” Action Saxton chuckles. “I haven't seen you since we used to clean up the streets together!”
Kung Fu Jones stands up, and the two men embrace in a completely heterosexual and masculine manner. All the women waiting in line for the bathroom momentarily forget their full bladders and breathe an internal sigh at how touching and heartwarming the scene is.
“It sure has been a long time,” Kung Fu Jones says, smiling. “Remember that time we took down Feathers McGraw's entire counterfeiting operation together?”
“Fool, I remember it like it was yesterday. He was sending out his grenade-launching ninjas and we just dealt with those suckas like they were paper. I'll never forget the face of the one we roundhouse kicked at the same time. That mutha was the first ninja in space.”
Kung Fu Jones smiles as he reminisces with Action Saxton.
“Good times, brother, good times. So why are you on this flight?”
“Haven't you heard? I was hired by WZCW, and I'm flying out to their next show!”
Kung Fu Jones whistles, impressed. “Looks like I'm going to have to start watching that stuff.”
Action Saxton nods. “You should support your old partner. If you don't, I'll stick your head so far up your ass, you'll have to reach up to tie your shoes.”
Kung Fu Jones and Action Saxton glare at each other, causing a very tense moment in which the entire universe seemed to stand still. It is broken when both men point at each other with confidence and start laughing.
“I'll see you later, Action,” says Kung Fu Jones, grinning. “Maybe one day we can go on another mission together.”
----
Action Saxton makes his way back to his near-microscopic chair, settling down as well as he can, thinking. The crowd around the bathrooms have dispersed with the exception of one or two people milling around the doors.
The plane's intercom system clicks on. However, the voice is not of the captain, or a flight attendant. It is someone new.
“Hola, señors and señoritas! I am your captain now!” cackles the voice.
The passengers on the plane gasp. Some start praying. Some start crying. One orders a watch from the magazine full of technological innovations. And one stands up like the beacon of hope he is. Action Saxton steps out of the puny seat, steps into the aisle, and stares at the front of the cabin. The new voice continues.
“Passengers! I am here for one man, and for one man only! And that man is...
...Señor Action Saxton!!”
Everyone in Economy class turns to face the famous and popular war hero. He remains standing tall, ready to serve as an inspiration for years to come. He puts a foot forward, and speaks to the anonymous new man.
“Listen up, sucka!” he calls. “If you want to take me out, come and face me like a man!”
The intercom is silent for a few seconds. Finally, the voice speaks.
“Very well.”
Action Saxton springs into a stance that readies himself for combat. He waits.
He waits.
They all wait.
The sound of footsteps are coming from the front of plane. The anonymous captain draws closer and closer. Finally, the footsteps stop in front of the curtain leading to Economy class. There is a pause, and suddenly the curtain is ripped open, and the anonymous hijacker is revealed.
He is a tall man, approximately 6'1”, but of course that's nothing to Action Saxton. What little can be seen of his skin under his suit and robber's ski mask is a rich caramel color. He steps toward Action Saxton, pointing at him.
“Well, well, well,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “Señor Saxton, we meet again.”
Action Saxton looks back, uncomprehending. The man's pride drops slightly.
“It is I! A figure from your past!” he exclaims.
Action Saxton continues to look at the masked man, confused.
“Popular Latin singer Ricky Martin?”
“No!”
“Amusing comedian with his own sitcom George Lopez?” a passenger pipes up.
“No!” exclaims the figure from Action Saxton's past, getting agitated.
“Armando Paradyse?” asks a stewardess.
“I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!!” roars the hijacker, and he reaches up and rips his ski mask off. Action Saxton gasps and steps backwards at the sight of the man's masked face.
“Mexican ninja El Habanero?!”
El Habanero laughs under his ninja mask.
“That's right! You thought I was dead, but you were wrong! You've made it all this way here, and now you're going to die here!”
El Habanero snaps his fingers. Action Saxton looks around, trying to figure out what's going to happen. Suddenly, he is ambushed from behind! The people who were standing around the bathrooms after everyone had gone to their seats were ninjas in disguise! Action Saxton fights bravely, but the sneak attack is just too much for the masterpiece of manliness. Action Saxton is being beaten down, his vision is fading. Not this way, he thinks. I never even learned to play the bagpipes!
Suddenly, the darkness lifts! The ninja that had Action Saxton in a stranglehold has been ripped away. Action Saxton looks up to see who his helper is.
Why, it's none other than Kung Fu Jones! Kung Fu Jones is surrounded by the bodies of disguised ninjas, and is currently throttling one as El Habanero looks on in shock. Kung Fu Jones dumps the ninja across the aisle, and holds out a hand to his old partner in asskicking. Action Saxton smiles, and takes the hand. The two stand side-by-side, brothers in arms, staring down El Habanero.
“Erm...I think I left my oven on...” says the Mexican ninja, before turning tail and running for the plane door.
The Baadasssss Brothers are having none of that, and they run after him, as fast as they can considering the limited space they have. However, it's not fast enough.
“Hahaaaa!” cackles El Habanero, standing next to the open plane door with parachute in hand. “Adios, amigos! I'll see you again one day!”
And he jumps, plummeting down, down, down, his parachute opening as he drifts to the Earth.
“Awww, HELL no!”
----
The plane has landed at the airport safely. The passengers are unharmed, but shaken. Action Saxton and Kung Fu Jones are walking outside the airport, conversing and reminiscing about old times. Eventually, they reach Action Saxton's styling car, and slowly stop.
“That wasn't the first time I saved your life, brother.” says Kung Fu Jones.
Action Saxton chuckles, though there is a slight edge to his voice. “Yeah, well, sucka, it will certainly be the last. I could have taken those ninjas any day of the week if they hadn't snuck up on me like that."
There is a pause.
“...But still, thank you.”
“Consider it payment for that time in Cancun.”
Action Saxton and Kung Fu Jones fistbump.
“Solid.”
Action Saxton gets in his car and revs it up. He holds up a fist to Kung Fu Jones, and Kung Fu Jones holds up a fist back. And Action Saxton tears off, into the sunset.
Watch Out! A baad asssss mothasucka is coming back to collect some dues...
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