Passing through the set of double doors that mark the entrance to the University of Albertas psychology department, Hunter Kravinoff looks attentively at the names on the door of each office he passes. On his way through the short, weaving corridors which the department is comprised of, he passes several open doors through which mundane psychological experiments are seemingly taking place: A group of kids in their early 20s are filling out questionnaires, another couple students are on computers completing the Stroop color word test, and a third group (which oddly includes Tucker Graham) is eating delicious peach yogurt. Kravinoff eventually halts with a satisfied look on his face as he reaches an office labelled Dr. P. Toole. Giddy with anticipation, the Ugandan Wild Man makes sure his suit is sitting right, adjusts his tie, and knocks on the door. After a brief moment, a feeble looking old man with overlong hair, a bushy moustache, and an awkward looking pot belly answers. Kravinoff extends his hand and the old man clasps it warmly.
Thanks for meeting with me, Dr. Toole. Im--
--Youre the young wrestler who emailed me, I know.
Kravinoff beams at the recognition of the man who stands in front of him as Dr. Toole nonchalantly paces back into his office, heads behind the crowded desk and gestures for Kravinoff to take a seat on the opposite side of it.
Feel free to call me Plot.
The glee of the Ugandan Wild Man grows as he hears this invitation to address the doctor in such a casual manner, but Dr. Plot Toole remains expressionless.
Sure thing, Plot.
Kravinoff gives his widest smile as Toole ignores him and flips through some notes on his desk.
Mr. Kravinoff, while Im not exactly versed in the intricacies of your sport, I have done a little bit of research since I received your email so I could gain a better understanding of what exactly it is you want from me.
The Classical Freudian Crusader nods and listens attentively as Toole looks up from the notes on his desk and meets Kravinoffs eyes.
Am I correct in assuming youre here to develop a greater understanding of Freuds views?
The man from the jungle looks taken aback by this suggestion, mildly offended even.
Excuse me?
Remaining calm, Dr. Plot Toole explains his point of view.
Some of the rhetoric youve espoused about bringing the darkness out in yourself and others is very anti-social talk and, frankly, Freud didnt support such sentiment in spite of how negative his world view was. Sure, breaking down barriers has therapeutic value, but Freud wouldnt recommend shedding all that we know as society in favor of embracing our primal selves. Its this sort of suggestion by you over the last couple weeks that makes me think youve either misunderstood Freud or you havent really read him to begin with.
Kravinoff considers this for a moment before repeating his sentiment from earlier more strongly.
Excuse me?!
Dr. Toole is unfazed by the change in Kravinoffs tone.
Is that not what you came here for?
No. No, its not.
Well then, lets hear what you want.
Kravinoff pauses for a moment to better appreciate the elderly man on the other side of the desk who seems intent on disrespecting him.
Im here to gain the support of a prominent member of the academic community for my pro-Freud/anti-science campaign.
For the first time, Dr. Tooles expression changes to that of a man attempting to hold back laughter.
And why would I want to do that?
Kravinoff extends his arms and shrugs as though to say its obvious.
Isnt it obvious?
Toole shakes his head.
Im on a roll. Im bringing anti-scientific sentiment and belief in the legitimacy of Freuds views back to the mainstream for the first time in decades. Every win takes me higher up the ladder and gives this sentiment a greater platform. After my win over Big Dave, what better time is there to jump on the bandwagon? I reckon you should jump on before I win the Lethal Lottery as its sure to be full by then.
After hearing this, Dr. Toole cant restain himself from letting out a bellowing laugh.
Oh, Mr. Kravinoff, youre quite the character. Quite the character indeed.
Is that to say that you dont want to jump on the bandwagon?
Correct.
Kravinoff seems perturbed by this.
Why?
Well, for one, Ive worked hard for decades to make myself a respectable member of the scientific community. Even if there are grumbles that the methods of this community arent perfect, they're the best we've got, and rejecting them for a flavor of the month meathead is a great way to ruin my reputation. As such, no respectable expect on psychology would be caught dead on your bandwagon.
Second of all, even if, for the sake of argument, jumping into bed with celebrities was considered a legitimate way to conduct academic arguments, why would I invest in you?
Kravinoff looks befuddled.
I dont understand the question.
Why would I want to attach myself to the coattails of a man who has two wellness policy violations to his name this year and has shown himself to be completely unreliable?
Because no matter what the company does to keep me down, I really am the best in the world.
Be that as it may, its hard to put faith in someone who cant stay around long enough to do anything of note. Any chance of you staying around for the span of two pay per view builds this time?
Ill call you the day after Kingdom Come with the answer to that question. Heck, Im more than willing to come back here and set the World Heavyweight Championship on your desk as proof that Im the real deal.
Toole chuckles as Kravinoff seems pleased with himself.
That would certainly be redemption for you after a rocky start in this company, wouldnt it?
You have no idea.
Even so, I still dont think youre the man for Freudians to put their faith in.
The look of pleasure on Kravinoffs face dissipates once again and is replaced by one of frustration.
Why is that?
Because you arent the greatest representation of Freuds views in WZCW. A man like Tucker Graham, who satisfies his id by partying heartily but keeps his darkest impulses in check, is the kind of guy who Freudians might like. Heck, your ex tag team partner, Wasabi Toyota, would be a big hit with Freudians. Clearly he has a dark side but hes able to regulate it through guilt and funnel his efforts towards pro-social ends.
Kravinoff looks positively appauled by this notion.
Toyota?! You think Wasabi Toyota is a better representation of Freuds theories than I am?!
Undoubtably.
Well I think its you who misunderstands Freuds views!
Kravinoffs malice is clear but Toole remains unfazed.
How is that?
Is it not highly pro-social to embrace honesty? From what Ive seen, everybody seems to be a fan of honesty. And nobody is more honest than me, meaning Im both pro-social and in touch with my id. Wasabi Toyota, on the other hand, cant touch me when it comes to embodying the ideas of Freud because he cant even be honest with himself regarding how much he really just enjoys hurting people! No way hes a better poster boy for Freudian thought than I am!
Dr. Plot Toole shakes his head disapprovingly.
Good grief.
Shake your head while you can, doctor, because the Hunter Kravinoff train isnt stopping anytime soon. You should watch Ascension this week, because Im going to be giving you and everyone else yet another reason to believe in me and the power that Freud has given me!
More headshaking ensues from the good doctor as Kravinoff grows more incensed.
I dont know about that. My research says your opponent this week is extremely credible. You think a multi-layered fraud like you has a chance against a guy as legitimate as Austin Reynolds?
Why wouldnt I? I can see straight through Austin Reynolds, and I see nothing that would make me second guess myself.
Just like Big Dave last week, I see a man who would rather lie to himself about distractions costing him big matches than admit to himself that hes not good enough to survive on the top tier. I see a man whos too preoccupied with retaining the support of his loyal fans and garnering ratings to embrace his dark side or do anything which borders on instinctual, honest, or natural. Every move the man makes is calculated towards the end of brainwashing sheep into thinking hes exciting and worth tuning into see. Hes manufactured, phoney. The man is pure Hollywood. Sure, the lighting is good and the make-up covers his blemishes, but that realm has covered his shadow self and sucked him of all substance. Hes so concerned with ratings that hes neglected the side of himself that hes going to need to call on to defeat a man like me, and when he attempts to go to that dark place on Ascension, hell find its atrophied.
Kravinoff takes an angry breath and, in classic Kravinoff faction, soaks in the impact of his diatribe.
Well see.
I hope you do see because when I show WZCW management that a man of Mother Nature like myself can rake in ratings the likes of which Austin Reynolds can only dream of, theyll push me harder than Shark Week, which I coincidently appeared on once.
Toole rolls his eyes sceptically.
Yeah, sure.
Have you heard the rumor that Austin Reynolds is only a draw because he politics for timeslots on the hour and half-hour?
I hadnt. Im not sure what you think Ill do with that information either.
Kravinoff, growing calm because he's now controlling the conversation, playfully presses on.
Just thought youd like to know that hes the companys man. People didnt choose to believe in him, the company did. Hes a production. You think someone as fragile and manufactured as that has a chance against someone as real as me?
Toole stands to motion Kravinoff towards the door.
I guess well find out on Ascension this week.
I guess we will.
They shake hands briefly, Hunter far less enthusiastic than he was when he entered the office. As Kravinoff leaves, Dr. Plot Toole stares at him for a moment wondering whether hes just heard the words of an honest man, the excessive lies of a fiend, or the delusions of a madman.
