Saboteurs beat up 84 Volvo 700 comes to a halt in front of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Catholic Church, the brakes screeching like a banshee as he comes to a complete stop. The car lets out one last puff of thick black gas as Saboteur turns off the motor, and steps out of his vehicle. He walks to the back, pops the trunk and starts rifling through the obscene amount of obscene possession he stores there. Only Saboteurs flailing arms can be seen as he digs through what he affectionately calls his, worthless crap.
Saboteur: Try and rub me out, eh Whoopi? Have Holmes and Celeste soften me up with a 2 on 1 ambush to make your job easier, will you? Well, Im not one to just roll over, even for world famous comedians. Its about time that I teach you that you do not mess with Saboteur!
Saboteur closes the trunk, revealing that he has changed into a nuns habit and that he is now carrying a shotgun.
Saboteur: Its time for Sister Act 3 (Saboteur pumps the shotgun): Book of Revelation.
Saboteur Vol. 12 Ep. 2: A New Ally
Saboteur walks up to the front door of the church where an elderly nun greets him. She smiles at Saboteur as he approaches.
Saboteur: Hey sister, Im looking for Sister Mary Clarence.
Mother Susan: Actually, I'm Mother Susan, and Im sorry dear, but I dont believe there is a Sister Mary Clarence at this church.
Saboteur: Oh come on, Sister Mary Clarence? Shes black, got dreadlocks, looks a lot like Whoopi Goldberg
Mother Susan: Hmm its not ringing any bells. May I ask who you are, though? I dont believe I recognize you.
Saboteur: Oh, Im
Sister Mary-Katherine Gilligan-McShane
MacDonald.
Mother Susan: Oh of course! Sister Mary-Katherine Gilligan McShane McDonald! Weve been expecting you! Youre the new Sunday school teacher, yes?
Saboteur: Yeah I can teach about Sundays, Tuesdays, Fridays
Im pretty much an expert on any day of the week.
Mother Susan: Well you better get going, class started five minutes ago!
Saboteur: Oh alright, Ill go, but when I come back I expect you to help me find Whoopi.
Saboteur starts to walk into the church but is stopped by Mother Susan's outstretched arm.
Mother Susan: Ah-ah-ah Sister Mary-Katherine, remember: Jesus leaves his firearms at the door!
Saboteur slumps over disappointedly as he relinquishes his shotgun to Mother Susan. She throws it into a box sitting next to her filled with a couple rifles and a dozen or so handguns. Saboteur marches into Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow and heads down a long hall. He passes the chapel where Sunday morning services are underway, instead goes into a room with a paper sign on it that reads Sunday School hanging on the door.
Saboteur enters the classroom to find a swarm of well-dressed but misbehaved children running about, talking loudly, and not reading the Bible.
Saboteur: Okay you runts, quiet down!
The children ignore Saboteur and continue with their idol conversations about video games and cartoons and cute boys and soccer practice. Saboteur does not appreciate their insolence, so he uses his professional wrestling knowledge to get the class attention by playing his entrance music.
Saboteur: AWWWWW CANT STAND IT, IM ON YOUR PLANET, I JUST CANT ESCAPE THIS WATERGATE!
The kids all grab their ears in pain as Saboteur sings.
Kid 1: What the hell is that?
Saboteur: Thats one of the best songs written in the history of music kid, and dont you forget it. Now, I have a very important question for you kids
is there a nun here that has glasses, dreadlocks, and maybe taught all the other nuns to loosen up and sing and dance?
The class stares blankly at Saboteur.
Saboteur: Hmmm, not talking eh? What did she pay you for your silence? Ill double it if you talk! First person to tell me the location of Whoopi Goldberg gets
Saboteur reaches into his pocket and pulls out and opens his wallet.
Saboteur: Five bucks and a North Korean condom.
The class continues to stare blankly at Saboteur.
Saboteur: Fine, if youre going to be useless, then Im just going to take a nap until class is over, and then Ill get Mother Susan to help me. Be quiet, and wake me up when class is over.
Saboteur grabs a chair in the middle of some of the students and kicks his feet up on the table in front of him. A few second pass before a child tugs on his habit.
Kid 1: Hey mister are you a professional wrestler?
Saboteur: Uh, obviously, Im Sabo
I mean, no, Im Sister Mary-Katherine McGillicutty
or something. Now leave me alone, Im trying to nap.
A few more moments pass before another kid speaks up.
Kid 2: Um
shouldnt you be teaching us a bible story or something?
Saboteur: If I teach you a bible story will you shut up and leave me alone?
Class: Yes Sister Mary-Katherine.
Saboteur: Fine, take out your bibles and lets get to learning.
Saboteur walks to the front of the class and grabs a bible off of the front table. He flips through its pages, trying to find a story he recognizes.
Saboteur: Lets see
dont know this one
this one sounds boring
ah, here we go, the story of Daniel and the Lion! Okay, so heres what happened: Daniel was a shepherd with lots of sheep, but every now and then a hungry lion would come and eat some of his sheep. One day, Daniel got so fed up with the lion eating his sheep that he went to stop the lion, but instead the lion tried to eat him, so Daniel ran away. As the lion chased Daniel down, he stepped on a sharp rock and it got wedged into his paw and he started to cry. Now Daniel was a classy dude who cared about all animals, not just sheep, so he went to the lion and pulled the rock out of the lions paw. The lion was so grateful that he became Daniels pet and helped herd the sheep and fought off all the lions that tried to eat Daniels sheep. And they all lived happily ever after, the end. Good story right? Now whats the moral?
The class, once again, is left speechless.
Saboteur: Sheesh you guys are stupid. The moral of the story is: be nice to bullies because if you make friends with them then theyll beat up your enemies for you. Capisci?
Kid 2: Uh, I dont think thats right
Saboteur: All right hot shot, why dont you tell us what the moral is then?
Kid 2: No, I mean that whole story is wrong. What really happens is Daniel is thrown into a lions den by the Persian King for praying to God, but because he was a good servant of the lord God protected him from the lions and when Daniel got out, the people that had Daniel arrested in the first place were thrown in and eaten by the lions.
Saboteur: What? Thats the stupidest thing I ever
wait a second, go back a few sentences. Why didnt the lions eat Daniel?
Kid 2: Because he prayed to God and God protected him.
Saboteur: So let me get this straight: first God protected Daniel from the lions, and then when Daniel got out of the lions den God had Daniels enemies thrown in instead?
Kid 2: Yeah
I guess.
Saboteur: Hot diggity, this God fella sounds like the perfect replacement for Action Saxton! Do you guys have his contact info? Maybe a cell-phone number or an email address?
The class giggles at Saboteurs question.
Kid 1: No Sister Mary-Katherine, you have to pray to God!
Saboteur: Pray? How do I do that?
Kid 1: You have to go to church and say nice things about Him and then you can ask him to bless you and help you do stuff
and stuff.
Saboteur: Well in that case, class is dismissed. Ol Sister Mary whatever has some prayin to do!
The kids all enthusiastically jump out of their seats and run out of the classroom, happy to be out of Sunday School much earlier than they anticipated. Right behind the mob of children is Saboteur, excited to start praying as he makes his way to the chapel.
The chapel is empty as Saboteur arrives, and it seems as though Mass has ended. Saboteur does not seem to notice, or even care. Instead, he walks up to a statue of The Lady of Perpetual Sorrow near the front of the chapel. He looks up at it, crosses his heart, and bows his head.
Saboteur: Dear God, dont let the outfit fool you: its me, Saboteur. First off, Id just like to apologize for not having prayed for a while
or ever. My parents were not very religious, and your miraculous work has eluded me until I was told about it today by a ten year old. That thing you did with Daniel and the lions was pretty sweet, and I was wondering if you could help me out too?
Up until just recently I was part of the greatest tag team ever in the history of time. Me and my friend Action Saxton were able to take care of any problem we faced. But after Kingdom Come, Action Saxton went to China, and now Im all alone, fending for myself, and there are people out to get me.
I am a lot like Daniel, you see. Vance Bateman, Steven Holmes, Celeste Crimson, Whoopi Goldberg: theyre all part of a massive conspiracy to have me killed, just like Daniel and the Persians! And now Vance Bateman booked me in a match against D.C., and where there is one TSA goon, more are bound to follow. I already knocked D.C. and his partner, TSA Goon #17, so I can guarantee you the whole group is going to be looking for revenge. You saw what happened after I beat Steven Holmes, right? Well instead of two jerks stomping on my head, there will be four! Whoopi Goldberg and Vance Bateman have masterminded this insidious plan to have me destroyed, and theyre on the path to accomplish just that.
I came here to find Whoopi Goldberg and kill her myself, but now I realize that I was sent here to find you, God. So please, help me like you helped Daniel: protect me from the lions that are Whoopi Goldberg, Steven Holmes, Vance Bateman, and D.C. And then when youre done protecting me have them fed to the lions. I realize Im starting to mix metaphors here, but Im sure you know what I mean; you probably have to be a smart guy to get a gig being God. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Toast, amen. P.S. Sorry I dont have a goat or something to slaughter in your name, I dont really know how this works.
Saboteur raises his head and looks around for a moment. He stands up and brushes off his knees and scratches his head.
Saboteur: Huh, I feel
better! It feels as though I am imbued by the power of God just like John Belushi and that other guy! A protective aura has surrounded me that neither D.C. or Whoopi Goldberg and her minions can penetrate! The TSA may be empowered by their Almighty, but I have an even higher power on my side, and his name is God!
