AS 57: Stormrage, Saboteur, and Saxton vs Grand Mystique and The New Church
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Beastmode 24
BEAST MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS
Chapter 8: Who I am
Unscripted was the beginning of the end, only nobody knew it yet. Brother Mason Westhoff and Brother Derek Jacobs, collectively known as The New Church, set in motion a plan that was formed before the foundation of the world, and there had been casualties. First Steamboat Ricky, the false prophet who thought he could fool Jacobs and Westhoff into believing he was The Almighty, and then James Howard. James Howard is in a hospital bed, and many think hell never wrestle again. Steamboat Ricky hasnt been seen since Unscripted when The New Church ousted him as the phony that he was. And now, the next phase of the plan was to begin.
But there were still obstacles.
Saboteur and Saxton, the former tag team champions of the world, and Mikey Stormrage; the only one left of Strikeforce. Brother Mason and Brother Derek were very familiar with these three men, but now they have something even greater on their side. The power that the Grand Mystique has brought into the lives of The New Church has changed them from the inside out. But honestly in Dereks mind at least, something else was driving him. Something darker. Something pure.
Hate.
Its with this in mind that we find Derek Jacobs somewhere that he hasnt been in a very long time. Its here in this Chicago club where we first met Derek six months ago. Its here where he worked, fought and worshipped the idol of money. Its here where his onetime mentor James Parker wanted to meet. Thats the only reason Derek is here now. Everything about this place that he once loved now makes his skin crawl. The music, the people blind to the power of the Almighty cavorting and not caring about what happens next; everything about this place makes Derek sick to his stomach. The only reason that hes here is because Brother Westhoff said that in order for the plan to continue, the last remnant of this time in his life had to die.
And Derek had to be the one to kill it.
James Parker sees Derek as he nears the booth that he has set up for this meeting. Instead of the warm smile that James would have when he sees Derek, there is only a curt nod.
James Parker: Derek. Glad to see that you can still come places without your babysitter.
Derek: Honestly, James if the reason you called me here is so you can try to change my mind again-
James: Dont worry Derek, I wouldnt dream of trying that again. But I did call you here because I wanted to talk to you.
James face softens into a look of concern.
James: Derek, Ive been like a father to you for years. I was the one that found you when you were at your lowest point. I was the one that gave you a home. This person that youve become, this blind sheep following that two-bit tent revival phony around-
The insult of Brother Westhoff angers Derek.
Derek: When you speak of Brother Mason Westhoff, you will respect him in my presence! Who I am, James? You think you know who I am? You only know who I was. Brother Westhoff has opened my eyes to the fact that for so long, all I was, all I cared for was nothing. Vanity of Vanities; all was vanity. The money, the cars, everything I had meant absolutely nothing. I am a changed man, James. Ive tried so many times to make you see that Brother Westhoff is nothing but good for people. And now that weve found the Almighty, our plan to dominate WZCW is stronger than ever. Everyone that stands in our way will fall. I am the bull, Brother Mason is the Knife, and The Grand Mystique is The Almighty. And all will bow before our power. Every tongue will confess that The New Church is the only way. And those that oppose us will be destroyed.
James: I dont believe you Derek. This person that you are makes me sick. Do you know what you did to James Howard? The doctors say that they dont know if hell ever wrestle again. Dammit Derek, the mans a father! Did you know that? Did you know that his fiancé just had twins? Do you even care that he might not ever be able to hold his kids again? Do you care that he wont be able to provide for them like a father should? Dont you care at all?
Derek contemplates the question that James just asked him. As ponders this, his mind goes back to Unscripted, when the Final Judgment was unleashed on James Howard
A sick smile crosses Dereks lips as he spits out his next words.
Derek: No. I dont care. I dont care that hell never be able to hold his kids. I dont care that he cant wrestle.
Derek shouts the next couple of sentences as he stands to leave
Derek: And I dont care if I wouldve killed him. James, this is it. There will be no more chances for you to join us. If I leave here and youre not with us, then youre against us
And judgment will fall on you too.
James has a look of disappointment, and maybe even a little pity on his face as he turns away from Derek.
James: After everything Ive done for you, after treating you like my son, I can see that youre not the same man. The Derek Jacobs I knew is dead, and this Derek Jacobs can go to hell.
James Parker leaves the table as Dereks face breaks out into an evil smile.
Derek: Dead and gone, James. Dead and gone.
A short time later, Derek is on a plane back to Texarkana and the Bridge to Salvation church, back to home.
As Derek begins to write once again in his journal, he finally realizes that Brother Mason was right. The only thing left of Derek Jacobs before the almighty is dead. He no longer feels compassion in his heart for James Parker, only one thing.
Hate. I cant believe that Im writing this even now as my pen is dancing on this page, but I feel nothing more now than hate for James Parker, and for anything else that I might have been before. Hate that I wasted so many years trying to find my place in the world when it was right here before me all along. Hate that James used me for nothing more than a means to a way. Hate that I took so long to realize that I was just being used.
Also, I feel hate towards the sheep that call themselves fans of WZCW. I feel hate towards them because they still dont believe, they still mock and they still ridicule us. I feel hate towards everyone else in that locker room, for every other wrestler from Alex Bowen to Triple X that has ever ignored us, that has ever overlooked us. The ones who say Who are the New Church? the ones that try to hold us back because were different. These will be the first to fall.
Most of all, I feel hate towards Saboteur, Saxton and Mikey Stormrage. These three men have been thorns in our sides long enough. It is time to finish what we started. It is time to end this now.
Joe Mason was the first, but he wont be the last.
A shot of Derek powerbombing Joe Mason off of the ramp flashes across the screen.
Steamboat Ricky was next, and we found peace in his blood.
The Grand Mystique breaks the crystal ball over Ricky's head.
James Howard was a sacrifice to a greater cause.
James Howard is riding a stretcher out of the arena at Unscripted.
And at Ascension, we crush the non believers. They will fall, and we will rejoice at their demise.
Dereks plane lands in Texarkana; and as he exits, Brother Mason Westhoff is there to greet him.
Mason: Brother Jacobs, I assume your trip went well?
Derek: It is finished, Brother Westhoff. It is finished.
The two men shake hands and climb into Mason's car.
Thriller Ant
Beep Bop Boop
Lesson of the Day: Appreciate what you have before you lose it
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The scene opens with Brothers Westhoff and Jacobs leaving the airport in the back of a beautiful, all black, luxury sedan.
I assume that the fact that you are alone tells me everything I need to know about your trip. Am I correct in this, Brother Jacobs?
Brother Jacobs nods his head before taking a drink from a bottle of water.
I apologize if advising you to head to Chicago has caused you any undue stress or frustration, but in order for us to go forward, I needed to make sure there was nothing left to make you want to go back.
I appreciate that, Brother Westhoff. I just keep going back to him trying to tell me off for attacking a new father. As he was talking, all I could feel building up inside of me was pride and happiness. Thats when we both knew that trying to talk to the other was a waste of time.
Brother Jacobs, are you familiar with the term schadenfreude?
I cannot say that I am, no.
You are familiar with it, you just didnt know the name. Schadenfreude is a German word that refers to pleasure received through the misfortune of others and it will be our greatest gift to the WZCW Universe, they just wont realize it.
The car arrives at Bridge to Salvation Church. Brothers Jacobs and Westhoff make their way toward the building while the driver and an assistant can be seen in the background taking care of Brother Jacobs bag.
Mr. Parker was correct in everything he said about James Howard, anyone can see that it is unfortunate that someone with young children was severely injured. In fact, Im sure there are many followers of WZCW with similar family situations, minus the injuries, of course. That night, those people were sure to hug their children and thank The Almighty that they arent in the same situation as James Howard. Its not as strong as what you or I feel, but that is a form of schadenfreude.
So its almost as though we are warning people. Appreciate what you have before it is taken away.
Exactly. I wouldnt be surprised if Mr. Howard ends up thanking us for getting him out of wrestling and home to spend time with his family.
The two men make their way into Brother Westhoffs office and sit.
This is a big week, Brother Jacobs. Not only do we face Saxton, Saboteur, and whats left of Strikeforce, but also The New Church finally gets to stand in the ring as a full unit.
I am incredibly excited. I praise The Almighty for this opportunity!
As do I, Brother Jacobs. We need to be careful, though. The three of us havent teamed before and even though we are familiar with the men we are facing, its safe to assume that itll be different than any other time.
Brother Westhoff stares off into the distance, almost as if he is trying to picture the men as he describes them.
First, Saxton and Saboteur. For many months now, their identity has been centered on the WZCW Tag Team Championship. Now, that identity is gone. Will they be off their game? Will they be depressed? Will they blame each other for losing? With those two, you never know and that can make them that much more dangerous or take them completely out of the equation.
As for Stormrage, we know hell be angry. We organized the attack to take him out, and after he came back we take out his tag team partner and best friend, likely permanently. Hes a big guy that we cant throw around as easily as some other people on the roster and itll be even harder if hes angry. Regardless of what mindset Sax and Sab are in, I think Stormrage will be the one we need to be most concerned about.
Brother Jacobs nods along with everything that Brother Westhoff says, until Brother Westhoff looks back at Brother Jacobs and smiles.
With all of that said, I have no doubts that the two of us, plus Grand Mystique will be more than enough to come out victorious. The pain we will cause on Ascension will bring more happiness than you or I can fathom.
Brother Westhoff glances at his watch.
Now come, we need to get changed for the ceremony.
Both men get up and head out of the office as the scene fades.
Action Saxton is walking down the hallways of Saxton/Saboteur tower with purpose, or perhaps its simply anger. The mood at the HQ of WZCWs favorite duo is less than ideal as the former tag team champs were just that, former tag team champs. On this particular day, Saxton was trying to blow off some steam by watching his favorite kung fu movies, which coincidentally were all Signal Panic Inc. joints starring Action Saxton himself. Sadly for WZCWs resident blacktor (black actor), he was having trouble finding his DVD copy of Action Saxton in Jungle Boogie 2: The Return of the Dino Gangsters.
Saxton: Damn! All I wanted to do today is watch the best actor in the world team up with a big booty biologist to save the world from dinosuckas! I bet you that damn Saboteur took my movie disc, but I havent seen that fool all day.
Saxton cups his hands to make his already impressively loud voice even louder.
Saxton: Garrett! Get your unjive ass over here!
Garrett appears on command, popping out from behind a door that Saxton was standing directly next to.
Saxton: Damn, that was fast!
Garrett: Youre standing right outside my office. You could have knocked.
Saxton: I dont have time to learn whose office is behind which door.
Garrett: It says my name right on the door!
Saxton: Well whatever, there are more pressing matters at hand! Do you know where the hell Saboteur is? I think he has my copy of Jungle Boogie 2: The Return of the Dino Gangsters.
Garrett: Saxton, I think we need to talk about Saboteur. He hasnt been normal since Unscripted.
Saxton: When has Saboteur ever been normal?
Garrett: Granted, but hes acting uncharacteristically. For instance, hes developed a bit of a hygiene problem.
Saxton: Hes not showering? Then its business as usual!
Garrett: Actually hes been showering everyday, sometimes twice a day.
Saxtons look of anger quickly turns to one of shock and concern.
Saxton: This isnt good, Garrett. He hasnt acted this strange since they pulled The Jeffersons off of Nick at Night and replaced it with The Nanny!
Garrett: To be fair, Fran Dreschers voice is REALLY annoying.
Saxton: We gotta snap him out of it! Do you know where he is?
Garrett: Last time I saw him he was going into the bathroom with a towel and his no more tears shampoo.
Saxton: Quick, we gotta get to the bathroom before its too late!
Garrett: Too late for what?
But Garretts words fall on deaf ears as Saxton takes off running down the halls of Saxton/Saboteur tower. With a sigh, Garrett follows the big man at his own, much slower pace.
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*Bang Bang Bang*
Saxton: Open up Saboteur! Its Saxton!
Saxton cups his hands in hopes that his booming voice will penetrate the thick wooden door.
Saxton: I hear the shower running Saboteur! I know what youre up to in there!
A muffled Saboteur can be heard from behind the door.
Saboteur: Noooobody knows the trouble Ive seen. Nobody knows the sorrow.
Saxton: You cant sing your troubles away, Saboteur, you aint black!
Saboteur: I might not be able to sing my troubles away, but I can wash off my shame.
Saxton: Your shame?
Saboteur: Im covered in shame! Oh the humanity, theres so much shame!
Saxton: Dammit Saboteur, you cant wash shame off in the shower! That junk clogs the drain!
Garrett walks up next to Saxton and joins the conversation.
Garrett: Any luck?
Saxton: No, if he stays in there any longer hell wash himself away!
Garrett: He is not going to wash himself away. At the very worst hell be pruney.
Saxton: Well Im about 5 seconds from bustin this door down and dragging his wet, naked ass out of there. Maybe you can calm him down.
Garrett takes Saxtons place at the door and calls into Saboteur.
Garrett: Hey Saboteur? I think you should come out of the shower now.
Saboteur: I cant get out until I wash off all of the shame. Theres just so much of it.
Garrett: Look Saboteur, if you could turn back the hands of time and wrestle Strikeforce for the titles again Im sure you would win. It was a close match and you just barely lost, but its in the past now, and whats done is
Garrett pauses as the unmistakable sound of a shower being turned off penetrates the door. Saxton gives Garrett a nod of approval, as it seems Saboteurs roommate/hostage has managed to defuse the situation.
Saboteur bursts out the door running with a towel around his waist. This is, of course, hardly necessary as Saboteur is still in full spandex gear.
Saboteur: Its in the past! Of course! Quick everyone, to the laboratory!
Saboteur takes off running down the hallway and makes a sharp turn into a nearby stairwell and Saxton follows in quick pursuit. With a shrug of his shoulders Garrett follows at his own, much slower pace.
Garrett discovers Saboteur tinkering with a complex series of cardboard boxes while Saxton observes in a state or perplexity.
Garrett: So what the hell is this?
Saboteur: Its my time machine, dummy! Im going to use it to take Saxton and I back to Sunday so we can beat Strikeforce and retain our titles!
Saxton: Now you just talkin crazy, Saboteur, we cant go back in time to Unscripted it would create a paradox! If we go to Unscripted then there will be two Saxtons and Saboteurs.
Saboteur: Hmmm, you raise a good point, I guess well have to kill the older versions of ourselves and take their places.
Saxton: But then we wouldnt be alive to go back in time in the first place, thus creating another paradox!
Saboteur: Well then well just I dont know, well figure it out when we get there! Just get in!
Saxton: Ah hell, Im best when Im improvising anyway, lets go!
Saxton jumps into the largest box of the so-called time machine, ready to embark on an epic journey.
Garrett: Saxton, you dont seriously believe that youre going to be able to time travel, do you?
Saxton: Do you have any better ideas?
Garrett: Yes! Hundreds of them!
Saboteur: Shut up, Garrett, youre being almost as annoying as that other guy that we used to hang out with. Now let me finish my preparations.
Saboteur climbs to the top of the large box that Saxton is standing inside of and opens a smaller box on top of it. He takes a glowing rock from out of his spandex and holds it high in the air.
Saboteur: This is what will make my time machine work: Fluxtonium!
Saboteur carefully deposits the rock inside of the box and makes his way into the large box joining Saxton.
Saboteur: Okay, its back to the past we go! Full speed backwards!
Saboteur starts flipping switches and pulling levers, all of which are made out of cardboard.
Garrett: Saboteur, these are just a bunch of cardboard boxes, and time travel is impossible. I dont care how many glowing rocks you put into your box, this is never g----.
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A bright flash blinds the camera temporarily and soon our heroes are soaring through the space-time continuum, or perhaps the continuum is soaring around them. Either way, Saxton and Saboteur seem frozen in place inside their time traveling box as they pass through a deep, dark oblivion that is being.
Another bright flash blinds the camera, but as the picture returns we find the duo and their time machine in a dense jungle.
Saxton: Damn! It worked!
Saboteur: Of course it worked, it had fluxtonium!
Saboteur opens the door to the box and makes his way out to better inspect his surroundings.
Saboteur: Hmmm, I dont remember a jungle being anywhere near the arena, but its possible that were just a little lost. Check the GPS on your cell phone, and order a pizza while youre at it, time travel makes me hungry!
Saxton comes out of the box with his cell phone held high in the air and wears a scowl on his face.
Saxton: No bars damn AT&T and their crappy service!
Saboteur: Thats okay, we dont need pizza. We can just eat one of these giant eggs!
Saboteur holds up an egg that is roughly the size of his abdomen.
Saxton: Uh, aint no animal in America lays an egg thats that damn big. I should know, one of my many degrees comes in ornithology.
Saboteur: Well I dont care, Im starving Im about to crack this bad boy
ROAAAAAAAR
Saxton and Saboteur look up at the sky to see a giant beast soar over them.
Saboteur: Holy guacamole, its a bird!
Saxton: Its a plane!
Saboteur: It's!... wait, birds dont roar
Saxton: Neither do planes Saboteur, were not in Wyoming anymore.
Saboteur: Then where the heck are we?
Saxton: I recognize this from my experience working on the Jungle Boogie franchise: we in
Saxton: Damn! All I wanted to do today is watch the best actor in the world team up with a big booty biologist to save the world from dinosuckas! I bet you that damn Saboteur took my movie disc, but I havent seen that fool all day.
Saxton cups his hands to make his already impressively loud voice even louder.
Saxton: Garrett! Get your unjive ass over here!
Garrett appears on command, popping out from behind a door that Saxton was standing directly next to.
Saxton: Damn, that was fast!
Garrett: Youre standing right outside my office. You could have knocked.
Saxton: I dont have time to learn whose office is behind which door.
Garrett: It says my name right on the door!
Saxton: Well whatever, there are more pressing matters at hand! Do you know where the hell Saboteur is? I think he has my copy of Jungle Boogie 2: The Return of the Dino Gangsters.
Garrett: Saxton, I think we need to talk about Saboteur. He hasnt been normal since Unscripted.
Saxton: When has Saboteur ever been normal?
Garrett: Granted, but hes acting uncharacteristically. For instance, hes developed a bit of a hygiene problem.
Saxton: Hes not showering? Then its business as usual!
Garrett: Actually hes been showering everyday, sometimes twice a day.
Saxtons look of anger quickly turns to one of shock and concern.
Saxton: This isnt good, Garrett. He hasnt acted this strange since they pulled The Jeffersons off of Nick at Night and replaced it with The Nanny!
Garrett: To be fair, Fran Dreschers voice is REALLY annoying.
Saxton: We gotta snap him out of it! Do you know where he is?
Garrett: Last time I saw him he was going into the bathroom with a towel and his no more tears shampoo.
Saxton: Quick, we gotta get to the bathroom before its too late!
Garrett: Too late for what?
But Garretts words fall on deaf ears as Saxton takes off running down the halls of Saxton/Saboteur tower. With a sigh, Garrett follows the big man at his own, much slower pace.
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*Bang Bang Bang*
Saxton: Open up Saboteur! Its Saxton!
Saxton cups his hands in hopes that his booming voice will penetrate the thick wooden door.
Saxton: I hear the shower running Saboteur! I know what youre up to in there!
A muffled Saboteur can be heard from behind the door.
Saboteur: Noooobody knows the trouble Ive seen. Nobody knows the sorrow.
Saxton: You cant sing your troubles away, Saboteur, you aint black!
Saboteur: I might not be able to sing my troubles away, but I can wash off my shame.
Saxton: Your shame?
Saboteur: Im covered in shame! Oh the humanity, theres so much shame!
Saxton: Dammit Saboteur, you cant wash shame off in the shower! That junk clogs the drain!
Garrett walks up next to Saxton and joins the conversation.
Garrett: Any luck?
Saxton: No, if he stays in there any longer hell wash himself away!
Garrett: He is not going to wash himself away. At the very worst hell be pruney.
Saxton: Well Im about 5 seconds from bustin this door down and dragging his wet, naked ass out of there. Maybe you can calm him down.
Garrett takes Saxtons place at the door and calls into Saboteur.
Garrett: Hey Saboteur? I think you should come out of the shower now.
Saboteur: I cant get out until I wash off all of the shame. Theres just so much of it.
Garrett: Look Saboteur, if you could turn back the hands of time and wrestle Strikeforce for the titles again Im sure you would win. It was a close match and you just barely lost, but its in the past now, and whats done is
Garrett pauses as the unmistakable sound of a shower being turned off penetrates the door. Saxton gives Garrett a nod of approval, as it seems Saboteurs roommate/hostage has managed to defuse the situation.
Saboteur bursts out the door running with a towel around his waist. This is, of course, hardly necessary as Saboteur is still in full spandex gear.
Saboteur: Its in the past! Of course! Quick everyone, to the laboratory!
Saboteur takes off running down the hallway and makes a sharp turn into a nearby stairwell and Saxton follows in quick pursuit. With a shrug of his shoulders Garrett follows at his own, much slower pace.
Garrett discovers Saboteur tinkering with a complex series of cardboard boxes while Saxton observes in a state or perplexity.
Garrett: So what the hell is this?
Saboteur: Its my time machine, dummy! Im going to use it to take Saxton and I back to Sunday so we can beat Strikeforce and retain our titles!
Saxton: Now you just talkin crazy, Saboteur, we cant go back in time to Unscripted it would create a paradox! If we go to Unscripted then there will be two Saxtons and Saboteurs.
Saboteur: Hmmm, you raise a good point, I guess well have to kill the older versions of ourselves and take their places.
Saxton: But then we wouldnt be alive to go back in time in the first place, thus creating another paradox!
Saboteur: Well then well just I dont know, well figure it out when we get there! Just get in!
Saxton: Ah hell, Im best when Im improvising anyway, lets go!
Saxton jumps into the largest box of the so-called time machine, ready to embark on an epic journey.
Garrett: Saxton, you dont seriously believe that youre going to be able to time travel, do you?
Saxton: Do you have any better ideas?
Garrett: Yes! Hundreds of them!
Saboteur: Shut up, Garrett, youre being almost as annoying as that other guy that we used to hang out with. Now let me finish my preparations.
Saboteur climbs to the top of the large box that Saxton is standing inside of and opens a smaller box on top of it. He takes a glowing rock from out of his spandex and holds it high in the air.
Saboteur: This is what will make my time machine work: Fluxtonium!
Saboteur carefully deposits the rock inside of the box and makes his way into the large box joining Saxton.
Saboteur: Okay, its back to the past we go! Full speed backwards!
Saboteur starts flipping switches and pulling levers, all of which are made out of cardboard.
Garrett: Saboteur, these are just a bunch of cardboard boxes, and time travel is impossible. I dont care how many glowing rocks you put into your box, this is never g----.
-----------
A bright flash blinds the camera temporarily and soon our heroes are soaring through the space-time continuum, or perhaps the continuum is soaring around them. Either way, Saxton and Saboteur seem frozen in place inside their time traveling box as they pass through a deep, dark oblivion that is being.
Another bright flash blinds the camera, but as the picture returns we find the duo and their time machine in a dense jungle.
Saxton: Damn! It worked!
Saboteur: Of course it worked, it had fluxtonium!
Saboteur opens the door to the box and makes his way out to better inspect his surroundings.
Saboteur: Hmmm, I dont remember a jungle being anywhere near the arena, but its possible that were just a little lost. Check the GPS on your cell phone, and order a pizza while youre at it, time travel makes me hungry!
Saxton comes out of the box with his cell phone held high in the air and wears a scowl on his face.
Saxton: No bars damn AT&T and their crappy service!
Saboteur: Thats okay, we dont need pizza. We can just eat one of these giant eggs!
Saboteur holds up an egg that is roughly the size of his abdomen.
Saxton: Uh, aint no animal in America lays an egg thats that damn big. I should know, one of my many degrees comes in ornithology.
Saboteur: Well I dont care, Im starving Im about to crack this bad boy
ROAAAAAAAR
Saxton and Saboteur look up at the sky to see a giant beast soar over them.
Saboteur: Holy guacamole, its a bird!
Saxton: Its a plane!
Saboteur: It's!... wait, birds dont roar
Saxton: Neither do planes Saboteur, were not in Wyoming anymore.
Saboteur: Then where the heck are we?
Saxton: I recognize this from my experience working on the Jungle Boogie franchise: we in
DINO TIMES!
Ashes to Ashes
The Bridge to Salvation Church in Texarkana is a beautiful white building. On this day with its bright sun and clear sky, the church is a beacon of cleansed purity. If you didn’t know The New Church called this place home, then you wouldn’t know the evil intentions that lurked within the pearly white walls.
Inside, the sunshine cannot permeate thick blinds that cover the stain glass windows. It’s not pitch black though as candles cast a warm glow at one end of the building. There is a dark and ominous aura that reaches across from the furthest pew to the magnificent altar where most of the candles are laid out.
It is at this altar that the Grand Mystique stands. Dominant and menacing, this masked monster of a man rests his hands on the oak pulpit which stands raised over everything in front of it.
“At Unscripted, WZCW got a glimpse of its destiny. We revealed ourselves to the world and the company is yet to recover. It is this vision of The New Church that will go down in WZCW history. Our Final Judgement has shaken the company to its’ very core and it is only the beginning.”
Through a door to the side, Mason Westhoff and Derek Jacobs emerge. Westhoff looks practically regal in his complete priestly regalia whilst Jacobs wears a smart suit.
“You see, for those who are ignorant, uninitiated or blind, this was a long time coming. Until Unscripted, there was a series of bodies left in our wake. We were separate entities, an anonymous union, but everyone feared that they would be next but Unscripted was the moment where we came together and left an entire division shattered.”
Westhoff and Jacobs stand either side of The Grand Mystique as for the first time we see this menacing trio together for the first time.
“The Grand Mystique returned to WZCW as an untamed beast with a taste for destruction but I was alone. That was not my destiny. It was written that I would achieve something much greater alongside the bull and the knife. Nobody listened; no-one figured it out but it came about exactly as promised.”
“The quarter final was the first step. Steamboat Ricky was not the first victim but he was the crux, the sacrificial lamb upon which our plan was formed. Victory was inevitable, but Ricky had to fall before the rest of the night could begin. Like the first domino, he fell in style. His blood stains the hands of The New Church and now this hand will drive a blood-soaked stake through WZCW and rip it into two. The destruction of that false idol was our first real victory.”
Westhoff’s fierce words are delivered in a deceptively soft tone. This tone could reassure but like The Grand Mystique, these words are toxic.
“The effect was better than we could have prophesised, when we approached the ring and began to decimate one half of the new champions; I felt a shiver down my spine because change was imminent. When I held Mikey Stormrage back by his fat neck, I felt a tremor, the mere hint of what we could achieve. And when James Howard crashed and burned thanks to the collective efforts of my brethren, I knew that change wasn’t just near, I knew it was taking the destiny of WZCW and sending it in a radical new direction.”
“If you think that we chose our moment and just picked the scraps of Strikeforce, then this is your misunderstanding. Strikeforce had interrupted the destiny of The New Church by taking the match at Unscripted and that could not stand. That they won the titles is irrelevant. What we did to them is far from immaterial. James Howard is a physical wreck; Mikey Stormrage is a psychological disaster. Strikeforce, the first ever two time tag team champions, are dead at the hands of The New Church. That was planned well in advance.”
“It’s only fair that we celebrate the life and time of Strikeforce, their abilities and achievements cannot be understated because they are nothing more than a pair of bland nobodies who have jumped on the desolate state of this company. Some of the ingrates in WZCW and most of the fans view Strikeforce as heroes for their rapid rise to success.”
“There is no better way to celebrate the death of a hero than with a funeral. Who better to lead this celebration than those responsible?”
Jacobs and Westhoff step to the back of the altar and pull a casket. It is pulled to the front and laid between two tables. The pine coffin is emblazoned with images of Strikeforce, their faces, their successes.
“James Howard will be remembered for being a monster of a man but also the one who was able to tolerate the oaf inside and out of the ring. Mikey Stormrage was a weight around Howards’ neck that he couldn’t shift but now he can barely lift his neck. This problem has been sold by The New Church but there will be no gratitude.”
“Mikey Stormrage was treated to the best view at Unscripted. We broke James Howard; we destroyed Strikeforce right in front of him. The tag champions cannot be one man, their reign should pass to those next in line and that is the New Church. So before our match at Ascension, we will offer Mikey Stormrage the chance to hand the championships to me on behalf of The New Church. Mikey, this gesture will be every bit as heroic as your partner. But heroes are doomed to nothingness and this will be the case as long as The New Church is around to exercise our weighty destiny.”
The Grand Mystique spits the name of their opponents with disdain and disgust. Another coffin is brought to the forefront and this is decorated with the animated faces of Saboteur and Saxton.
“These heroes, Mikey Stormrage, Saboteur and Saxton and others like them, will try and foil our efforts but they will fail. Their attempts at comedy and jest have led astray the focus of WZCW but we will not be distracted from our cause. Their flaws will be exposed for the world to see by the real heroes.”
“Saboteur and Saxton have made a career of being pig ignorant and are guilty of polluting those around them with their brand of humour. It is an indictment of this company that they have been successful. Should they take their precious time to consider this match then they will no doubt consider that the previous incarnations of The New Church is what will show up.”
“If the brainless court jesters consider that this match will be quite like our previous encounters, then they discount my influence. For as plain as Strikeforce are, Saxton and Saboteur are our polar opposites; borne out of disturbed, crazed and inane behaviour and they have no way of fighting us when we are so strong in heart and mind. My leadership of The New Church is in its infancy and there are great days to come for us, for my Brothers Jacobs and Westhoff, under my leadership when we will become the scourge of WZCW.”
It is clear that the trio have genuine contempt for their opponents. It is not just rooted in past encounters but also in the bizarre stories that narrate their lives.
“It will be a minor miracle that these imbeciles could even survive the wrath of hell and fire that will be brought about. The New Church is led by the true Almighty and now the faith of my brethren is unparalleled. This belief will be the vessel that forces our prideful enemies to submit to our will.”
From behind the pulpit, the Grand Mystique raises a small but ornate golden sceptre with a crystal ball on its tip.
“Our divine task is only made easier by our opponents being a rag tag combination. There is no trust, no brotherhood between those three men. Stormrage is known as their enemy and this will cause a rift that will leave them weak and exposed. We are a unit that will be in perfect sync with a heavenly understanding of what it takes to wipe out our sinful enemies once and for all.”
He raises the sceptre and smashes the crystal ball on the floor. With the impact still ringing, the caskets are set aflame and the polished wood burns quickly. Westhoff, Jacobs and The Grand Mystique look on with little admiration as the flames dance around their feet.
“The New Church is sick of your underestimations and you will burn for the sins that your ego has brought down on you. You are all out of time. Tonight we dance in the ashes of Saboteur and Saxton and Strikeforce.”
Richard Blonoff
Make America Rassle Again
The buzzing that had awoken me was probably no more than a small hum, but in my sleep deprived state it sounded as if sirens were going off next to my ear. I rolled over and pressed the button to reject the call, before rolling back over and trying to go back to sleep.
It wasn't but seconds later when the buzzing returned. I reached behind me, searching for the reject button once again. Were people not aware I had spent the last week on a press tour as a new champion, while making frequent visits to see James and Oliver in the hospital? Not to mention my nipples were still bruised.
Just as I was about to drift back to sleep, the sound again haunted my ears. This time I simply threw my arm back, swiping at the bedside table. Unable to find the phone, I run my arm along the top of the table, pushing the contents onto the floor.
To make sure I had finally found peace, I pull the covers up over my head. As I lie in bed the thoughts of the recent pay-per-view replayed in my head. I had little time to celebrate my history making win before the nightmarish images of the attack on James started to replay themselves. Unfortunately I never managed to fall asleep, and the nightmares were indeed real.
As I sat up in bed my phone rang again. "Okay, fine, I'm awake!" I stepped out of bed and scanned the floor, looking for my phone. By the time I had found it, the voice mail had picked up.
When I looked at the screen I was worried I had broken the phone.
"That can't be right." I checked the missed calls. There were twenty nine missed calls in the span of roughly an hour, all from the same number, a number I didn't recognize. My first thought was an obsessed fan had somehow gotten my number. "Here goes nothing." I pressed the button to check my voice mail, fully expecting to hear the voice of a potential stalker.
"Hey kid, its Jerry Fogel, give me a call back!"
I paused before playing the next message. "Jerry Fogel? The sitcom actor from the sixties? That can't be." I played the next message.
"Jerry Fogel again, call me."
I played the next message.
"Jerry Fogel, give me a call champ."
I contemplated playing the remaining five messages. Still not totally aware of the caller's intent I decided to play them.
"Not sure if you got my messages or not, just checking. Oh its Jerry Fogel. Call me."
"Hey, Jerry Fogel again. I thought I heard you pick up at the end of my last message. No? Well call me kid."
"Jerry Fogel, big time sports agent, ready to make you a star, give me a call hotshot."
"Hey sport, Jerry Fogel calling you back again just che..."
I pressed delete. I had gotten the idea. I went over to the refrigerator and checked for something to eat, but I hadn't yet had the proper time to go grocery shopping after moving into my new apartment. I would have to settle on cereal. I found a large salad bowl and poured my entire box of Rice Krispies in. I then went back to the fridge and poured what milk I had. I took my bowl and sat in the only chair I had. I positioned it in front of my brand new fifty two inch television. I realized I would need to get my priorities in order soon. For now though, I was content to enjoy my cereal. As I was flipping through channels my phone rang again.
"Hello."
"Hey superstar, Jerry Fogel here. Not sure if you got my messages, but I'm ready to make you a big time star!"
I paused for a moment. "I'm sorry do I know you?"
"No kid you don't, but I want to change that. I can make you the biggest star in the business today. I only represent the best, and when your name was suggested to me, I knew I had to snatch you up."
Again, I took a moment to think over my words, still not sure what to make of the situation. "Wait, someone recommended me to you? Who? And how did you get my number?"
Without missing a beat, Jerry had his own answers. "None of that is important. What you need to know is I can have your face on every billboard and in every magazine. I can get you your own video game. Your name will be in lights!"
"Why would anyone want my face on anything? I'm not really an attractive guy."
"Haha, a future star and still modest. I like you kid. Pay no mind to looks, Jay-Z is one of the biggest stars on the planet and he looks like he is having an allergic reaction to shellfish."
I chuckled a little. "Ha, you have a point. Still, who do I know that would recommend me to an agent?"
"You got moxy, I like that. I'll come clean. Your friend Garrett told me about you."
"I don't know a Garrett. How did you get my number?"
"That isn't important. What is important is your image. Ladies love nerds. Don't believe me, check this out, sending you a pic."
A few seconds later I received a picture from Jerry.
"See they put it on a t-shirt. You can't just put anything you want on a shirt."
I pause, literally at a loss for words. Fortunately Jerry keeps going.
"So tell me Mikey McGwire, Big Mac-ey, are you down or do I need to sweeten this deal?"
"Hold up. One, I still have no clue how you got my number. Two, what deal? You haven't offered anything concrete."
"Sweet, a hard sell, I like them hard, kind of like my girlfriend. I'm just joking, I don't have a girlfriend...that I'm willing to acknowledge. Your buddy Garrett called me up, said I should take a look at you. You are a lot to look at, but I like what I see. He gave me your number, got it out of your friend Saboteur's notebook."
I cut him off at the end of his sentence. "Hang on, how did Saboteur get my number? Actually I don't want to know." I shut off the TV and lock the door, before creeping over to the window and checking the street below.
"All you need to know is after your match with The New Church and Grand Mistake this week, you are gonna Stormrage Splash so many women they are be calling you Mikey ****erage."
I continue to creep around my apartment, checking behind curtains and under tables, oblivious to what Jerry is saying. "Yeah, sure whatever, sounds good."
"Right on daddy-o fatty-o. I have arranged for you to show up at Saxoteur Tower this afternoon."
"I thought it was Sabton Tower?"
"When I'm done with you they will call it Saxoteurrage tower. Trust me Action Saxtatory, Sabbroteur, and Mikey Dormraid are going to take over WZCW."
"Hang on, Dormraid? What does that even mean?"
"It means you are going to have so many hot chicks it will be like you raided a women's dorm. Yeah, the nicknames don't always fit, so roll with it. I will see you this afternoon Mikey Minaj!"
When I arrived several hours later my mind wasn't focused solely on the meeting. I was still focused on The New Church and Grand Mystique. Revenge was at the front of my mind, but I had to think of how. My time in the company has had its share of history making moments. I was involved in the first tables, ladders, and chairs match. I had beaten the longest reigning championship team in history. I was part of the first team to capture tag gold twice. Despite that success, I have had zero success against The New Church. From a straight up loss, to a losing effort while teaming with them, to the attacks at the two most recent pay-per-views. On top of that Grand Mystique was just that, a mystery. The desire for vengeance should have been enough to drive me, but I had yet to step into the ring against anyone larger than me.
As I approached the tower a man shorter than myself with messy brown hair approached me and offered me his hand. "Hi, I'm Garrett. Sorry to bring you out here like this, but since you are teaming with the guys this week, I felt it best that you try to work out your differences."
I shook his hand while allowing my eyes to wonder up the seemingly endless tower. "I suppose we had to get it out of the way eventually. Where is Jerry by the way? I figured he would be here with bells on."
"He is inside, come on, I'll take you up and we can wait for Saxton and Saboteur to get back."
"Oh, where are they?" I asked, somewhat nervously.
"It isn't so much where are they, as when are they. They told me they were going back in time. I'm not sure to where."
I gave him a quizzical look as we walk inside and step into a waiting elevator. As we travel upstairs I can't shake my uneasy feeling. I wasn't sitting front pew in the Bridge to Salvation Church, but I was still technically in enemy territory. The elevator came to a stop, and before I stepped out I could hear familiar voices.
"That jive raptor thought he was going to take a chunk out of me, my kung-fu grip shut him up quick."
"Yeah, but did we have to leave before I finished putting the saddle on the triceratops?"
"Fool, you tired to milk it! You can't milk reptiles. Not even we can change the laws of science."
"I wanted to try dinosaur milk."
As I step into the room, Saboteur and Saxton notice me. Saboteur quickly dives behind a desk and peaks over the top, while Saxton stands his ground. I wave at them, not knowing exactly how to react.
"What is this sucka doing here? Come to gloat over beating us? Well you can gloat to my fists."
"Saxton, let me handle this. I know how to talk to people." Saboteur motions for Garrett to come over. "Garrett, get over here."
Saboteur whispers something in Garrett's ear.
"Saboteur says you need to leave."
I shake my head and roll my eyes before speaking to Saboteur. "I'm not leaving, we are teammates this week."
Saboteur turns around, refusing to look my direction. Saxton walks over and takes a seat in a chair close to Garrett. "Garrett, tell Saboteur that he isn't leaving."
Garrett whispers in Saboteur's ear. After a moment to think Saboteur whispers back. "Saboteur says you really hurt when you sat on him. Also he isn't happy that you ducked when he tried to hit you, he says when he landed in the stands a fan spilled soda on his outfit."
"Tell Saboteur it was a fight. Plus Saxton twisted my nipples, that hurt like hell."
Both Saxton and Saboteur start to laugh. "That was pretty funny."
"About as funny as when I stabbed you in the chest with a chair?"
With that Saxton and I were standing toe to toe. Saboteur had pulled up a chair. "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Just as things were about to boil over Jerry walked through the door.
"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. We are going to have to start calling you Reaction Saxton if you keep that up."
"Tell me, why is this fool here? I don't remember inviting him. Saboteur, did you invite him?" Saboteur shakes his head no. "Well then, why is he here?"
"Calm down. I invited him. Not only do you guys need to work together to beat The Eww Church and Bland Mystique. Plus think of the marketing Saxoteurrage can bring in. They are gonna call you Transaction Saxton, cause you are gonna be making big bucks."
"Sucka, stop with the names and get on with it."
"Think about it. The ladies already love Saxton, and the ladies don't hate Saboteur, though if you don't stop staying up late watching Taxi reruns and eating ice cream they are gonna start calling you Flaboteur, am I right?" Saxton, Saboteur, and myself all shook our heads annoyed."Now you add Mikey Stormrage, everyone's favorite nerd, and you will be rolling in so many ladies and so much cash you won't know what to do with them. Diamonds, pearls, emeralds. You name it you got it. You are going to be polishing the pearls with ladies all day."
Saxton takes a moment to rub his chin. "Saxton does love the ladies. However, how do you figure this fat nerd is gonna get ladies?"
Jerry walks over and puts his arm around Saxton. "Mikey, show him the picture."
I roll my eyes and take my phone out of my pocket. Saxton looks over the picture, before calling Saboteur over to look as well.
"That makes sense, it is on the shirt, the shirt wouldn't lie. I mean..." Saboteur quickly runs over to Garrett and whispers in his ear again.
"Saboteur says it makes sense. That the shirt wouldn't lie. However he has reservations about allowing him to stay. He is going to have to think it over."
I throw my hands up, frustrated. "I'm going outside, when you make a decision send someone after me. I have to think about a potential new partner and what I'm going to do with my career at this point. I don't have time for this."
I walked to the elevator and pressed the button to go to the ground floor. At this point I wasn't even thinking about revenge, I was worried I was going to be in a match with partners I wasn't sure I could trust. The elevator came to a stop and as the doors opened I stepped out into a vast hallway. I looked around and saw a janitor mopping and approached him, hoping for directions to the exit. I tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around I was shocked to see Saboteur in a janitor outfit, complete with a "Janoteur" name tag.
"You lost sir?"
"I thought you weren't talking to me Sabotuer? And how did you beat me down here? Actually I'm probably better off not knowing. How do I get out of here?
"Oh I'm not Saboteur, I'm Janoteur." He points to his name tag. Just straight through that door." He pointed to a door at the opposite end of the hall.
As I made my way to the door I happened to look back and Saboteur was gone. I shook my head in disbelief and opened the door. To my surprise there was Saboteur again, this time dressed as a receptionist. I rolled my eyes and approached him. I'm not playing Saboteur, how do I get out of here. Unlike you I don't have time for games. I have a tag team championship to think about and a match to prepare for."
I'm not Saboteur, I'm Greeteur. I'm actually on break right now though. If you need directions you can go back up to the top and ask Mr. Saboteur and Mr. Saxton yourselves."
I hang my head and grumble to myself as I head back to the elevator. After a ride back to the top I find Saboteur and Garrett are still in the room engaging in a game of Patty Cake.
"I hate to interrupt guys, but how do I get out of here?"
Saboteur whispers in Garrett's ear. "Saboteur wants me to tell you to take the elevator back down and you will be fine. He also wants me to tell you not to eat anything."
"Tell Saboteur he was just talking to me downstairs."
Garrett turns and whispers to Saboteur. "He said that wasn't him, You were talking to the janitor and receptionist, and you were very rude to him, I mean them."
I roll my eyes and head back to the elevator. At this point I didn't care about the match, my revenge, my titles, or anything, other than getting out of this place. As the elevator stops and the doors ding I step out into another long desolate hallway, with a solitary door at the end. As I open the door I walk out into what appears to be an underground parking garage, but a lack of light makes it hard to tell. Just as I am about to turn around I hear a car approaching. Eventually I can make it out to be a limousine. It stops and out steps Saboteur, dressed in a chauffeurs outfit. He pulls out a sign that reads "STORMRAGE" and looks around. I approach him and he opens the door to the rear of the limo. "Hello Mr. Stormrage. I'm Chauffteur, Mr. Saxton and Mr. Saboteur's personal driver. I'll take you to your car now."
"This is going to be a long week."
It wasn't but seconds later when the buzzing returned. I reached behind me, searching for the reject button once again. Were people not aware I had spent the last week on a press tour as a new champion, while making frequent visits to see James and Oliver in the hospital? Not to mention my nipples were still bruised.
Just as I was about to drift back to sleep, the sound again haunted my ears. This time I simply threw my arm back, swiping at the bedside table. Unable to find the phone, I run my arm along the top of the table, pushing the contents onto the floor.
To make sure I had finally found peace, I pull the covers up over my head. As I lie in bed the thoughts of the recent pay-per-view replayed in my head. I had little time to celebrate my history making win before the nightmarish images of the attack on James started to replay themselves. Unfortunately I never managed to fall asleep, and the nightmares were indeed real.
As I sat up in bed my phone rang again. "Okay, fine, I'm awake!" I stepped out of bed and scanned the floor, looking for my phone. By the time I had found it, the voice mail had picked up.
When I looked at the screen I was worried I had broken the phone.
29 Missed Calls
8 New Voice Messages
8 New Voice Messages
"That can't be right." I checked the missed calls. There were twenty nine missed calls in the span of roughly an hour, all from the same number, a number I didn't recognize. My first thought was an obsessed fan had somehow gotten my number. "Here goes nothing." I pressed the button to check my voice mail, fully expecting to hear the voice of a potential stalker.
"Hey kid, its Jerry Fogel, give me a call back!"
I paused before playing the next message. "Jerry Fogel? The sitcom actor from the sixties? That can't be." I played the next message.
"Jerry Fogel again, call me."
I played the next message.
"Jerry Fogel, give me a call champ."
I contemplated playing the remaining five messages. Still not totally aware of the caller's intent I decided to play them.
"Not sure if you got my messages or not, just checking. Oh its Jerry Fogel. Call me."
"Hey, Jerry Fogel again. I thought I heard you pick up at the end of my last message. No? Well call me kid."
"Jerry Fogel, big time sports agent, ready to make you a star, give me a call hotshot."
"Hey sport, Jerry Fogel calling you back again just che..."
I pressed delete. I had gotten the idea. I went over to the refrigerator and checked for something to eat, but I hadn't yet had the proper time to go grocery shopping after moving into my new apartment. I would have to settle on cereal. I found a large salad bowl and poured my entire box of Rice Krispies in. I then went back to the fridge and poured what milk I had. I took my bowl and sat in the only chair I had. I positioned it in front of my brand new fifty two inch television. I realized I would need to get my priorities in order soon. For now though, I was content to enjoy my cereal. As I was flipping through channels my phone rang again.
"Hello."
"Hey superstar, Jerry Fogel here. Not sure if you got my messages, but I'm ready to make you a big time star!"
I paused for a moment. "I'm sorry do I know you?"
"No kid you don't, but I want to change that. I can make you the biggest star in the business today. I only represent the best, and when your name was suggested to me, I knew I had to snatch you up."
Again, I took a moment to think over my words, still not sure what to make of the situation. "Wait, someone recommended me to you? Who? And how did you get my number?"
Without missing a beat, Jerry had his own answers. "None of that is important. What you need to know is I can have your face on every billboard and in every magazine. I can get you your own video game. Your name will be in lights!"
"Why would anyone want my face on anything? I'm not really an attractive guy."
"Haha, a future star and still modest. I like you kid. Pay no mind to looks, Jay-Z is one of the biggest stars on the planet and he looks like he is having an allergic reaction to shellfish."
I chuckled a little. "Ha, you have a point. Still, who do I know that would recommend me to an agent?"
"You got moxy, I like that. I'll come clean. Your friend Garrett told me about you."
"I don't know a Garrett. How did you get my number?"
"That isn't important. What is important is your image. Ladies love nerds. Don't believe me, check this out, sending you a pic."
A few seconds later I received a picture from Jerry.
"See they put it on a t-shirt. You can't just put anything you want on a shirt."
I pause, literally at a loss for words. Fortunately Jerry keeps going.
"So tell me Mikey McGwire, Big Mac-ey, are you down or do I need to sweeten this deal?"
"Hold up. One, I still have no clue how you got my number. Two, what deal? You haven't offered anything concrete."
"Sweet, a hard sell, I like them hard, kind of like my girlfriend. I'm just joking, I don't have a girlfriend...that I'm willing to acknowledge. Your buddy Garrett called me up, said I should take a look at you. You are a lot to look at, but I like what I see. He gave me your number, got it out of your friend Saboteur's notebook."
I cut him off at the end of his sentence. "Hang on, how did Saboteur get my number? Actually I don't want to know." I shut off the TV and lock the door, before creeping over to the window and checking the street below.
"All you need to know is after your match with The New Church and Grand Mistake this week, you are gonna Stormrage Splash so many women they are be calling you Mikey ****erage."
I continue to creep around my apartment, checking behind curtains and under tables, oblivious to what Jerry is saying. "Yeah, sure whatever, sounds good."
"Right on daddy-o fatty-o. I have arranged for you to show up at Saxoteur Tower this afternoon."
"I thought it was Sabton Tower?"
"When I'm done with you they will call it Saxoteurrage tower. Trust me Action Saxtatory, Sabbroteur, and Mikey Dormraid are going to take over WZCW."
"Hang on, Dormraid? What does that even mean?"
"It means you are going to have so many hot chicks it will be like you raided a women's dorm. Yeah, the nicknames don't always fit, so roll with it. I will see you this afternoon Mikey Minaj!"
When I arrived several hours later my mind wasn't focused solely on the meeting. I was still focused on The New Church and Grand Mystique. Revenge was at the front of my mind, but I had to think of how. My time in the company has had its share of history making moments. I was involved in the first tables, ladders, and chairs match. I had beaten the longest reigning championship team in history. I was part of the first team to capture tag gold twice. Despite that success, I have had zero success against The New Church. From a straight up loss, to a losing effort while teaming with them, to the attacks at the two most recent pay-per-views. On top of that Grand Mystique was just that, a mystery. The desire for vengeance should have been enough to drive me, but I had yet to step into the ring against anyone larger than me.
As I approached the tower a man shorter than myself with messy brown hair approached me and offered me his hand. "Hi, I'm Garrett. Sorry to bring you out here like this, but since you are teaming with the guys this week, I felt it best that you try to work out your differences."
I shook his hand while allowing my eyes to wonder up the seemingly endless tower. "I suppose we had to get it out of the way eventually. Where is Jerry by the way? I figured he would be here with bells on."
"He is inside, come on, I'll take you up and we can wait for Saxton and Saboteur to get back."
"Oh, where are they?" I asked, somewhat nervously.
"It isn't so much where are they, as when are they. They told me they were going back in time. I'm not sure to where."
I gave him a quizzical look as we walk inside and step into a waiting elevator. As we travel upstairs I can't shake my uneasy feeling. I wasn't sitting front pew in the Bridge to Salvation Church, but I was still technically in enemy territory. The elevator came to a stop, and before I stepped out I could hear familiar voices.
"That jive raptor thought he was going to take a chunk out of me, my kung-fu grip shut him up quick."
"Yeah, but did we have to leave before I finished putting the saddle on the triceratops?"
"Fool, you tired to milk it! You can't milk reptiles. Not even we can change the laws of science."
"I wanted to try dinosaur milk."
As I step into the room, Saboteur and Saxton notice me. Saboteur quickly dives behind a desk and peaks over the top, while Saxton stands his ground. I wave at them, not knowing exactly how to react.
"What is this sucka doing here? Come to gloat over beating us? Well you can gloat to my fists."
"Saxton, let me handle this. I know how to talk to people." Saboteur motions for Garrett to come over. "Garrett, get over here."
Saboteur whispers something in Garrett's ear.
"Saboteur says you need to leave."
I shake my head and roll my eyes before speaking to Saboteur. "I'm not leaving, we are teammates this week."
Saboteur turns around, refusing to look my direction. Saxton walks over and takes a seat in a chair close to Garrett. "Garrett, tell Saboteur that he isn't leaving."
Garrett whispers in Saboteur's ear. After a moment to think Saboteur whispers back. "Saboteur says you really hurt when you sat on him. Also he isn't happy that you ducked when he tried to hit you, he says when he landed in the stands a fan spilled soda on his outfit."
"Tell Saboteur it was a fight. Plus Saxton twisted my nipples, that hurt like hell."
Both Saxton and Saboteur start to laugh. "That was pretty funny."
"About as funny as when I stabbed you in the chest with a chair?"
With that Saxton and I were standing toe to toe. Saboteur had pulled up a chair. "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Just as things were about to boil over Jerry walked through the door.
"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. We are going to have to start calling you Reaction Saxton if you keep that up."
"Tell me, why is this fool here? I don't remember inviting him. Saboteur, did you invite him?" Saboteur shakes his head no. "Well then, why is he here?"
"Calm down. I invited him. Not only do you guys need to work together to beat The Eww Church and Bland Mystique. Plus think of the marketing Saxoteurrage can bring in. They are gonna call you Transaction Saxton, cause you are gonna be making big bucks."
"Sucka, stop with the names and get on with it."
"Think about it. The ladies already love Saxton, and the ladies don't hate Saboteur, though if you don't stop staying up late watching Taxi reruns and eating ice cream they are gonna start calling you Flaboteur, am I right?" Saxton, Saboteur, and myself all shook our heads annoyed."Now you add Mikey Stormrage, everyone's favorite nerd, and you will be rolling in so many ladies and so much cash you won't know what to do with them. Diamonds, pearls, emeralds. You name it you got it. You are going to be polishing the pearls with ladies all day."
Saxton takes a moment to rub his chin. "Saxton does love the ladies. However, how do you figure this fat nerd is gonna get ladies?"
Jerry walks over and puts his arm around Saxton. "Mikey, show him the picture."
I roll my eyes and take my phone out of my pocket. Saxton looks over the picture, before calling Saboteur over to look as well.
"That makes sense, it is on the shirt, the shirt wouldn't lie. I mean..." Saboteur quickly runs over to Garrett and whispers in his ear again.
"Saboteur says it makes sense. That the shirt wouldn't lie. However he has reservations about allowing him to stay. He is going to have to think it over."
I throw my hands up, frustrated. "I'm going outside, when you make a decision send someone after me. I have to think about a potential new partner and what I'm going to do with my career at this point. I don't have time for this."
I walked to the elevator and pressed the button to go to the ground floor. At this point I wasn't even thinking about revenge, I was worried I was going to be in a match with partners I wasn't sure I could trust. The elevator came to a stop and as the doors opened I stepped out into a vast hallway. I looked around and saw a janitor mopping and approached him, hoping for directions to the exit. I tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around I was shocked to see Saboteur in a janitor outfit, complete with a "Janoteur" name tag.
"You lost sir?"
"I thought you weren't talking to me Sabotuer? And how did you beat me down here? Actually I'm probably better off not knowing. How do I get out of here?
"Oh I'm not Saboteur, I'm Janoteur." He points to his name tag. Just straight through that door." He pointed to a door at the opposite end of the hall.
As I made my way to the door I happened to look back and Saboteur was gone. I shook my head in disbelief and opened the door. To my surprise there was Saboteur again, this time dressed as a receptionist. I rolled my eyes and approached him. I'm not playing Saboteur, how do I get out of here. Unlike you I don't have time for games. I have a tag team championship to think about and a match to prepare for."
I'm not Saboteur, I'm Greeteur. I'm actually on break right now though. If you need directions you can go back up to the top and ask Mr. Saboteur and Mr. Saxton yourselves."
I hang my head and grumble to myself as I head back to the elevator. After a ride back to the top I find Saboteur and Garrett are still in the room engaging in a game of Patty Cake.
"I hate to interrupt guys, but how do I get out of here?"
Saboteur whispers in Garrett's ear. "Saboteur wants me to tell you to take the elevator back down and you will be fine. He also wants me to tell you not to eat anything."
"Tell Saboteur he was just talking to me downstairs."
Garrett turns and whispers to Saboteur. "He said that wasn't him, You were talking to the janitor and receptionist, and you were very rude to him, I mean them."
I roll my eyes and head back to the elevator. At this point I didn't care about the match, my revenge, my titles, or anything, other than getting out of this place. As the elevator stops and the doors ding I step out into another long desolate hallway, with a solitary door at the end. As I open the door I walk out into what appears to be an underground parking garage, but a lack of light makes it hard to tell. Just as I am about to turn around I hear a car approaching. Eventually I can make it out to be a limousine. It stops and out steps Saboteur, dressed in a chauffeurs outfit. He pulls out a sign that reads "STORMRAGE" and looks around. I approach him and he opens the door to the rear of the limo. "Hello Mr. Stormrage. I'm Chauffteur, Mr. Saxton and Mr. Saboteur's personal driver. I'll take you to your car now."
"This is going to be a long week."
Signal Panic, Inc. Presents
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"Rumble In The Jungle!"
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"Rumble In The Jungle!"
Dino Times indeed! And damn, was it hot. Boiling, even. Hot enough to fry an egg on a sidewalk, if sidewalks had been invented in dino times. It was at the very least hot enough to fry an egg on a stegosaurus. The humidity in the air was choking, with the sun shining through the thick canopy of lush dino-time vegetation. Steam curled up through the cracks in the dino-time ground, just barely missing turning a bunch of dino babies into dino-fritters.
However, no jive-ass jungle is too hot for our heroes, Action Saxton and Saboteur, even if it was in dino-times. The two stared at their non-functional time machine box, barely even noticing the heat baking their brains into pizzas.
"So here was are, sucka," says Action Saxton, glaring at the box.
"Yep," replied Saboteur.
"Dino times."
"That's what it seems like."
Action Saxton walks over to the box and tries pressing the Go button. The box whirs and splutters, but otherwise stays resolutely still. Saxton harrumphs through his moustache.
"Why in the hell did you not think to bring extra Fluxtonium?" asks Saxton. "What is the first thing you learn in Time Travel School?"
Saboteur looks taken aback. "I never went to Time Travel School!"
Action Saxton sighs. "That explains a whole lot."
"Hey!"
"Sorry, sucka, but considering you didn't even bring no extra Fluxtonium, I'm betting you didn't even know there was such a thing as Time Travel School."
Saboteur's mask contorts as he scowls. "We'd have plenty of Fluxtonium if the time machine hadn't taken us back so far."
"And that is neither here nor there," responds Saxton. "What's here is us, and what's there is not us, since we're stuck in Dino Times with no way to get back!"
The gravity of their situation settles upon the two men. They sigh.
"Well, there's no use standing around here doing nothing," Saboteur says. "If we want to get out, we need to find Littlefoot."
"Who?" Saxton asks.
"Littlefoot," Saboteur says again. "He's a tiny adorable dinosaur with some tiny adorable friends and they can help us escape."
Action Saxton claps Saboteur heartily on the back. "Damn, sucka, why didn't you tell me you was friends with dinosaurs too? We'll be out of here in no time!"
He strolls off, whistling the jaunty theme tune to Jungle Boogie 2. Saboteur walks fast to catch up.
"Now, I don't know where Littlefoot is," he says, "but luckily our training session with Hunter Kravinoff taught me a few tricks when it comes to tracks."
Saboteur reaches into his spandex and roots around for several uncomfortable moments before pulling out an incredibly large magnifying glass. He reaches into his spandex again and after even more uncomfortable digging, retrieves a comically large deerstalker hat that he places on his head. After several failed attempts to smoke a pipe, he gives up on that venture and bends very low to the ground. He holds the magnifying glass in front of his face, and stares.
"A ha!" he exclaims. Saxton rushes to his tag partner's side to see what he is pointing at. "Tracks!"
Indeed, the two wrestlers found themselves staring at a set of tracks leading off into the distance that were unmistakebly made by a dinosaur.
"For a sucka called 'Littlefoot', these are some pretty big tracks," Saxton says.
"It's all in the context, my dear Saxton," Saboteur replies. "If we were to compare these feet to the feet of you or me, then these would be large, but if we were to compare this footprint to, say, something with really big feet, then these would be pretty small feet."
"Sucka, I'll have you know my feet are plenty big, just like my-"
But Saboteur isn't listening, as he's already started tracking the tracks in his search for Littlefoot. Saxton shrugs and walks alongside his friend, examining the scenery and the giant flying dinosaurs in the sky.
"You know, sucka," says Saxton. "I knew a dino family once."
Saboteur doesn't seem to acknowledge his presence, focused as he is on tracking, but this doesn't stop the Badass Brother.
"Damn nice family they was. I used to go over to their house for dinner sometimes. They had a momma, and a daddy, and three kids. I met them at a carnival, huge and colorful and loud place it was. They needed some cotton candy but had spent their money on the rides, so I went up to them and I said 'Hey there, dinosuckas, need a hand?' and the daddy waved his short-ass arms around and roared a roar which in dino language means 'Hell yeah we need a hand'. I was more than happy to make those little dino-kids happy and get them their cotton candy."
"Did it pay off for you?" asks Saboteur, still staring at the ground intently and walking forward.
"Hell yeah it did," Saxton replies. "You see, later that night I was gravely wounded in a fierce battle with the half-man, half-jaguar, half-wrestler King Jaguar, and I found myself crawling around for shelter. I happened to stumble across the bungalow this dino family had taken residence in, and they let me in and cared for me, and when I went in for a rematch against King Jaguar, you better believe I whooped his ass with dino thunder on my side!"
Action Saxton finishes his story, and smiles. "Those were some damn good times. How did you meet your dinosaur friends?"
Saboteur still doesn't look up from tracking. "I saw them in a movie once."
"What?"
"I have all thirteen of them on VHS."
Saxton stops. Saboteur doesn't.
"Do you mean to tell me," says Saxton, quietly but angrily, "that we are tracking some goofy-ass dinos that might not even exist?"
"No, they exist," Saboteur replies. "I'm tracking them right now, and if my intuition is correct, they should be very close. This is the last track!"
Saboteur squats down and stares very hard at the final dinosaur track through his giant magnifying glass.
"Uh, sucka..." says Action Saxton, slowly.
"Now let's see, if I were Littlefoot, where would I go..." says Saboteur, taking no notice of Saxton.
"Sucka, I think you should stop staring at that track."
"I might go through the bushes...but if I did, there would be more tracks to follow..."
"Saboteur..."
"Maybe I'd - Oh, I know! I'd probably be hiding behind this scaly green tree!"
"Dammit, Saboteur, look up!" roars Saxton. Slowly, Saboteur puts his magnifying glass away and looks up.
Standing at over 700 feet tall, weighing in tonight at way too many pounds to count, was a very large, very green, and very scaly tyrannosaurus rex.
Saboteur squeals, jumping into Saxton's arms. Saxton drops him.
"That's what I've been trying to warn you about, sucka!" hisses Saxton. "We're at the foot of a damn dinosaur!"
He squints at the T-Rex from afar.
"But it don't look like he has any eyes, so we might be safe."
"Zoinks!" exclaims Saboteur. "A dnosaur!"
Saxton stares at his partner for a moment before shaking his head. "As long as we don't make no noises or sudden movements," he whispers, "I think we'll be able to sneak away."
The dinosaur starts to growl. Our heroes stand as straight as possible, not daring to move an inch. After a moment, the dinosaur snorts and turns away.
"It's okay," Saboteur whispers. "I don't think he saurus."
"So here's the plan," Saxton says, "I have been honing my secret kung-fu technique Dinosaurimi Bisectorini for such an occasion, and I think it's time to bust that baby out. So when I see an opening, I'm gonna chop that sucka in two."
"You can't do that!" says Saboteur. "Animal cruelty will get us thrown off the air!"
"Damn!" Saxton said. "You're right!"
Suddenly, the dnosaur roared, its powerful voice shaking the very earth beneath our heroes' feet. Saboteur sprung several feet into the air and took off running the other way.
"Dammit, Saboteur!" called Saxton after him. "Get the hell back here!"
Sighing angrily, Saxton runs to catch up with his partner.
"Big," says Saboteur, panting heavily.
"Yeah, sucka, those are dinosaurs for you."
"Not little."
"No, that's why they're monster lizards. Show me your foot."
Saxton reaches down and yanks Saboteur's foot to eye-level. "Hey!"
"Damn, damn, damn!" mutters Saxton, very angrily.
Embedded in the mud on Saboteur's feet, glistening green and gold and black, was a butterfly, very beautiful and very dead.
"We have to get back," says Saxton.
"We can't get back," says Sabotuer, yanking his foot away from Saxton's grip. "You didn't let me find Littlefoot, and we don't have any Fluxtonium."
Action Saxton swore, and sat down on the grass to think. In the distance, the dnosaur roars. The Badass Brother hasn't been sitting down for a minute when he hops right back up.
"I've got it!" he says. Saboteur looks at him, curiously. "Why the hell didn't I think of this before?"
He points at Saboteur.
"Sucka, I have just recalled that the dino family told me something very, very important when they were nursing me back to health. They told me that dinosaurs like themselves secrete a very special kind of chemical compound inside their bodies that no other creature on this Earth can secrete."
"Pizza sauce?"
"Ye- No, not pizza sauce! Fluxtonium! Dinosaurs naturally produce Fluxtonium!"
"And we can harvest it and power our time machine!" says Saboteur. "So, how do dinosaurs produce Fluxtonium and when can I start stabbing them?"
Action Saxton rubs his manly chiseled chin.
"That is going to be a problem," he says. "You see, Fluxtonium is produced in a dinosaur's intestines. And that means..."
He trails off. Saboteur stares at him incomprehending, before it suddenly hits him.
"Ew, no, what, no, no way, nuh-uh, no comprendo ingles," he says, his head shaking faster and faster. "Nein, nicht, nyet, iie, nosiree, there is no way I am shoving my katanas up a dino's- Wait!"
The light of adventure shines in Saboteur's eyes. He bends down and starts drawing in the dirt.
"Saxton, do you have our emergency giant slab of cardboard?"
Saxton reaches into the back pocket of his pants and withdraws an emergency giant slab of cardboard. He tosses it to Saboteur.
"Okay," says Saboteur, taking an equally large Sharpie from his spandex. "Here's what we're going to do..."
----
"Sucka, do you think this is going to work?"
"It worked when I tried it on Geraldo Rivera, so I don't see why it wouldn't here!"
The two tag team partners stand outside a shoddily-constructed cardboard hut containing a very large bucket. A sign has been pinned to the top with large, childlike letters written in Sharpie on it reading "T-REX BATHЯOOM". Saxton nods.
"Okay, sucka, I trust you," he says, "but if this flops we're going with my plan."
There is a loud roar in the distance.
"Here he comes," hisses Saxton, tugging Saboteur into the bushes. "Let's seewhat your goofy-ass plan does."
The roar comes closer and closer, shaking the bushes where the tag team is hiding. Soon, the trees to the west part, and the dnosaur comes stomping around the site.
"C'mon," urges Saboteur as the T-Rex sniffs around the T-Rex Bathroom. "C'mon, just a little closer..."
But it is not meant to be, as the dnosaur snorts, turns, and walks away.
"Aw man," groans Saboteur. "It didn't work!"
"Of course it didn't, sucka!" says Saxton. "How the hell is he supposed to see the T-Rex Bathroom when he don't got no eyes?"
He sighs.
"You still got the DinoLax and the DinoSaddles?"
"I never leave home without them!" Saboteur exclaims, pulling said items from his spandex.
"Good," Saxton replies. "It's time we try out Plan B."
----
The tag team partners stand side-by-side, each with a chunk of DinoLax in their hands, staring at the large winged lizards in their path. The pterodactyls lick their lips, hungrily.
"Okay, sucka," says Saxton, "we rehearsed this. I'm going to attempt to communicate, we feed them the Lax, and when they aren't looking, we put the saddles on them. Got it?"
"Got it," Saboteur responds.
"And don't try to milk them like you did with the triceratops."
"I was curious!"
"Sucka, if you want to be curious we can come back here on Field Trip Day. Right now is the time for action!"
Action Saxton clears his throat. He walks up to the pterodactyls and stars them straight in the eye. From deep within his chest comes a guttural screeching sound. The pterodactyls start flapping their wings and screeching as well. Slowly, they walk forward and grab the DinoLax from Saxton and Saboteur's hands.
"Now!" roars Saxton, throwing the saddle over a pterodactyl. Next to him, Saboteur does the same. The two swing their legs over the beast's backs and tug the reins, sending them soaring high into the sky. After several moments of bucking and swaying, the rides smooth out. Saxton looks over at Saboteur, who is clinging to his pterodactyl for dear life.
"What's wrong, sucka?" calls Saxton. "Didn't you go to dino-riding school?"
"O- Of course I did!" Saboteur calls back.
"Then why don't you know how to ride a pterodactyl?"
"I spent all my class time sitting in the back and writing fanmail to Sally Field!"
The two soar across the sky, keeping a keen eye out for their time machine. Finally, Saxton's eagle eyes spot it.
"There!"
Just in time, too, as the pterodactyls seem to be getting a bit green around the gills. With a steady barrage of kung-fu from Saxton and strikes best described as "bopping" from Saboteur, the pterodactyls unloaded their cargo straight onto the time machine, causing it to glow green as it sucked up the energy from the dino-droppings, vaporizing the waste.
"Are you ready?" asks Saxton.
"Here we go!" Saboteur replies.
The two stand on their pterodactyls and dive towards the time machine which is glowing brighter and brighter...
----
"-oing to work!" Garrett says.
The three look around the room of Saxton/Saboteur Tower.
"That was amazing!" Saxton whoops. "We rode dinosaurs!"
"We nearly fooled a dnosaur!" Saboteur exclaims.
"We kicked some ass!"
"We drew a big sign!"
"Garrett, where the hell were you, man?" Saxton claps Garrett on the back. "That had to have been our best adventure yet!"
"What are you guys talking about?" asks Garrett. "This is still a box."
Saboteur and Saxton stare at each other, and then at Garrett.
"Wow, Garrett!" he says. "When did you grow that moustache? It's positively luxurious!"
Garrett stares at Saboteur, strangely. "I've always had this..."
"I don't know, sucka," says Saxton, squinting at Garrett. "You definitely did not have that incredibly silky smooth and manly moustache when we left."
"But you guys never- Whatever," Garrett sighs. "Look, someone's at the tower door. You can go time-hopping if you want, I'll be right back."
He leaves the room. Saxton and Saboteur stare at each other.
"You know, Saboteur," says Saxton, slowly. "We know some very strange people."
Saboteur nods in agreement and flips cardboard switches once more.
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