The Millennium Cadillac is pulled into the landing bay of the Death Ball, and our jive heroes suddenly aint looking so hot.
Sax, Im scared! squeals Princess Marceline.
Shut your crazy ass up, woman, barks Chewalvin, before I rip the buns right out of your hair!
Han Saxton grabs Chewalvin by the throat and slams him against the wall of the Millennium Cadillac.
Aint nobody going to talk to my woman like that, sucka!
Luke Saboteur throws himself into the action, pulling Saxton off of Chewalvin.
Hey! Nobody talks to my sidekick like that except me!
Hes my sidekick in this fantasy, sucka!
You know, Saxton, Ive had it up to here with you! First you take my font color, now youre taking my sidekick. Next thing I know, youll be taking my roommate, R2Garret2!
First of all, I dont know whatchu talkin about with this font color mumbo jumbo. Second of all, Action Saxton takes what he wants, and after he takes Darth Alhazred and King Dooku in this adventure, he wants the Emperor. Ty Burna, Im commin for you
Before Saxton could finish his rant, there is a loud pounding on the door of the Millennium Cadillac.
Come out with your hands in the air!
The demand coming from the outside of the spaceship breaks the tension between the two heroes, but raises a new concern for Han Saxton.
Watch it knucklehead, youll chip my paint job!
Theres an army of Suckatroopers outside the ship, Princess Marceline says in a panic, what are we gonna do Sax?
Oh gahhhhd! laments Chewalvin, I knew I should have become a singer like my brothers. Why did I have to become a space adventurer!
Dont worry sweetheart, a now vest wearing Luke Saboteur says to Princess Marceline, Han Saboteur will save you.
Get off my woman, and give me my vest back! Saxton rebukes. And dont worry baby, Han Saxton has a plan.
---------------------
The army of a few dozen Suckatroopers remain outside of the Millennium Cadillac.
So
these guys are chumps, right? Like, theyve never beaten anyone supremely powerful or anything, right? one Suckatrooper asks another.
Before the other Suckatrooper can respond, the door comes flying off the Millennium Cadillac crushing four Suckatroopers underneath it.
Oh its hammer time bitches! screams Saxton as he lets loose a war cry.
The Suckatroopers open fire on Han Saxton, but Luke Saboteur leaps in front of his ally and deflects the lasers with his Lightkatana right back at the Suckatroopers.
You cant touch this, losers!
The few remaining Suckatroopers start charging towards the heroic duo, but Saxton counters them with a charge of their own.
Ring the bell, schools back in! screams Saxton as he barrels through the Suckatroopers.
Jeeze, MC Hammer hasnt gotten this much action since the 90s, Saboteur mumbles to himself.
With the Suckatroopers lying in shambles, Saxton and Saboteur look each other with a look of mutual admiration.
Good job taking out those last through Suckatroopers, Han.
And thanks for saving my hide with your fancy lightkatana work there, Luke.
Yeah, if it werent for me, youd have been toast!
Saxtons happy face quickly sours as Saboteur insinuates he saved Saxtons life, Well I wouldnt go that far, sucka! Han Saxton can take care of himself! Now lets get out of here. We cant blow up the Death Ball from inside, were going to need to find a little hole on the outside of the hull if we want to blow this joint right properly.
Saboteurs mood quickly turns as well. Are you crazy? Were already inside! I say we plant a bomb in the reactor and knock this ball out of the park!
Saxton replies, Oh? And where do you propose we get a bomb?
I usually have one on my person, says Saboteur as he pats around his body. Maybe I left it in my other pair of spandex.
It wont matter, says a mysterious voice, Because that will be your last corny pun.
Saboteur and Saxton look at each other simultaneously and then back at the mysterious man.
Well well well, if it isnt Darth Alhazred. Bad ass entrance, but do you really think you can take on both of us? Saboteur says confidently.
He wont have to, says King Dooku, who sneaks into the scene behind Alhazred.
The last thing this party needed is your generic ass, sucker!
Nevertheless, Alhazred sneers, if you want to leave the Death Ball alive, youll have to get through us first.
And with that, Darth Alhazred charges his Force Glove and King Dooku
Wait, what does he do again? Saboteur asks Saxton.
He gets his ass kicked by Han Saxton, thats wussup!
Well then, Saboteur says as he unsheathes his lightkatana, LEEEEROOOOYY
Chill sucka! You already used that joke!
Oh, yeah
well, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOUUUUUUUU!!!
And with that, Han Saxton and Luke Saboteur engage in battle with King Dooku and Darth Alhazred respectively.
Luke Saboteur barely reaches Darth Alhazred by the time the fiend has unleashed a powerful lightning blast with his force glove. Saboteur deflects the lightning with his lightkatana and keeps pressing forward, forcing Alhazred to retreat. The Force Glove Menace takes of running, and Luke Saboteur chases in pursuit.
Alright sucka, do you want your beating all at once, or do you want it in 10 easy payments of pain? Saxton says as he prepares to go fist to fist with King Dooku.
Quit underestimating me! hollers King, Im not just Alhazreds sidekick you know!
Im tired of hearing you talk sucka, how about I help you shut up!
Saxton follows up on his offer with a devastating punch right into the nose of King, which sends him flying backwards through a wall of the Death Ball.
I can dig it, hell yes I can dig it! Saxton shouts, excited as he engages in his all time favorite past time.
Saxton follows Kings trail and takes a step through the King shaped hole in the wall, but quickly realizes King is nowhere to be found. He reaches a painful realization that King was right behind him, though, when hes smacked in the back of the head by a piece of broken wall by King. Saxton is knocked out cold by the huge blow, and King stands proudly over his victory.
Meanwhile, Saboteur has managed to chase down Alhazred, meeting him in the reactor room of the Death Ball.
Tell me, Saboteur, Alhazred calmly says to his enemy, do you know who your father is?
Yeah, why?
Because Saboteur, I AM your
wait, you do?
Yeah, my dad and I had a great relationship. We played baseball, built Legos
you know, pretty typical stuff.
Youre surprisingly disturbed for having such a normal childhood.
Thanks, Saboteur blushes, I get that a lot.
Well youll also be getting a blast of energy! screams Alhazred as he hits Saboteur square in the chest with an energy blast from his force glove, sending the spandex-clad hero flying over the railing of the reactor bridge.
And that is that, says Alhazred proudly. He turns and walks away from the bridge, content with his work. What he doesnt notice, however, is a gloved hand whose fingertips just barely clutch the edge of the bridge.
Hey, dont leave me hanging! Saboteur jokes to himself while gripping the bridge for dear life, And he said I had made my last pun!
---------------
Saxton awakens, but his vision is blurred and he cant figure out where he is.
Aw sheeeiiiit, I musta gone drank too much again, my head is killin me!
That would be my noble henchmans doing, Mr. Saxton, a dark, disturbed voice says. As Saxtons vision starts to clear he realizes he is kneeling in front of none other than Emperor Burna.
Aw hellll no, not this sucka! Saxton roars as he attempts to get to his feet and charge the Emperor, but he quickly falls to the ground as he is bound in Laser Chains.
King Dooku and Emperor Burna laugh maniacally as Saxton struggles.
You fool, says Emperor Burna, If you couldnt even beat my minions, how do you suppose you can beat me?
Motha sucka jumped me from behind. In a fair fight that mofos ass would be grass, and Id be a sleek black lawn mower!
Before Emperor Burna can respond, Darth Alhazred enters the throne room.
And where have you been? Where is Luke Saboteur?! Emperor Burna demands of Alhazred.
Never fear my lord, I have disposed of Saboteur. He wont be bothering us with his nonsensical rambling anymore.
Oh is that so? Saboteur screams as he appears that the throne rooms main entrance.
Saboteur?! Emperor Burna panics, I thought you disposed of him!
I blasted him into the depths of the reactor room, theres no way he could have survived! Alhazred replies nervously.
Never fear my lord, I will make up for my partners insolent mistake! King says angrily as he walks toward the lightkatana-wielding Saboteur.
Saboteur confidently responds, I wouldnt do that if I were you, I think you have a much bigger, blacker problem on your hands.
By the time King turns around hes met with a stiff right hook across the face from Han Saxton, knocking him to the ground.
Sucka, aint no lasers can hold a brotha down!
It worked on Mace Windu! Emperor Burna angrily groans.
Fool! Saxton makes Samuel L. Jackson his bitch!
Saboteur walks up next to Saxton and joins his companion, ready to fight the evildoers. King Dooku crawls toward Emperor Burnas throne and Darth Alhazred nervously seeks the protection of his mentor.
Now now, gentlemen, why must we be so violent now when you will be facing my men in a WZCW ring on Ascension? Emperor Burna calmly suggests to his foes.
Wait, Im confused, are we still doing a Star Wars thing? Saboteur replies.
Emperor Burna ignores Saboteur and continues, Youll have your chance to seek revenge on King Dooku and Darth Alhazred for last weeks events, but now is not that time. For now, we will retreat to the Headquarters of Chaos and lick our wounds, but come Saturday, it will be you who will find yourselves on the wrong end of a beating."
Wait, you mean this Death Ball aint the Headquarters of the Empire of Chaos? Saxton asks.
What? No, this is just a giant disco ball I use for my parties, replies Emperor Burna.
I told you, says Saboteur.
Ive had just about enough of you, we will be seeing you on Saturday, says Emperor Burna. With a push of a button, the throne area where Burna, King, and Alhazred stand starts to shake, and it suddenly morphs into an escape ship that launches off into space, leaving Saxton and Saboteur standing in awe of the recent events.
Damn, I was lookin forward to getting some revenge tonight, says Saxton.
Dont worry Han, this Saturday on Ascension well make sure those two suckers get their just desserts.
Wait a second, did you say we?
I sure did, brother, Saboteur says as he extends his hand.
Aw hell yeah, Saxton replies, planting his hand in Saboteurs.
The shot freezes and corny, victory music plays as the credits start to roll. So concludes episode 4 of Star Jams. Our heroes fought most heroically but were unable to defeat their foes. However, they are now more ready than ever to face the challenge that lays before them this Saturday on Ascension.