Signal Panic, Inc. Presents:
Action Saxton
In
Change
It is a beautiful day.
The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. A man and a woman are walking around the mall, the man cheerfully oblivious to the womens disinterest in him. Children are out in the street, playing baseball and punching each other in the nose when not complaining about the heat and asking to go back inside so they can play Call of Duty. Cars rumble lazily along the road as the camera pans along the streets of Scotts Bottom, Wyoming.
Slowly, we get to the town center, where a large throng of people are gathered, staring at a stage covered in red, white, and blue banners and streamers. A large oak podium stands at the front of the stage, itself covered in a large banner proclaiming loudly the words The Choice Of The Badass. And behind that podium is the one and only Action Saxton.
The crowd is full of men and women of the press, taking pictures and chattering loudly. Theyre the same ones from last week, in fact. Some look apprehensive, while others have an expression of pure excitement on their faces. No matter their feelings, all of their voices die down as Action Saxton taps the microphone and clears his exceptionally manly throat.
Now all of you suckas need to listen up!
The crowd, full of people who were already listening up, listens up harder. Many get out their notepads and tape recorders, waiting. Action Saxton interlocks his fingers and leans on the podium, turning the bombshell announcement he is about to make over in his mind.
Last week, in this very town, on this very podium, I made a huge announcement that this week I was going to make a huge announcement that would shock and rock the world of WZCW forever. I mean, this is one huge-ass announcement, suckas. Im a man who once punched a dinosaur into the moon, and size-wise, I would say this announcement is slightly bigger than that. This announcement is bigger than the submarine I piloted in my critically acclaimed film Action Saxton Pilots A Really Big Submarine, larger than the vampire outbreak I destroyed in my best-selling book Action Saxton Lays The Smack Dab On Those Bloodsuckers Asses, and more gargantuan than Alex Bowens collection of My Chemical Romance CDs. The only thing this announcement could be comparable to in size is my charisma and machismo.
In short, suckas, this is an Action Saxton-sized announcement. Not that you would expect anything less.
The members of the press are furiously scribbling in their notebooks, desperate to aid those not able to be there and witness the magic of being at a press conference hosted by the badass brother Action Saxton. He patiently waits for them to finish writing, watching as the men and women with tape recorders shuffle around and murmur among themselves. Never let it be said that Action Saxton does not care about the common man.
In January of this year, I left my full-time job of being a teacher, hero, badass, author, movie star, astronaut, bodyguard, secret agent, saxophonist, professional ladies man, and master and innovator of the slick dance move known as the Flash Funk, to join WZCW and become the hottest and fastest rising star they got. That isnt to say I am no longer a badass, a teacher, ladies man, or the best dancer this side of the King of Pop himself. I just show these in a different way, by flattening suckas in the ring.
For the first few matches my opponents were too scared to come face me, since they knew that I was there to kick some ass and show some class.
Several female members seem to be fantasizing about performing the Flash Funk with Action Saxton, and honestly, who can blame them?
At Apocalypse, I have my shot at winning my first WZCW title, the Mayhem Championship. All I have to do is defeat that sucka Alex Bowen and its mine. Now, of course Im going to kick him in the head so hard hell turn inside out and start listening to polka music, but the Mayhem Championship is only the first goal of mine. Now peel your ears, suckas, and listen closely, because this badass brother is going to make his announcement.
The front row leans forward. The back row tries to become the front row. The people in the middle row are not too fussed either way and are just milling around and craning their necks so they can see. People in high-rise apartments have their heads sticking out of their windows so they can watch from afar. Mission Control in Houston is using its giant TVs to witness this historic event.
The world is watching.
Action Saxton spreads his arms wide.
My announcement, brothers and sisters, is this: After I pound that sucka Alex Bowen to a pulp in WZCWs first ever Barbed Wire Match, Im going straight to the top, one step at a time. I, The Badass Brother Action Saxton, am going to be the first man to win every single championship in WZCW and hold them all at the same time. Im talking the Tag Team championships, the Elite X, the Mayhem, the EurAsian, and of course, the WZCW World Heavyweight Championship. I want the GOLD, suckas, and it will all be mine!
Everyone in WZCW is about to get a piece of the Action whether they like it or not.
The crowd erupts in cheers. The members of the press are frantically scribbling in their notepads, with camera men snapping off pictures at the speed of light. Men and women and children are hugging each other and crying with tears of joy at this bombshell that was just dropped. A group of reporters in suits and ties bum rush the stage, holding their microphones out and screaming for questions as they climb all over each other.
Action Saxton just smiles and shakes his head.
Sorry, suckas, he says to the crowd, which has turned into a big ball of violence. I have a match to train for.
He walks off the stage, leaving the crowd to riot amongst themselves. The scene smoothly transitions into a montage
Action Saxton is shown jumping rope, the sweat dripping off of his burly and muscular body, as women passing by on the street faint in fits of ecstasy. The camera zooms in on his focused facial features and he mouths the number of skips hes up to.
One thousand six hundred and fifty-eight! One thousand six hundred and fifty-nine!
The camera zooms out a small amount, showing exactly what Action Saxton is jumping rope with: A string of barbed wire.
We come to see Action Saxton in his private home dojo, performing kicks and strikes on the punching bags shaped like ninjas that are dotted around the room. After knocking all the punching bags on the perimeter down with a well-timed roundhouse kick, Action Saxton moves to the one in the center. With a kung fu scream, Action Saxton lays into it with the secret ancient Chinese technique, The Black Rain Of One Thousand Backhands From The Future. The punching bag is battered every which way as the rapid-fire fists strike it from every angle.
Finally, Action Saxton stands with his back turned to the punching bag, and drops his hand.
The bag explodes, the barbed wire it was stuffed with flying all over the room in pieces.
Action Saxton looks behind him for the final word as the plane screams across the sky, before soaring out into the sky above Deadman Landing, Florida. The wind rushes past him as he falls from a million feet into the air straight towards the ground. The rush nearly messes up his hair as he contorts his face to withstand the pressure. Faster and faster he goes, achieving a speed that would break the Earth in two were he to hit it. Finally, Action Saxton reaches up and pulls on the ripcord on his parachute back pack.
With a noise like a watermelon playing an accordion, the parachute pops out. It is made entirely of barbed wire, and it helps Action Saxton float slowly down to the ground.
We see Action Saxton with a rare smile on his face, the charm turned all the way up as he easily impresses his lady friend. The candles are burning, the lights are low, and the atmosphere is just right as the Badass Brother pours some of only the finest red wine into two glasses. He puts one on the end of the table off-camera and raises his own.
A toast, he says. To that sucka Alex Bowen, and how Im going to knock his brains out.
He raises his glass to his lips as the camera pans over to see who his date is.
It is a roll of barbed wire.
The morning opens with Action Saxton eating a bowl of unusually crunchy cereal, without any milk. He smiles as he reads in the paper the news of his blockbuster announcement, knowing that everything is about to change. Finishing his cereal and his story, the Man of Action stands up and stretches, before heading to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get dressed for the day. The camera zooms in on the box of cereal sitting on the table.
Barbed Wire-Os!: Now with marshmallow bites!
The music fades as a familiar 1968 Cadillac Coupe De Ville screeches into the parking lot of the stadium where WZCW Apocalypse is about to take place, and Action Saxton steps out, dressed to compete in the match he has tonight. He stares down the big building with hunger and longing in his eyes.
He cracks his knuckles and smiles, his mind clear and focused.
Alex Bowen
he says. Im coming for you, sucka.
And he kicks open the door and walks into the building, just in time for the Apocalypse.
