Signal Panic, Inc. presents
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"Hair Scare!"
It was another fine Winter's day in the city that Saxton/Saboteur Tower called home. The sun shone, the breeze blew, the birds sang, the icy sidewalks and roads caused passerby to trip and fall head-over-heels and drop whatever secret government documents they may have been holding. Yes, all was right with the world, at least on the outside.
On the inside, the mood in Saboteur/Saxton Tower was one of profound mental struggle. You see, the duo had some very important decisions to make, decisions that could affect their future, and the lives of those they cared about. Hell, these decisions were the type of decision that science fiction wrote as the turning point towards a bright future or a desolate end of days.
Action Saxton and
Saboteur may have been no strangers to making the difficult decisions when it came down to it, but these decisions, man, these decisions were profound.
"
Now should I use the blue shampoo," mused Saxton, "
or the red shampoo?"
Inside the official Saxton/Saboteur Office & Shower Complex, Action Saxton stood in the shower room, naked. Luckily, the scene was tastefully shot so you could see only his top half, much to the disappointment of WZCW's female fans across the globe. That said, even Action Saxton's top half is panty-dropping delicious. But still, the implication was there. Not only was he naked, Action Saxton's luxurious afro looked quite worse for wear, covered in condiments from his match on Ascension. Many differently-colored bottles of shampoo littered the shower shelf, all upturned and clearly empty. Action Saxton glared at the last few remaining shampoos and reached out for the red one, pouring it in his afro, turning the water back on, and scrubbing vigorously.
The condiments still did not come out.
Action Saxton roared angrily and pounded the wall with a fist.
"
Don't break the wall!" came Saboteur's voice from the other room. "
I already spent our New Wall budget for this month!"
----
In the Office portion of the official Saxton/Saboteur Office & Shower Complex was Saboteur himself, and he was not alone. You see, he was in the process of making incredibly important, life-changing decisions as well, and for that, he called upon some help from his friends. Or perhaps they inserted themselves into the equation. Nevertheless, Saboteur was flanked by
Jerry Fogel and
Garrett as he pored over some important legal documents all bearing the WZCW logo. Saboteur wore a large pair of horn-rimmed glasses and his mask was clearly sweating as he stared at the number on the form.
"
They want us to pay for damages!" he moaned.
"
Yes, we heard you the first time," Garrett responded.
"
It's not even a small number!" Saboteur continued. "
It's a big number! A really big number!"
He slumped in his chair and allowed a strangled groan to escape his mask. Jerry clapped him on the shoulder.
"
C'mon, Sab-Bro-Torres!" he said, smiling. "
Don't be so glum, chum! C'mon, I'll talk to these bigwigs and knock off a few zeroes."
"
But it's a really, really big number," Saboteur replied.
"
And I've got a really, really big wallet!" Jerry said. "
Look, what you need to get focused on is competing in this battle bowl and showing Ally McBeal and Just Cooped Up what you are made of! C'mon, think about it - Saboteur and Action Saxton, two time tag team champions. Whaddya say?"
Saboteur tapped a pen against his mouth area. "
That does sound pretty nice..."
"
What about Mikey Stormrage?" Garrett asked.
"
What about him, Gar-Bear?" Jerry asked.
"
Please don't call me that..." muttered Garrett.
"
Gary Busey? Garrett Barrage? The Big GT?"
"
Look," Garrett interrupted Jerry's string of nicknames and looked at Saboteur, "
all I'm saying is that sure, you guys can focus on the tag team championships, but I think helping Mikey with his revenge is just as important!"
"
What's a revenge?" Saboteur asked.
Garrett sighed and rolled his eyes. "
Re-wen-gey."
Saboteur's mask lit up at the recognized word. "
Oh, right, yeah, I mean those New Church jerks did mess us up as much as him."
"
But the championships, Sabo L. Jackson!" Jerry pleaded. "
You'll never have to worry about the big numbers again!"
Saboteur slumped onto the table, holding his head.
----
Meanwhile, in the shower, Action Saxton whistled his theme song jauntily as he poured a healthy amount of shampoo from the final bottle into his hair. It was the special super shampoo he saved for special occasions, and it was going to give the condiments in his hair the workout of a lifetime.
The Badass Brother reached up to massage the shampoo through his fine afro. He sunk his fingers through the hair, scrubbing and humming, giving his scalp a full once-over. He cleared his throat, and reached out to turn the water on again.
Or at least, he tried.
"
What the hell?" exclaimed Action Saxton as his hands tugged his afro forward, resolutely stuck to his head. He tried again, yanking his arms and head left and right, this way and that, but to no avail.
"
Dammit," he swore. "
Who the hell put superglue in my best damn shampoo bottle?"
Suddenly, from above his head, there was a loud crash. Action Saxton looked up to see
a ninja dressed in pink come smashing through his ceiling. The ninja made a loud "
HIYAH" noise as he assumed a fighting stance.
"
You may not remember me, Action Saxton," the ninja said, "
but I remember you. You defeated my master, El Habanero, in combat, and you backhanded me to the tune of U Can't Touch This! Ever since then I have been training to finally find you and defeat you! This time, I have the advantage!"
The ninja withdraws holds up a palm, ready to strike. Action Saxton stared at the ninja, naked and with hands stuck in his afro, and groaned.
"
Aw, hell no."
----
In the office, the debate of friend vs. glory was still raging.
"
Think of the money!" Jerry said. "
The prestige! The ladies! C'mon, Sabba-Dabba-Doo, you like ladies, right? Ever wanted to score with one of those hot mamas Saxton pulls?"
"
Well, I..." Saboteur mumbled.
"
But think of Mikey!" Garrett interrupted. "
I know you guys had problems with him in the past, but think of what he could do for your team! Think of how he can help you with re-wen-gey! Think of how great you guys worked together!"
"
Yeah, I guess you're..."
"
But c'mon, Sable!" Jerry pipes up. "
You could ignore him! You have your main man Sax-mo by your side! Two-time champs! Don't you want to hold up your spandex in style?"
"
It is getting cold with my other spandex around my ankles..."
"
But Saboteur, you have a duty!" Garrett pleads. "
You could get your re-wen-gey and work with a guy you've worked with and maybe even show some common human decency to help out a guy's cause."
"
Yeah, he was helpful, I guess..."
Suddenly, their conversation was interrupted by a loud banging from inside the bathroom.
"
Don't break my Wilma toothbrush!" Saboteur called.
----
Inside the bathroom, Action Saxton and the ninja were locked in hand-to-hand combat. Or rather, foot-to-hand combat. Through years of training, Action Saxton managed to train himself in the art of flying feet, and it was damn lucky he did as this pink ninja was giving his legs a workout.
"
You are a formidable foe, Action Saxton!" the ninja said as Saxton's foot kicked away one of his shuriken, "
but you cannot last forever!"
"
That's what all the ladies say to me, sucka!" Saxton barked, catching the ninja's shin with a foot-jab. "
And you know what they say next?"
"
What?" asked the ninja.
The ninja emitted a high-pitched scream as Action Saxton responded with a quick kick to the ninja's groin. Action Saxton's other foot connected with the ninja's skull, causing him to do a backflip and crash into the wall.
"
Now listen up, sucka," Saxton said, looming over the ninja's body, his voice emitting waves of calm rage. "
I ain't exactly the happiest man in the world right now. I am not a tag team champion. I got suckas left and right tryin' to take me out. I am sick and tired of dealing with those fools in The New Church. I have to face those goofy-ass m'suckas Bowen and Cooper on Aftershock. I am naked in the bathroom of a public skyscraper, fighting a pink ninja. And my hands are stuck in my afro."
He kicked the ninja again, but the ninja rolled to one side and stood up.
"
You will die with your hands in your afro," he said, and lunged forward.
----
"
Okay, Sab-bro-na the Teenage Witch," Jerry said, "
it looks like I'm going to have to bring out the big guns to get my point across. I didn't want to have to do this, but you have left me no choice."
He reached under the table and grabbed his briefcase. He opened it and dug around for several minutes. When his hands emerged from inside, Saboteur's eyes lit up.
"
I love finger puppets!" he exclaimed.
"
Of course you do!" Jerry replied. "
Okay, check this out, this one on my pointer is you. Look you can see he looks just like you. You with me?"
Saboteur nodded. Jerry continued.
"
Okay, this one, on my middle finger, is Saxton. Look, he has the headband and everything, and he's black. Looks just like him. Okay, this other puppets on my other hand are Blowen and Blooper. Your opponents. It's funny because they suck. You still following?"
Saboteur nodded even faster. Garrett buried his face in his palms.
"
So here's what you do. You beat them, like this..."
Jerry smushed the two sets of puppets together so that Saxton and Saboteur pinned Bowen and Cooper.
"
And then you beat whoever is next in line, like this..."
Jerry retrieved two question-mark-shaped finger puppets and had Saxton and Saboteur pin them as well.
"
And then you two win the championships and start making the big bucks again, like this."
Jerry mimed the Saxton and Saboteur puppets doing a wild victory dance that looked like they were dying of a seizure and going to finger-puppet-Heaven.
"
You got that- Hey!"
Before Jerry could finish his sentence, Garrett grabbed the question mark finger puppets and the Saxton and Saboteur finger puppets and put them on his fingers.
"
Or," he said to Saboteur, who was still entranced, "
you could do this."
He held up a third finger on each hand.
"
You could help Mikey to take out the New Church..."
His hands wrestled with each other.
"
And get the same fame and fan-adoration you'd get if you became two-time tag team champions!"
Garrett started making loud faux-cheering noises with his mouth.
"
So many choices!" Saboteur cried, and buried his head in his hands.
----
Inside the bathroom, the foot-to-hand fight raged on.
"
It's a shame that your next opponents won't be able to take you on!" said the pink ninja. "
You are a formidable opponent, but once I kill you, you will be nothing but a memory!"
"
I can't die, sucka!" Saxton replied. His foot was struggling to repel the ninja's chop. "
Ain't nobody got time for that!"
The ninja broke the stalemate and regrouped, relaxing into stance. "
You're pretty confident you're going to walk out of here alive."
Saxton's foot snapped forward, knocking the side of the ninja's head.
"
There's a very simple reason for that, sucka," Saxton said. He kicked the other side of the ninja's head. "
I ain't going to die until I have kicked that sucka Alex Bowen's ass!"
His feet flew faster and faster, punctuating his sentences
"
I have had it up to my black ass with his goofy-ass antics and his goofy-ass existence. Just because he's some big shot angry boy wannabe and that he moved out of that hospital he was always in, he thinks he bad. But you know what?"
Kick after kick.
"
He ain't bad! And he sure as hell ain't bad enough to take out Action Saxton!"
Bang after bang as foot after foot connected.
"
Maybe once upon a time he was, but dammit, sucka, the times have changed! It don't matter if he has that sucka Cooper by his side, I still hate him, and I refuse to be remembered as the man who couldn't beat Alex Bowen!"
The ninja spun around Saxton's foot like a broken yo-yo as the Badass Brother continued to rant.
"
I'm finally given one last damn chance to kick his ass, and I'm not letting some ninja take it away from me. Because this time, sucka, I know I'm going to win, and not just because I'm Action Saxton."
His kicks have cornered the ninja, whose backed up against the open toilet.
"
I'm going to win-"
Kick.
"
-because there's a big damn difference between him and me-"
Kick.
"
-and that difference is-"
Kick.
"
-while I have spent my time training like a m'sucka, teaming up with my boy Saboteur, and actually winning-"
Kick.
"
-he is still-"
Kick.
"
-the same-"
Kick.
"
-goofy-ass sucka-"
Kick.
"
-he has always been!"
A final kick sent the ninja headfirst into the toilet. Action Saxton angrily stomped on the flusher, the ninja gurgling as the water swirled around his head.
"
Wash your hands!" Saboteur called from the other room.
Action Saxton kung-fu kicked the wall, opened a window, and threw the soggy ninja out.
----
In the Office, Garrett and Jerry stared at Saboteur expectantly, awaiting his decision. He sighed.
"
Look, I just don't see why I can't do both," he said.
"
Don't you want to be tag team champion again?" asked Jerry.
"
Yeah, I-"
"
And don't you want re-wen-gey?" asked Garrett.
"
Well, yeah, but-"
Garrett and Jerry both started talking at once. Saboteur held up a hands and removed his horn-rimmed glasses. He stood up.
"
Look, I have a plan," he said. "
I hate to choose things if I don't have to, so you know, I'm going to do both. I'm going to recruit the fat one to help me spy on Cooper and Bowen to prepare for our match. How about that? Eh, guys? Eh?"
Garrett and Jerry stared daggers at each other, a stony silence between them. Saboteur shrugged.
"
Well, I thought it was a good idea."
A crash echoed throughout the Office as Action Saxton kicked the bathroom door down. He stood in the doorframe, chest heaving angrily. Saboteur looked over at his naked partner.
"
Oh, hey, Saxton," he said. "
I was just going to spy on Cooper and Bowen. Want to come with?"
"
Where the hell did you put the superglue remover?" barked Saxton.
Saboteur shrugged. "
You'll have to ask Janiteur, but I'm pretty sure last time I talked to him he said he put it in the basement."
"
Thanks, sucka."
Action Saxton walked out of the Office and down the stairs. Saboteur turned back to Jerry and Garrett.
"
Thanks for your help, guys," he said. "
Jerry, talk to the WZCW management, do the thing you said you'd do. With the zeroes. And the numbers. I have a match to prepare for."
And he walked out of the office. With Saxton and Saboteur gone, Jerry and Garrett sat across from each other at the table, staring intently at one another.
Jerry spoke up.
"
I don't like you."
He grabbed his briefcase and left.
