Would you give up your career...

[LSN80]

For your spouse? Carrie Underwood would.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/04/carrie-underwood-husband_n_3017738.html

"If Mike ever told me he needed me to quit, I'd quit. When you make that promise to somebody, and you stand before God and your family and friends, you've got to do everything that you possibly can to make that work."

Carrie Underwood is a Grammy winning country music superstar married to professional hockey player Mike Fisher, who is a marginal talent. Safe to say, Carrie is much more popular then Fisher will ever be, and makes far more money as well. Yet, as shown above in an interview with People magazine, she would be willing to "throw it all away" if Fisher asked her to.

I struggle with this one greatly. I don't want to look at this as a male/female dynamic, but it's so often the case. Women give up their careers for their husbands in order to raise their children, or they take a job that's less rewarding then the one they had in order to do so. This isn't just about children, it's the 'traditional' role. Although it's evolved, the role generally means that the man is the breadwinner, and the woman the homemaker.

But flipping it around, most of us on this site are males. In the short lived TV show 'Up All Night', Will Arnett's character stayed at home with their baby while Christina Applegate's character worked. Arnett didn't have a marginal job, he was a successful lawyer. Yet he gave his career up so his wife could continue with hers, essentially flopping the traditonal role on it's head.

I wonder if I could do it. Both myself and my wife work, and we both enjoy greatly what we do. If my wife was satisfied in her career and didn't want to quit in order to raise children or keep a house, I wouldn't ask. Neither would she, but I wonder what my response would be if she did. If there was an extreme situation such as a death or an illness, I would do it, but those are extenuating circumstances. I couldn't take the Underwood approach of "If he asked me to, I'd do it", I know that for sure. As someone who's a workaholic, I've cut back on my work schedule in order to appease my wife, and that alone was hard, to be honest. Since I couldn't ask her to quit the job she loves, I don't believe I could acquiesce if she asked me to. Sometimes, in the case of political ambitions, wives and husbands are essentially forced to give up their jobs to go on the road and campaign with their spouses. I, selfish or not, couldn't be that person. I love my wife more then my job, but unless my job was damaging to our relationship, I couldn't do it.

Are there circumstances that would make you quit a job you loved for the person you love? If so, what are they?

Is it selfish of one partner to ask another to do so?

Is it selfish to say no if they do?

All other thoughts on this are welcomed and encouraged.

 

[klunderbunker]

It depends on how practical it is.

Look at either of the two parties in the Underwood example. We have a very successful singer and a professional athlete. Both of them make probably at least a million dollars a year. They can easily afford to live on one of those incomes.

On the other hand, let's say there's a couple with a professional athlete and say, a secretary making $30,000 a year. There comes a point where it's absurd to drop one of the careers if someone is making significantly more money/has the job with all the benefits etc.

As for an average couple, it would depend on a lot of circumstances. I could see giving up a career either way if it's for the good of the family, but I'm not sure I can see a reason to completely give up something you've spent your life preparing for and working at. It would have to be a major reason to change, as in the path you're on is going to destroy my marriage, because otherwise it would be hard to see happening. I'm not saying I wouldn't/couldn't, but I'd need to hear a very good reason.

 

[Dagger Dias]

It would take either an offer for something better or some type of extremely negative situation for me to leave a job, whether it be for my wife or not. If they tried to make me compromise on my values by asking me to do anything unethical, I'd strongly consider leaving. If nothing controversial was going on involving my career and my wife asked me to quit for her, I don't think I'd be able to. First of all she's not the type to ask me to quit a job unless there is a very good reason for me to. Secondly, I enjoy my work despite how stressful working in customer service can be. Thirdly, we need the money and it helps pay the bills. Anytime I've felt the urge to not go in to work that day I just think about the one I love and our dogs, how they would be homeless if I did not have a job. I do it not just for me but for my family's sake.

Asking your significant other to quit their career for you can be seen as selfish to me. If you truly care about each other then you will support each other in career choices. You better have a very good reason to ask them to quit, should you consider going that route. Does something about their job bother you? If not, let them work if they enjoy it. We both like to see things get done and appreciate having jobs that we like after having dealt with jobs that sucked before getting to where we are. Granted there is still room for growth in both of our careers, especially mine given my business administration degress, so even if I'm in a much better place than a year ago or further there is always the potential to better myself and keep moving upward to more success. It would be selfish of her to ask me to quit when there's no reason to, and the same can be said of me asking that of her too.

Whether saying no if they ask you to quit for them is selfish or not is a little more complicated. It depends on what the situation in your career path is and what your significant other's intentions are for asking you to quit for them in the first place. If they have good intentions of helping you escape a bad situation at work and you say no, then that qualifies as selfish and stubborn on your part. If everything is fine at work and you have no reason to leave, then I don't find it selfish to say no. If you like your career path and they care about you they should support you. The same can be said for you of your significant other. If you plan on asking them to quit their career for you then you better have good intentions in mind with a solid reason behind your request. There's also grey areas though such as if they get an offer that requires you to move and leave your job if you want to remain in the relationship without it going long distance. If everything is fine at work but my wife got a great job offer out of state and she asked me to quit so we could move, it would be tough but something like that could get me to leave my work for her, for instance. It just depends on the situation and several factors have to be considered.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I couldn't take the Underwood approach of "If he asked me to, I'd do it", I know that for sure.

Yeah, well, I suppose it depends on why he'd be asking, right? In the case of Carrie Underwood, I suppose it's an easy thing for her to say, since it ain't likely to happen; what reasons would her hockey puck of a husband pick for wanting her to quit her day job? To feed his ego as the family provider? To stash her away from other men while he's out skating? To keep her barefoot and pregnant while waiting for the next Sidney Crosby to pop out? Or is there a legitimate, compelling reason for him asking?

Also, it would depend on the nature of her career. First, is it really a career she's being asked to give up, or just a job pouring coffee at Dunkin Donuts? Not to say the donut job couldn't be important to her, but presumably she could give something like that up a lot faster than someone who trained for years to attain the position they now hold; i.e,. a career.

In my own case, it's why the guy would want me to give up my career. I can't think of a reasonable scenario, especially since my life doesn't involve having children, but if there was some logical reason I can't even think of, I suppose I'd have to consider it......as always, tempered by the "why" of the situation.

 

[Loveless]

Are there circumstances that would make you quit a job you loved for the person you love? If so, what are they?

Because she asked would pretty much be enough for me. I don't care about what I do, never have done. I'm not motivated by money or progression or pride, they're empty rewards for me. What matters to me, my priority, has always been my family life. If I could stay at home with my partner and look after our future babies, I'd be thrilled with that.

Is it selfish of one partner to ask another to do so?

I'd say that depends on the reason for asking. It's not selfish if there is a logical reason.

Is it selfish to say no if they do?

No I don't think so. For some people, work is an important part of who they are and it's natural they'd want to defend it.

 

[H33LTurn]

Its absolutely selfish for a person to ask that of a partner, but lets be honest, sometimes someone is needed around the house. If my wife asked me to do such a thing it would need to be at a point where we have children and someone needs to raise them, and I've been able to give a shot at the career I want with the results being unsuccessful. If my career doesnt pick up and I've dedicated at least a decent amount of time to trying to make it happen and my wife has achieved significant success, well, sometimes you have to count your losses.

 

[Jack-Hammer]

I think that practicality would have to play a major part in the decision. After all, you can't just live on love. You'll starve to death and it simply doesn't pay the bills.

It could be an easy decision for Carrie Underwood because she has nothing to worry about financially. After I read this, I did a little research on her music career. As of right now, she's had a total of 20 Top 10 & #1 singles on the Billboard charts. All of those said Top 10 & #1 singles, with the exception of only 1, have been certified at least Gold by the RIAA. Hollywood.com lists that she's sold roughly 12.5 million albums in the United States alone. Various sites, such as those for the Grammy Awards, list that she currently has on 13 Academy of Country Music Awards, 11 American Country Awards, 7 American Music Awards, 16 Billboard Music Awards, 5 Country Music Association Awards, 8 CMT Music Awards, and 6 Grammy Awards. To top it all off, various sites estimate her net worth between $45 & $100 million. As for her hubby Tony Romo, he makes $15 million a year and has a net worth estimated somewhere around $50 million. So yeah, when it comes to finances, neither of them have anything to worry about so giving up your career might be a tad easier.

When it comes to the rest of us, consideration of finances, job benefits, etc. have always got to be a major factor. Another one is exactly the type of job one is being asked to give up and how dangerous it might be. For instance, a lot of women don't like the idea of going out with or marrying police officers due to frequently worrying about the safety of their men. After all, a cop's life is on the line everyday just by showing up to work, as most simply don't have desk jobs. Some women just can't handle that and it's understandable.

I have a friend that's an attorney and he's had to defend clients who aren't exactly glowing examples of humanity. He works for the Public Defender's office and very much believes in what he does, which his role is a very important one in the system as, let's face it, not everyone can afford to hire an attorney that charges several hundred dollars an hour. One of the cases he was assigned involved a rape/homicide, a particularly brutal one, and his wife told him that if he didn't at least ask that it be assigned to another attorney, she was leaving. She's had issues with some of his past clients, as many wives of attorneys do I'm sure, but this one she felt particularly disgusted by. I know that everyone is supposed to be innocent until proven guilty but, let's face it, that's simply not how it works in the minds of humans. We're imperfect, at best, and that can make it exceptionally difficult to look at some things impartially. They hit a rough spot for a while but did manage to work through it. Now, he takes a much closer look at his cases and does, sometimes, ask that some be assigned to someone else.

Was it selfish of his wife to make such a threat? On the surface, one could make that assumption. After all, defense attorneys who are often assigned to cases involving brutal violence or even death don't exactly have a sterling reputation in the eyes of the genera public. It's not uncommon for criminal defense attorneys to get threats, hate mail, be called disgusting names and I can understand a wife/girlfriend/fiancé wanting to not have her man have to endure such things. Besides that, many would consider how they're looked upon since they're in a relationship with someone that has such a negative image in the minds of others.

Could I give up my job for the right woman? I suppose I could, for the right woman. The job of a corrections officer can be pretty dangerous at times and, like the old bumper sticker alluded to, shit can happen. I'd also leave the job if I was asked or instructed to do something unethical. After all, I'm not some hard nosed screw who gets his jollies by pushing the buttons of inmates or subjecting them to frequent humiliations or punishment. That's often how some prison guards are portrayed in various movies and television shows. Inmates have a hard enough time as it is just getting by day to day locked away from the rest of the world without me purposely making it harder.

 

[George Steele's Barber]

It's unlikely anyone could convince me to give up my career as an international playboy.

But I would give up my career in a second if it made practical sense and meant enough to the person asking. I like my job but I'm not one of those sociopaths that claim to love their job. I can't seriously put a job on the same level as my wife and kids. That's insane. That's something that I don't think my wife would have ever accepted in me if she ever thogught I was that type of person. These are the kind of things and questions couples figure out before marriage.

Then again, if I was Carrie Underwood (I'd probably be doing porn) I can see where she may love her career and hold it at a higher regard than I hold mine. Stupid country singers and their "values". What was the question?

 

[Poop Master Flex]

Are there circumstances that would make you quit a job you loved for the person you love? If so, what are they?

All depends on the circumstances. For example, if my loved one gives me a bullshit reason then I won't do it ("I'm worried you will cheat on me with your co-worker" for example (and yes, this happened to me once)). If its something along the lines of "I got my dream job in <insert city here>" I would probably do it.

Is it selfish of one partner to ask another to do so?

Once again depending on the situation. It can be selfish no question like if one partner is just being controlling but there are plenty of reasonable explanations for a person to ask such a question.

Is it selfish to say no if they do?

Not to sound like a broken record but yeah, it depends on the situation. If lets say a person has established a successful career in lets say New York, they love their job and they have a perfect setup where they are comfortable and happy then its perfectly reasonable for them not to move to lets say Swaziland for their partner.

At the end of the day you always gotta look out for #1. Now #1 can change depending on the situation (for example when my daughter was born she became #1 over myself) but before that I was #1. If its not in #1's best interest to leave then its perfectly acceptable for that person to say no. That may be selfish to some but I don't think so, I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with me on this but that's how I feel. #1 should always take first priority.

 

[HBK-aholic]

Hell yes...I hate my job. The only reason I work now is for financial reasons, if I could financially afford to not work, I wouldn't. I'd love to spend more time with my family. I'd love to not have a painful back and neck from such physically heavy work. I'd love to not be treated like shit for 40 hours a week, and be too tired on my days off to do anything else. Maybe if I loved my job, it would be different. But even then, I'd be much happier looking after my own husband and children.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

JackHammer's right. It's all about practicality. If anything, though, in this situation, Underwood's husband should be the one to give up his job as he has nowhere near the earning potential of his wife. If my wife made much, much more than me, I'd gladly quit my job and stay to home to rear our children (I put children in here as I think it would be selfish for anyone to ask their spouse to quit their job were children not involved). That being said, I'd definitely look for something to do part-time, paid or volunteer. All people have a need to be productive and contribute to society.

 

[hatehabsforever]

I guess I see this one a little differently than most of the other posters on here. Looking at the main premise of the question, would I give up my career for my spouse? For me, absolutely not. No way. Not a chance.

This is based upon a few basic assumptions. Assuming we were both professional people who had careers that required post secondary training, or were at least comparable in terms of pay and responsibility and prestige, there's no way I'm giving up my career. That's not to say I would necessarily expect her to either. There is such a thing as family assistance, or day time child care which would allow our children to be well cared for while both of us worked. I would certainly be agreeable to modifying my work schedule to accomodate the schedule and wishes of my spouse to make he logistics of our situation workable. But there's no way I'm "giving up" my career.

Now if my spouse had a career opportunity which involved moving away, and it made sense for the family as a whole, I'd be fully supportive of that. But that would involve me relocating my career, not giving it up. I don't consider that giving up my career.

It would also depend somewhat on the particulars of the situation. If I were working for minimum wage while my spouse had a more significant career, perhaps I'd consider it. But keeping our respective careers more comparable to each other, there's no way in hell I'd be giving up my career.

The reality of the situation, as pessimistic as it sounds, is that a high percentage of marriages don't survive. That may be a sorry statement but it's factual. There's tons of reasons why that is the case, but regardless of the reason, that's the way it is. Putting undue stresses on the marriage by forcing one spouse out of their career in lieu of the other's is introducing a whole new level of stress and potential resentment into the equation, especially if the person making the sacrifice is doing so reluctantly. And if the marriage fails and you are left having to fend for yourself and your children, it wouldn't be easy to do with your career on the shelf, being forced to start over.

I would be prepared to modify my career in the short term to aid in the logistics of the family dynamic, especially if my spouse had a comparable career and didn't want to give it up. But as I see it, there's no way in hell I just giving up my career.

 

[Loveless]

All people have a need to be productive and contribute to society.

Not all people. I personally don't care about contributing to anyone outside my friends and family, but then again I'm BPD. I can't be the only one, surely the whole reason people dream of winning the lottery is so that they don't need to work anymore or contribute?

 

[LSN80]

I think there's an inherent selfishness that should go out the window when you enter into a marriage with someone. When single, and no disrespect intended to those who are, but the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning is yourself. When married, and moreso, when children are involved, the role reversal is stunning. Instead of simply worrying about how your day is going to go, there's not only a responsibility but, hopefully, a desire, to see your significant other and your children enjoy their days as well.

I think it comes down to several things. One, of course, as several have mentioned, is practicality. If your bills are at a place where they can be sufficiently paid on one person's salary, then it's a subject to broach, especially if there are young children involved. That's the case with my little sister. She has a two year old daughter, and she's content as a stay-at-home mom. Because her husband works as a lead programmer for Microsoft, she can afford to do so as well. My sister, the people person, who had a job in radio in Seattle, gladly gave it up in order to be a stay-at-home mom. Not only because they could afford it, but further, because it makes her happier then any job she ever worked.

There's also the argument to be made for happiness, however. My wife and I are blessed where if she didn't want to work, she doesn't need to. However, I'd be interfering with her happiness if I asked her to stay at home. She genuinely enjoys what she does, despite the stressors that come with it. It's a part of what makes her who she is, and I couldn't, in good conscience, take that away from her.

In the same vein, I wouldn't be receptive to her taking that from me, either. I went into the field I wanted to go into since my first college class on my 18th birthday, and it's been a thrill ever since. Even as a teenager and college student, people sought out my advice. My friends and their girlfriends, and sometimes friends and wives, before I had my degree, would seek me out to help mediate conflict and come up with reasonable solutions to their problems. I loved doing it then, and now I get paid to do something I loved. Is it stressful? Sure. But I couldn't imagine loving another job, or many things in this world, more then I do my career.

The only thing that could pull me away would be if my wife needed me, such as with a health issue. I'm a workaholic, but cut back hours 2 years ago because she wasn't seeing me enough. And it's been the perfect balance. I work a job I love, and still have plenty of time to spend with the person I love most in this world.

Which brings me back, obviously, to my point of who I think about first when I wake up. It hasn't always been this way, but it's her. Undoubtably, it's her. She's more important to me then my job, and while I wouldn't quit my job just because she asked me to, I would do I would, even if it meant sacrificing money, do so if there was a heath issue that required I be there for her. It's not a simple, cut and dry answer, I suppose. But in most circumstances, unless there was darn good reason, I don't think I could do it. Not saying my job is more important then her, just that the motive behind it would be incredibly important.

Because she asked would pretty much be enough for me.

I understand about your family being your top priority, mine is as well. But what if the situation was where you truly enjoyed your career, it helped define who you are, and it meant being impoverished if you did so?

I'd say that depends on the reason for asking. It's not selfish if there is a logical reason.

What would you consider to be a logical reason?

Maybe if I loved my job, it would be different. But even then, I'd be much happier looking after my own husband and children.

Have you had a job that you've truly loved, not to pry too deeply, that you've given up because of your kids? Like I said, when one goes from being single to committed, or has children, it changes one's mindset dramatically, including whom they think about when they wake in the morning.

But say you were offered the job of your dreams, the one you wanted since you were a young girl. Would you still feel the same, that you'ld be happiest looking after your children and future husband?

 

[Loveless]

I understand about your family being your top priority, mine is as well. But what if the situation was where you truly enjoyed your career, it helped define who you are, and it meant being impoverished if you did so?

It's a very difficult question for me to answer because I've always viewed work as a necessary evil that's simply for the money, and I don't much care about money either.
If I put myself in the mindset of being in my dream job, for the sake of an example lets say a footballer, earning £1million a year? Nope I'd still walk away from it, although in that situation I would argue it'd be worth continuing for a few years just for the money. Ultimately though, nothing is more important to me than being with my partner and if I felt I was missing out on our kids growing up I'd quit in a heartbeat.