Week of 5/29/2017 - 6/4/2017 (Thursday - Sunday)

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  1. klunderbunker

    klunderbunker Welcome to My (And Not Sly's) House

    Jan 8, 2007
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    Impact Wrestling
    Date: June 1, 2017
    Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
    Commentators: Josh Matthews, D'Angelo Dinero

    We're about a month away from Slammiversary 2017 and that means we need to really build up the card. While a lot of it is likely going to be set up during the upcoming India shows, we have a main event already set as Ethan Carter III will challenge Lashley for the World Title in a match that I'm sure won't be changed. Let's get to it.

    We open with a long recap of last week, including Scott Steiner returning to join Josh Matthews against JB and Joseph Park at Slammiversary and Carter becoming #1 contender.

    Opening sequence.

    Here's Ethan Carter III with a barbershop quartet (in snappy hats) plus a violinist and bass player to sing his theme song. They also sing that he's the #1 contender, which nobody can deny. Ethan talks about getting ready for the biggest fight of his life before having the group sing a goodbye song to Lashley.

    Cue Alberto El Patron but before that can go anywhere, Karen Jarrett, Bruce Prichard and Dutch Mantel, flanked by Tyrus, cut them off. Bruce says it's not going to happen this way so he makes El Patron vs. Carter tonight for the GFW Title and the shot at Lashley inside a cage. The other three never said a word and really didn't need to be there.

    The show heads to India next week.

    Grand Championship: Moose vs. Eli Drake

    Moose is defending and Drake has Chris Adonis with him. Mantel, Prichard and Scott D'Amore are guest judges here for no apparent reason. The champ kicks him in the face at the bell and tosses Drake into the corner with ease. Drake starts in on the knee and works it over before grabbing a Figure Four to take us to the end of the first round.

    Eli wins round 1 and goes right after the knee again to start the second. Josh completely ignores the match to talk about the upcoming tag match at Slammiversary. The leg is wrapped around the post but Moose pulls Drake into it as the announcers bicker about commentary. Back in and Moose dropkicks him off the top to set up a backsplash and moonsault. The knee is too banged up for the cover though and round 2 ends as we take a break.

    Back with Moose being announced as the winner, sending Adonis over to yell at the judges. They slug it out at the bell with Moose getting the better of it and hitting his chokebomb for two. Drake comes back with some kind of a throw for two of his own. Moose slugs him right back drop but Adonis grabs the foot, allowing Moose to hit whatever he calls White Noise as the clock expires at 9:00. Moose retains via split decision.

    We look back at Rosemary saving Allie.

    Allie isn't sure why Rosemary helped her but Rosemary comes up to freak her out even more. Rosemary says she heard something crying out and she knew Allie needed protection.

    Impact will hold a house show on August 5 in Staten Island. I'll believe it when the opening bell rings.

    Matt Sydal talks about tonight's X-Division Title match with Low Ki defending against Andrew Everett.

    Swoggle is in the front row.

    Allie vs. Amber Nova

    Nova is billed from the Garage (Gradge?) and wears a rather small outfit. Allie shoves her away to start but eats a knee in the corner. The comeback doesn't take long as Allie starts overcoming her self confidence issues and hits some clotheslines. A lot of shouting sets up a running Death Valley Driver to pin Nova at 3:34. Allie hugs everyone, which totally isn't a Bayley knockoff in the slightest.

    Joseph Park and JB arrive in a golf cart.

    GFW Tag Team Titles: LAX vs. Veterans of War

    Tournament final with LAX's Impact Tag Team Titles not on the line and no disqualifications. The rest of LAX comes in to help with an early beatdown (makes sense) but leaves after only a few seconds. Wilcox shrugs Ortiz off and brings in Mayweather for a big hiptoss as LAX takes a breather on the floor. Santana sneaks in from behind to clip Mayweather's knee though and LAX takes over for the first time.

    The beating begins in the corner with Ortiz stomping away and Mayweather taking out the knee for more of the same. Mayweather finally comes back with a Downward Spiral to get a breather The hot tag brings in Wilcox to clean house with the heavy clotheslines. Everything breaks down and Konnan hits Mayweather in the knee with a bat, allowing Homicide to blasts Wilcox in the back with a title belt. The Street Sweeper gives LAX the titles at 6:56.

    Park and JB have a really lame psych up segment and Park says it's time to train. JB: “Have you lost your d*** mind?”

    X-Division Title: Low Ki vs. Andrew Everett

    Low Ki is defending and Sonjay Dutt is on commentary. The champ is in a suit to continue an idea whose origins probably don't remember in the first place (yes I know what it is). They trade kicks to start with Low Ki getting the better of it and headbutting Everett into the corner. Everett is sent outside and Low Ki yells at Dutt as we take a break. Back with Low Ki in control and pulling Everett off the middle rope for two. We hit an abdominal stretch but Everett slips out and kicks him away.

    A bad looking hurricanrana sends Low Ki into the middle turnbuckle, followed by a running shooting star for two. Everett goes for a springboard but completely botches it (calling Maffew, come in Maffew), landing about four feet away and giving Low Ki two off the crash. Andrew shoves him off the top and tries the shooting star, only to have it land on knees. The running dropkick into the corner sets up the Warrior's Way to retain the title at 13:45.

    Low Ki yells at Dutt.

    Lashley wants to make Impact great.

    Spud jumps Swoggle and beats on his knee with a hammer. Josh: “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???” I'm not sure why I'm so amazed every time Josh asks these stupid questions but it happens every time. Swoggle's eye is busted and the fans call Spud a stupid idiot.

    GFW Title: Alberto El Patron vs. Ethan Carter III

    Patron is defending inside a cage and the winner faces Lashley at Slammiversary. Alberto starts kicking away to start (common trend tonight) but gets sent into the cage. A DDT gets Alberto out of trouble but Carter is right there to cut off an escape attempt. One heck of a Samoan drop off the cage plants Alberto and we take a break.

    Back with Carter hitting a charge in the corner, only to get caught in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. A sitout electric chair faceplant gives Carter two but Alberto is up with a middle rope Backstabber to pull him off the corner. Alberto starts in on the arm with a Codebreaker and the cross armbreaker goes on in the middle of the ring.

    Carter gets out again and the TK3 gets two more. A Batista Bomb lets Carter get to the middle of the cage but Patron pulls him down and hits a top rope double stomp from the top of the cage (FREAKING OW MAN). Since that's not enough, Alberto adds a top rope splash for the pin at 17:40.

    Moose b. Eli Drake via split decision
    Allie b. Amber Nova – Death Valley Driver
    LAX b. Veterans of War – Street Sweeper to Wilcox
    Low Ki b. Andrew Everett – Warrior's Way
    Alberto El Patron b. Ethan Carter III – Frog splash






    Extreme Rules 2017
    Date: June 4, 2017
    Location: Royal Farms Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
    Commentators: Michael Cole, Booker T., Corey Graves

    It's the night of extreme, which is loosely translated as “night of gimmicky rematches”. The main event is a Fatal Five Way for a future shot at Brock Lesnar and the Universal Title, likely coming at next month's Great Balls of Fire. The stories aren't the strongest this time around so it's going to be mostly up to the in-ring action. Let's get to it.

    Kickoff Show: Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews

    Kalisto has been feuding with Crews and Titus O'Neil for a few weeks now with Titus stealing a tainted win over him last week. Feeling out process to start with the announcers talking about LaVar Ball trying to buy into the Titus Brand. If you don't know who that is, leave it at that and consider it a good day. Kalisto takes over with some speedy technical stuff and sends Crews to the floor for a big springboard dive. He tries another dive but gets kicked in the head for his efforts as we take a break.

    Back with Crews holding a front facelock but having to clothesline Kalisto down to break up a comeback. Kalisto makes his real comeback with the corkscrew springboard shoulder as Titus plays cheerleader. A small package gets two on Crews, followed by one heck of a tornado DDT for the same. Crews comes back with a Samoan drop but his standing shooting star only gets two. Titus offers some suggestions but the distraction lets Kalisto hit a quick Salida Del Sol for the pin at 9:35.

    The opening sequence talks about about things going extreme and how this is all about facing Brock Lesnar. You might remember him even though you haven't seen him in two months.

    We recap Miz vs. Dean Ambrose. They feuded on Smackdown late last year but now they're both on Raw so we'll just keep it going. Miz got a shot at the title but Ambrose got disqualified, setting up this rematch.

    Intercontinental Title: Miz vs. Dean Ambrose

    Ambrose is defending and can lose the title via DQ. They start slowly with an exchange of hammerlocks as the announcers talk about this being Miz's 92nd pay per view match. A slap to the face annoys Ambrose so he hammers away in the corner. Dean keeps his cool and sends Miz outside for a suicide dive, followed by a whip into the barricade.

    Things settle down though as we make sure that the EXTREME show doesn't get too intense. Another yell from the referee allows Miz to get in an apron DDT for two. A neckbreaker is good for the same and Miz kicks him in the face for good measure. Three corner running dropkicks and the running corner clothesline has Dean in trouble but he's still able to punch Miz out of the air.

    Neither finish can hit so Dean sends him outside for another dive. Back in and Ambrose grabs a rollup for two, only to tweak his knee coming off the top. That means it's off to the Figure Four with Dean finally getting over for the rope break. Dean gets crotched on top and Miz pulls him away, taking the turnbuckle pad with him.

    The champ catches himself from sending Miz into the buckle but Miz uses the distraction to hit some YES Kicks. The big one is countered into a Figure Four on Miz but another rope grab is good for the break. They both limp on the bad leg for the slugout for a double knockdown before we FINALLY get to the obvious idea as Maryse slaps Miz. The referee says no and ejects Maryse though, allowing Dean to grab a rollup for two. Miz gets smart though and sends Dean into the referee but that's still not a DQ. Instead Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin at 20:02.

    Bayley thinks Alexa Bliss was no Rock and Mankind but she's been watching Tommy Dreamer, Sandman and Steve Blackman to get ready for tonight. She also saw Wonder Woman and feels empowered to take the title back.

    Sasha Banks/Rich Swann vs. Alicia Fox/Noam Dar

    Swann gets a great hometown pop with one fan in particular really seeming happy. How do I know that? It's because they cut to the one fan's reaction during the entrance. The women start but it's off to Dar before anything can happen. That means Swann has to come in to kick Dar in the head a bit before handing it back to Banks. The Bank Statement has Fox in trouble until Dar pulls her to the ropes.

    Fox takes over on Sasha for a bit but another kick allows the hot tag to Swann, who gets almost no reaction this time around. A running flip Fameasser drops Dar and the spinning kick to the face makes things even worse. Everything breaks down and Sasha hits the double knees off the top to drop Dar on the floor. Back in and the Phoenix Splash ends Noam at 6:23.

    The winners dance.

    Elias Samson sings about how bad Baltimore is. This goes nowhere but does manage to kill off three minutes.

    We recap Bayley vs. Alexa Bliss. Alexa kind of cheated to win the title last month and then attacked Bayley with a kendo stick. Tonight it's a kendo stick on a pole match but the question is whether Bayley is capable of getting extreme.

    Women's Title: Bayley vs. Alexa Bliss

    Bliss is defending and gets sent into the corner early on, only to send Bayley outside. She's too short to reach the stick though, which falls out to the floor instead. A belly to back suplex on the floor makes things worse for Bliss and Bayley grabs the stick. Graves: “It's like she went from Prince Adam to He-Man!” Bayley takes too much time pulling the stick back though and gets speared down, allowing Bliss to hammer away with the stick. The beating is cut off with a Bayley to Belly but Bayley can't follow up. More stick shots knock Bayley silly and the DDT finishes her off at 5:13.

    Tag Team Titles: Hardy Boyz vs. Cesaro/Sheamus

    The Hardys are defending in a cage with both members needing to escape to win, meaning no pinfalls. Cesaro and Sheamus head for the walls and the door to start but the champs pull them back in without much effort. A few whips into the cage set up a few Poetries in Motion against the cage. The advantage doesn't last long as Cesaro sends Jeff into the cage. It's still too early to leave though as Jeff makes the save.

    They trade some escape attempts to no avail until Cesaro ax handles Jeff. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick and gets caught in Matt's tornado DDT to put all four down. The champs are up first and go up the cage, only to have Cesaro and Sheamus make quick saves. Jeff actually manages to get to the floor but that leaves Matt in a handicap match. The Side Effect drops Sheamus and Cesaro is put down as well but Matt can't escape just yet.

    Jeff tries to help and even pulls him halfway over the top before Cesaro punches him down to the floor. That means Matt gets pulled back down into the ring for a double Razor's Edge (cool spot). A Brogue Kick drops Jeff again but Matt keeps Sheamus from escaping. Back to back Twists of Fate allows Matt to get his legs over the top until Cesaro hits an uppercut.

    A super White Noise knocks Matt silly but here's Jeff to dive off the top with a Whisper in the Wind to take Sheamus and Cesaro down again. Matt gets up and drags Jeff's body towards the door as Cesaro and Sheamus go up over the top at the same time. Matt is on the floor first but can't get Jeff out (again), allowing Cesaro and Sheamus to drop down and win the titles (for a face pop) at 15:45.

    We recap the Cruiserweight Title match. Austin Aries has lost to Neville twice in a row, both times via some shenanigans. Tonight it's a submission match with Aries coming in on a bad leg, though he made Neville tap in a tag match six days ago.

    Cruiserweight Title: Neville vs. Austin Aries

    Aries is challenging in a submission match. Feeling out process to start with Neville working on an armbar instead of the taped up neck or bad knee. Aries smacks him in the back and hits a slingshot hilo, only to have Neville bail to the floor to escape the Last Chancery. Back up and Aries tweaks his knee coming off the ropes to give Neville a target. A dragon screw leg whip has the leg in trouble but Aries hits a few shinbreakers with the good leg.

    The neckbreaker across the ropes is broken up and Aries might have hurt his arm on the landing. The arm is fine enough for Aries to take Neville's leg out again and grab a figure four until Neville makes the ropes. Ignore this being a SUBMISSION match, meaning the rope shouldn't be a break.

    The Rings of Saturn go on Aries in the middle of the ring but he gets his feet to the ropes for another break. Now it's Aries grabbing his own Rings of Saturn, only to have Neville grab the referee. That's the threat of a DQ (ERG!) so Aries lets go to tell the referee not to do it.

    Neville gets in a superkick and puts Aries on top but gets caught in a sunset bomb. The Last Chancery goes on but Neville crawls to the floor, only to have the hold stay on. Neville taps to no avail because the fall has to be in the ring. Aries misses the suicide dive to send him crashing to the floor. Back in and the Red Arrow hits Aries' back, setting up the Rings to make Aries tap at 17:23.

    Great Balls of Fire ad with a 1950s theme because that's the best they can come up with.

    Lesnar's title defense will take place at Great Balls of Fire.

    We recap the Fatal Five Way, which is really happening because Braun Strowman is injured and we need a new #1 contender. Kurt Angle put five guys in a single match with the winner facing Lesnar next month.

    Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Samoa Joe

    Winner gets Brock next month, one fall to a finish and anything goes. It's a big brawl to start with Reigns being left alone in the ring until Bray Wyatt comes in to keep him from being lonely. Wyatt gets caught on the middle rope for a Samoan drop, followed by one to Joe for good measure.

    Balor sends Reigns to the floor, leaving Bray to come back in and beat on Rollins and Joe. The three are sent outside for a big flip dive from Balor, only to have Reigns send him into the barricade. Joe breaks up the apron dropkick to Wyatt and sends Reigns into the steps. There isn't much else to do here other than list off moves, as is so often the case in matches like this one.

    Wyatt and Joe get together to hit people with steps, including a shot to Reigns which draws some solid cheers. They officially make a deal and take over on Balor inside as Corey is waiting on them to turn on each other. Seth starts a comeback but gets DDTed onto the steps for his efforts. Bray grabs a chair and cleans house again until he and Joe take turns backsplashing the chair onto Balor.

    Joe finally misses a charge into a chair and Bray misses the crossbody, allowing Reigns to remember that he's in the match. Roman gets the expected house cleaning segment until Bray takes him outside for a Rock Bottom onto the table. Now it's Rollins coming back with a springboard clothesline on Wyatt, followed by a double Blockbuster to Bray and Joe.

    Things speed up with Rollins loading up a suicide dive to Bray, who pulls Joe into the path instead. Back in and Sister Abigail plants Rollins, only to have Joe break it up and start the inevitable fight with Bray. Balor comes back in with a chair to break up the Koquina Clutch before dropkicking everyone in sight.

    It's time to load up the announcers' table but Reigns comes back with a spear to drive Balor and Joe through the barricade. Seth is back up with a frog splash to drive Bray through the table but stays down holding his knee. The knee is fine enough for him to stand up for a staredown with Reigns as the chair is still in the ring. A quick Superman Punch gives Roman two, followed by Seth's low superkick getting the same.

    Another frog splash gets two more but here's Bray for failed Sister Abigail attempts on both guys. Roman spears Bray down and hits Rollins with another Superman Punch. Balor takes one of his own but still comes back with the shotgun dropkick and Coup de Grace. It doesn't matter though as Joe comes back in with the Koquina Clutch on Balor for the win at 29:10.

    Miz b. Dean Ambrose – Skull Crushing Finale
    Sasha Banks/Rich Swann b. Alicia Fox/Noam Dar – Phoenix Splash to Dar
    Alexa Bliss b. Bayley – DDT
    Cesaro/Sheamus b. Hardy Boyz – Cesaro and Sheamus escaped the cage
    Neville b. Austin Aries – Rings of Saturn
    Samoa Joe b. Finn Balor, Bray Wyatt, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns – Koquina Clutch to Balor

    Quick Results

    Monday Night Raw
    Dean Ambrose/Hardy Boyz b. Sheamus/Cesaro/Miz – Swanton Bomb to Miz
    Elias Samson b. Zac Evans – Reverse swinging neckbreaker
    Samoa Joe b. Bray Wyatt and Finn Balor – Coup de Grace to Wyatt
    Rich Swann b. Noam Dar – Middle rope Phoenix splash
    Titus O'Neil b. Kalisto – Rollup with a handful of trunks
    Austin Aries/Jack Gallagher b. TJP/Neville – Last Chancery to Neville
    Roman Reigns b. Seth Rollins – Spear

    Sami Zayn/Shinsuke Nakamura b. Kevin Owens/Baron Corbin – Kinshasa to Owens
    Breezango b. Colons – Unprettier to Primo
    Dolph Ziggler b. AJ Styles – Superkick

    Pete Dunne b. Danny Burch – Bitter End
    Cesar Bononi b. Andrade Cien Almas – Small package
    Roderick Strong/Kassius Ohno b. Sanity – End of Heartache to Young

    Impact Wrestling
    Moose b. Eli Drake via split decision
    Allie b. Amber Nova – Death Valley Driver
    LAX b. Veterans of War – Street Sweeper to Wilcox
    Low Ki b. Andrew Everett – Warrior's Way
    Alberto El Patron b. Ethan Carter III – Frog splash

    Extreme Rules 2017
    Miz b. Dean Ambrose – Skull Crushing Finale
    Sasha Banks/Rich Swann b. Alicia Fox/Noam Dar – Phoenix Splash to Dar
    Alexa Bliss b. Bayley – DDT
    Cesaro/Sheamus b. Hardy Boyz – Cesaro and Sheamus escaped the cage
    Neville b. Austin Aries – Rings of Saturn
    Samoa Joe b. Finn Balor, Bray Wyatt, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns – Koquina Clutch to Balor

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