Sketch Comedy!

[enviousdominous]

I ask myself "Is it easy being clever?", and I stew over that question for hours before finally answering "Maybe, sure." Digital me came up with that brilliant answer as quickly as I just read it, and... yeah... well... cleverness.


Something that even I couldn't figure out -- even with all the free time on my hands -- is how people dealt with existence when they didn't have a digital self to live through? I think they just went bat shit insane, and I figured it out.

 

[enviousdominous]

Christmas is over, and Santa Claus is being dipped into immortality goo and thus can't focus on adding any of us to the naughty list. Now I can cope with the crippling boredom of real life by being bad! Nothing bad will come of this, except life in prison of course.


People tend to get very offended when they realize you've been disingenuous, so to avoid consequences for my tomfoolery I'll use pro-wrestling to cast a giant smoke-screen over my misgivings. I think I'll watch The (totally not fake) Undertaker take on (also not fake, I promise) Billy Ray Cyrus.

 

[enviousdominous]

Words are like bullets, they have an intended target but are very often discharged accidentally or without a clearly thoughtful purpose. I dedicate this video to the idea that we should all just embrace every negative connotation and just be "gay" about everything so some other word can take the place of it as a pejorative.


When I suggested that everybody be gay, I didn't mean for everyone to be gay in a gay way for crying out loud. You can be gay without being gay at all, just ask the least gay man in history who recently came out as gay.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes denial prevents you from having that kind of self-realization. I'm going to go watch some stupid dolphins to feel better about myself.


Pfft. If dolphins are so smart, then why are they ridiculously far behind us in terms of innovating pointless wastes of time? Let's rap about how awesome we all are!

 

[enviousdominous]

Comedy, and every other influence in existence, can get very confusing. We need more informative comedy to help us learn good. Let's start with the topic of reproduction, because a subject like that is right on our level.


Look at those crazy British people being crazy. Well, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! What the fuck America?

 

[enviousdominous]

Vince McMahon was right! I am sick and tired of having my intelligence insulted! I am going out on a limb here, but I don't want to see any of this "intelligent" comedy anymore. Phooey to all that, the only way comedy can respect my immense intellect is to be as dumbed down as possible.


NO NO NO! THAT'S STILL TOO INTELLIGENT! The only thing that could save that sketch would be if it was stolen and repurposed back to me as if it was original!

 

[enviousdominous]

We've got bathroom laws taking effect, so I thought to myself "Why not underpants laws?" They both reference matters that are examples of my creepy obsessions, and these days our Congress will pass just about anything that forces their standards of modesty onto us. Also; dancing is now forbidden.


Pretty soon the US will have a big sexy wall spanning its entire territory, to include Alaska and Hawaii (gotta keep the sharks away), thus everyone will technically be in prison anyway. So fuck it, ANARCHY!

 

[enviousdominous]

Boring episodes of Monday Night Raw leave me feeling extremely anxious, pardon me while I binge eat.


Oh crap, I think I ate too many complementary condiments. I better find a way to make Monday Night Raw more enjoyable before I explode!

 

[enviousdominous]

I'm having a very good day today, thus I'm inspired to do a happy dance and sing a happy song. If I annoy you, THAT MAKES ME HAPPIER!


Oh, what's that? My happy behavior has annoyed you? Well turn that frown upside down and stop having a case of the Mondays you silly goose! HAHAHA!


.............................................................I need to go pray.

 

[enviousdominous]

When it comes to making the world uneasy with the extent of one's foolishness, one only needs to break down the logic of how a world of fiction could possibly take place.


Being a impulsive jack-off is apparently very expensive. Say what you want about M. Bison's lack of fiduciary responsibility, at least he didn't resort to slave labor.

 

[enviousdominous]

For the love of all that is holy, I am starving! I want some pie now! Preferably pie that has Christy Hemme's butt impression still in it. LET ME HAVE IT!


I've been eating nothing but pie for the last month. Being an elite athlete (by WrestleZone forum standards), this might affect my scholarship with the prestigious sports institute. Wish me luck. WISH ME LUCK GOD DAMMIT!

 

[enviousdominous]

The Women's revolution is in full swing, and these women have taken their badassery to a level that leaves us men feeling somewhat intimidated. Can we tone it down a bit ladies?


What happened to my eyes? I just watched a woman go from dominant to completely submissive. Are men and women finally on even ground? I'll believe it when women start excelling at the male dominated art of BMX.

 

[enviousdominous]

In preparation for the WrestleZone Cardboard Boat Regatta, I've decided to compress every influence that contains a "don't try this at home" disclaimer into my brain while nano-machines record my dreams.


MY THOUGHTS HAVE OVERLOADED REALITY AND OPENED A PORTAL TO AN INVERSE DIMENSION! Thank goodness.

 

[enviousdominous]

Can we agree on something for once? Names are good for us. If I call you a name and it bounces off of you because you're literally made of rubber and that name was literally a piece of asphalt that I threw at you, it'll likely stick to me because my skin secretes a glue like pus. I think I'm missing a step, but somehow I end up better off.


My trigger is "Frenchified Bescumbered Microphallus", so don't call me that! Also; don't steal my money, or bash my skull in with a barbed wire bat. Avoid doing any of those and we should be alright.

 

[enviousdominous]

I've finally decided to stop investigating reports that random jerks on the internet are having relations with my Mother. I stopped after calling my Mom to ask her if she made coitus with "kekistanrulez98", and after being banned from Heaven for asking God the same question. Now I just call to be nagged about not calling enough.


I'm very selective about how I insult other people, in that nothing is sacred to me except anything that would warrant Mr T to use his powers of teleportation to give me a stern talking to.

 

[enviousdominous]

Misery is bliss, in that true happiness lies in one's ability to make lemonade from the lemons that God gave them and drink the concoction only to imagine that one is Phyllis Diller talking to a giant anthropomorphic dog named after the onomatopoeia for vomit.


FUCK YOU ROWLF! Son of a bitching dog wants to rip on Phyllis Diller like that. Maybe if he believed in himself more often, he wouldn't be such a vermicious knid. Don't ever be negative, try everything, and one day you'll be God over everyone and everything and you'll finally have the opportunity to get revenge on your childhood bullies by posting an excessively long sketch comedy video and introductory post regarding that video on a pro-wrestling forum!

 

[enviousdominous]

Not giving a fuck is in style, and it creates an adorable logic bomb in my fragile psyche when I contemplate the complexity of not giving a fuck about a fuck that was never given in the first place.


The irony of that last skit is lost on me, because I can be triggered by a slight breeze. Killing animals is wrong, you ass-butts. Earthly life forms are so deep in the negative in terms of Karma, that attempting to kill anything will result in great destruction.

 

[enviousdominous]

Let's cut the crap people. The Devil is real and he's actively trying to ruin our lives with his tedious questions and procedures for obtaining eyewear.


I SAW HIM! Dammit, he ran away again. No wait, there he is! And there, and there, and there, and... uh oh. In-vitro fertilization strikes again.

 

[enviousdominous]

Money equals happiness, thus I just have to get really really happy to make more money. Nothing makes me happier than the sound of my own voice when I make words into phrases and do so loudly so as to drown out all other audible signals.


R2...B2!? That doesn't make me happy at all! Now I'm poor again, and it'll take a miracle for me to keep my cardboard mansion.

 

[enviousdominous]

My newsfeed has been overrun with pundits pontificating on pornstar presidential affairs! I need a superhero, one who distracts me with comic absurdity instead of sexy spandex.


Just when I thought I've had my fill of the delightful horror that is being totally wasted on life's distractions, low and behold they forget how to shut the fuck up.

 

[enviousdominous]

Everyone in the world needs to stop, take a few steps back, turn left, ingest copious amounts of whatever caffeine pills Jesse Spano was butt chugging, then spin in counter-clockwise circles until either the right thing to do comes to mind or you discover a way to travel back through time. Do the right thing regardless, it could save a life (or kill someone, I don't know)


With my first world sensibilities, not a whole lot occurs to me beyond drugs being bad and guns being good under any circumstance. Can guns lead to a love connection? Let's find out.

 

[enviousdominous]

Don't sneak up on me! You could really hurt someone with your presence, and your thoughts.


The best way for me to avoid being hurt by the environmental consequences of having other human beings in this world would be to satiate the desire of mother nature to see everything in existence obliterated in some horrible manner.

 

[enviousdominous]

A thought occurred to me one time. Would bad things really happen if we were too stupid to comprehend them?


Apathy is an amazing virtue, unto celebrities mostly. If life has taught me anything, it's taught me that authority figures would have saved everyone time by doing absolutely nothing and by allowing their authority to be undermined by a perky young upstart.

 

[enviousdominous]

I'm just going to settle all arguments that have ever existed by lumping them all up into one category called "stuff that annoys me", and stir it in a pot while slowly adding water and beef stock. YOU'RE WELCOME AMERICA!

Spoiler

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Oh balls. I think that I've indulged in too many delicious arguments. While I normally fart at least once every nano-second, the rage boiling within me is threatening to erupt from my thunderous butthole with a fujita-scale 5 tornado of flatulence. This is a very serious matter.

 

[enviousdominous]

Hear me out. Everything that could ever be done has been done, so lets start doing those things over again but this time WITH FEELING (and Patton Oswalt)!


Life doesn't get any better than when you're turning shined up movie turds into independent masterpieces with the help of your brand new Indie-izer. Enough fun, I want to watch a terrible skit from the Amanda Show where an old man swears that she's called the wrong number and... shit. It fell into my Indie-izer.