ITurnGirlsGay
Twitter -- @FightOnTwist
When I write for my sports blogs, I occasionally include random non-sequitur posts about random things. I wrote this one today. Thought I'd share it for the humor value.
To: ACME Products
From: Wile E. Coyote
Re: Product Line
Date: 4-20-2011
To Whom It May Concern:
I have been a loyal user of ACME products for about as long as I can remember, but it is time for me to express my utter disgust with your product. For far too long your company, which has had no problem taking my fucking money mind you, has shipped me substandard products that have failed me countless times. I have had it. Your shitty products have cost me my main goal in life; capture that fucking bird and eat him, one too many times. Need examples? I'd be happy to provide them for you.
Let's start with those fucking death-traps you refer to as "rocket powered skates." Do they work? All except for the brakes! The braking systems of those things fail to kick in every time. Do you know what happens as a result of this? I shoot right past that god-damned bird and, inevitably, fly off a fucking cliff, plummeting to my doom. You'd think after years of market research you could have addressed this glitch. It is, after all, DEADLY!!!!! Do you think Ford continued to sell Explorers with Bridgestone tires on them after they fucking blew up and killed people? No! They immediately did a recall to get those dangerous pieces of shit off the road.
This isn't even the half of it, however. How about your god damned "Batman outfit?" Yeah, you remember that one; the one where the fucking WINGS FALL OFF!? Please explain to me how this is supposed to aid me hunting when it's basic purpose, FLYING, is faulty? While I'll admit that the outfit itself is a rather stupid idea for hunting roadrunner, I still expect this product to work.
Oh, now to the "dehydrating boulder." This motherfucker's a real gem. Low and behold, you've made a product that actually works. There's just one problem; it doesn't do anything except crush ME! The son of a bitch only actually expands and crushes something when it's me. Good lord, can you make one fucking product that works on the roadrunner? Lord knows it's not the "earthquake pills."
Don't even get me started on your TNT and rockets. Those things explode on me if I look at them wrong. I don't think I've ever blown up anything besides my own ass using your dynamite. Not one fucking stick of dynamite has ever detonated when that damn bird is around, but let me walk over for one second to examine the situation and check the fusing and connections and BOOM!!!!! I'm farting bomb fragments out my ass for the next six weeks.
Due to your ineptitude and unwillingness to recall and correct the problems with your products, I have retained the services of a lawyer. Enclosed you will find every receipt and shipping order from my purchases of your dog-shit excuse of brand. Additionally, I've also included hospital bills and medical expenses that have resulted from your negligence. I have decided to take my business elsewhere and sincerely hope that one of your faulty products causes an rather timely demise to your manufacturing plant. But just in case, I've placed every last remaining ACME product I've purchased into a box that should find its way into your office in about ten minutes.
In sum: Fuck you....and yours.
Wile E. Coyote.
To: ACME Products
From: Wile E. Coyote
Re: Product Line
Date: 4-20-2011
To Whom It May Concern:
I have been a loyal user of ACME products for about as long as I can remember, but it is time for me to express my utter disgust with your product. For far too long your company, which has had no problem taking my fucking money mind you, has shipped me substandard products that have failed me countless times. I have had it. Your shitty products have cost me my main goal in life; capture that fucking bird and eat him, one too many times. Need examples? I'd be happy to provide them for you.
Let's start with those fucking death-traps you refer to as "rocket powered skates." Do they work? All except for the brakes! The braking systems of those things fail to kick in every time. Do you know what happens as a result of this? I shoot right past that god-damned bird and, inevitably, fly off a fucking cliff, plummeting to my doom. You'd think after years of market research you could have addressed this glitch. It is, after all, DEADLY!!!!! Do you think Ford continued to sell Explorers with Bridgestone tires on them after they fucking blew up and killed people? No! They immediately did a recall to get those dangerous pieces of shit off the road.
This isn't even the half of it, however. How about your god damned "Batman outfit?" Yeah, you remember that one; the one where the fucking WINGS FALL OFF!? Please explain to me how this is supposed to aid me hunting when it's basic purpose, FLYING, is faulty? While I'll admit that the outfit itself is a rather stupid idea for hunting roadrunner, I still expect this product to work.
Oh, now to the "dehydrating boulder." This motherfucker's a real gem. Low and behold, you've made a product that actually works. There's just one problem; it doesn't do anything except crush ME! The son of a bitch only actually expands and crushes something when it's me. Good lord, can you make one fucking product that works on the roadrunner? Lord knows it's not the "earthquake pills."
Don't even get me started on your TNT and rockets. Those things explode on me if I look at them wrong. I don't think I've ever blown up anything besides my own ass using your dynamite. Not one fucking stick of dynamite has ever detonated when that damn bird is around, but let me walk over for one second to examine the situation and check the fusing and connections and BOOM!!!!! I'm farting bomb fragments out my ass for the next six weeks.
Due to your ineptitude and unwillingness to recall and correct the problems with your products, I have retained the services of a lawyer. Enclosed you will find every receipt and shipping order from my purchases of your dog-shit excuse of brand. Additionally, I've also included hospital bills and medical expenses that have resulted from your negligence. I have decided to take my business elsewhere and sincerely hope that one of your faulty products causes an rather timely demise to your manufacturing plant. But just in case, I've placed every last remaining ACME product I've purchased into a box that should find its way into your office in about ten minutes.
In sum: Fuck you....and yours.
Wile E. Coyote.
