AS 122 - Matt Tastic versus Batti
Itís been nearly two years since Matt Tastic held a championship while in WZCW. The last time he challenged for a title was a year ago at Unscripted í16. The Hall of Fame wrestler gets a long overdue chance to add to his already impressive collection of achievements this Sunday when he faces Callie Clark for the Elite Openweight Championship. The champion has taken the round off but there is no rest for the number one contender. This week, Tastic faces the former Elite Openweight Champion in preparation. Will the new attitude of Matt Tastic show through this week against the loveable Batti? Itís been a rough week for Batti after being forced to fight her friend Tyrone Blades. She has earned a match against the Queen for a Day at Unscripted, an honour many believe Batti had in the bag until the final seconds of the KFAD match. Can Batti defeat a second Hall of Famer two weeks in a row and put some fear in the heart of Kagura?
RP Deadline Tuesday 24th October 23:59 (Central).
Extensions available upon request.
Captain Claws Would Like A Word With You
Oh, hello there. Didn't see you scrolling down. As you can plainly see, I am a teddy bear. I'm not just any run-of-the-mill Teddy Ruxpin "stick a disk up my ass and I'll read to ya" Care Bear, though. No sir. I'm real, and I belong to the sweetest, most precocious legal aged chick you could meet. Ask Tyrone Blades.
I suppose since you're here I should tell you a story. If you have the time, pop a squat and set your mind at ease for a moment. I'm gonna need you to suspend your disbelief a bit due to the fact that you are listening to a plushie...who sounds like Patrick Stewart. Oh yeah, I'm Patrick Stewarting this up from now on. Made it so.
It all started at the Pepsi Cola factory. Why is this important? Well, two reasons:
I was a prize for the contestant who could drink the most Wild Cherry Pepsi on Pepsi's grand stage area right across from the lobby. A school was touring that day, and even though Beatrice Otaku forged her mom's signature to ride the bus (excellent penmanship, btdubbs), Mrs. Fishstick, on-duty teacher who could tell the difference between a child's writing and an adult's, didn't care. She had stopped giving a shit a year close to retirement, as teachers often do. So little Batti Otaku boarded the bus, entered the contest, and drank herself into a sugary bender.
A Note For The Reader: Even though Pepsi is quite easily the best beverage one could digest, it is normally frowned upon to take in excessive amounts. That goes with anything, really. But I digress. Drink fair portions of Pepsi, friend. Or Mountain Dew. Or Mug even. But I advise not touching that mercury drymouth bullshit you would find Santa guzzling in those outdated white people commercials. Oh, don't get on to me for racism! You've seen what they're doing to the polar bears...some shuck and jive bullshit...
Now at that time Batti never watched anime. She was average, which as we all know is the worst thing a character from a wrestling roleplay can be. But when her lips touched that syrupy nectar of the gods, she became anime. Sailor Moon. Death Note. Full Metal Alchemist. Fairy Tail. You know, things that are good.
A Note For The Reader: Even though anime like Death Note is quite easily the best Japanese cartoon of all time, it is normally frowned upon to turn fiction into reality. Keeping a Death Note in a school locker is a big No-No. Dressing up like an emo on PCP is a No-No. I advise not imitating cartoons, or you'll wind up wearing a useless Dragon Ball Z scouter to a wrestling ring. Or naming a signature move after a Space Western that's not as cool as Cowboy Bebop. Or even Trigun.
I sat on a little podium, and even though it was pretty evident who won that day, she snatched me up before they announced her as the winner. The podium crashed to the ground and the poor girl had to be escorted out of the factory after that. Still under the influence, Batti found herself on top of the school bus.
She swung me around and hugged me. I never felt so alive. Her vibrancy washed over my stitched face and it made me happy. Like genuinely happy. Do you have any idea what it's like for an inanimate object to feel? To gain sentience in a little girl's embrace? To look through beaded eyes and hear from fluffy ears the joys of adolescence? Well, if you do, you're fucking sick dude. Get help. I'm a toy.
Her juvenile eyes beamed. "I'm gonna call you Captain Claws. We are gonna be best friends. I don't have many friends, so we can spend a lot of time together! We'll stay up late. Drink Pepsi. Gush over Tenchi Muyo and maybe I'll show ya my fighting moves that someday might be beneficial to the profession I'm in." She giggled. "Maybe one day against somebody who loves anime and soda like I do, though I already know in my 11 year-old heart that their taste is gonna be trash."
This is the part of the story where we take a giant ass leap into time - a narrative device in television and movies to show how a character has progressed since then, or how they haven't at all. In this case, it's the latter.
Batti Otaku is still riding the sugar rush, still besties with yours truly, and still thinks someone out there should be introduced to the glories of a proper soft drink. Today she learns who that is by reading the match card for Ascension 122.
"Well I'll be darned. Another Hall of Famer."
She nibbled on her thumb as she read the bio blurb that explained how Matt Tastic was now the Number One Contender to Callie Clark's Elite Openweight Championship. She sighed, probably wishing it was her going in to Unscripted against Tastic. But she couldn't retain, and she lost her rematch. No excuses, she often said. The past few weeks she did all she could to build herself back up, and came close at the 10th Anniversary Show in cementing her spot at the top. True story. But Kagura came through, and again Batti came short.
But so close...so damn close, as anyone who watched the match knows. What if she fought Kagura...that'd be a culture clash for the ages, no? Sorta sexy too, hot Japanese women fighting for dominance in a sweaty sport? Practically gravure idols, those two. Knowimean?
Eh I'm getting off-track. Batti is facing Matt, not the geisha. Unless he comes to the ring in a geisha outfit. Who knows? Dude wears a mask now. Maybe he'll go all Kabuki. All I'm saying is don't judge him if he wears a dress, Dagger. We ogle men in speedos, y'know. Lol. Oh yeah. I subscribe to Wrestlezone too. Came for the Book This!, stayed for The Writing Gallery. But once again, I'm off-track.
"If I beat the contender to the Elite Openweight Championship, maybe that will prove I deserve a second chance at reclaiming the title. Or maybe I can move up to the Eurasian, and then maybe the World. Surely can seek an audience with the 1st Queen For A Day. Beating two Hall of Famers in a month has to be impressive, no matter who ya are. Hmm."
She reached into her mini-fridge and grabbed a Pepsi Wild Cherry. This is fascinating for three reasons:
"Please open up," the assgoblin whined, "Just for a moment."
Batti ignored him, as women with brass often do in these circumstances. I never understood what she saw in him. And how do you even pronounce his name? Rampart? Rampartẽh? Ram Party? What a gaggle of fuckwits his parents must have been.
My owner opened the can loudly and took a swig. Her eyes became dilated; her lips quivered. This was her drug. Sure, she'd smoke a little weed now and then, maybe do some iDosing or drink the occasional Chocolatini, but her true vice was Pepsi, particularly cherry flavored. She once tried a Cherry Coke and was sick for two days. Just par for the course when drinking sludge, really. Do you know you can use Coke to clean your toilet bowl? Google it.
He was still hammering on the door like some paraplegic drunk. Batti took out a VHS copy of Home Alone and slid it into her vintage VCR that she kept for inexplicable reasons. She found her tv remote and raised the volume up quite loudly.
It wasn't about Ramparte anymore. It wasn't even about Tyrone Blades at the moment. It was all about her and Matt Tastic, the wrestling veteran still out to prove himself. She held me under her arm as she played the previews.
She found herself talking to me the way she did when she was 11.
"I have my work cut out for me, but I'm young and hungry. What is Tastic-sama besides another man who feels he's owed something? The fans don't need another disgruntled old timer hogging the spotlight. They need something new. Something fun. Something Millennial. Kawaii. A E S T H E T I C."
She gave me a kiss on the top of my head. I suppose this is as good of a time as any to end my little story. Doubt we'll talk much in the future, as whimsical characters do tend to have a shelf-life. Things will get a bit more serious in the next RP, I guarantee you that much. For now, it's your ol' friend Captain Claws signing off and leaving you with the wide-eyed youngster, hot and ready to take the wrestling world by storm and bring in an era of pastels, unicorns, beach balls, and bakka bitches.
The Choice Of A New Generation, indeed.
I was called into the office of Chuck Myles following my match. I didn't know why at first. I just assumed it would be for yelling about something.
Myles: Mr. Tastic, we need to talk.
Matt: "We" implies I have something to say. Truth be told, I don't.
Myles: I say "we" because I expect witty retorts from you. I do not appreciate you saying "bitch" on TV and us having to censor it.
Matt: That's an issue? But the rampant violence and destruction is fine? You're kidding me, right? We had a guys strapped to a stretcher being thrown, Banks yells at the locker room, cars destruyed, but oh boy. I said "bitch". Hold the phone, brother.
Myles: I told you.
Myles stands up and sits on his desk, next to Matt who stands in front.
Myles: Listen, I didn't call you here to nag you about something dumb, but it's a rule so at least I had to call you out on it. I had you here for some good news.
Matt decides to sit on the desk, parallel to Myles who just turns to Matt with a confused look. Matt shoots him a trollish smile.
Matt: Go on. You owe me something.
Myles: Well, given your recent string of victories and your unexpected run in with Callie Clark, we felt it was in our best interest to grant you a match with Clark at Unscripted for the Elite Openweight Championship.
Matt goes from a trollish face to an arrogant smile. Finally, he's got what he wanted.
Matt: Wonderous. I'm outta here. I got what I want. Thank you very much, Mr. Myles. I greatly appreciate it. I expect a really nice bonus once I win that title. Bye now.
Matt backs away from the desk and tries to leave but Myles gets off too and calls Matt back.
Myles: Wait, wait. I have something else to tell you.
Matt stops and waits for Myles.
Matt: Well, what? Callie will not be here next week. But you will. We have set up a tune up match for you. You will be facing the former Champion, Batti. Try not to lose.
Matt looks on. He expects more from Myles. But doesn't get it.
Matt: .......ok? Anything else?
Myles: I think there's an interview for you. Ask Stacey tomorrow at Ascension or something. She wasn't very clear.
Stacey: What the hell are you doing?! You couldn't tell me about that match so I could break the news? I would look like a great reporter.
Matt: ......Stacey, I don't know how to tell you this, but what the fuck would be the point of you breaking the news instead? There's a grand total of two of you and the other one doesn't have Tatty Bojangles. I think you'll be fine. Also, for the record, I couldn't give a damn about Mayhem Rules matches. I win them clean, I win the dirty. It's irrelevant to me.
The cameraman pulls Stacey in and talks to her as Matt crosses his arms and looks on.
Matt: Is he correcting you? Does Kensworth actually have boobs and we didn't know?
Stacey: Shut up. 3.... 2... 1. This is Stacey Madison with a special interview with the new #1 Contender to the Elite-
Matt: What the fuck?
Stacey: -Openweight Championship, Matt Tastic. Matt. You have been on a very refreshing streak of victories recently and now you have a big opportunity at Unscripted. But what's got you on this streak has been a recent change of attitude. May I ask what spurred this change?
Matt: I'm not having any of this, Stacey. I haven't changed attitude. I changed my focus. That's it.
Stacey: OK. What spurred you to insult Callie Clark at Meltdown then?
Matt: What the hell was she even doing there? "Checking Meltdown out"? What, she couldn't find a TV? She stuck her nose and I want gold, so I went after her. That's all there is to it. Are we done here? I'm out.
Stacey: No, wait!
Matt: Again with this. Now what?
Stacey: I have just been informed that you will be facing the former Elite Openweight Champion Batti at Ascension 122. Do you have any words about that?
Matt: *sigh* I knew that already. Here's the thing. Batti is a sweet girl. But just like Callie, she's ignorant. This is a girl who is constantly looking for an older man to cling to in some fashion. I don't want to make a dirty joke about that, but it writes itself. She's so attached to Ramparte. It reminds me of myself and Mikey who retired yesterday. Now I love Mikey to death. But focusing on him led me to lose in the Gold Rush and to lose to Mark Keaton. Batti is going nowhere as long as she spends her time clinging to Ramparty-sempai, Ty-dono and Saxton-sensei. Yeah, I know my Japanese honorifics. I used to be an anime enthusiast. But just like how I moved away from Mayhem, I moved away from that. If Batti wants to break out, I suggest she puts down the shitty kawaii waifu act. Because it's getting her nowhere and your waifu is trash, anyway.
Matt leaves and Stacey stands looking on.
Stacey: All those references just went over my head.
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