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Old 05-02-2017, 08:02 AM
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klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...klunderbunker is a World Heavyweight Champion...and is being held down by Triple H...
Default Week of 4/24/2017 - 4/30/2017 (Thursday - Sunday)

Thursday

Impact Wrestling
Date: April 27, 2017
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Josh Matthews, D'Angelo Dinero

It's back to Orlando and of course that means more from the battle of the announcers. Last week's show ended with Low Ki becoming the new X-Division Champion but the last thing we saw was Jeremy Borash finally punching Josh Matthews in the face. I'm not sure where we go next but I have a feeling this doesn't end until Slammiversary in July. Let's get to it.

We open with a recap of last week's show. Rewatching it doesn't make it better.

Opening sequence.

The announcers preview the show....and here's Josh Matthews. This company will not tolerate bullying announcers and Borash is J. B. Loser because yes, this feud is now a parody/reference to the JBL/Mauro feud. Borash is suspended from commentary and gone indefinitely. Josh takes his place on commentary. So yeah: not only has Impact decided to have this feud keep going but now it's referencing a feud that caused Mauro Ranallo some mental health issues along with his job.

Trevor Lee vs. Matt Sydal

Sydal is the former Evan Bourne and used to wrestle for the company. Therefore, the announcement of this being his debut is inaccurate as it would be his return, though that's the least of this company's problems. Sydal kicks at the legs to start but gets tossed outside. Back in and they trade some kicks with Sydal hitting something like Big Show's Log Roll (standing legdrop) for two, only to have to deal with Gregory Helms. That goes badly for the Helms Dynasty though as some heel miscommunication sets up the shooting star press to give Sydal the pin at 4:45.

Sienna doesn't think much of Karen Jarrett.

Here's Ethan Carter III for a chat. After making fun of the “Make Impact Great” line, Carter talks about Bruce Prichard telling him to look in the mirror. Carter did just that and saw a demigod. He's tired of hearing the fans telling him that they liked him better as a bad guy. Carter is going to Slammiversary to recover the glory that he never should have lost in the first place. That only leaves James Storm, who is all talk and doesn't need to be in Carter's world.

Cue Storm to say he's not here to dance because he hasn't had enough to drink and Carter isn't a pretty lady. Storm calls him fugly and asks for a fight but Carter walks out. One more insult brings Ethan back inside for the fight with James easily getting the better of it. Carter hides behind a production assistant though and he gets in a low blow to leave Storm laying. This was a good idea for a segment but Storm was too calm about what happened last week.

KM yells at a waiter who thought the large man called his meal good. Apparently that's what's wrong with America today. This was basically a modern version of the Razor Ramon vignettes.

Christina Von Eerie is the GFW Women's Champion and will fight anyone.

GFW Women's Title: Christina Von Eerie vs. Ava Storie

Von Eerie is defending and starts fast with a running boot to the face. A few OY OY OY chants look to set up a fireman's carry but Storie slips out and hammers away. Josh brags about breaking JB's streak of consecutive Impact's because he forgets that JB was already on the show. Storie puts her on the middle rope but gets caught in a kind of super Backstabber to retain Von Eerie's title at 2:58. Von Eerie was fine but forcing the GFW Champions in still doesn't quite work.

Swoggle comes through the crowd and messes with Spud's hair.

Low Ki talks about wanting to revive the X-Division, which is always changing.

Video on Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards.

Alberto El Patron thinks he should be #1 contender but here's Magnus, who says he should get the shot because the GFW Title is a golden ticket. Stephanie Jarrett comes in and makes a GFW Title match for the #1 contendership.

Video on Moose, complete with Monday Night Football music.

Grand Championship: Moose vs. Davey Richards

Moose is defending and has NFL Pro Bowlers D'Angelo Williams and Gary Barnidge in his corner. Moose throws Richards into the corner to start but gets superkicked in the leg to bring him off the ropes. Actually hang on a second as Davey stops to kiss Angelina Love. We hit a Figure Four for a long time until Moose grabs the rope with three seconds left.

Davey easily wins the first round but gets caught in an early powerbomb to start the second. Moose's moonsault gets two but the Game Changer is blocked by more kicks. A hard running clothesline turns Davey inside out for two but he grabs the ropes until the clock runs out.

Moose wins the round to tie it up and dropkicks Davey out to the floor to start the third. Back in and Davey powerbombs his way out of a belly to belly superplex, followed by a top rope double stomp for two. We hit an ankle lock but here's Eddie Edwards to jump Davey at 9:30 to keep the title on Moose. A previous Grand Championship match was No DQ but I don't think the company even understands why this is still a thing.

The NFL guys shove Richards down and Barnidge gets in a slam. A few weeks ago he has one of the best brawls the company has seen in months and now he's taking a bump that Rockstar Spud probably would have taken.

Swoggle rips up Spud's notes so Spud pulls off Swoggle's pants.

Matt Sigmon vs. Kongo Kong

Kongo has Laurel Van Ness, Sienna and KM with him. Sigmon's shots to the ribs have no effect and Kongo gives him a sitout powerslam. The Cannonball sets up the top rope splash for the pin at 2:11.

Fallah Bahh/Mario Bokara vs. Veterans of War

The Veterans are Mayweather (Crimson) and Wilcox (Jax Dane, former NWA World Champion). Thankfully Mayweather's previous character is acknowledged but Josh would rather talk about the (admittedly awesome) deals on ShopTNA.com. Mario gets backdropped so it's off to the huge Bahh. Wilcox hits a very impressive delayed Samoan drop and a High/Low gets two on Fallah. A double suplex has no effect on Mayweather so it's a Magic Killer for the pin on Mario at 3:30.

Mayweather says the Veterans of War aren't just characters because it's who they are. He says they'd answer the call to go fight again at the drop of a hat but for now, they're bringing the fight to Impact. They look forward to getting a shot at the Tag Team Titles because together, they are one. That worked very well and this team looks a lot better than most of the recent additions.

Swoggle, now in a towel, beats on Spud with a HAMMER. He hits him probably seven or eight times and is ejected by security. I know Swoggle isn't full sized but he's a professional wrestler and presumably lifts weights so shouldn't these hammer shots break bones or potentially kill Spud?

Eli Drake rants about being ignored and Tyrus doesn't think much of it.

Tag Team Titles: Decay vs. LAX

LAX is defending and this is a street fight. It's a brawl to start (as it should be) with Decay getting the better of it, including Abyss taking both champs down with a double clothesline. The barbed wire board is thrown in and it's off to a break. Back with a large selection of weapons in the ring and Homicide hitting Abyss in the back with a chair.

It's time for the kendo stick shots to the back as the champs keep dominating. Abyss saves Steve from a double superplex and throws him onto both champs. A chokeslam gets no cover so Abyss pelts a chair at Ortiz's head. Rosemary mists Abyss by mistake though, allowing Santana to spear him through a barbed wire board. Diamante German suplexes Rosemary and Abyss is sandwiched between two barbed wire boards.

Steve comes back in though and gets two off a Death Valley Driver with Konnan making the save. Thankfully Steve doesn't bother with Konnan but he does have to deal with Homicide. That goes nowhere so Steve puts Ortiz on a table and covers him with tacks, only to have Homicide make another save. The Street Sweeper through the table retains the titles at 13:37.

A lot of posing ends the show.

Results
Matt Sydal b. Trevor Lee – Shooting star press
Christina Von Eerie b. Ava Storie – Super Backstabber
Davey Richards b. Moose via DQ when Eddie Edwards interfered
Kongo Kong b. Matt Sigmon – Top rope splash
Veterans of War b. Fallah Bahh/Mario Bokara – Magic Killer to Bokara
LAX b. Decay – Street Sweeper through a table to Steve

Friday

Nothing.

Saturday

Nothing.

Sunday

Payback 2017
Date: April 30, 2017
Location: SAP Center, San Jose, California
Commentators: Michael Cole, Booker T., Corey Graves

And now, the most oddly booked, unnecessary and likely meaningless pay per view of the year! We're four weeks removed from Wrestlemania and somehow it seems like a far more distant memory. This was going to be your run of the mill rematch pay per view but the Superstar Shakeup has rendered a lot of the top matches worthless. Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt is now non-title while Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho haven't interacted in weeks. Fun for everyone you see. Let's get to it.

Kickoff Show: Enzo Amore/Big Cass vs. Anderson and Gallows

Enzo and Cass talk about Chinese food and say that Anderson and Gallows' fortune cookie will call them sawft. Amore pounds on Anderson to start and hits a running kick to the ribs. The offense doesn't last long though as Gallows kicks him down and works on the arm until we go to a break.

Back with Anderson breaking up a hot tag attempt at the last minute, only to have the second attempt work a few seconds later. Cass starts cleaning house with the corner splashes, only to have Enzo make a blind tag. Gallows pulls him off the apron a second later for a big crash but Cass breaks up the Magic Killer. A small package finishes Gallows at 6:39.

We're not done on the Kickoff Show as we have MizTV with special guest Finn Balor. Miz asks what the deal is with the long entrance and Finn says it's the Balor Club. That doesn't quite make sense as Miz wants to know what it takes to get into the Balor Club. Finn puts it up to the crowd who approve of Maryse but not so much of Miz.

We hear about Balor's success worldwide but Miz thinks Finn might feel like a failure. Balor mentions all the injuries he suffered in a match that he still managed to win and become the Universal Champion (my goodness imagine where his career would be if he didn't win that match). Miz mentions all the time away and asks what's next for Balor. Finn makes it simple: he wants his title back.

Miz brings up Lesnar being the Beast but Balor is ready to fight a bigger man, just like he has for his entire career. A fight is about to break out but Miz hides behind Maryse. Miz isn't worth the beating so Finn goes to leave, only to have Miz call him out. One Sling Blade later and Miz is quickly shut up as Finn destroys the set.

The opening video is a simple look at the matches with a theme of retribution. Nothing special but it's all it needed to be.

US Title: Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens

Owens is defending after taking the title from Jericho at Wrestlemania. The story would call for a big violent gimmick here but nah, let's just let it be a standard rematch instead with IT'S RAW VS. SMACKDOWN serving as the gimmick instead. Kevin bails to the floor to start and gets sent into the announcers' table to let Jericho take over. Owens has to roll away from a Jericho dive to the floor but makes the stupid decision to roll back inside, allowing Jericho to hit a top rope elbow to the jaw.

The springboard dropkick is broken up (which should be attributed to Owens being such a big Jericho fan) and Owens nails the Cannonball against the barricade. We hit the chinlock (Owens: “ASK HIM!”) as Cole continues running down both guys' resumes. One heck of a clothesline drops Jericho again and it's right back to the chinlock. Back up and Jericho misses a charge but gets in a quick enziguri for two of his own.

A superkick out of the corner gives Owens two more and the Cannonball is good for the same. The Pop Up Powerbomb is countered with a hurricanrana into the Walls. Owens gets to the ropes by a finger again so Jericho crushes the hand beneath the steps. The bad hand means Owens can't hit the Pop Up Powerbomb so it's back to the Walls....for the tap out and the title at 14:06, sending Jericho over to Smackdown.

Jericho signs a kid's List on the way up the ramp.

Cruiserweight Title: Neville vs. Austin Aries

Neville is defending in another Wrestlemania rematch where Neville raked the eyes to retain the title. An armdrag and a running shoulder in the corner have Neville flummoxed early on and it's time to lay on the top rope. It's way too early for the 450 though as Neville dropkicks the rope for the break.

We're already in the chinlock for a bit before Aries fights up and hits the middle rope elbow to the back. Aries sends him outside for a suicide dive, followed by a suplex back inside. A running forearm in the corner looks to set up the 450 but Neville bails out to the floor for safety. Not that it matters as Aries grabs a sunset bomb to set up the Last Chancery. Neville is in trouble but grabs the referee for the DQ at 11:19.

Aries post-match protests don't get him anywhere.

Tag Team Titles: Sheamus/Cesaro vs. Hardys

The Hardys are defending after winning the titles at Wrestlemania in a ladder match. Cesaro and Matt start things off as an OBSOLETE chant starts up. Jeff comes in for a BROTHER NERO chant and it's almost immediately back to Matt. So much for that chant. Cesaro and Sheamus start in on the arm but it's right back to Jeff to speed things up. The legdrop between the legs and a seated dropkick set up the splash for two. Why does no one else ever do that?

Not that it matters as Sheamus sends him hard out to the floor and it's time for the heat segment. Sheamus' middle rope knee gets two and it's off to the chinlock. Back up and Sheamus kicks him in the face with Corey calling him the “alabaster gladiator”. It's right back to the chinlock as Jeff seems to have lost a tooth somewhere in there. He's still able to kick Cesaro away and make the hot tag though as things pick up.

A DELETE middle rope elbow sets up the Side Effect for two. Matt's moonsault misses though and it's the Cesaro Swing into the Sharpshooter. A rope is quickly grabbed so Sheamus comes back in for a super White Noise in a great crash. Jeff makes a last second save but Sheamus breaks up the Twist of Fate. Sheamus powerslams Matt but Jeff makes a blind tag and hits the Swanton for the pin to retain at 12:48.

Post match the Hardys shake their hands, only to have Sheamus and Cesaro turn on them and beat them up. If that doesn't set up a rematch with the Broken Hardys at Extreme Rules, nothing is going to.

Braun Strowman promises to hurt Roman Reigns.

Women's Title: Alexa Bliss vs. Bayley

Bayley is defending in her hometown. Bliss gets slammed to start and a knee drop gets two, followed by a long series of rams into the buckle. Alexa comes right back with a HARD shot to the head and the slow beating begins. As is normally the case, Alexa beats on Bayley and looks extra annoyed while doing so. She gets so much mileage out of her facial expressions. The chinlock is quickly broken so Bliss clotheslines her back down. Bliss spends a bit too much time trash talking though and gets caught in a Stunner over the ropes.

A belly to back suplex gives Bayley two but she takes too much time going to the ropes and gets sent hard into the buckle. Bayley can't get the super Bayley to Belly and gets pulled down with a Code Red for two. Bliss gets kneed in the face though and the Macho Elbow gets two more. A rollup gives Bayley two but the kickout sends her into the post. Bayley is so stunned that a DDT gives Bliss the pin and the title at 11:19.

We recap the House of Horrors match, which means we'll finally get to know what the heck it is. The match is non-title due to the Superstar Shakeup but that gives Bray a slight chance of winning, perhaps due to some Jinder Mahal interference. Randy Orton beat Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania for the title and this is the (meaningless) gimmick rematch.

Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt

Non-title. The match is going to start in Bray's House of Horrors and will wind up in the ring where it's pinfall, submission or forfeiture. We go to the inside of a limo where Orton is firing himself up and wearing pants. The House of Horrors is an actual house....and a tractor goes by with no one on it. The door is locked so Orton kicks his way in and we start the rapid camera cuts.

Bray's voice says run and he jumps Orton from behind. Randy is thrown into various things as the House of Horrors looks like a not great house that is being renovated. Bray disappears but reaches through a wall to choke Orton for a second and a half. The next room has baby dolls hanging from the ceiling in various mutilated forms and we hear babies talking.

Cue Wyatt for another attack but Orton throws him through a wall. They head to another room with more dolls and some weird structure made of sticks. That goes nowhere so it's off to a kitchen (the refrigerator says WE'RE HERE) with Orton getting the better of it. Bray tries to climb onto a counter and gets in a low blow. The refrigerator is shoved down onto Randy so Bray walks outside and steals Orton's limo. We'll come back to this later.

We recap Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe. Rollins was injured at Joe's hands earlier this year so tonight is really just about payback. As is often the case, the simpler ideas work best.

Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe

Joe punches him up against the ropes to start and they're quickly on the floor with Rollins chopping away. Seth hits the big suicide dive and a second one does just as well. The big guy gets smart and goes after the knee before hitting the suicide elbow to send Rollins over the announcers' table. Graves: “Like a flying school bus!”

A backsplash onto the knee has Rollins screaming and his comeback is cut off almost immediately. The Knee Capper sets up the kneebar until Seth scrambles to the ropes. Joe grabs a powerbomb into a half crab into the Texas Cloverleaf but Joe is at the ropes again. Seth comes back with a Sling Blade, followed by a superkick to the neck for two of his own.

For some reason Seth tries the Buckle Bomb and the knee gives out, though it's fine enough for a Falcon Arrow a few seconds later. That great looking frog splash bangs the knee up even more so the cover is only good for a delayed two. The Koquina Clutch is countered with a quick rope climb but Joe grabs the hold again, only to have Seth roll over for a cradle and the pin at 16:03.

Wyatt arrives back at the arena and stumbles into the ring. Cue Orton from behind with a chair (no word on how he got back) to start the beatdown, including sending Wyatt over the announcers' tables. There's the Elevated DDT off the table and Orton follows it up with another chair to the back. Back in and the RKO is loaded up but here are the Singh Brothers to go after Orton. They're dispatched just as quickly and there's the RKO to Wyatt. Now it's Jinder Mahal with the belt to Orton's head twice in a row, setting up Sister Abigail for the pin at 4:22 shown in the ring, not counting about ten minutes in the House.

We recap Braun Strowman vs. Roman Reigns. Strowman destroyed Reigns in an incredible segment but has since gone 0-1-1 against Big Show and Kalisto for reasons that aren't clear. Tonight Reigns is back for revenge.

Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman

Reigns is very banged up coming in. He goes right after Strowman and hits a clothesline off the steps to drop the monster on the floor. The apron kick is pulled out of the air and Strowman chokeslams him onto the announcers' table. A powerslam gets two and Reigns is getting some sympathy for FINALLY being an underdog.

The bad shoulder is sent hard into the steps and it's off to a waistlock back inside. Strowman misses a charge into the corner and Reigns somehow hits a Samoan drop for two. They head outside with Reigns charging at Strowman and managing to send him into the post twice in a row.

The spear gets two back inside (giving us a reaction from a young girl that we'll likely see weekly from now on) but the second attempt hits boot. Two Superman Punches drop Braun but a third is caught in that head and arm choke. The powerslam only gets two so Strowman does it again for the pin at 11:20.

Post match Strowman throws in some steps (Fans: “THANK YOU STROWMAN!”) and drops Reigns ribs first onto the steel in a big crash. Braun lifts the steps over his head and brings them crashing down onto his ribs in a cringe inducing landing. Strowman is as over as free beer in a frat house and Reigns is bleeding from the mouth (Fans: “YOU DESERVE IT!”) to end the show.

Results
Chris Jericho b. Kevin Owens – Walls of Jericho
Austin Aries b. Neville via DQ when Neville grabbed the referee
Hardys b. Sheamus/Cesaro – Swanton Bomb to Sheamus
Alexa Bliss b. Bayley – DDT
Seth Rollins b. Samoa Joe – Cradle
Bray Wyatt b. Randy Orton – Sister Abigail
Braun Strowman b. Roman Reigns – Powerslam

Quick Results

Monday Night Raw
Matt Hardy b. Sheamus – Twist of Fate
Austin Aries/Jack Gallagher b. TJ Perkins/Neville – Discus Fivearm to Perkins
Kalisto b. Braun Strowman – Kalisto knocked Strowman into the dumpster
Dana Brooke b. Alicia Fox – Samoan Driver
Finn Balor/Big Cass/Seth Rollins b. Samoa Joe/Anderson and Gallows – Jumping knee to Anderson
Sasha Banks b. Alexa Bliss via countout
Apollo Crews b. Curt Hawkins – Toss Powerbomb
Miz/Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose/Chris Jericho went to a no contest

Smackdown
AJ Styles b. Baron Corbin – Sunset flip
American Alpha b. Colons – Grand Amplitude to Epico
Randy Orton b. Erick Rowan – RKO
Breezango b. Ascension – Falcon Arrow to Viktor
Naomi b. Charlotte via DQ when the Welcoming Committee interfered

NXT
Drew McIntyre b. Andrade Cien Almas – Running boot to the face
Aleister Black b. Kona Reeves – Black Mass
Tyler Bate b. Jack Gallagher – Tyler Driver 97

Impact Wrestling
Matt Sydal b. Trevor Lee – Shooting star press
Christina Von Eerie b. Ava Storie – Super Backstabber
Davey Richards b. Moose via DQ when Eddie Edwards interfered
Kongo Kong b. Matt Sigmon – Top rope splash
Veterans of War b. Fallah Bahh/Mario Bokara – Magic Killer to Bokara
LAX b. Decay – Street Sweeper through a table to Steve

Payback 2017
Chris Jericho b. Kevin Owens – Walls of Jericho
Austin Aries b. Neville via DQ when Neville grabbed the referee
Hardys b. Sheamus/Cesaro – Swanton Bomb to Sheamus
Alexa Bliss b. Bayley – DDT
Seth Rollins b. Samoa Joe – Cradle
Bray Wyatt b. Randy Orton – Sister Abigail
Braun Strowman b. Roman Reigns – Powerslam
__________________


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Yes
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I am
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in fact
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Originally Posted by klunderbunker
better than you.
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