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  #2231  
Old 07-13-2016, 05:27 PM
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Feedback up for a lot of you. My intent is to give feedback for everybody, but I've unable to finish up the rest so far and have been sitting on these ones for a while. The intent is to get the rest done tonight.

Titus

What I liked

I liked the backstory you made for Johnny Klamor. I love it when when I read RP’s where the announcers and WZCW NPC’s have a little edge to them, when we get something beyond the standard question and answer. The back and forths with Klamor were the best parts. I like Titus’ mannerisms and the way he speaks. One of the secrets to writing successful RP’s is understanding how your character talks and what he should say. You have this down with Titus. Ever since he turned heel you’ve had no problems with him.

What I didn’t like

Some parts just didn’t click or feel natural. I didn't care for the scene where Titus was at the MMA shop. I get what you were trying to do, people standing up to Titus. I think a pair of teens would’ve worked better than MMA store worker Dave. His dialogue didn’t work for me. Vee has MMA experience so I don’t so why is he picking Titus to win that match? Similarly with the next part, I understood the points you were making, the execution felt awkward at times. Titus came off as an upset child, all bitter and resentful. Because of all that I couldn’t fully feel the anger Titus felt.

Vee A.D.Z.

What I liked

Keith Moore was a highlight for me. His dialogue was unique and different. Aside from hammering home the point of “wanting a championship (More on that later), he was very entertaining. I like the descriptive lines in-between most of your dialogue. They add so much to the body of your RP, and help the reader visual things. I felt this RP had very good structure, in that you had an idea and that you carried it out and made sure the points you were trying to make got across. I’m not a fan of matches in RP’s, but these were well written. Vee’s sort of interview with Stacey had some good points and the meeting with his Dad was a feel good to the RP.

What I didn’t like.

There were several times where the wording or phrasing of something that just bothered me. Right in the opening paragraph, “Apparently, she had returned from England for Vee’s Unscripted week.” I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be there. Did they have a fight? Prior engagements? I read your last RP to find out any reason why, but didn’t find anything. Grammatically Vee’s first two lines were awkward. What bothered me the most was the last line “I just… I am so excited to meet them!” Meet, to me, implies first time seeing. I understand he’s excited to “meet his parents”, but “see my parents” works better. Because these all came so fast, it made enjoying your RP more difficult, even when we didn’t see faults as much. Keith rushing them because he had another appointment in 45 minutes made no sense. Why would he agree to the appointment if I had to be somewhere in 45 minutes? To me the whole “needed to be somewhere else “was unnecessary. He drove home the point of “wanting a championship”, that was further driven by the match flashback, and then was not made a focal point of your closing remarks. You built it all up throughout the RP, and then touched a bunch of other different points at the end and it kind of fizzled at the end. From the roster page, I understand from the roster page Vee’s gimmick is an intellect. I’m just not seeing that in the dialogue. I think the RP was good, just a whole bunch of little things really bogged it down for me.

Tony Mancini

What I like

I liked that you use description between dialogues. I wish you wouldn’t use it after every time someone speaks. Maybe try grouping 2 or 3 peoples dialogue together, or make them longer. Your setting was clear and easy to understand. In the second part you had some clear cut points. You had ideas you wanted to get across and they did.

What I didn’t like

You have an incredibly serious event that occurs in this RP, and you completely miss the emotion. I don’t know what you built up previously to this moment, but what I got out from reading it all is Tony is a boring robot, and nothing has changed. Your next RP you could write them alive or dead, Tony is the same person. This type of event in an RP is one chance, you can’t recreate this type of moment, and character development, connection with the audience, depth, these are things that needed to be created by the moment and none of them happened. The detective was a poorly written ass. Tony was not believable. Honestly I would’ve had him punch the dick and serve the jail time, since the next scene began 4 days later. I hate when people write tough guys and don’t have embarrassing stuff happen to them, or show emotion, weakness, or feelings. Tony’s one dimensional, he’s a tough guy. He’s not funny, he’s uncaring. He doesn’t talk long enough for me to care what he says. There’s a lot of 1 or 2 line generic tough guy talk. All of this needs to improve before you can have any consistent success here.

Luke Manson

What I liked

I liked the focal point of getting fans to vote for street fight. When we have a PPV like Unscripted or LL, or the roulette rounds, I like when people make references to the variables of it. In this case, try to stir support for a stipulation. I like Coach, he has character and he’s believable. You write him as well as you write Luke. Luke is very believable too. I liked how he was nervous, I like how his confidence built throughout the RP. The description was feel detailed and added to the dialogue.

What I disliked

I felt more could’ve have been said about your opponent. Somethings were explained, but going into a match such as a street fight, I’m not feeling the raw anger or rivalry between you both. It seems like this is the match, he’s the opponent, he has this guy and other ways to manipulate the situation, go and write about it. I don’t feel like this is something that’s been building up between you.

Eve Taylor

What I liked

Wow. In some regards this could be the best RP I’ve ever read. It’s brilliant in its delivery, in its message. It flows without missing a bit. Its points are all valid. It keeps building, slowly at first, and then when Eve talks, Reynolds and Holmes are just destroyed. Eve’s desire for more is clear. I’m honestly rooting for her now to go all the way and I think you are the odds on favourite to win LL and KC. Do that and I will hold you up to Ty Burna status.

What I disliked

It was different, and because it was different we didn’t have things we would normally see in other RPs. It reminded me sort of of FunKay’s RP at KC 5. There I think he wrote an RP entirely of description. It was a word wall. This is a skinny word wall? No this wasn’t difficult to read, but I feel because it’s pretty straight forward with not a whole lot to it, people are either going to like it or not. I don’t think there will be many, if any, people that won’t like it, but that’s how I feel. I’m reaching to dislike something about this.

Austin Reynolds

What I liked

This looked like an incredibly long RP, but it was actually quite easy to read. The stories were very well told. I like that everything about Reynolds was explained to me. I understand so much more about him now. His bitter resentfulness is clear. The opportunities he now has are all because of the most evil person in WZCW. Reynolds speaks one way and the description shows his feelings in another way, which allows more details to present themselves. He’s deeply conflicted. Likes and hates himself all at once. Everything builds up to Reynolds snapping at Leon and then coasts from there. You do an excellent job with everyone, Leon, Holmes, Constantine, even Abel has some good believable lines. Although there is so much going on in this RP, there are some particular points that stand out and get repeatedly brought back to, and this helps me understand what your trying for.

What I disliked

I wish something more could have been done to divide past and present. I see there’s a double line space, but a couple of times I read it and had to stop because I didn’t realize I was in a flash back. A line, or maybe even spoilers, would’ve helped. I get why you wanted to explain this all in one RP and left a lot of questions in prior RPs, but I think more should’ve been said or hinted at. A lot of what was said I guessed on my own, but knowing certain things ahead of time, such as your bitterness towards Ricky Runn, it could’ve allowed you to expand more, rather than explain the whole thing. The end part with Constantine was too long. I would’ve ended the RP soon after Leon left. A lot, a lot of focus was put on Eve and the Elite Title. So much so, that the whole thing with Constantine wasn’t adding much more. In fact, I think it made Reynolds look weaker leaning on Constantine. Straight up, should’ve been them sitting at the bar, question about how we can beat her, straight up numbers and her obsessions, cheers to a dominant stable. After Leon left, Reynolds basically conformed to his new pals, and his edge was watered down. I don’t mind seeing Reynolds be one of the guys, but I’d like to see him do this with a ting of regret. He’s not happy about his predicament, but he’ll do whatever is asked and whatever he wants. This are personal dislikes. This was a great RP. All because of Steven Holmes.

Xaitlyn Serpiente

What I liked

There’s been some grammatical improvement from the last RP that I read of yours. It was neatly divided and easy to read. The song was interesting to say the least, but the most important thing was it informed the reader something about your character. Kit was odd but intriguing. You need to paint the reader more of a picture of who Xaitlyn is and what makes her tick. It will make writing easier and clearer.

What I disliked

Breaking the RP in to two RP’s was not necessary. I wouldn’t hold it against you, but this should be just one. About the only time you should use 2 RPs is when working together with a partner and wanting 1 event to happen before another. What your characters are saying is not making sense from one line to the next.

Click for Spoiler:
Brendon: I am really proud of your performance against Tony Mancini.

Xaitlyn watches Brendon with a surprised look while he continues.

Brendon: I know that you lost your second consecutive match in WZCW. But the improvement shown by you in your second match impressed me. Competing a heavyweight like Mancini while being not even half of his weight is just too good.

Xaitlyn: Thanks. I am happy that I could do something to make you proud of myself. Still I couldn't get the win but I am determined enough to get my first win in WZCW as soon as possible.

Brendon is quite happy with her focused response and doesn't hesitate to show his happiness.

Brendon: That's what I wanted in you in the first place. Focus. Determination. Wins and Losses are secondary, Your performance in the ring is primary. I am truly glad for you and I am expecting you to win your debut PPV match at Unscripted.


Brendon says wins and losses are secondary, but brings them up early. Xaitlyn says the word determined, but before and after that she mentions win. How can Brendon feels she gets it, that wins are secondary, if that’s all she thinks about. Brendon should’ve scolded Xaitlyn and reaffirmed where her mind should be. That or it all should’ve changed. The second part didn’t read much better. The font choice made it difficult to read Sana. More emphasis should’ve been made for your upcoming match and teaming with LaBelle. I don’t like the fact that your losses are continually brought up, or the fact that you don’t care about wins and losses. It makes no sense. You’re much more likely to dismantle opponents if you win, just saying. I’d stop all together saying you’ve lost 3 or 4 matches, or that your winless, and instead talk about specific struggles in the ring and write about growth in learning and craving more. It would work with your character.

Xander LaBelle

What I liked

The setting was very detailed. It created this wonderful image in my head. I love the banter between Labelle and Adonis. They’re both stuck up, but in their own right. I can tell in this RP alone how important Labelle and Adonis are to each other. I get so much understanding of their characters from their dialogue. From Labelle’s closing remarks I understand who he is and what his goals are. The points came across good, and the whole thing read well. This is a well written RP for anyone reading for the first time.

What I disliked

The description was nice and a much needed break in between dialogues. It mainly focused on eating, drinking, and facial expressions and gestures. They were in conversations with groups of people before the conversation started, suddenly they were the only two men in the room. I can see if this was clearly done to add further smug and arrogance to their characters, the camera fixated on their faces, but I would’ve liked to see more full body gestures and interactions with others, maybe even speaking to one and singing the other’s praises. I think you could’ve pulled it off. I’m suggesting this because I really don’t have much I dislike, and thing maybe more variety could’ve added to great RP.

Flex Mussel

What I liked

There were a lot of things going on in this RP. The opening was interesting. I know nothing about the feud that’s gone on between you and Slaughter, so I’m not sure what it all means, I’m not sure if it was meant to tie into Flex’s father. It was a tone setter that worked at times. I think I get the theme you were trying to do, Flex overcoming his fears. There were parts that really worked. The final part was touching. Mother Mussel stole the show.

What I disliked

There were a lot of things going on in this RP. I haven’t read any of your RP’s this cycle, so I don’t know if you’ve been building towards anything. I wasn’t lost on who the characters were and their basic purpose, but between dream sequences, flashbacks, best friends and ex girlfriends, introduction of a sister, mother, it was a lot to take in, not sure about how this all came about. Flex was not the focus or driving star of this RP, and neither was your opponent. Everyone from Charles to Mother Mussel drove this story and I felt Flex was just there for the ride. I didn’t feel a connection to Flex early on and because of that I didn’t enjoy it as much as I should’ve

Ramparte

What I liked

Right away I’m drawn in by your detailed description. Ramparte’s actions are magnified when they need to be, and the whole thing reads smooth. I like the way Ramparte talks, er writes, it’s unique and creative. Ramparte’s inner struggle and turmoil is clearly present and interests me. I think just the right amount was said about your opponent. I think that one line about killing Kagura said it all. Good tension breaker that lead to a nice ending. Sometimes we all just need to scream.

What I disliked

Honestly, so far the toughest one to give an answer to. Got sick watching that video. I disliked the fact that your RP had to end. That’s all I got, if I think of something else I don’t like I’ll let you know.

Kagura Joheki

What I liked

Ech you are an artist. I like your description, first of the setting, then tone. You provide excellent description of Kagura’s movements and mannerisms. Dialogue tends to get a little tongue tied at times, but Kagura is one sick evil person. You have an excellent way with words.

What I disliked

It was very repetitive. I think I read 9 times where you referenced stealing his voice and how he won’t get it back, no matter what. You made some direct references to Ramparte’s growing feelings for Batti, and that seemed like an attempt to add something else. I look at this RP and I see that you had an idea or two, and then ran with it a few times over till you had an RP. Great writing, each part excellent dialogue, just was re done over and over with a little extra each time.
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  #2232  
Old 07-14-2016, 01:13 AM
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Blackjack Theron

What I liked

It looks like a lot of time and effort went into this RP and in terms of its structure, it shows. We got the set up, the turning point, and the conclusion, and all three were well paced, solidly written, explained many things while leaving some mystery regarding what will happen from here. It’s been a long time since I read one of your RP’s, whereas I struggled at times understanding the world Theron lived in, this one was easier to follow and clear in its intent. I don’t need to tell you that you are a terrific writer. This was a well written RP.

What I disliked

Two things, and one has nothing to do with the RP really. The first thing is when you discussed your opponents. All too often you see this in triple threat or fatal four ways where a paragraph, 2 tops, gets devoted to each opponent. The RP’er writes his story, says a few things about his opponents, and ends it. That’s pretty much the template here, although to be fair to you given the way Theron talks there’s nothing plain or ordinary about it. The ripping character sheets aside, which I really did like, I would’ve liked to see you dissect your opponents more with Tiffany under your new gimmick. Maybe focus on one more than the others. That brings me to your gimmick change. I think it’s brilliant what you have done, Shawn playing a character playing another character. There’s a lot of potential there, but I think you got cold feet about switching to chaotic good. What I’m worried about is rather than having this edgy, dangerous good guy, we’ll get a watered down version instead, because nobel good guy Daggershield is playing the Chaotic good Blackjack. Talking with Tiffany in the 2nd part, there wasn’t much different between Daggershield preparing for the match, and Blackjack preparing for it. Yea he mentioned “opportunities” instead of “making sure”, but the difference is comparable to vanilla and vanilla with mocca. I’m confused how his transition went unnoticed to him, but then in the interview he acknowledged the changes. Wouldn’t he just assume he’s always been this way? The RP is great, the gimmick I’m concerned about, but I know what you’re capable of, so I’m not too worried.

Veejay

What I liked

I liked that you went in a very clear direction. I get the feeling that there’s some bad blood between Veejay and Doe, and maybe you’ve seen some buttons being passes around, but I liked that you made Doe your main focus. It was smart that you didn’t completely forget about Theron and Ryder. It was also smart to put us over, in case you did compete against one of them and beat them. Barging into Bateman’s office, I don’t know if it was out of character, but it worked for me. It gave it a personal touch that I honestly haven’t seen in most of the RP’s I read.

What I disliked

It was a little on the short side, a little bare bones. Veejay’s a movie star, so I understand the voicemail thing, but it just seemed like filler. I would’ve liked to see something with Veejay’s wife, maybe a flash back to one of these stalking incidents. Some more description between some dialogues would’ve helped. Veejay grinded his teeth and slammed some things, and I would’ve liked to see more. Beyond those things, the RP was good, and kept me interested enough to see what happens next.

James Howard

What I liked

I see we’re playing the role of Kevin Owens today. I like it, there’s always going to be that connection between Howard and Mikey, so why not go there. It shows what Howard’s main focus is, and that he’s prepared to go whatever to get there. I loved the calmness to start RP before it began to build up. Your focus on McAllister was outstanding. I read this is one of Foley’s books, the secret to being a good heel is believing that you are right, no matter how ridiculous it may be. You found something to attack McAllister with, that Howard can relate to, and you sound so in the right it’s hard to argue against Howard, except for the fact he’s a jerk. The second last paragraph was chillingly good. Great ending…

What I disliked

What? No Aerosmith? Fore sham. Aside from a lack of a musical ending, I don’t have much. It could’ve benefitted from some sort of descriptive ending, rather than the straight end. There wasn’t much that I disliked. For a thrown together feud, I thought it was great.

Logan McAllister

What I liked

Ah Bostonian dialect. It’s a setting all by itself. I enjoyed a lot of the dialogue between the family. I would’ve like to see more descriptive setting to start the sections. It really helps build a tone and adds to the dialogue. Good presentation on Logan’s family. It’s nice to see things are good for them, but there needs to be conflict at some point and time. I might have also combined the two Hayden sections. Maybe have them leaving Wrigley to get pizza. I liked how you sectioned everything off in the RP. You listened to a suggestion I gave you, about having something from the past, something present, and discussing your match. It doesn’t always have to be sectioned off, it could even be all in one, but I really liked that you did that. I would’ve liked to see Logan more mad in the first section. Otherwise, I liked most of the first two sections.

What I disliked

I hate seeing RP’s where character’s talk about losing and not being successful. It can be expressed in thought or action, but out right saying it bothers me. You’re having your character put himself down and it leaves you with a hole to dig yourself out. Logan came right out and said it in the interview with Stacey without being asked a question. The interview wasn’t great. The interviewer should lead your answers, your response should counter what they say and put yourself over. Logan also brought up “fluke”, which prompted Stacey to ask about it, which was never really answered there afterwards. If Stacey asks those questions first, you can dismiss them and put yourself over, talk about getting advice or building towards a goal. When Logan took the mic from Stacey, that paragraph came off very heel to me. Logan’s character is better suited as a heel than a face. To bring my example Kevin Owens again, you can be a great dad and still a jerk. Last thing, you missed a golden opportunity when Stacey asked about the stipulations. Logan just promised his kid he would win a title by next year. Talk about the title shot and give some heartfelt reason why you need to win this match and get that shot. Touch up on these areas and you have yourself a good RP.
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  #2233  
Old 07-22-2016, 07:26 PM
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Justin Cooper

What I liked

If this RP is the only one from your team (I have my suspicions that Jeff did submit an RP to creative), then it did as good of a job as it could've on its own. You did a very good job painting the scene. There was lot's of description in the beginning. I like Robert, he reminds me of Mick from Rocky. I feel that training scenes are typically bland and overdone. Not this one. It felt different, I was able to get a good understanding about each character, how they behave and act and how they are feeling. I like the fact that the RP went from Cooper being the strong link and Keaton being the weak one, to the opposite. The limping line at the end was a nice finish to an RP that clearly foreshadowed this. If your partner didn't RP, at least you helped build him and your team up.

What I disliked

The description died towards the 2nd half and became very dialogue heavy. Especially after Keaton's passionate speech regarding your opponents, I would've like to see you dive into have Cooper was feeling, aside from the knee pain. A sense of pride, or a twinkle in his eye, something to indicate both how proud he was of his partner, and the fear that this knee injury could spell disaster. Despite the knee pain, I would've liked to have seen Cooper stand up from the wall and take a step, fighting through the pain. It was great how you passed along confidence to your partner, I just would've liked to see Cooper overcome his newfound fear also. All in all though, great RP.

Constantine/Hunnicutt

What I liked

I've decided to combine both. I liked the church setting. It's a nice quiet place for reflection and thought. It's a also a place where childhood trauma usually gets revealed. Very happy it wasn't the pastor. It set a very serious tone to start. I liked reading RP's where the beginning and ending are really connected. In this case there were two lines I liked "Everything happens for a reason" and "Strength, my son. Your biggest challenges are yet to come" Holmes is the reason for Vis Imperium coming together, but given the history it makes sense for Constantine to be cautious. Despite all that Holmes and Constantine's Dad have done to him, it makes sense that he still feels a need to prove himself. FunKay continues the reflection, this time with Abel. I haven't read a Hunnicutt RP since one of his first. I really like his distinct dialect. I like how you kept the dark and serious tone. I like that we learned about Abel's broken upbringing, it really shows that these two have a lot more in common than appearances would have you believe. Holmes and Constantine bickering was a highlight. These two RP's worked really well together.

What I disliked

I didn't care for the opening. I suppose it goes with your current gimmick (weren't you a sack carrying psycho a few months ago?), but I've would've gone low key with the intro. Entering the church by yourself and the look inside reminding you of good and bad times, leading to Erik. The fanfare intro I felt just didn't go with the rest of the RPs. Abel's dialogue can get tiring and difficult to read after a while. Yours didn't, but I'm just saying.

Garth Black

What I liked

I love a good shoot. Won myself a couple of titles with these types of RPs. Something about an individual promo just appeals to me. You say all the right things here. Something I always found useful in RPing is referencing the past. Matches, promos, statements e.t.c. There’s gold there that you can build entire RP’s off of. I like how you referenced Garth’s past highlighting his struggles, but didn’t do it in such a way to make Black come off looking bad or negative. Let’s face it, Garth’s hasn’t had much success her up until now. You could’ve easily talked about your past and made yourself look out of place in a WZCW title match. I didn’t feel that. Garth vs the Machine is what’s kept Garth back, not Garth. And the way you call out Stormrage and Tastic. Like I said, the past is gold. Really liked the whole build up of this RP.

What I disliked

It was on the verge of becoming too long. At times it was a little all over the place. In the middle especially it bounced back and forth between past and present. Otherwise I got nothing.


Mikey Stormrage

What I liked

It only makes sense to have a Pokemon Go moment in a Stormrage RP. As expected, this RP was very relaxed. As an underdog holding the biggest title in WZCW, you made some good points about living the dream and how its changed your life. It was nice to read about the Hell in the Cell and Mikey’s history inside the cell. Some good things were said about Tastic, but you saved the best for Black, which I think was the right move.

What I disliked

It was a little underwhelming. It’s the character really. He’s too relaxed and jolly. He says what needs to be said, but I just don’t feel the emotion when I read it. He’s very oh well and wo is me to start, and by the time you get to your opponents, I don’t believe that you believe what you are saying. I’d have liked to see someone like Klamour push or challenge Stormrage, rather than good old buddy Leon. Really bother Stormrage until he see a moment of anger or rage. Black has really laid it thick on you, so I would’ve really liked to see him bother Stormrage. Black should have been more of your focus. Stormrage has a lot to prove in this match, that his win wasn’t a fluke, so I would’ve liked to see more of that out of him. Overall it was a good RP, it just didn’t have an “it” factor to it to put it over the top.

Matt Tastic

What I liked

This was really good. A long way from Kickassery. Speaking of Kickassery, we see Alisha return from that era. The whole back and worth was a good set up to go along with the quote. I liked the whole theme of the RP, very reflective of what’s happening right now in the world. Garth Black was your main focus and that was smart. Tactic knows he’s the better man, and I loved in your last paragraph how you really made that apparent. Right now no one in WZCW has had as much success and accomplishments as you have. I used that frequently as Showtime and now you’re doing the same thing.

What I disliked

I’d like to say something bothered me, or that you could’ve done something better, but I really can’t come up with anything. It was very good.
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  #2234  
Old 08-02-2016, 10:13 AM
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Numbers - Austin Reynolds RP. Unscripted.

Wow, that is a serious piece of work. The cutaway flashbacks told a deep and complex story that shows what Austin's life was like whilst he was shelved. There's not a huge amount to really criticise, though I'd say Leon is grittier than usual. It fits with the tone of the piece overall but it's not the Leon everyone else uses, adding depth to a character like Leon is never a bad thing. I'm more complaining that development of that nature is difficult to make stick in any meaningful way which is a damn shame. Leon as the put upon journalist as opposed to the weak and frail face interviewer makes the character much more fun.

I rarely read other people's RPs these days so I'm glad your feedback encouraged me to read yours. It's good work but some sentences overstay their welcome a little and the tone you've chosen is a hard one to maintain.

8/10. Deserving match winner.
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  #2235  
Old 08-16-2016, 02:00 AM
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Warning- This maybe fatal for your RolePlay career. All I am gonna tell is how I feel as a simple RolePlay reader. Nothing else.

*. Ramparte (Spidey)
=>Spam Thoughts: Damn Good!
=> This is a great piece to read. The emotions have been rightly exposed in this RolePlay of yours. Referring each champion be it singles or tag in your RolePlay enhanced the quality of your RolePlay a lot. This RolePlay for me is easily deserving of a championship win. It even could be a world title win as it's worthy enough to justify that..

*. Tony/Anthony Mancini (Frank N Stein)
=>Spam Thoughts: Your Best till now!
=> This is your best RolePlay for me until now. We needed to learn that Mancini is also a human being and however may the parents behave with their children, 90% children do love their parents. The emotions shown by Mancini were quite right. Grammatical errors were absent which is good for you. My only problem is that it isn't enough. I know Quality > Quantity, but given that it's Roulette Round, and you could even face Black for the World Title, I would've preferred more stuff. Still Kudos to you for such a good piece.

More to come later.
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  #2236  
Old 08-16-2016, 12:21 PM
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Vee A.D.Z. (Prince Vee)

Not to much here as I thought it was a decent RP but there is something I feel I have to mention.

Your sentence structure makes it pretty obvious that English is not your first language. It reads like it just got spit out by Google translate and that's not a good thing. If it happened once or twice it wouldn't be a big deal but it's numerous times in every paragraph. When I read your RPs it takes me out of the scene your trying to paint for the reader which as you know is a bad thing.

If you need a native English speaker to help with this my PM box is always open.
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  #2237  
Old 09-03-2016, 12:07 AM
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Xaitlyn Serpiente (Mr. Bean)


I'm going to be brutally honest here and I hope it's not to harsh.


I didn't like it much. I haven't really liked any of your RPs besides the last one. It gave us a look at Xaitlyn's past and it was unique and amazing. It gave you something to expand on in this and you failed. The letter was a nice touch but it was all there was. You didn't talk WZCW, your match or anything you should have talked about. It was very lackluster and the fact that everything was in a spoiler tag made it even worse. Had just the picture been in spoiler tags it would have been OK.

Your RPs need to concentrate on Xaitlyn and her life. What she's going through in & out of WZCW not her sister & her career.

I'm here if you need help as are others. Don't be afraid to send a PM if it's needed.
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  #2238  
Old 09-03-2016, 04:25 PM
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Vee A.D.Z. (Prince Vee)

you said you tried something new with this RP right? Well it worked, this is my favorite RP of yours to date.

I loved the interaction between Vee and his father. It's something I as a reader can relate to. my complaint above I had with your last RP wasn't there this time which made it a lot easier to read.

I would have liked if you had referenced your match a little bit more but that's more a personal thing than anything else. I've seen RPs that don't mention the match at all win.

I for one like this style for you and hope you keep using it. Awesome work.
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  #2239  
Old 09-03-2016, 07:11 PM
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Logan McAllister (K Web V3)

I liked it. The Boston accent is even growing on me.

Seriously though, you hit every point I like to see in an RP and I'm excited to see where this thing between Logan & Britney is going.


Is it enough for the Elite Openweight Championship? I really don't know. Numbers' RP is his usual amazing work so whoever comes out with the W & the title will have deserved it. Good luck.
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  #2240  
Old 09-04-2016, 06:02 PM
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Xander LeBelle W/Andrew Adonis (TBK W/The Doctor)

I really enjoyed this one. I like that Adonis was the focal point but still managed to discuss the match.

I know I gave Vee the win in the prediction thread but now I'm not so sure. You & Vee both did an amazing job this round and hit all the points I like to see in a RP.

Good luck in your match.
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