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  #1831  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:23 PM
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Last time I did feedback, it took me three and a half hours, so y'all are only getting six bullet points from this non-expert. I just found out about some other stuff I have to do, so if I didn't get you right away, I'm coming for you before tomorrow evening CAT.

Blade / Blade
*I noticed a few formatting errors. Nitpicking, really, but it draws attention away from your excellent story.
*Wrestlers are often sold on physical prowess (faces) or "ruthlessness"/cheating (the rest). Since your return (which is all I've read from you), you played to Blade's intellect. Original, fresh - appreciated it.
*Great symbolism in the things that Blade stole from management. Non-essentials that allow other items to function (or get buzzed). You didn't explain it away and force us at gunpoint to look at your subtlety either - thanks for that.
*Playful Blade was a good way to go with this - it adds to his charm and plays off Bateman's state of mind.
*You M Knight Shyamalan'ed me at the end there, very refreshing to not see a plot twist early on and to actually be surprised by it.
*Despite being a pro wrestler, Blade is very much grounded in reality. Everything he does in the RP's can happen in the real world (even if he's a bit dramatic with it). Just general credit, I guess.
*You get a seventh bullet point, because everything I haven't ragged on was damn fantastic.

Zeus ...as himself
*Yeah, well done. Good detail and believable dialogue throughout.
*The bits that dealt with the prison and prison life in general was my favourite part of the story. The "new gift" analogy with regards to prison visits was genius.
*Great addition of the npc. I imagine her to be blunt, sullen, mannish and far more intelligent than she lets on. Also a grim contrast to Zeus's cruel whimsy.
*Very, very, VERY creepy last part of the story. Although I'm not 100% a fan of the hymn at the end, the idea and gist of it is spine-shivering stuff.
*I did tell you it was a little bit Westhoffy, because of the relative formality of the service. Having said that, there's NO telling what crazy cultic crap might go down in the final RP of KG.
*This last point has to stay a little cryptic, but I'm hoping that you use that thing I told you to be thankful for and run wild with it in your KG RP. The time has come to use that shovel.

JAM as Amber Warren
*I can tell you right now, non-smarky wzcw-fans are huge supporters of Amber. She's very likeable without being a Mary Sue. Personally, I just want to snuggle with her in a non-sexual way.
*Props to you, FWR and Thrash for co-ordinating the tag-RP so well, despite one of the troops having diarr dihar dearr the shits.
*Some early character development in the interaction with Myles - Amber is showing fighting spirit, which makes her even more adorable.
*Your use of your teammates' dialogue was great, because it genuinely felt like Angel, Amber and Thrash have seperate voices and I assume it's easy to fall into the trap of all the characters sounding the same (especially if it's an unofficial team like Steelwing Honey).
*What I didn't like so much was how Amber kept shushing Thrash. I'm guessing that was to sell her pluckiness, but the thing is, Amber knows Thrash is a pretty emotional dude, so why be so hard on him?
*The middle part of a trilogy can totally end up being irrelevant and boring, since there is no initial mystique of satisfying climax (there's a sex joke in here somewhere). Your RP, however, didn't suffer from being the middle and stayed did more than just hold our hands until the finish.

...and Nightmare as Dustin Hunter
*How did you get this stipulation again? Great job of emphasizing how the mayhem rules would suit you.
*I'm a fan of semi-supernatural stuff. It's not reanimation or levitation, but Azazel just appearing and disappearing at will was great. It gave me chills when I thought about it, because this means Dustin is never really alone too...
*Like I told you, the bit about this new girl is creepy and borderline disgusting, depending on how much influence the ringmaster has over her. I love it, but I don't know how more queasy audiences will take it (see Krypto's last RP reaction).
*I know this is "vintage" Carnival of Carnage, but I'm really looking forward to this new direction The dad-angle has a lot of potential. It's a potential minefield of cliché, too, but the way it's been going so far tells me it's going to be good.
*Also more about the direction than the RP specifically, I see so much face potential in this angle. Kinda like a ghost-rider deal where Dustin and his spike free his girl from evil?
*While reading this whole RP, I get this awful, sickening feeling that Dustin Hunter is doing something that he'll regret forever. You kept a lot of his fun and human pre-carnie side and that makes the reader able to relate. Thumbs up for not making Dustin a zombie, btw...
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  #1832  
Old 07-11-2013, 11:08 PM
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Slice – David Whitman

I was digging the premise of the first half of the story. Some brief back story to help us the rest of us get a feel for David’s character. Like DC I’m sure his history is probably enormous, and I’m sure you’ve got quite a bit of information to cover explaining where David came from, how he got to this point, and where he plans to go. I’m digging the TSA storyline so far, though the piece of the puzzle that is David Whitman has really yet to be fully revealed.

What I liked most about the RP: The story telling and the narration were commendable despite being brief in some areas. I felt the first half of the RP was a solid lead in to the second half, even though the second half felt a little weak.

What I liked least about the RP: I was expecting a bit more character development this round. There’s allot of us that either got bogged down with time constraints or didn’t go all out because it wasn’t necessary with the granddaddy of all PPV’s being next round. But since David is still such a new character I was surprised when the development turned out to be quite light. While that won’t really count for or against you this round, if you write some big ass RP for KC trying to fit three rounds of development into one RP that tends to drag then that might cost you.

Truthfully I have no idea how long this TSA storyline is going to last, so if you are saving that development to push David forward then by all means stick to your schedule. If not then try not to spread yourself too thin, or get bogged down by writing bloated RP’s.
Overall I thought it was a solid effort. You’ve obviously got allot of writing talent and I’m interested in seeing where Whitman fits in the scheme of TSA.


TheRealDC - DC

I was interested in reading this after you hyped it up, and I feel like you really delivered on this one. I’m very impressed you write your RP’s on your phone. It would take me a damn long time to accomplish the same thing. I liked the idea behind integrating Numbers RP into yours, kind of like a direct response so that the timeline of events really match up. It was a smart idea in this handicap match.

What I liked most about the RP: Definitely the descriptions. Nothing felt forced or wasted, and each little transition and piece of dialogue felt like it had its own unique place. Some powerful pieces of dialogue in this RP too…

Quote:
Please, oh powerful mystical being of the universe! Tell me how in the hell, three stooges behind a masked fortune teller are going to reign terror over people when we seem more like a comedy act, who accidentally manages to make the good guys look bad once in a while! I'm not making the mistake of pretending I'm doing something good for this group. I'm done caring if we are on a mission! You're plan, isn't working for me. Mikey Stormrage against three of us... If we don't win, you're plan is f***ing void! I'm not making the mistake and believing you have him on the ropes...
That’s great stuff. The emotion is great. And this…

Quote:
In a fit of rage that would make Nicolas Cage jealous DC out right loses it. He grabs the chair in which he was siting and heaves it across the room. It shatters somewhere against an unlit wall. No one budges or reacts to it as DC can basically do nothing but scream in his tantrum. Once he stops he locks eyes with GM. Then promptly marches right up to him. Mason tries to step in front but GM holds a confident hand out as DC gets in GM's face. Mason stands with fists clinched.*
…That’s great imagery.

What I liked least about the RP: The first segment was a bit underwhelming and had a few formatting errors. No real biggie though. I felt the second half really drove the RP as a whole home.

This was my favorite RP that I’ve read from you yet. I’m hoping that you’ve found that niche that you’ve been looking for. I’m expecting you to hit on all cylinders at KC.


Phatso – Alex Bowen

Even though it may have been short this was a genuine effort. Six man tags can be clusterfucks, and at times it can be hard to either do some big collaboration or write something that isn’t just going to be written off as a third wheel. I felt this piece was unique because you gave Bowen some much needed character development. The premise of playing Russian roulette may have been a bit clichéd, but not focusing on repercussions of firing a gun in public place and instead the imagery of Bowen leaving his old persona behind and adopting a new one was the right decision. It wasn’t flashy, but it worked.

What I liked most about the RP: The dialogue is what really put it over for me. That first paragraph of dialogue where Bowen “sheds his skin” so to speak is what defines him moving away from the King of Mayhem and towards a new persona of a chaotic, poetically motivated justice hunter.

What I liked least about the RP: There were a couple of formatting errors with your dialogue. I felt the descriptions were a little lacking, as was the narration. The pacing moved a bit too fast for my liking, and I felt that your dialogue, while powerful, really needed both of those aspects to fully hit home.

Overall I thought the RP was good and you should have a great showing this round with your team; however, I’m expecting you to take this new side of Bowen and run with it at the PPV.


The Doctor – Action Saxton

Hard to believe that this will be your second to last RP for a while, but I hope you enjoy your retirement. I had to read JGlass’s piece first to set the scene for yours and the whole thing was hilarious. The adventures of Saboteur and Saxton will be missed post Kingdom Come. The dialogue was quite witty; I know you’ve stated before on the podcast that you’ve got plenty of ideas, and granted some are random as all hell, but they work because it’s well written.

What I liked most about the RP: The descriptions. They fit the dialogue like a perfectly crafted glove. Mexicans ninja’s riding dinosaurs, Armando Paradyse as a Ricky Martin double, and Saxton kicking ass like he always does; the transitions just flowed so well. It was an easy read too despite all the action, and that’s not an easy thing to do, but you have such a great handle on it so well that it always works.

What I like least about the RP: I know Saxton has a big stand alone monologue at the end of J’s piece, and that’s fine since both RP’s are technically one big submission, but I would have liked to have heard more about how Saxton sees his match at the Supershow, even if it was just a snippet or two. Generally speaking I like to see WZCW related development of a character inside of his handlers RP.

Overall I thought the RP was great. I hope you, JGlass, Crock, and Merk shoot for the stars at the PPV, and Saxton goes out with a bang.
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  #1833  
Old 07-14-2013, 02:39 PM
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Celeste Crimson

Pros:


The description and internal narration already sets this apart from most of the RPs I've read here. Admittedly, the length of the RP was intimidating and I almost didn't even bother reading it. However, if you take time to read mine, I'll read your RP. To that I'm glad I did. I get a better understanding of what is going on throughout this RP as to who the characters are and what they mean.

The holier than thou persona of Celeste and Steven is on full display. I dug the perceptive of an outside individual in first person, as opposed to just "another" first person character RP. I will definitely check out more of your work.

I'm interested in seeing how this all plays out after Kingdom Come now.

Cons:

Like I said the length was intimidating. Some of the description could have been tossed aside. But, there was purpose behind it. I found myself kind of stupid that I didn't understand a lot of the words being used. But that is more ignorance on my part then a red flag for you.

Overall:

I really did like it. The formatting was well done. There was a hiccup in grammar but nothing that took away the story being told. The interaction between Cat and Celeste was awesome, and getting a peek inside the thoughts of an NPC was a nice touch. They don't get much attention in my experience. Good job man, you made a fan out of me.



Dr. Zeus

Pros:


Description was awesome, dialogue was awesome, and I really really dug that song. I wasn't sure what to expect but after listening to it the creep factor skyrocketed. I like using music to influence a point or plot device. The addition of Chastity as the devoted follower to Zeus' quest to purge the world of evil is interesting. Considering she may have had the same kind of message delivered to her. They are both equally crazy, and I dig it.

Con:

This really felt more like a straight up introduction for Chastity. When I say that, I mean it kind of felt like this RP would be better suited for the Random RP thread. It was more story driven then anything. Some of the rhymes, didn't rhyme. Unless you account for accent you should probably use some (sic) when doing that.

Overall:

I really did like the read. It was creepy and disturbing. The body bag I'm glad didn't end up being a coffin. I think that fits perfectly. He may be acting for God, but anyone that carries around or has an abundance of coffins laying around shouldn't be a doctor. Plus body bags are easy to come by, and probably cheaper.

Also, despite the intent of an RP, whether story driven or promo based, you do have somewhere to be on the next show. I don't think there wa any mention of Matt Tastic or
Ace Stevens, unless I missed it. Through whatever RP or direction you're going with it, always remember that you character does have an obligation to at least think or talk about what he has to do on the next show (mainly face "X" opponent).



The Beard

Pros:


I read your RP because I was on my way to reading Grizzly's and I didn't want to miss any reference he dropped. I thought this was hilarious. I had to look up th NPC pic for Beardette, and that was disturbing, but added to the hilarity. The description was good as was the back and forth between Grizz and Beard. Also dug the nod to product placement!

Cons:

It moved pretty fast. That's not exactly bad, but I think you could have played up the kind of people you were beating up. Like a Indiana Jones type of moment would have fit well. A sword swallower using blades, doing fancy footwork and blades spins... And Beard or Grizz just headbutts him. The fight was almost over before it began. Also, don't fall into the "superbadass" trap. Numbers (count, not GM) do play a factor in any fight. Beard essentially getting away unscathed kind of makes Grizz look a bit weak in the process. He's just one step behind. But if used correctly, you could make them both realize how well they work together if one of them gets taken down for a second, the others right there, as a team.

Overall:

Since it's a team effort, see Grizzly's overall.



Grizz:

Pros:


The description was amazing. The dual cross body was depicted in my mind out of like a comedy movie. Two burly men gut bumping each other in slow motion, hilarious. I felt the impact. The constant upbringing of how well you guys worked together was very smart, as it gives way for a bright future together. Also, you both agreeing how awesome it's gonna be to kick each others asses is even better. It is a match made in heaven.

Cons:

I personally don't see much con in what you presented. I feel like for where your from your managing to capture a pretty down to earth "redneck" vibe that's translating well. The quick and sudden transition is the only real con. Beard uses journal entries to break it apart, having something other then a few stars or lines break it up would be good. But I digress, it was still good stuff.

Overall:

I really like this team up. The knuckleheadedness of it was a very fun read. I wonder if Beard knows Grizzly is saying this stuff about his sister and doesn't mind? I'm not sure, but it seemed like a breeze for you two to cook this up. I'm jealous, but I am looking forward to what you guys do in the future. Collectively, the characters back and forth banter was awesome, against each other I'm expecting nothing more then a good ol' fight. May the best man win.
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  #1834  
Old 07-14-2013, 06:01 PM
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Quickly got these up, before the show renders them redundant.

TheRealDirectCurrent / DC
*I think you maaaybe could've done something else here in the opening paragraph. I'm under the impression that DC is a bit of a serious character and that knocking on the fourth wall had me smiling. Just a suggestion, but if DC could hear her, why not assume the "audience" can hear what he hears?
*Formatting is your baby and yours alone, but I don't think dialogue-assignment would hurt. I mean I knew who the "masked leader" was, but would a "member of the WZCW universe" (aka Jon Jones' Jobber)? If the hiding of the name was done as a swerve, it would work, but I don't think that that was the case here.
*The interactions between the members of the Altar were solid gold. The emotion was painted SO vividly, not just through the dialogue or the descriptions, but also with the implied descriptions (mainly body language).
*The first confrontation between GM and DC was my favourite bit! Also "you don't get the last word". Not only how it was written, but the logic displayed in DC's lines was excellent.
*Very intrigued as to where this all is going. I'm imagining that at Kingdom Come DC is playing a big card. A lot of posters are saying this, but I actually get that feel from only a handful of RP's. Like this one.
*Great job, very exciting, tense RP.

Slice / David Whitman
*As with the first RP, this one was very, very well-written. Strong descriptions and you have an impressive vocabulary, as well as a good instinct when it comes to deciding on the right word.
*I like that you have a proper "wrestler" as your character. In a world of heroes and villains, we sometimes forget that it's a wrestling show after all. Also, you aren't riding on Whitman's past, but his history is important and I think you struck a good balance between coat-tailing and focussing on the present (if that comment made any sense).
*Another general comment: As an RP'er, it must be frustrating having a history with Numbers, but having to start from scratch. Having David be from GM's past in kayfabe (as out of it) is a stroke of genius.
*Yet another general comment : I was doubtful about an emotionless character in a creative writing-driven pro-wrestling fed, but there is so much emotion OUTSIDE of Whitman, it works beautifully. I see you also don't have David as completely catatonic, which is more realistic.
*I must admit, GM was a little more vocal and less Bane-y than I'd expect, but I figured this is because of their long history. Nevertheless, you did a good job of putting over the Altar, specifically GM.
*Impactful ending you got there, looking forward to your coming stuff.

Dynamite / Krypto
*I used to read your stuff, but ever since our tag match, I've been REALLY hooked. Now again, you started with the best subtitle of the round and I knew it was going to be fun to read.
*I'm a fan of Krypto adopting Bob as his sidekick. Since Fats died via facial crushing, Backstage Bob is a great replacement as the fed's most useless sidekick.
*I don't know if you watched Ed, Edd & Eddy as a kid, but Krypto reminded me a lot of Eddy when he was with Beard - only with more brains. Totally oblivious, yet scheming.
*As Grizzly's handler, I laughed my arse off when Beard wanted to talk about his problems, but Krypto flat-out ignored him, steering the conversation in the cartoonishly villainous direction he wanted.
*The parts with the "heist" was thoroughly enjoyable. Wacky, goofy and fun. During my first read, I missed the spoiler. Reading it now, it was great. Overall, the increasingly shitty Bob is getting out of this is downright hillarious, as was the rest of the RP.
*If I have any critique, it would be that this story feels like a mere stepping stone toward KG. Still, a very, very enjoyable read.
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  #1835  
Old 07-15-2013, 02:35 PM
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Last round (a.k.a. the vinegar stroke) of my round of feedback:

Shotaro / Howard
*You're a "machine" which "only goal" is to destroy? I'm a bit split on this. If it was intended as a joke, well done mate, but if you were playing it straight up, S.H.I.T. says hello
*Even though the promo was good, it was a bit of a surge of red on my screen. I think I know why you went this way, but even so, a few smatterings of description could've worked to set the scene and add some variety.
*The promo's would go over great as a script for a real wrestling fed. I gotta give you this: It's tough, it's gritty and it gives it a "big-match feel", especially how you built GM as a threat.
*Shrewd move to put over Smith & Rush as a huge threat (which Crock and MTM legitimately are), even though it was through a no-show.
*I was expecting Strikeforce to underestimate GM, because of the numbers advantage, but you actually put him over.
*Being totally honest, yeah it was short, but you said you're saving up for KG. I can respect that, but I was expecting just a little more. Pound-for-pound, still a good piece of writing.

FWR / The Angel
*Maybe the flashbacks Angel had of him and Ronney could've been a little fleshed-out. Again, I'm using the "member-of-the-WZCW-universe" argument: I remember Ronney's journey with The Angel, but would somebody who's checking out the fed for the first time know what's going on? A suggestion: Maybe you could quote your earlier RP's when having a flashback?
*I'm a fan of the prayers. When I picture luchadors, I picture masked, Roman-Catholic high-flyers. I'd actually like to see Angel "strike the cross" more often. VERY refreshing to see religious motivation in a positive light...
*In the context of the whole tag-RP, yours set one of the challenges (apart from the opponents) in the form of losing The Angel due to personal reasons. In the first RP, Angel wasn't even torn about not going to the Supershow and that made for adversity that the team had to overcome.
*Like I told JAM, you three guys had excellent teamwork to coordinate a tag-RP so well, even with a guy in hospital. Even if Angel, Amber and Thrash's teamwork don't earn them some points in the voting process, I definitely think the teamwork between FWR, JAM and THWAV should.
*The ending needs to be read in context and because yours was the first installment of Team Steelwing Honey, it built a lot of drama. I mean, I never really thought The Angel would do an RP'ing no-show, but I thought it was a nice touch.
*The afterparty for Ronney's funeral is at my house. You, Thrash and JAM's drinks are on me. I'll bring booze, you bring the boobs, stud.
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  #1836  
Old 07-16-2013, 12:36 PM
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So I figured I might as well throw out a bunch of random feedback for some peeps. I've been away quite awhile so some of the stuff may go over my head and I may not know what's going on with all of the characters, so bear with me. Off we go.

Nightmare

This wasn't the worst RP ever and I could tell you were going in the right direction, but it just didn't all come together for me. The flow wasn't great and the verbage you used was strange at times. There seems to be a lot going on with your character and you just haven't seemed to focus in on exactly what he's all about. A few spelling/grammar stuff as well, but not bad.

That being said, it was a mildly interesting read if nothing else. The whole Ringmaster thing with the blonde chick is at least intriguing and is hopefully setting up for something in the future. Bottomline, I think you one the match and you got some promise going forward, but you have to figure out exactly what you want to be.

MMSoldier

On the plus side, I thought the whole frustration bit was good. I'm assuming your character is a face and that seemed to fit well into the whole "face gets ticked off after a losing streak" thing. However this whole thing just didn't do it for me. Some vague talk about the past and a little generic promo just isn't too interesting from my vantage point. I'd rather some one take a chance and stand out that do a RP that's been done a million times, especially if you'e in the lower card, which it seems you are, you have to do something to make your character interesting.

Shotaro

Same problem as above, just nothing too interesting going on here. You talk about you opponents and whatnot, which is good, but I don't get anything about your character here or anything that is interesting at all frankly. Not a fan of the big blocks of text either.

Ekacnap

This was a bit of a strange one for me. I kind of like the whole thing with your character just going crazy and whatnot, but that seemed to be all that was going on here. You did succeed at having him talk in the most annoying lingo ever at least, which can be a major asset going forward. The formatting was a bit distracting as well for me, I'm not a fan of the color plus quotes and you needed a space after the colons. Not a huge deal though.


Mike's Nipple

What an unfortunate username to get stuck with. Anyway, I actually really liked this. It was different than most RP's, interesting to read, and short and to the point. I think you could have benefited by expanding it a bit, but I'd always side on having a RP a bit too short than having one a bit too long. Solid effort.

Numbers

Not a fan of this one, but I think that's mostly a product of me not being around recently. Without me knowing the characters or what has happened in the fed over the last few months most of this stuff just went over my head.

Well written though, as always and it seems you've done a decent job of transitioning to a heel character after having a face in Reynolds for so long. But like I said, I just couldn't get into this one and it seemed to drag on and on forever.

Blade

Very well written and I didn't lose interest the entire time. You haven't lost your touch. Easy win for you, I'd guess. That being said I sort of had an issue with the whole premise of this with Blade being able to trick the head dude into wasting a few days of his time chasing him around for some ink? I know shit isn't realistic in a lot of RP's (the one dude is a fuggin alien) but you seemed to be writing something unrealistic in a realistic manner. It's a minor qualm though and I still greatly enjoyed this effort, so take my stupid complaint with a grain of salt.

DivaGirl

This was a very odd one for me. I get the whole idea of trying to do something different and interesting, but the forum thing really didn't work in this format. I don't really get what the point you were trying to make was either, other than the fact that people don't believe in Isabel I guess?

BK Barrage

Props at least getting something up, I assume you had some sort of issue this week. Hope everything is going ok for you, brospeh.
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  #1837  
Old 07-22-2013, 11:50 AM
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Welp, I imagine it's gonna be a slow week til Thursday, so why don't we do some feedback now?

Blade

First, let me just say; man , did you get screwed last week. But then again, I'm also glad Izzy and Triple X got a chance to put their A game together for this week, and hopefully you would do the same to put together a match that could steal the weekend.

Did you bring your game? In a way, but I also have liked past RP's from you much more than I did this one.

I liked the nightmare sequence; it's very difficult to pull off he dream sequence, without crossing the line into cliché. It didn't, but it came a little close. But I can see this really working, especially since iirc, this set up Blade's change of heart. The formatting of changing from first to third person was somewhat necessary, but I'm not sure how big a fan of it I was. But man, did it paint he scene perfectly. You have a really underrated sense of descriptive writing, that often gets overlooked because your dialogue is so strong. This allowed for your descriptive writing to be the superstar, which works great.

Now, as for the second part; I wasn't as huge a fan. Here's the thing; Blade makes it out to be some big honor for Joe to drink with Blade. I guess it should be, but at the same time, it seems a little... I don't want to say arrogant, but surely presumptuous, for Blade to make it seem this honorable thing to drink with Blade. Maybe Blade could have seen Joe's manager giving him shit, and that's why he invites him in for drinks, and we could learn more about Joe. And that's kind of the problem for me; it feels like Blade invites Joe in, asks him how he likes his job, and the rest of the conversation is all Joe playing a surrogate Leon. Why should I care about Joe? Hell, the best part of the RP was Blade sticking up to the manager for Joe; I think that's the character you want to get over, right? I know the match has to be talked about, but maybe you could have compared the way the manager treats Joe to the way Dave treats Blade?

The dialogue, as always was excellent, and the scene painted in the dream was fantastic. There were just a few things that didn't click to me. Last week, I would have taken your RP against anyone not named Saxton or Barbosa.

This week? It isn't as much a slam dunk.

The Beard

I loved the RP this week.

Loved, loved, loved.

This was just wacky and imaginative RP'ing. Something tells me you were watching a shit ton of Merry Melodies for this RP, and that's great inspiration. I could see every segment (the package arriving immediately, the voice talking to Beard) all appearing in a Mel Blanc cartoon, and that's always a good thing to channel.

Basically, I got that you said that it's kingdom come, you don't give a fuck, you're going all out. And that's exactly what you needed to do. You got over the manliness, you got over the gimmick, you got over Bob. Hell, you got over your own continuity. I don't know who Talent is, but I have to admit, I was intrigued.

Also, I was waiting for the homage to a real man's man.... Points for you.

Overall, jolly good stuff, brother. Before, I thought Bob was going to win. Now, Bob has to put up something huge to get the win at KC
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  #1838  
Old 07-22-2013, 10:59 PM
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Celeste

Aaaaand we now have out leader in the clubhouse for the best RP of the Kingdom Come season (sorry, Beard).

When I first got into WZCW, I wanted for my KC RP to do with something regarding the gates to paradise, and paradise found. Eventually, I decided to store it in my back pocket for another KC, but this is actually the perfect image of what I would have done. The use of the seven deadly sins was phenomenal, the restructuring of a garden to represent Eden was fantastic, it was thematically the best set RP I have read in my short stint in the fed. It was extremely, extremely well done.

The writing of Holmes is on point; the line stating that Celeste's dreams make a mockery of his pride are spot on. It's very apparent that you and Holmes know how to write for one another, and what makes these RP's work so well.

Actually holding tombstones with the seven deadly sins was very,
very talented. God, was I hoping someone would touch on the sins, and this nailed it out of the park. Not only did it get over your match, it got
over the main event. Not only were you able to RP for your match, but for the three way. This is the nittiest of nit picks, so don't mind it too much. But man, was I hoping that the two last sins remaining from the stones were lust and pride (as it stands, I believe... Showtime was pride, and Barbosa lust?). That would have been absolutely perfect, though I'm sure we could spend hours debating which sins pertain to Holmes and Crimson most.

Like I said, the dialogue was perfect, the scenes were drawn out beautifully. If I had a complaint, it comes at this paragraph.

Quote:
‘If I smite Barbosa on the rocks of the riverbank leading to the mouth of Purgatory, then Steven and I can drown each other in the river at Redemption and go to Hell for all I care. Barbosa can have this marker for his sin of apathy, that one in the center will be mine for my sin of revenge, and Steven can have the last one on the end for his sin of greed. We won’t ever get to see Eden.
And it isn't the paragraph at all; time actually perfect. It was the best part of the RP. But at that point, the critic in me thought this RP could have ended here, and been absolutely perfect. I understood why it went as it did, and the ending was really great, too. But man, if it were to end on that paragraph, it would leave the RP on such a high note.

Aye, but minor quibbles. Before I would have pegged Barbosa for the win; now? Yeah, it's going to take that special RP he may have under his sleeve. And even that may not be enough to overcome this.
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  #1839  
Old 07-23-2013, 12:04 AM
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Amber Warren

Normally, I'm against the white meat babyface. I get the purpose, but it's not my wheelhouse; I prefer my faces to have a little edge, and I can sincerely say that Amber Warren's KC outing had all the edge of an oval.

It didn't matter; I still found myself enjoying reading this RP. Because I believe this is what it would look like at the fan access, for a little girl coming up to the wrestler. I have to admit, it was endearing, very endearing. The dialogue was nice, the character's were filled just as well as they needed to be, and you even had a keen eye for continuity once again (Ronney, Ty Burna's knee). Actually, I noticed the connection between Angel, Warren and Thrash again, so that's a nice little touch.

I'll admit, I really don't need to see you calling Ty Burna Mr. Ty. It gets over that Amber is respectful, but it also gets over that she's at a certain plateau. I have great reverence for Ty, too, but if Dr. Zeus ever sees him in an RP, I wouldn't call him Mr. Burna, and I know very well he's better than me. You never want to make yourself out to be the smaller deal in your RP. Something small, but noticeable.

I could see the heart condition coming from the beginning, but I didn't mind all that much. This was endearing, and I think makes you the favorite for your scramble match. It's going to be interesting to see what happens when you move up the card, to bigger competition. I think once that happens, Amber is going to have to add that edge to her character. But this was a very nice read, that really gets over the match and the KC weekend experience well for the fed. Good showing.
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  #1840  
Old 07-23-2013, 07:03 AM
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Dr. Zeus- Supershow III RP

I didn't forget about the Saboteur quiz special, I just didn't get around to it until now!

Anyway, if there's one person that doesn't seem to need feedback right now, it's the man behind Dr. Zeus. For somebody that was never in an e-fed before, you sure seem to have a knack for this. Undefeated four matches in, and it's not like we've been tossing you easy wins either.

Your RP for Supershow III was easily one of the most impressive in a rather underwhelming round and was definitely the top RP of your match. An RP of that length always runs the risk of losing the reader's interest, but Dr. Zeus' enigmatic personality keeps the reader hooked, always looking for a clue to help solve the puzzle of Zeus' past.

I was a little worried when you introduced a female character, but after seeing how you wrote her those fears are temporarily laid to rest. So many RP'ers introduce very shallow female characters that really only exist to serve their character, and while I can see that may be Chastity's main motivation, I think it's the result of a deeper though process rather than, "I love (insert character name here) so I have to help him."

Taking Leon to a church in the middle of the woods is kind of strange. Leon might get picked on, but he's no idiot, and I doubt he'd follow a known murderer in Dr. Zeus deep into the forest, even if he is looking for Sandy. This isn't a really big deal–I'm sort of grasping at straws so I have something to criticize–but hopefully this is something you think about in future RPs.

The church scene was sweeeeeeet. Many people have tried to pull of religious themed RPs and have had varying success, but this one is one of the best as far as I remember. You managed to make it incredibly creepy with the call and response and sprinkling in horror imagery. What's in the bag? I can't wait to find out.

In conclusion... great RP from someone who is fast shooting up the ranks of WZCW. I wouldn't be surprised to see Dr. Zeus put together a winning streak that rivals the likes of Ty Burna.
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