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  #1331  
Old 09-08-2011, 03:59 AM
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GI Cake GI Cake is offline
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Ale:

-Did you really have no other color to use for pink for Vance Bateman? The color alone kinda throws off the tone of the story.

-Your dialog is always very well done, once again the interaction between Ale and his father are sound and the bits with Vance and Chuck Myles felt pretty real, which is a huge plus.

- What on earth is a shopping cart doing Backstage? I can understand if Ale and his Father brought a dolly or something, but a shopping cart is kinda strange. I understand what you were trying to aim for and perhaps the scene would have worked better if Ale was at like Lowes or Home Depot.

-Like I said before, setting seems to be your only weakness. From reading your RP's I can see the image your trying to paint, but then it always feels incomplete or empty, or something seems out of place. (Like a shopping cart in the backstage of Asecnsion)

-Like the rest of us "New Bloods" you're improving. It seems the WZCW brass are challenging you by placing you in matches against Champions and big name stars. Losing to them shouldn't hurt your confidence.

Ricky's Thoughts:

Blah blah blah, all I see is a big ole' daddy's boy with a chip on his shoulder, which I am surprised he hasn't ate yet. Alex Bowen is a tough cookie, I don't see the Master of Mayhem losing to the big baby...Unless Ale wraps his big ugly Micky Mouse hands around his skull...Know what? Let me fight Ale, hell I'll fight his dad too to even the odds for the poor sad sock.
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The streak is broken. I blame Pancake.
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  #1332  
Old 09-08-2011, 11:48 AM
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Titus:

-I like what you did with the start of the RP, Oliver reminds me of some quick talking dark fellow on a the show, Family Guy.

-The interview itself was very nice and it let me in on some information about Titus, but not so much about Johnny Scumm.

-And on that note, I thought it was a very effective tactic that you spent the interview correcting Johnny Scumm about your characters history. Well played.

- It was a short RP, but it didn't need to be all that long to cover all your bases.

Ricky's Thoughts:
Ohh man Titus, dude in that one movie you played in, you absolutely killed it man! I don't know why Scumm thought you were a bad actor or a wrestler. Anyway, best of luck between your match, I don't know if you or Scummy is going to pull out a win!

Johnny Scumm:

-Scumm still seems to have a big ego despite not having a single win in this match. This is a good thing for a heel but it would have felt fresh if that gave him more fire to rip apart a baby face of the company like Titus.

-You can never have enough details when it comes down creating a setting for your RP. All I knew was that Scumm was in the alleyway with a camera man. Was it day? Was it at night? How come no one was fighting in the alleyway now? Details, details, and details. As I learned, too much detail in simple things like character actions may hurt or seem like filler. But when you create the background for your RP you want it to be ideal.

-I can't tell if you pulled a fast one on us if you sneaked in a bit of Titus's past by saying he would get memory loss. But the way you worded it was strange. Is Titus going to lose his memory again from your Memory Loss?

-All and all I like the simple interview RP, a lot of faces go with this so it was nice to see a heel to something similar.

Ricky's Thoughts:

Oh hey, is it that smelly dude with the cool ass hair do? Didn't I beat on the last show with my Broski, Saboteur? Anyway dude it seems like you're on a slow start, but maybe with this match with Titus you can turn it around. It's funny, I thought you said you had a funny accent because you're from England, but Titus is from England and he doesn't have one?

S.H.I.T:

-Like I said to Thriller, I don't like giving a bunch of dialog to characters who don't even have names, like "The man" and because of that, I had a hard time figuring out if the green text was Gustav, or if The Man was Gustav.

-The heavily German accent in the dialog was pretty funny and found myself giggling at some parts as I always do with your RP's.

-This RP felt like it was more about Gustav than it was S.H.I.T and his match. But at the same time, I felt like after reading this. I didn't learn much about Gustav as I hoped.

-It might be because I am a Mark for S.H.I.T, but the funny 1-3 word dialog describing the people you're in a match with works so well. He's a robot, he doesn't have any feelings. He knows Skinner is arrogant, and Cruz is a bit of a sissy rich boy. I don't know how to describe it, but it felt like you actually asked a Robot to write this dialog. Which is a very good thing.

-Again, detail in the setting is key. What time was it when S.H.I.T walked into Gustav's office? Where is Gustav's office located? Is it in his home country, Germany? Is it located in the U.S. Location, location, location.

Ricky's Thoughts:

Ohh man I gotta go out and buy myself one of those S.H.I.T T-Shirts on WZCW.com. That thing is quickly becoming one of my favorites to watch every night. When it comes down to him against Cruz, and Skinner. I got him picked to walk away with the number one contender! S.H.I.THead for life dude!

That's all I can do for now, I have to run out for class and to grab something to eat. Funkay and Saboteur are next.
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  #1333  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:21 PM
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FunKay the Inevitable FunKay the Inevitable is offline
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Baller: Loved the way you handled the loss. You didn't dismiss it as lucky, but did say it was a cheap win. Good, clever heel tactics. Very nice, general heel RP actually. Lots of smart, yet dirty moves all over this. I wasn't a big fan of Baller simply typing up a complaint, and felt that he should have made a call instead. With that there could've been good dialogue between Baller and Myles, or Baller and an attorney if that's the way you wanted to go. Good, entertaining stuff generally speaking.

The Internet Warrior: Why Blade? Seems like a very weird person to include here. Was kinda odd and I think it would've fit better with someone like Dave, who is still the same person as he was when he was a heel, just the people appreciate him more. Liked the marking idea though, that worked well. The idea that passion is the driving force for TIW is good, but it can only go so far. The character concept is good, I just want to see what you can do with it.

S.H.I.T: It's a little rare to see some broken English in an RP, so that's a pretty neat twist and it works as comedy. Something that's unique about this character is that it's more to do with what surrounds it as opposed to the character itself and in most cases I'd be a little disgruntled by that, but with a character like S.H.I.T. it works. Not sure about the beer bit, especially with Gustav's seemingly somewhat sinister (try saying that five times fast) persona. Everything else was top notch though.

Alexander Stark: A few small formatting issues here. You should re-read your RP a few times to make sure you've ironed out them. No HUGE problems though. I liked the concept that Stark knows that he has weaknesses, but he has ways of dealing with them before they become an issue. There's a lot of attention to detail here which is great to see and I was compelled to read it. Good stuff all around here.

Wasabi Toyota: Great use of Barbosa there and it's cool to see Toyota interacting with the fans through a catchphrase. Barbosa sort of vanished in the midst of this RP which was a little odd, as he wasn't even mentioned at the end. The Kravinoff mask thing is...kinda creepy. Toyota's a nice guy with a heart of gold, but has a dark past, so you can play both sides of the fence and it's a clever move. I'd like to see the darker persona of Toyota come out a little more, but as always, good work.

Saboteur: Really, really enjoyed this RP. Perhaps it's my continuing to delve into the source material for a lot of these RP's, but I am really loving the character of Saboteur. The "Oh Woe is Me" line fit perfectly into this whole story and played up just how irritating Saboteur can be. The metamorphosis from funny to serious was...okay. I would have liked maybe a little description describing how Saboteur changed as opposed to a cut. Otherwise, great RP.

Ricky Runn: Appreciate all the hard work you're putting in with feedback such. Criticism's first: There are a few errors in spelling. Nothing major, but "too" should be "two", stuff like that. The opening was a little too long for my tastes with a lot of stuff that perhaps didn't need to happen going down. Description was good as was the explanation behind the handicap match. Little things like that can make an RP and this was a good effort from you. Improving all the time and this was your best yet.

Austin Reynolds: I was pleased to see you go down the route of being pleased with the result of Apocalypse as you got the girl, even if the WHC opportunities do (seem) to end here. It's good to see Reynolds take a step back and relax for a little while coming off of the uber-intense feuds he's had as of late. Not sure about getting pissed at the end about Williams was that great a move. I mean, it does make a difference from the usual "I won't underestimate him despite being a rookie" speech, but it just felt a little out there with this RP. Good, fairly simple, stuff otherwise.
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THis guy gets it.
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Legend.
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  #1334  
Old 09-08-2011, 07:24 PM
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GI Cake GI Cake is offline
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Stephen Holmes:

-I see you took more of a T.V promo approach to this RP. Now that I don't have much of a problem with this, in fact you do it well enough I could imagine you could write a screen play for it. However the setting did feel kinda bland. Were they're any people watching the recording? Was the studio empty other than the T.V behind Smith?

-I am going to be honest, I went into this RP having only a vauge idea of who Stepehn Holmes is. This RP played to your character well as this arrogant high-browed heel. I also like the dimension of the character doesn't really like the fans because of the events with Sam Smith, well played sir.

-You break up the boxes of dialog for no real reason. I understand you don't want a giant block of text but at least provide something for the reader like "Holmes then takes a few steps back as he glared into the camera." That way, the reader could understand why the text is broken into pieces and it adds to the overall RP.

- I couldn't tell if they're were people in the recording studio or not because the fans had no reaction. I mean, if I were sitting in the stands as you belittled me, I would have started booing.

-Overall I really enjoyed reading this RP and I can see why you're in the Uppercard gunning for the Elite X title. You covered your bases and you touch into the history of the Elite X title. You have just put yourself on my "To read list."

Ricky's thoughts:

Eww I hate those snarky pepole who think they're better than common folk. You remind me of my dad bro, and guess what. I don't like my dad! I feel if I invited you to my party you would be the Buzz Kilington. Ha! I should call you that from now on! I can't wait till I get a chance to face you in the ring Dude!


Saboteur:

-Just right off the bat, how does Garrett know about some T.V marathon? Did he see an ad for it on the T.V? Was he reading the T.V guide? It helps the dialog to share a little of that info but other than that the bits between Saboteur and Garrett are always funny.

-Throwing in a reference to the Tag Team you tried to make, clever and it adds another reason to put Saboteur in a bad mood.

- One or two HTML errors but nothing too bad, everyone forgets to put that little "/" Every once in a while.

-
Quote:
Saboteur: You’re right. How do you beat a champion, especially one that’s reigned as long as Ty Burna? They say that he can’t be beaten, but there’s got to be a way. If I learned anything from my time in the frozen tundra of Russia, it’s that you should never drink vodka that’s been sitting in the sun… but I also learned that even titans falls.
Just gonna say this bit of dialog showcases the strange, humours mind of Saboteur. How on earth could Sab learned anything from spending time in the Russian tundra is beyond me. And the best part is that it doesn't feel forced.

-You can tell quickly the mood for Saboteur changes from depressed to overjoyed after he gets that phone call. Then it switches to super serial. Now maybe reading Saboteur and not cracking a joke or being helplessly funny feels kinda odd for me. It might have worked better the next round despite winning or losing your match. It just didn't feel right.

-And at the final part of the brick of dialog you did the same thing Funkay did and break it up for no real reason. Add a little bit of movement and character action. Saboteur is not the kinda guy I would think making a long winded speech as he sat lifelessly in the chair.

Ricky's Thoughts:
Saboteur my brother! It seems like our tag match impressed somebody because we both got booked in high profile matches. You up against the World champion, and I'm against the Tag Champions. Man is life looking up for us! Hopefully after our wins we can go celebrate and have some apple juice together, how about it!?
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The streak is broken. I blame Pancake.
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  #1335  
Old 09-08-2011, 09:23 PM
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Cock Shaped Pillow

-He's so angry!
-Blowing off Leon is always good for heel points

-Not really much in character development other than generic heel "I'm so tough" stuff.

Uncle Phatso

-Nice setting. I can't recall RP's being at a con before.
-Nice usage of outside characters, gives life to all three very well.

-I think more could be done with the whole "no respect for Mayhem" stuff. The poster bit at the start got things off on a foot that was never followed up on the rest of the RP.

Thriller

-I don't think much more could be asked of an intro RP like this.
-His over-eagerness makes me chuckle, and more importantly makes him endearing.

-Not really much in the "why I should/am going to win" stuff, but again, it's an intro RP so it's understandable.

Baller

-I like my Baller like I like my coffee: cold and bitter.
-I also like the whole "I don't care about my shot, I'ma ruin yours" stuff.

-Fruit Loops? Really?

Gelgarin

-The font change is effective. The lack of color works because there are really only two voices so getting lost isn't much of an issue.
-There's some really strong stuff here. Love the bit about inflicting enough pain until you get to inflict it on someone worthwhile.

-Not quite enough is said about the opponents. Not a major issue at all, just pointing it out.

Low_Ki

-Good stuff. On point with storyline.
-Hammond comes off as intimidating without having to be violent. Always a plus.

-BE A SURVIVOR, DON'T SMOKE!

Blade

-Again, good stuff. This is shaping up to be a intriguing storyline.
-I like how most of the RP in internal, the lack of dialogue works in this case.

-I'm not such a fan, however, of how that internal discussion was formatted. Nit picking, I know. I think it could have been done as a Blade "talking" to himself in his head and been just a bit more effective.

Doc

-Action RP's are always a blast to read. Well formatted, well paced, and clever.
-I think it's established by now that your RP's can be great without ever mentioning your match at all. Loved the VERY subtle digs at your opponents.

-Of course, this has the effect of me having to scroll back up to the top of the page to remember which match this was and who it was with.

FalKon

-I've always been a Kurtesy fan, so seeing his transition to full on face complete makes me happy inside.
-I dig the rebirth stuff, the "starting fresh" angle. Leaves Kurtesy open for any old storyline that'll come his way.

-A face committing potential hospital fraud!? What kind of example is that?

Baez

-High energy Baez is always a plus.
-Such a douchey maneuver to go corporate with all the sponsors, perfect heel stuffs.

-I was a little confused by the formatting and the font was kinda small. AND MCDONALD'S DON'T HAVE ONION RINGS! HOW CAN YOU FORGET ONION RINGS!

Ricky Runn

-This might by my favorite RP of the bunch, and that's saying something.
-I like the gimmick. Could have been done all wrong, yet you seem to work it well. Rob is a great straight man.

-Big ass party and no Dirty One? For shame! Austin! Call a brother in next time!

Showtime

-Excellent handling of the multiple parts of this RP.
-Showtime is such a snake, it's awesome.

-I miss "The Show"...

Superhero

-Good humor. Excellent timing.
-Seriously, the "We're all American" line was golden.

-Not quite enough about pounding Ricky, which is ok really since Showtime covered that rather well.

NightShiftLoser

-Near everyone hits on Becky at some point, very nice to see someone play this the other way.
-My first time seeing this guy ever and already I've got a good picture of him, a testament to good RP skills.

-Kinda just ends.

Miko!

-LULZ what a name.
-I really like the concept of a robot and a disgraced coach training it.

-A little light on match details and some grammar errors. Nothing major.

Hawkeye

-I like the mystery ally, gives you something to work with going forward.
-Very nice face RP where you don't resort to talking crap, focusing on being strong enough instead.

-Feels a little short. Also, not a fan of the smileys as text.
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  #1336  
Old 09-09-2011, 02:39 AM
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GI Cake GI Cake is offline
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Toyota:

-I think you and Barbosa are the only ones who are able to use Barbosa in their RP's to their full potential. Like I said before, he is a tough character to understand but it seems you can do it with ease. Nice job.

-So...Many...Food....Puns...Can't....Stop...Must... Eatttt. Entering the RP I understood Wasabi's gimmick and the dialog seems to be given the double stuff of food jokes.

-As said before, Barbosa seems to pretty much vanish in thin air from your RP. That kinda thing could really hurt the quality of the read as it leaves the reader wondering where on earth Barbosa went instead of the actual quality RP you wrote.

- I like the idea that Toyota is honorbound to protect Hunter's dignity. Makes the characters emotion seem more real and dignified. Very face like.

Ricky's Thoughts:
Wasabi! I want you one on one next week in a All you can eat Ice Cream Contest! Winner leaves with a very sore stomuch and a bad taste of regret!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kermit View Post
The streak is broken. I blame Pancake.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Yaz View Post
Like most things in life, it was Pancake's fault.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spidey's Alt View Post
Well I'll be goddammed. Mohammad did fuck a 9 year old.
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  #1337  
Old 09-09-2011, 03:52 AM
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Johnny Scumm Johnny Scumm is offline
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Kotre/Alexander Stark
I was liking the concept of the Chess Match here, although sometimes I just found it strange to follow. But you paid a lot of attention to detailing everything, which is good. You've got a good chance in your match, well done.

Lee/Titus
Terrible RP, your opponent will DEFINITELY win this one. No, just kidding, it's a great RP. Love the way you manage to turn everything and anything I said back on myself. You focused in on all the weak points of my character which is another good idea. You've obviously and definitely got a brilliant chance here & I think that you'll pull one out of the bag when you need to.

GD/Toyota
Love your formatting. The way you use larger and smaller, bolder and thinner text just catches my eye & it's definitely my favourite RP to read. Other than that, I really like it. Nude meditating sessions? Lovely. You brought back past matches that may hint at a little bit of tension in between Barbosa & Wasabi. Should be a good match, and a nice RP there.

Ricky Runn
You've definitely given it some worth to show you've got what it takes to go up against BOTH the Tag Champions a 2 on 1 Match, and you're pretty new to the Fed, which is a good thing. Nice to include the General Manager in there and you handled him well. Sometimes people don't handle Characters the right way in their RP's, but you've pulled it off. Considering you've got a distinct disadvantage taking on 2 Opponents, you've got a good chance in the Match.

EDIT: Shit, forgot C-S-Pillow. I'll do it later on.
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  #1338  
Old 09-09-2011, 06:54 AM
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Johnny Scumm Johnny Scumm is offline
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Ale/Cock
First up, it's a shame you're against a Champion, because it puts you in a disadvantage, what with you being a "Newbie". Then again, having said that, you are in a Title Match. You are putting everything you have into this one. Again, what Ricky said, the Pink is a bit off-putting, but I'm reading your RP, not judging colours. The Shopping Cart is random, but then again, you can find almost anything backstage of a Wrestling Company. All in all though, it IS a good RP definitely. You're gonna put up one hell of a fight, it's not gonna hurt you if you lose.
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  #1339  
Old 09-09-2011, 07:23 AM
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Lee Lee is offline
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I'm stealing the dirty one's idea here

Alexander Stark

Great use of visual language
I like how it read like a book totally putting us exactly how the charcters are feeling


You missed off the formatting for one bit:
Quote:
“Hey, I went to college!” Becky retorts. “And not wasting your precious time isn’t an answer, seeing as we’re standing in a park playing a game” she adds with a hint of venom.
The bit I bolded should be in blue, aside from that top notch RP, I can't fault it at all.

Did you know: This is the second RP with a chess match and Becky? She once claimed she was a chess champion at college.

Ricky Runn

I quite like your character of the daredevil, it's the typical cocky broski but with a nice twist.
The description is fantastic and really does set a brilliant scene


The font doesn't work, it makes it hard for me to read it though it does stand out as different.
The title thing I think suits people like Saxton but not yourself.
Too many man's and bro's
A too should have been two


Overall a top notch RP but you are against Showtime who is one of the best in the fed so whilst you may not get the win you're on for a great future.

Kurtesy

Too many heels turning face causing a lot of the established faces to be lost in the shuffle...but I digress

All in all quality RP but that's what we expect from you, good back and forth between Kurtesy and the former Vixen.
I liked the way you dealt with Baez and Saxton as opponents, too often it seems forced, this is something you never strugggle with.


Overall a great flowing RP that had me hooked from start to finish.

Johnny Scumm

Description was lacking

As I noted in my RP too often when preparing to face a new opponent they'll read the roster page and that was it, read a couple of RPs of the person in question. Read RPs AGAINST the person and you'll realise how often Titus has been called a washed up actor and a filure as a wrestler.


Asdide from that the content was good a great backstory that gives us the reason WHY you're cocky.

Whilst to most it seems generic on first glance a second read shows how well it was done.


Did you know: This is the only time since my return (my first return not the second one, so pretty much Titus' peak) where I've resorted to commenting what people have said about me in their RP? That means you did well and you're certainly going places, this will be closer than you think.
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  #1340  
Old 09-09-2011, 10:05 AM
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Titus:

I won't get nit-picky and mention that there are a couple of grammatical errors in your RP, it happens.

This is the typical Lee RP where you employ the technique you taught me upon my entry to WZCW: Past/present/future. It's a solid method that has worked and it definitely shows here. I've got nothing against the character developing bit with Keystone City but I do have a bit of an issue with... err.. for lack of a better term "responding" to your opponent's RP. I've never been a fan of using stuff in another's RP and making fun of it in your own, always felt as if it was sort of cutting corners (i.e. the Saboteur/Ricky Runn bit). Although, considering your opponent's RP I do think you've done a sufficient job of at least matching his and giving Scumm a run for his money.

Also, I didn't really get the idea of having someone watching the TV without being introduced. Maybe instead of using Action Saxton (although we all love that bad-ass mother-sucker) you could have put Titus watching himself and the broadcast of Keystone City to give it that in-depth character development feel. After losing to Baez throughout a comic book style fashion feud, having the good guy sit alone in a dark room could have developed a mini-storyline where Titus tries to get back on his feet and elevate himself once more. I'm not too good with comic stuff so what I'm trying to say here is you could have done something a little more with the someone's watching TV thing.

Otherwise, decent-good RP that has all the essentials to possibly defeat your opponent.
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