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  #2221  
Old 06-13-2016, 07:21 PM
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Luke Manson

Before I even go anywhere else with this.... center aligned text.... Not the best idea. I agree with Numbers about how you could have formatted the text. Try to stick to left-aligned text. You run the risk of people who aren't on Creative skipping the RP if the formatting turns them away. Another formatting note.... the descriptions are bolded, they shouldn't be. I would have had standard black font for the descriptions, then different font colors for spoken dialogue only with the name bolded. Lastly on this, you did the name of the character with a minus sign and then the first spoken word all next to each other. That looks a little sloppy. Try it with the name of the character followed by a colon sign, then a space, then begin the spoken dialogue. Here is how I would format an example from your RP:

They both chuckle at the joke.

Ashley: I wanted to come by and see how you were feeling.

Luke: Come in. Sit down. It's great to see a friendly face. Would you like a drink?

We have some typos. Doctors in the opening paragraph did not need to be capitalized. There are several instances of "Mr.. Mancini" when only one period is needed after "Mr". Ashley seemed a lot nicer this RP than she has in the past. I would have kept the tension going between them, it didn't seem realistic for her to suddenly act like a friend when in previous rounds she seemed to detest Luke. I would move a little slower in terms of them becoming friends again, have that be a possible PPV RP culmination.

Overall, you did a good job of furthering your story with Tony. That was the best part of this RP. It would have been better with some updates to the formatting, catching a couple of typos that slipped by, and I also would have liked to see a little more on why Luke needs to win against Vee. He got mentioned, but you could have expanded a little more on that. Keep it up and give it your best at Unscripted.
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  #2222  
Old 06-13-2016, 07:24 PM
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Vee ADZ

On the part where Vee speaks after the two voices have spoken you had two lines of dialogue that are not separated by descriptions/actions and you started a new line of dialogue without stating that Vee spoke it. If there are no major actions or changes that take place in between the lines you shouldn't separate them and you should still show who is speaking. I would have formatted that scene like this:



Vee: (voice-over) Was truly uncharacteristic of meÖ Or did he manipulate me to his desires? Was this all a mind game played by Titus, the Great, to make me believe that I could beat him quite comfortably without shedding a sweat. I was expecting a war before I stepped in the ring tonight. I was ready and been expecting to shed blood, sweat and tears to get pass of both the men. But I didnít even break a sweat! Mind games or not, it doesnít matter really. Because I still remember how he took that title away from Johnny Scumm at Kingdom Come. I still remember the look on his eyes when he walked pass me after defending the title against Flex in that steel cage match. He isnít the person who I should take for granted. I can better him in the ring at Unscripted of course, I have absolutely no doubt in that. But not in that fashion I did now.

He walks a few steps further. He looks back again with a slight grin adoring his face. He pulls his glove off his hand and rubs his fist against his face.

Vee: (voice-over) He had walked out of his partners quite a few times but isnít that aberrant that his partner walked out on him? He didnít come out there tonight to fight me. He was there to manipulate my thoughts to the wrong belief. No, No, NoÖ You still are the Hall of Famer, Greatest Champion of all time, and you still are the EurAsian Champion and I am not going to forget that. Iím not going to let you take over my thoughts because I am not scared of you. None of your tricks and mind games can manipulate me, if that was your plan. What that will make me proud is, to be my greatest privilege to win my first championship title in WZCW by beating a man of your stature. I have heard of your legends, now Iíve started to reel them through me. My legacy will start at the desertion of your Legend.



This makes the lines of speaking longer, although it looked a little weird the way you did it. To me anyway. You could also have inserted actions/descriptions in between the speaking parts, which would also have worked for that scene.

I really liked the Prince match being brought up. Him being an old opponent is something that most have likely forgotten by now and it's cool when people look back on old matches that are mentioned less often such as that. Then right before the officer shows up you have another instance of two portions of dialogue with no indicator of Vee speaking and no description/action separating them.

The whole scene with the officer was well done. I liked how you used that officer's past to bring up the match and your opponent.

Another all black text email/message.... There's a lot of that going on this round. That should have been done in all the same font color that the character speaks in. Maybe also italicize important names too. Like this:


Quote:
Message from Sara 2:47 am

I contacted your parents, guess what? They already have an open ticket booked for Illinois, Chicago and a ticket for Unscripted as well. In fact, they have been attending all your PPVs KC VII, Apocalypse, Gold Rush without your knowledge. Donít know why though.

Iíll be there too next week. Didnít want to disturb your sleep. Thatís why sending this message. Call me back in the morning. I love you <3
The last portion has about 4 paragraphs in a row of black text. I would have switched it up here and done at least one voice-over line in the middle of the descriptions. The rest of the concluding scene ties in everything going on in Vee's mind very well.

Overall it was solid. I would have voted for you this round.
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  #2223  
Old 06-14-2016, 02:23 PM
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Titus

I thought I got to you and forgot.

I liked this plenty and considering you wrote it on short notice after the issues that you had, you had an idea and you ran with it. What I like is that you had all of these years of experience to call upon the many random NPCs that you've used as well as all the other little nods to Red Mask and past feuds as well as his speciality, the Pure Rules match. This wasn't spectacular but gave a somewhat interesting twist on the standard interview RP.

I'm struggling to call the match and I wouldnt be surprised to see a draw. I dont think a long drawn-out match would suit anyone in the circumstances, given it's heel vs heel.

From what I've seen I wouldn't be surprised to see Doe added to a title match further down the line, I guess a non title victory here for could only further that obvious direction. NSL's RP was decent enough to warrant it.
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  #2224  
Old 07-08-2016, 02:54 PM
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Vee:
I wanted to like it, I really do. I totally get the story that you are trying to tell too. It’s actually quite clever and it flows really well.

But there are some terribly worded sentences and things like that can really detract from the story. Things like this:

Vee: When my parents will be here, you say?

This is back to front and inside out.

And this:
Vee: Ah I see. Let them take their time. I hope they don’t miss the flight due to administrative problems or something.

Who misses a flight due to admin problems?

You can tell that you have some talent (which no doubt Creative and / or Lee have spotted) and if you can fix these quirks in your writing that will help you a lot. But I think that may be one step too far or maybe too early I should say. In all fairness this is closer than I expected as I don’t feel Lee’s RP was quite what I was expecting.

I do think that the better story is to have Vee chasing the gold or at least chasing a win over Titus. Should Titus win you can guarantee that it won’t clean. There’ll be room for a rematch especially as you can tell Lee loves being champion so don’t be disheartened if you do lose.

Tony Mancini:
For such an important piece of story development, the first part was extremely short. It should have been dynamite, it should have had a tension that fizzed off the page, written with the knowledge that something ominous was about to happen. But instead, I felt the dialogue was heavy handed and clunky, in particular the writing of the detective was very poor.

The second part was just a bit pointless, maybe aimless is a better description. It seemed to be there, it wasn’t anything special and you expect there to be a significant emotional output.

It feels half finished if I’m being brutally honest (and I think it’s necessary), a middle act to flesh this out would have benefitted it hugely. If you make it a three act RP, you then get something that feels a lot more complete.

Xaitlyn:
You need to understand that two RPs do absolutely nothing in most cases. I’m going to try and avoid repeating myself now.

I think what’s concerning is the real lack of specifics. There’s no confidence from her at all, there’s no addressing of the random nature of the opponents. You could have had some real fun with this aspect and you let it slip by.
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  #2225  
Old 07-08-2016, 03:32 PM
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Austin Reynolds

In a word: Amazing. I couldn't find anything wrong to mention.

I went in thinking I would only get about halfway through which is average for me when I read exceptionally long RPs but that wasn't the case here. I read every single word. It answered questions I still had and I'm very excited to see where Austin Reynolds goes from here.

I see you winning the Title at Unscripted and doing awesome things as champion.
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  #2226  
Old 07-09-2016, 05:38 PM
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Numbers

First off, fuck you for writing a novel! Kidding.

Ok, so I just finished reading the first part, right before Leon starts talking. I've got to say, I like this darker Reynolds. Bringing up Vis Imperium and the match with Cooper here really set the tone for what's going on at the PPV.

The match with Holmes wining the title was good. It confused me at first what came afterwards with Austin now in a hospital? I thought it was a bar but then I realized this was a flashback to when that happened. It could have been stated that this was a flashback or something.

The 2nd match with Ricky Runn was good as well. I see where this is going and it's great!

A missing word in the sentence "We see Austin lying a comfortable looking armchair at home" made me take a second look and it took away from the flow of the read. I'll take the blame though as I was going to look over it and couldn't. Sorry about that .

The conversation with Leon and Austin is on point. Looks good so far. I also like the color of the two in the RP. Doesn't clash and easy on the eyes.

Damn, I am enjoying the read. I honestly like what Reynolds has become. You have a way of writing out a story. I like how "Dead" Austin is right now. It's sad but it's good.

The yellow in Dom's text hurts the eyes. Kinda hard to read too.

The first conversation between Steven and Austin pretty much sum up everything to why Reynolds is there. I love it.

This was one of my favorite Rp's I have read in a long time. I hope you keep up the good work, even if you do not win the Openweight Title.
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  #2227  
Old 07-09-2016, 08:52 PM
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Austin Reynolds:

To start just let me get this out of the way. I know you mentioned how long this RP was but I donít think length matters. I feel like considering youíve been building up to this RP I like that itís got so much packed into it. Donít just keep putting stuff off in the story. Youíve been building to this point so throw as much of it into this thing now.

The first section of the RP was good. As Iím writing this I couldnít tell you what your other RPs, excluding the one against me, were about because they were a quite a while ago. What makes the first part of the RP effective, especially for a first time reader is that you establish the relationships between the three big names of Vis Imperium. ďNow that there was even the slightest chance that he may become part of their lives, he couldnít let that slip. But his relationship with the girls had only existed because of Steven Holmes.Ē I love this bit. Itís two lines long but might be my favourite part of the entire RP. Youíre able to make me aware that Reynolds has kids, his relationship with them is broken and Holmes had been a vital part in Reynolds having any contact with them. The reason thatís so great is because so often, looking back to Stormrage vs. Constantine big tag match, guys just join up together. You avoided the biggest mistake people make which is all heels get along or all faces get along. No, thatís dumb. Justin Cooper wouldnít get along with Chris K.O. no matter what his alignment was. You not only avoided it once with Holmes but you addressed the complex relationship and history between Reynolds and Constantine. It makes the characters feel like actual people, theyíre not just robots who get along with everyone. The references to Ty were good and I really liked the distinction between who Reynolds is now, the turmoil heís faced and where he was before as the Ratings Winner. I would love to see that nickname retired and for Reynolds to completely shed that going into a possible second run as Elite X Champion to juxtapose how far the character has changed since the first time he held the belt.

Keep in mind Iím writing this as I read it in sections. I really cannot stress this enough; I love how the relationship with Holmes isnít ďOh, he won the title and heís great and Iím going to make him even better.Ē Having Reynolds feel pain that someone who came in with him achieved what he couldnít is great storytelling. I love that heís not a robot and that he feels real emotions even if he is the big bad heel which is often missing from guys who write for the bad guys. You have Reynolds appear vulnerable and thatís a powerful tool. I think you used it well with how he struggles seeing Ricky Runn succeed. It gives you that insight into how heís feeling and his motivations for joining a group with guys, especially Constantine, who heís had problems with in the past. If you had glossed over the history of the guys in the group it would have sucked but you gave Reynolds clear motivation for why he would let the past stay in the past and join up with Vis Imperium. I think thatís what youíve done so well here; you made Reynolds have clear motivation for his decisions outside of ďIím a good guy so I did thisĒ or the bad guy version of that.

The flashbacks are really effective. You could have had Reynolds describe the breakdown to Leon but by going that extra mile by going through it, giving the detail and actually showing the slow breakdown and the drinking problem I think it really gets the point across. You feel for this guy as the surgery hasnít work, heís seeing his student achieve what he couldnít, itís really good. It makes Reynolds more than just a bad guy, you can see how he got to this point and I think youíve done a great job on the backstory segment of the RP. The part with Holmes and Reynolds just reinforces what I said. Iím not going to go much further with it, motivations were established, you made them seem like real people, I cannot express it enough how much I like this RP.

The final part is good. Itís probably the weakest of the whole RP. You had to address the match but I didnít feel as invested in the conversation between Reynolds and Constantine. I would have liked to see it be Holmes but at the same time I understand you donít want to oversaturate the RP with the dynamic between Holmes/Reynolds. Itís by far the most interesting relationship out of the four. If the RP was going to drag a little it was around this point. Having Dom die, I think is such a big moment that it being at the end may have been a better choice. Wanting to go in order is fine but in this case I could see Reynolds jumping over the big event that kicked him into gear, going right into the discussion with Holmes in the past, he talks with Leon and Holmes/Constantine joins them, then you do the big reveal at the end of the RP. The part with Reynolds/Constantine is by no means bad but to end on it, especially with that gem of Domís death, it seemed anticlimactic. Addressing the title match could have been done with the trio so I would have to say the Constantine conversation wasnít overly needed to complete this piece.

Really good work overall. Hope I explained myself well enough.
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  #2228  
Old 07-10-2016, 10:13 AM
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Luke Manson


Emotion, I felt it. I got hyped up with the crowd and it's the first time I've really feel Luke Manson win people over. I'd love to see the aftermath with your son, you could imagine his friends at school telling him they voted for street fight. It just made me think of earlier RPs of some of the big face characters here and that's a good thing.

Coach Adams is really becoming a character I like and not a pointless NPC that's just there for someone to talk to.

Well done, you've finally hit your stride.

Tony Mancini

I don't even know what to say to this really. You had a massive thing in the rp and brushed it off as "no big deal". I think Gino, a man who has worked for your Dad for some years, would also be emotional at this but alas nothing.

I also think the ending and beginnign bits could be switched about. As Numbers said, a three act would help.

Opening: Driving with Gino - Talk about the beat up and the match types there.
Middle: The big thing - Needs much more emotion here. Seemed rather generic.
End: Reminisce - Have Gino tell some old stories of the Mancini parents. Let Tony say he'll not let them down.

Also some sentences need commas and others you've got your and you're mixed up. Not a great RP and could be easily better by mixing things up.
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  #2229  
Old 07-10-2016, 03:20 PM
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Shotaro:

I like this for what it was. It got the message across very clearly. I liked the specific “cruelty” angle that you took against Logan; that was clever. Maybe the best thing I can say is that you were channelling the likes of Garth Black by riding the heel / face line. You could have given more than short shrift to the stipulations but I can understand why you did, especially to the title shot.

It was short and although I’m not going to say that it was too short, it was a pretty basic interview piece with no particularly big revelations. The thing with the Mikey attack is begging to be explored a bit more, it would have been a nice way to extend the RP. I hope that the lack of detail doesn’t cost you the match.

Lee:
As promised.

Like I’ve kind of mentioned before I don’t think this was what I expected but it’s because I expected you would smash it out of the park for a title defence. This was a perfectly functional RP and I do think it’ll be enough to get the job done but dare I say there wasn’t anything truly interesting that was said.

The chemistry with Klamor felt a little strange, just a little off, I can’t really put my finger on it, Klamor seemed really pissed off with Titus for being Titus (i.e. a heel). The bit in the shop was entertaining; probably the best bit of the RP. You are normally so spot on with writing NPCs especially the interviewers and it seemed to go from scene to scene with no real story flow or momentum that I was a little surprised.

Maybe my expectations were too high?
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  #2230  
Old 07-11-2016, 01:35 PM
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Cooper:
Knowing a bit about what you have planned, you’ve done a great job of planting seeds in this piece. That story of course isn’t ready to be anything but teased right now and that helps a lot because it forms a lot of the atmosphere for the first half of the RP as well as the whole attack against Vis Imperium.

I love your description, from the location to the building to the workout itself, you absolutely nailed it. There are plenty of highlights but this one little bit sums up the whole thing nicely.

The pain in his own knee stung like a dagger being shoved into the joint. He dare not grimace or show the faintest sight of pain. Be strong, I need to be strong for the team. Justin swallowed hard, gritted his teeth together and looked directly into his brother’s eyes.

I also like your use of italic text to show the emotion and I think you did a fine job of this through the whole RP.


The strength of this RP is testament to how much you have improved recently. Had Jeff been able to match this then you would have an amazing chance at retaining against two of the best. As it is, you have given yourself a shot, which is testament to how well you have done.
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