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  #1821  
Old 06-26-2013, 09:49 PM
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Titus

Welp, I think the big thing you really wanted to know is, "does this format work for you?"

And my response... Sort of.....?

I can see where you're going with it, and I think Titus is really, really well written. The running gag of who Titus is snogging with is hilarious. The old schtick that comedy comes best in threes is absolutely true.

The problem is, I don't care about the TMZ reporters. I'm sure a part of it is that they're parodic, but I just think they're so... Stupid, really. When Titus was saying they're just doing their job, I couldn't help but think, "their job is to annoy the fuck out of who they hunt down."

What works for this RP is Titus. Titus does a great job building the feud, Titus' dialogue is perfect, Titus is great in this RP. The problem is, Titus doesn't even feel like the star; these three bland characters that just make me kinda... Not care, frankly.

I get the feeling it was supposed to be parodic, and that Lee is too nice to really tell them to piss off. But if that's the case, I feel they should be more outrageous, more hyper aggressive, more yuppie. They don't come off that way to me, they just kind of come off bland.

Everything else is great about it. Again, Titus in this is awesome.

But, you are wondering about the format, and wanted to know if it works. My reply is this; it can work, because of you and the character. But that character has to be the star of the RP, not what is. I think you can make this work; it just felt flat to me.

Sorry if I'm being real critical, but I wanted to focus on the format
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  #1822  
Old 06-27-2013, 02:42 PM
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Grizzly Bob

TL;DR Summary
-Nice blend of fast pace and sufficiently fleshed-out description
-Classic turn of events = Thumbs Up
-Quick but nice bit of character development at the end


Favorite bit of Description:

Quote:
Bob, on the other hand, flings his last bite of spicy beef jerky in the air, catches it with his teeth and gulps it down. With a stray pod of coriander lodged in his teeth he grins at Klamor, who smirks sarcastically and backs away an inch or two.

Nice use of contrast, and the second line there came out of nowhere- the first few sentences of the RP are much simpler and then suddenly a sweet line of brilliant description out of nowhere- ingeniously executed!

Favorite bit of dialogue:

Actually a toss-up between two-

Quote:
Grizzly: Second best... not as manly... better beard... Iíll show them!
I don't wanna dissect it and kill the hidden humor, but it made me read again from the beginning just to be sure I didn't miss it, and yeah it was funny xD

and

Quote:
Grizzly: Damn! You sure know your way around that stick!

Roy: You have no idea...
Simple but classic! xD


Review Wrap-up

I like how the description is simple but meaty at times, and the dialog keeps the whole RP moving nicely. This is the first Grizzly RP I've read, so I'll have to check out your other ones when I get a chance, but I like how this style somehow feels classic. The situations I think add to that the most. Some awesome lines throughout and a nice ending that shows Grizzly has learned something new about life, which is always a nice addition to a character's overall arch.

Good times!


-----------------------
-----------------------


Celeste

TL;DR Summary
-Engrossing First Person RP = Epicness
-Interactive writing; taking match results and breathing more life into them
-Dig into the last match as well as the upcoming one, and in-depth, too

Favorite bit of Description:

Quote:
The sickening sound of the exploding table as it buckled underneath the ferocity of the madmanís assault rang like a cacophony in my ears. I cried out into the crowd, but my voice went unheard, drowned out by the raucous of the coliseum.
Stop it. Just stop it. That is too good.

Here's another one for good measure;

Quote:
All he had known up to this point was cruel happiness; the bleak hollow elation found from seeing others suffer for his advancement.
Bringing up an interesting concept and explaining it eloquently all in one sentence? *applause*

Favorite bit of dialogue:

I know technically this doesn't count, but then again technically it does since it's written in first person (ok that didn't make any sense but just roll with it)

Quote:
If you need someone by your side, then I would always be there. If you need someone to revel in your insanity, then I would always be there. If you need someone to dance with you on top of all the beaten and broken bodies that pile up beneath your feet, then I would be always, always be there.


Review Wrap-up
I've always liked the idea of going back to events of the show and using them as RP material; it makes not only the RP feel more relevant but it elevates said show itself by making it feel more real and interactive. And you infused tons of emotion and feeling into that part. It made me go back to read that part of the show to see how it all weaves together. Verdict; very nicely. That's how it weaves together. And speaking of weaving together (speaking of it too much; that's three times I've said it) the use of the journal to address the upcoming match was very nicely handled. Short but sweet, and using thoughts to fill up that part kept it fresh.

Nicely done!
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  #1823  
Old 06-27-2013, 10:34 PM
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Dr. Zeus

Pros:

I liked the setup and the description towards making Dr. Z look like more of a patient killer then an outright mauler. Waiting for his prey to die, instead of wasting energy.

The squabble between the interviewers was a fun bit. Using them to convey the creepiness of Z through their own experience (and reluctancy to go) near him.

Cons:

I'm not sure exactly what to think if I saw this character in person. I like the lymric style, don't get this twisted. But to me, it's very confusing. I'll go back and read some other stuff but, the book didn't really drive home a point to me. I was excited when he started talking but I couldn't believe it was over on a bit of a weird note.

Don't post so fast. I know that advice may sound like the worst advice ever, but given a little more time I think there could have been a better resolve to the Nastie Wasties.

Overall: I did like it. I'm interested and I'll be sure to check in next RP to keep up. Good job, stay creative!

Derek Jacobs

Pros:

I do like sensitive subject plot devices. I like to see people push the comfort zone of others. PTSD is a serious issue that gets overlooked by the masses. Using this as an arch, on top of your very personal ties to it, I believe in the long run could help you out. Not just in a character development state either, personally help you out in dealing with things in life.

I like the real vibe I managed to get from the story being told. I had a friend who was killed overseas by an IED, and perspective is always something that has peaked my interest. I'm not a masochist, but I very much like to hear the first person account of what happened rather then be told. It's far more genuine, honest, and straightforward. It adds scale to something that usually is a "write off" piece to a reporter.

The struggle of comfort with Derek going to the group in the first place is also good. Far too often there are people (and I've been guilty too) who try something new for their character and dive right in. There's no conflict shown, they just are "that macho". Showing a frail side to a badass, fleshes out his reason without handicapping his impact.

Con:

After seeing that you had trouble writing this and the events that would later follow I cannot in good conscious call out the flaws. Just offer advice that I'm sure you would have touched up on had you had the time. A little more pacing and a little more promo.


[NOT A CON JUST A TIDBIT]
I barely know ya, but I feel for you man. Sorry for your loss. Hope your doing well despite it.


Dustin Hunter

Pros:

It's an interesting idea. Truthfully this is the first RP I've read of yours. I like the concept and the setup has potential.

The cane and the goal of messing everyone up is good. Unique.

However...

Cons:

You have to ditch the ICP references. They're a bit too overwhelming. I get it, I was a part of it for a while. The reason those guys have stayed in business is because of their originality. You're not doing yourself any favors by leeching off of that. It's there, and there is potential... You just need to think on your own two feet. I'm willing to give ya some input and further elaborate on it through PMs.


Alex Bowen

Pros:

I like the steady build and change within Alex Bowen. The doctor helping him through his change is a good touch and there is a concern on her side for his well being.

I liked that even though you didn't "cut a promo" you managed to talk enough about him to basically consider it an interview promo within a character development RP.

Cons:

The fight seemed a bit much. However on the flip side of it (I'm sneaking some props in here) Bowen did get his ass kicked. You've learned enough to not play the "super badass" card.

I don't like how you made reference to Matt Tastic clinging to his past and using it as a crutch. Only to turn around and force feed your accomplishments. It's almost hypocritical. If you call someone out on using their accomplishments as a crutch, you in turn cannot use your accomplishments as a crutch. Don't tell us who you are, tell us why you're better.

As much as you don't want to be a part of the Mayhem brand... You probably shouldn't talk about it so much (which falls into the above paragraph).
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Last edited by TheRealDC : 06-27-2013 at 10:44 PM.
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  #1824  
Old 06-28-2013, 06:18 PM
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Bowen

TL;DR Summary
-Lots of Match talk
-Different locations keeps it moving/fresh
-Nice NPC choice

Favorite bit of Description:

Quote:
Bowen cracks the knuckles on his right hand and balls it up into a tight fist. Scars, discoloration, permanent bruises are all front and center on his wrecking ball of a hand.
A quick way to say a whole lot with very little; this is the essence of what powerful description should do (in my opinion). Says a lot about his past as well as his current situation in just two sentences. BAM


Favorite bit of dialogue:

Here's two, actually:

"Well that escalated quickly" moment:
Quote:
Be it the lumberjacks, or Mr. Tastic himself, I'm going to hurt someone. They are going to pick someone's teeth out of the canvas after one of my curb stomps.
Intense, boyyyyyy!

Also this;
"In yo FACE" moment:
Quote:
He's not trained, and I'm not trying to see some kid die today because some asshole wanted to look tough in front of twelve dudes.
Basically what everyone should say to anyone acting like that, ever xD Just pure truth

Review Wrap-up

You talked a lot about the match which is of course awesome. Also it was done in a way that felt real enough and well-executed. Moving from one spot to the other was cool; very day-in-the-life-of-ey, if that makes sense. But you know, keeps showing different sides to Bowen, which is good character development.

Having an interesting and unique NPC is a hard thing to do; this kind of reminded me of Karate Kid (the original because it RULES) but slightly more... realistic? And it's nice to see him contrasting at the beginning between ready to pounce mode and happy hug-times. Adds even more depth to the character.

All in all: MARKOUTMODE:ON

*cheers*
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  #1825  
Old 07-10-2013, 03:56 PM
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Krypto:

- For some reason I'm not entirely sure of, I haven't read a Krypto RP since I came back, so this will be my first time. Be gentle.

- The "BOTH SHALL BE SMASHED LINE" was hilarious. Although, I didn't think Facecrush would have such good spelling.

- The back and forth between Krypto and the Beard is really funny. They way you write Krypto's dialogue makes me imagine him being totally unaware and nonchalant in that odd situation, which just makes it better.

- While Krypto's 'plan' for taking out Facecrush was done for comedic purposes, the way his mind works makes me think Krypto could be a really dark and awesome heel, if you ever decide to turn him in the future.

- Yeah, WZCW RP's have really started jumping the shark lately.

-
Quote:
hopefully it will be explained in a future RP as a central plot point.
If that was a subtle tribute to the 'Central Plot Point' joke that was done in the Muppets Movie, then awesome. Otherwise, meh.

- Overall, it was a pretty entertaining comedy RP. Admittedly, there were a few groan-inducing jokes, but there's some in every comedy RP.



Dr. Zeus:

- So much backstory. I remember the first time I gave you feedback, I said you should pace yourself more when it comes to backstory so you don't run out quickly. But you seem to still be going strong with it, so fair play.

- Looking at your character from a different character's perspective is a really cool technique. Although, if you wanna get deep and shit about it, between Dorian this round, and Dr.Porter in the last, I don't feel like I know enough about these characters you introduce every round to put their experiences into a context in terms of learning about Zeus as a character. If that makes any sense We're learning about Zeus and his perception and interaction with the world around him, but we're not learning as much as we should be based on how much effort you're putting into his backstory. Sorry for the rant.

- I still think your RP's are too long for my tastes, but RP length is something that's very subjective in the fed. If you feel comfortable RPing these epic sagas, then stick with them, especially since you're still undefeated.

- You've done the rhyming thing more consistently than any other RPer before you. Nice work

- You have a real talent for description, but at the same time, I'm of the school of thought that less is more when it comes to description, but you tend to go all out, so it can feel a bit like overkill to me at times.

- I know it seems like I've criticised this RP quite a bit in this batch of feedback, but in truth I thoroughly enjoyed it, and you certainly deserve the win. It just seems like no one ever says a bad word about your work, which is the worst thing that can happen to an RPer who's just starting out, cause you can get lazy from it. So this feedback was me just throwing out a few things I think you should work on, though whether or not you do is entirely up to you, since you've done well so far. But it's just to bring you back down to Earth


Feedback will be up for Bear when he, y'know, posts his RP...
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  #1826  
Old 07-10-2013, 06:54 PM
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Blade:
  • Sorry, on a phone so this may seem short. But I really, really loved this RP
  • Your dialogue is really second to none. It's funny,and it gets yours message across. Really always love jay.
  • I really, really think you need a feud. This isn't your fault, but I felt like this RP didn't really advance anything. And I really want to see you advance something in a feud. I guess Bateman is the de facto feud, but I really want to see you against Rush or Constantine. Which is why I'm glad you demanded a title shot.
  • I did find it a little hard to but Blade beat all that security, but really, that is his gimmick. I'd make it so every week, his acts of the overt get more impressive.

In contrast, I'm sorry if I don't offer enough critique. Bit this was really, really fantastic
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  #1827  
Old 07-11-2013, 01:41 PM
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Alex Bowen:

Not a ton to say about this RP but I wanted to give you some feedback as I read your stuff every round.

The whole idea of this RP was kinda crazy, I mean Bowen playing russian roulette? If this was anybody else this would just feel like a random idea, but with Bowen it works. It shows how insane he really is. Wouldn't mind seeing more of the crazy things Bowen does in the future.

The only problem I have with this RP is the fact you didn't talk about your opponents at all. I wouldn't have minded seeing a short promo at the end here where you discuss how you were gonna beat your opponents but I think your team may still win this match.

Blade:

This RP was very different. I don't think I've ever seen someone write an RP where their person isn't the main star of the RP. I do like this idea behind it however as Blade wants a title shot that he has rightfully earned. As Zeus said I think you need a feud so you have some more things to work with in your RP's but this was good.

I also love the bit about how the young guns wanna beat the old guy to prove themselves as the real deal or however you said it.

Isabel Stone:

This was a pretty funny RP, something i'm not used to seeing from you but it worked. I'm not sure if this was meant to just be the type of RP to throw something up to avoid a no show or not but I do think you could win this week. As is the case with Blade, I think you need a feud as well but at least your on a hot streak right now.

My compliant with this RP was no real mention of your opponents. In the end I think that may cost you the victory here.

Saxoteur:

To start I should warn you guys I really have nothing negative to say about either RP. You guys are hilarious and both RP's were top notch here.

Now to break them down a bit, Saboteur marrying the blow up doll is hilarious and I could see him bringing "Chelsea" to ringside at Kingdom Come as a way to mess with Smith and Rush. Saboteur must be one fast ninja if he can quick change Action Saxton without him even noticing huh?

Now onto the epic battle that is Doc's RP.

Ricky Martin fighting against Action Saxton only to be revealed as Armando Paradyse had me cracking up laughing. Sometimes I wonder where the hell you guys get these ideas and I wish I was as creative as you guys. I fully expect you guys to get the win here even with very little mention of Beard and Grizzly Bob because this might have been my favorite SaboSax RP to date.

I'm still bummed that Kingdom Come will be the end of Action Saxton and Doc in the fed and it'll be a shame to see you go because you have been a big help to me with my current gimmick and I got the idea to title my RP's from reading your stuff as well.

Looking forward to seeing how the epic team of Saboteur and Action Saxton will come to an end at Kingdom Come guys.
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  #1828  
Old 07-11-2013, 04:00 PM
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Ok, still on the phone, but at least I'm not texting while dangling off the side of a cliff. So let's start this cracker of a feedback session:

Saxton:

This was absurdity for all the right reasons. I mean, this was hilarious. It really, really was.

Did this do anything to build the match, or build to KC? Fuck no it didn't, and that's about the only complaint I can have. But it did build the final stages of Saxton's career. I know very little of the Saxton canon, but I couldn't help but enjoy myself with this, and felt that this was just fun, stupid humor.

Again, was it pointless? Oh God, yes. Did it build anything? Besides the character, no. But it was fun. I can assume that El HabeŮero came before Despicable Me, but if he didn't, I can see a little influence.

Saboteur:

This was... Endearing, is the best word I can think of. It was a great way to build to the final goodbye for Saxoteur. The monologue about accepting chaos... It was perfect, especially for your team, and it was about the best way someone could ever describe this team. Man, that was some pretty beatiful stuff.

Also, fourth wall breaking... Cracker job, coming from a guy who usually groans at it.

That said... I kind of hope Chelsea is done. I liked the joke, but there's only so long the gag can go. The gag peaked, and somewhat went over the hill in this RP. I don't think we need her again.

Other than that, really enjoyed the writing, a lot. Sweet stuff, in a weird way.

Grizzly:

There's something of a chemistry that just works for you and Beard. His and your RP were really well put together, and it's obvious you know how to write the other perfectly. The man slap fight actually had me rolling, I enjoyed it that much.

That said... Man, was there a lot of exposition to Digger. Coming from a guy who's RP's have a lot of backstory (guilty), you could have done without explaining what happened to Beardette when we saw it in the RP above.
Cut that out, and it's a very good RP. With it, it's solid, if not unspectacular, but too long.

Sam Smith:

I knew what you were trying to channel in this promo; after all, you told me

Um, it's creepy, and I liked the story told. But I can sense you didn't know where you wanted to take this direction. I can tell you wanted to talk about the tourney, but it came off that was the bigger deal to you.

Which, I totally understand is a big deal, but yu also have a chance at (arguably) the second most over belts in the fed. I know you were kinda left in the lurch this week, but I would rather see you focus on that.

It was well written, and you have a thing for creepy story telling. Just not the best of stuff.

Howard:

Very simple, very solid, very unspectacular.

I liked the verbiage of the promo, really liked the anger. I liked what Howard had to say, but I did feel it was a little too simplistic. I get that every RP doesn't need a gimmick, but I felt there was immense potential for an RP that worked all of Strikeforce into a team to discuss this big match.


And, I got a simple, by the books promo. Not bad, but doesn't wow me, either. It was... Well, it was Jimmy Flynn with better verbiage. And at the end of the day, is that really what you want?
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  #1829  
Old 07-11-2013, 06:14 PM
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Sexual Dynamite (Krypto)

-I liked the RP, not as good as the previous ones that I've looked at but still a quality RP. You do well with your use of Beard, so I applaud you there. Comedy RP here and I had some chuckles. The whole scheming against Facecrush with donuts is a good concept and Krypto doing it for Missy is a nice touch, showing a caring side. Poor Bob getting tortured by everyone it seems this round. Not too much to say really, I liked the RP and it works. Not as good as some of your other RP's, but still gets to the point.

Blade (Blade)

-I'll admit that I'm not familiar with your work, but I dug the RP here. Very good concept with Blade catching Bateman's attention by taking his stuff. That's Blade's MO and that worked perfectly here. And thus Blade wants a title match and that is understandable. I loved the whole concept of the RP and Blade is well deserving of a title shot following KC. I hope to see Blade step into something good following KC as you've been on a roll and I look forward to seeing what else you bring to the table. Good stuff. No complaints on my end.

The Crock (Sam Smith)

-I liked the RP buddy. The concept and storytelling was well done. It wasn't up to your normal level of excellence, but nonetheless I think it is a winning RP. I loved the symbolism with the spider and fear. I really fueled the RP along with Smith's driving force of being memorable in the wrestling business. I feel a bit more could've been done, but overall still a winning RP in my eyes.
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  #1830  
Old 07-11-2013, 06:45 PM
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The Angel

- Ouch. This is a tricky subject to touch. It's very rare for a face to try and pull off a religious gimmick. That's because when you do the man of god thing in a entertainment form as silly as wrestling, it comes off as phony and forced. With that said, if you turn heel, but be more sleazy and realistic than Westoff, it could be entertaining.

- It seemed like you almost started to tell a story with this RP and then ended it before the story could take shape. It left me feeling a little frustrated with how suddenly it ended.

- The team work on the three RP's was pretty well done.

- I just wanted more from Angel and this RP. RP's aren't just showing us what happens when the cameras aren't rolling, it tells us what characters feel and how they're reacting to what's happening around them. Considering how big a tragedy this is for Angel, there should've been much more about Angel's feelings


The Beard

- I gotta say, I wasn't sure about how you wrote Grizzly's dialogue. He came off as a fratboy slacker instead of his good-natured hillbilly self.

- You do excellently explain what the Beard is feeling though, which is something some RPers have trouble with.

- Your biggest strength is definitely your descriptive writing. It paints a good picture.

- The RP was funny and charming journey. Nothing hugely deep or groundbreaking, but just a good, entertaining RP.


Grizzly Bob

- Man, you know your character so well and that's great to see.

- The RP's flow so nicely and transition really well between the dialogue and the description. You're just a very solid, all-round writer.

- Name dropping Blade. The indirect alliance continues!

- I don't really have anything to criticise. It's RP's like this that make you one of my favourite RPers in the fed. Keep up the good work.


Dustin Hunter

- I like this gimmick of trying to expose heroes. It's not completely original, but the way you refer to them as freaks adds a gritty twist to it that I like.

- The whole scene with Azazel felt weird. The dude just let himself into Hunter's apartment, and Hunter seems to go from freaking out one second to completely calm the next. Also, Azazel calls out Hunter on his trust issues, but Hunter seems to trust Azazel pretty quickly. It all feels kind of inconsistent.

- The explanation of your finishing move's name felt a little awkward, like you used too many words explaining what the name means. If that makes sense.

- Good promo on Flynn and the Mayhem rules match.

- Not a bad RP. You need to get to know your character a bit better and learn how to make a story flow better. There's also a couple of grammatical errors, so keep an eye out for them. But it's a solid effort overall.
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